"Phew! What a hard day at the office. I need to get the heck out of here. Maybe meet some new friends and shit" Obama said to himself. "I'm sure Michelle won't mind if I just go out for a bit of fun. I'll even leave the secret service here. They have the fuckin day off." Obama snuck out of the White House. It was easy because their security is shit. It actually kinda disturbed him, with how easy it was. He then hitchhiked to the cafe in Denver Colorado. Jay, get the fuck outta my story. I'm telling it now. Move nerd. I'll beat your fucking ass. Stupid punk ass clit. I'm the president now.

"Hey! Aren't you the president?" Some jackass said.

"Uh... Yeah!" I don't have time for fucking loser. "Yes, I'm the president of the United States! How the heck are ya?

"I'm gonna hold you for ransom you piece of shit! My sister died in the war because your bullshit! Now I'm gonna have my fucking revenge you piece of-" I decked that motherfucker right in the head. I hope he's dead. I didn't check. I just pushed his lazy ass out of the car and went straight for the cafe. I was thirsty as a motherfucker.

So I walk in the cafe and TMZ are there. I've been waiting for this moment since the apollo landing. I don't know their names so I'll just say random ones until I get done with this part of the story. I fucking destroyed this bitch named Steve. He was pathetic asking me questions and shit.

"Hey how are the kids? I haven't taken any pictures of them in a while. You know what I mean, right? Cheese Pizza? CP?" I cut that retards head off and put it on my dick. Then I started swinging it around like I lost my mind or something. But on the contrary this dickhead lost his head. In fact he was giving the President of the Motherfucking United Fucking States a blowjob. I bet he'll think twice about his occupational choices now. Oh wait no he won't because he's fucking dead.

"Oh, God!" Some fly looking diva said,"The President just killed someone! Keep taking pictures team! Mr President how does it feel to kill my co worker?"

"Well, let me tell ya, miss... uh?"

"Destin-"

"Destiny! I guess you could say, it was his destiny to get beat the fuck down a peg." Then I ripped her fucking torso apart. Then I threw the chunks in the garbage can. I don't give a fuck if you voted for me. I'll still whup you weak ass. I'll even do it in church.

"Who wants some of this BBC? You can rest assured that BBC already got the same interview you fruitfly having asses are gonna get." They ran like a bunch of cowards. Journalist? BITCH. A real Journo wouldn't run away from some fucking blood and gore.

"Bravo Mr President!"

"Who are you? And how do you know my name?"

"Why It is the master plan! The 300+ iq doctor! The King of Cock!" or something. I don't know. His terrible odor was distracting me. He smelled like somebody took some shit on weed. He smelled like somebody forgot garbage pickup tuesdays. He smelled like somebody forgot to finish their beats before they spoiled and the maggots got in them.

"Are you listening to me? I'm asking if you want some coffee?" He said politely

"Ah! Of course." I said courteously. But I wasn't about to give this fatfuck a curtsy. So we got our order of coffee from this fly chick working at the counter. She didn't say anything about me being the President. Don't know why. I could tell Eggman was digging her though. And weird thing is, she was digging him too.

"...Hey. Hey!" I said in a giddy school girl voice. "You like her, don't you..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" That idiot said. "I DON'T LIKE HER YOU PUSSY!" I looked back at the chick working the counter. She looked mad disappointed.

"Nice going jackass. She actually liked your stupid dumb ass."

"I AM NOT STUPID AND/OR DUMB COWARD! Let's just drop the whole thing. I have other things to take care of before I look for love."

"Whatever..." Dumbass. So I take my seat and he takes his and I'm pushed across the whole table.

"Fuck you NIGGA!"

"Jokes on you loser, I'm not black."

"Fuck you BITCH!" I'm the President so I can say these things.

"So I must say! I'm a big fan of your work."

"Is that so?" I said taking a sip.

"Oh yes! This new thing called America? Brilliant!"

"Ah shucks. Well you know! Building on the shoulders of Giants!"

"I mean think about. take everyone's hopes and dreams and just stomp on them? Genius. I had come up with it."

"I'm actually a fan your work as well, friend!"

"Really? What an Honor!" Stupid fuck. I hate this man

"Yes! The plan to trick that dumbass fox into telling you he had a fake emerald? Priceless. I hated that two tailed bastard. Wanted to have a barbecue first time I saw him."

SUDDENLY!

"Alright! I got you now! It was the guy who gave me a ride earlier in the story.

"Oh, you again..."

"Yeah me AGAIN! I got a surprise mr President! It's a GUN! I'm gonna do what must be done!" This man is a psychopath. The suit I'm wearing is bullet proof. But that didn't stop this fucking idiot from jumping in front of the goddamn bullet like a fucking "hero."

"I'll save you mr president!" The sight of this man floating through the air was magical. Only in a million years could you see something so graceful and lifechanging. Made me want to remove the cellulite off my legs.

BOOM!

"ARGGGGGGH!" That idiot was screaming. I wanted to beat his ass.

"Hey idiot! SCREAMING DOESN'T HELP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"You're next mr President."

"Bring it chump! You're a loser who's gonna win a free ass kicking from the President of the Elite United Fucking States of The Senate of American." I sad

I pop this guys nuts with his pea shooter. Then I ended him. No big deal. So I left out the non-important details.

"Uh... are you guys going to pay for your coffee?" Said the beautiful vixen from before.

"Sure thing. This guy will pay for it." I said pointing to the waste of space on the ground.

"WHAT?"

"What? You were treating me, weren'tcha?"

"Mr president. With all due respect. I JUST TOOK A FUCKING BULLET FOR YOU! CAN YOU PLEASE PAY FOR THE DAMN COFFEE?!"

"No you moron,"

"I am NOT A MOR-" I had enough. I kicked that buttfuck in the head. Then I headed out back to the Whitehouse. I swear when I was leaving. I could hear that jackass crying asking where his stupid mama was. What a fucking piece of shit. I hate people like that who live in MY country. They always shout some bullshit like, 'Where's the economic turnaround.' In yo ass muthafucka! MAYBE IF YOU CLEANED IT OUT YOU WOULD FIND IT! I just thought of something... Who orders coffee after work? Man I'm dumb.