Kate closed the car door and paused for a second, steeling herself for what was next.
She was terrified, there was no doubting that, she couldn't deny it even to herself this time.
But she had faith. Faith that they could work this out. They could be happy together.
He was the love of her life. This was it for her, there was no plan B.
Petrified, as to what the outcome of this conversation would be, Kate pushed off from the car and made her way over to the swing set where Castle was already sitting.
He stared despondently across the playground, watching as children played happily. He had fond memories of playing with Alexis in parks similar to this one.
The only memory he had from this particular one, was Kate telling him about her wall. How she was trying to get better. How she wanted to be better for him.
He sighed deeply. He was coming to hate the park that once made him so happy.
She tried hard to smile as she came to his side, continued to try as she sat on the swing beside him, facing the opposite way so they could see each other. This felt like the type of conversation that needed to be had face-to-face.
The chains creaked as she put her weight on the seat, a sound that ordinarily would make her smile, happy childhood memories attached, but now only set her heart sinking further.
He hadn't even looked up yet.
His eyes flickered to her, fell away, as he tried to put everything swirling in his brain, his heart, into words.
Honestly, he wanted her to start. He hoped with everything in him that he didn't have to start this too.
"I'm sorry." Kate announced finally, watching his face for the tiniest of micro movements. To give her some clue as to the destination of this.
She sighed before rolling her eyes at herself, her actions, her head shaking involuntarily when she thought over what she had done to him in the last few days. "I shouldn't have kept secrets."
Castle sighed beside her, deeply. He prayed briefly for the strength to do this before beginning. "It's who you are." He replied flatly, unable to sugar coat this. He paused, maintained eye contact with the horizon. "You don't let people in. I've had to scratch and claw, for every inch."
Kate clenched her jaw, knowing he was at least partly right. But she'd let him in. She'd tried. She thought she'd let him in.
"Castle..." she tried to interrupt.
"Please let me finish." He cut her off, his tone flat, emotionless. He couldn't stop now or he'd never get it said.
Kate brought her eyes back up from the ground and turned to face him again, clear permission to continue, assurance she wouldn't interrupt again.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, about our relationship."
Kate's heart started sinking rapidly. He couldn't be saying what she thought he was, could he?
"What we have," Castle continued, not even looking at her. "Where we're headed." He shook his head to himself, unable to believe he was about to do this. He never thought it would be him ending it. Had always thought it would be fate. Or her. "I've decided I want more."
Kate felt her breathing kick up, panic swelling at the back of her throat, making her chest tight.
Her mind was screaming 'no' over and over but she stayed silent.
He deserved to say his piece. Even if it was breaking her heart.
She nodded though, because despite her absolute hatred of the thought, she couldn't really blame him.
She rolled her eyes skyward, unable to watch the words leave his lips. The same lips that had loved her and made her feel safer, than she had in a life time, for the last year.
"We both deserve more." He continued.
Kate couldn't help her eyes finding him again. Searching for any sign she was misinterpreting this.
She didn't find any.
She nodded, trying to keep her breathing steady. Trying to stop the shake in her voice as she replied. "I agree." She clenched her jaw again.
They deserved more alright, but she meant together.
"So whatever happens, whatever you decide." He continued, trying to catch the break in his voice before she could hear it.
He shook his head before standing. He took a step towards her and, after a moment's hesitation, gently squeezed her shoulder.
Kate's eyes slipped closed, that final touch breaking her heart in two.
"I hope you're happy, Kate." Castle murmured, laying a kiss on her crown before moving to leave.
"Please don't do this." Kate whispered, as close to tears as he'd ever heard her. The catch in her voice on par with the one transecting her first declaration of her love for him. "What, what about 'always'? I, I thought..." she shook her head, gripping the swing chains until her knuckles turned white.
Castle stopped, unable to walk away from her like this even now. He may have just broken up with her, but he still loved her. Had a feeling he always would.
"You're breaking my heart, Rick." Kate's tearful whispered tore at him but he had to remain strong.
She had taught him that he deserved more. She had taught him that. She could no long treat him like this and expect to get away with it.
"And for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is hurting you Beckett."
Kate felt her heart tear just a little more.
He couldn't even call her Kate anymore? A year of being his girlfriend, of sharing his life and his bed, and it all came down to a 'be happy Kate' and then they were back to last name basis?
"But I have to be able to trust the woman I'm sharing my life with..."
"You can trust me." Kate exclaimed, jumping from the seat to confront him. "Castle, I made one mistake, one little mistake and suddenly it's all over?"
"Kate, you flew to a different city, to interview for a job that would take you across the country, that would make it dammed difficult for us to ever see each other, without even telling me. I would hardly call that 'little'."
"But..." she bit her lower lip in an attempt to stop it trembling, "I love you."
"Don't." He dismissed harshly, closing his eyes tightly.
Kate couldn't help the sob that tore from her throat.
"It took me seven months to say it and now you don't want to hear it?" She asked timidly, begging whoever would listen to let her wake up in his arms and find these last few days had all been some vivid nightmare.
"Exactly. Don't cheapen it by using it now. Not after I've heard it so little."
Kate's whole body shook with the force of the sobbing fit building in her chest. "I should have told you, about DC. No, I should have asked you Rick. We are," she paused, barely able to make the correction without falling apart, "were, in this together. It should have been a discussion. You shouldn't have had to find out like that and I have never been so sorry in all my life that I acted the way I did."
She shook her head, her hands grasping at thin air, every fibre of her being begging to touch him. "And I should have told you more often. I should have said it before then, before I thought I was going to die. I should have said it every minute, of every day, because it is the most truthful thing I have ever said to you. Even if you don't want to hear it Rick, it won't ever stop being true."
She crossed her arms around her stomach, a sore substitute for his, warm and broad, that had been her safe haven for so long now. "Please, just tell me what I can do to make this right."
Rick shook his head. "Beckett, there isn't..."
"No." She interrupted, her voice breaking. "Don't say that. There has to be something. Anything Rick. Name it. Name your price. What can I do that will make you forgive me, make you trust me again? Make you, make..." her voice gave way to a whimper as the first tear fell.
Castle watched as she crumpled in on herself.
It hurt.
God did it hurt to see her so broken.
So broken at his own hand.
"Make you love me again." She managed feebly, to push past her tears. "I'll do anything Rick."
He shook his head, taking a step towards her, his heart breaking for her when her whole body canted towards him.
He felt cruel and it wasn't a feeling he liked.
"Kate, sw..." he wanted so badly to call her 'sweetheart', the only moniker she had ever liked, but he couldn't break her anymore and knew saying it now would. "You need to be happy..."
"I'm happy with you." She breathed, no volume left at all. Every ounce of strength being used to keep her standing.
"I've never been so happy Rick, than when I'm with you. You, you make it better. You, you make it all h-hurt less." She closed her eyes, tears leaking like waterfalls by now. "I don't know how to do this without you, Rick. I, I can't." She buried her face in her palms while her whole body rocked with the sobs breaching her lips. She just couldn't hold them back anymore.
"Kate..." he breathed softly, his arms itching to hold her.
Kate shook her head, taking a deep breath, and swiped her hands under her eyes. "I'm not giving up, I can't. You wanna l-leave," her voice faltered a little, chin crumbling for just a second before she took a breath through her nose, steeling herself. "Then you do that, but I will fight for us. Because I believe in us Rick. Because we are the best thing that has ever happened, to either of us, bar Alexis. And I can't just throw that away. So you can walk away if you want. Stop coming to the precinct, stop seeing me, but I will be at every book signing. I will send the boys round with the hundred coffees I owe you. I will, I will 'scratch and claw for every inch' because I love you and I can't let you throw it all away."
"Kate, just listen to me for a minute, will you?"
Kate looked up at him sharply.
"Time." Castle announced seemingly randomly.
Kate looked down at her watch confusedly before Castle gently touched his finger to the underside of her chin, carefully persuading her up again.
"No, Kate. I need time."
"I got the job." She whispered, apparently only now realising she hadn't told him.
Rick smiled at her, her heart fluttering when she noticed the pride leaking from his gaze.
"That doesn't surprise me. You're brilliant." He smiled gently when she flushed such a pleased pink. "You gonna take it?"
"I don't know." She shrugged. "Not if I have to choose between you and DC, Rick. I'll you pick every time."
Castle smiled. "Good to know. But maybe," he shook his head. "If you want it Kate, take it. I'll take my time and then..." he trailed off once Kate started shaking her head.
"No. Look how it worked out for us last time I ran away. No, this will not be after my shooting all over again. I love you too much to run from you again. I either do this with you, or not at all."
And everything fell into place in that sentence.
It had always been her. Her life, her job, her cases.
And she was making it them.
"How about dinner then?" Rick asked, feeling bad at the level of shock on her face.
"D-dinner?" Kate fumbled, the last thing she was expecting after all this.
"Yeah, dinner. And talking. Maybe snuggling, depending on how the talking goes."
Kate watched him shyly. "I'd kinda really like that."
Castle smiled. "Good." He took a step towards her and, upon finding no hesitancy in her eyes, embraced her tightly.
Kate looped her hands around his back, breathing him in, desperately trying not to let tears overwhelm her again.
"You don't have to do anything to make me love you, Kate." He promised softly into her hair. "Just be you." He pulled away with a soft smile. "Seven?"
"I'll be there." She promised.
"Thank you, Kate." Rick murmured softly.
Kate's brow furrowed. "What on earth are you thanking me for?" She asked confusedly.
Rick shrugged. "For fighting for us."