Hey Kuroo…
Remember before you left, as we sat in the shade of a large oak tree, and I asked you if you were going to forget about me? It was right after your graduation ceremony… The one I ducked out early on, because the sea of people in the audience suffocated me and the lights were so bright.
After it was over, we were sitting under that tree and I asked you. I couldn't face you right away when I asked because I knew that if I did, I might break down. I knew that you, with your good looks and playful attitude, would do well in college. I knew you would attract a lot of attention from all types of people. I knew you would be successful and popular.
I also knew there was a possibility you would forget about me. You even told me that you'd be going out and meeting volleyball girls – that there was a chance you would forget about your childhood friend. Once I started crying, you told me it was a joke. It was scary because you said the exact things I was thinking. The exact things that I was too terrified to say, to give life to. But you told me you'd never forget about me, because you care way too much.
Kuroo… It's been 3 months now. At first, we kept in touch. We made plans to visit one another. Slowly, it all fell apart. I blame myself - my insecurity, my anxiety, and my solitude. I couldn't bring myself to see you, to see the changes in you since you left. I couldn't bear to see that you'd turned into someone else.
But even if you've changed, I've kept the old you safe. He's here in my mind whenever I need him. He's in every dark haired boy I meet, willing to deal with my unresponsiveness while I lie here daydreaming. Their hands on me feel disgusting, but for a split moment, I can pretend they're someone else. When I'm lying here, pressed into the sheets of an unfamiliar bed, it's you I'm thinking of. They don't even mind when I excuse myself right after, to break down on my walk home, to loathe myself every second. It's overwhelming.
Sometimes I wonder if you think of me, if you ever say my name aloud. If you ever see my face in your mind. Do you remember me? I'm sure you must have forgotten about me. I'm not that special.
I haven't touched a volleyball since you left. Just like I promised, I've given up. Sometimes I want to call you, to reach out to you. Everyone else has given up on me too because they don't understand. I don't know how to tell them - not without my voice.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so pathetic.