Chapter 2

The conflict within her, and the hint of confusion, was surprisingly exciting. She was rarely confused anymore, especially not by men. Nor was she often confused in her daily life, as things usually hummed along as planned. Confusion, like the other feelings awakened within her this night, hadn't reared their ugly head in what felt like decades. The only times she had ever lost control was when a certain man was involved…the times where she surrendered her control because it felt chemically induced. For her husband, she was to give herself completely, the ultimate surrender, and giving away of control. Yet, in day to day life, for too many years, all she did was control their life, their home, and their children. She couldn't really go with the flow, or else things would fall apart. She had to navigate the ship. There was to be no more surrendering in life…except for private times in their bedroom, where she could finally let him take the lead. Even better, when he gave her no choice.

She thought to herself, that the only other time she surrendered control in that way, was when she'd dive into the ocean, and go out over her head. She loved the ocean, and the beach. She loved never knowing what the sea would be like the next day. Some days so gentle, some days so rough. Upon sunrise, the ocean would often calm down so much that it was like a piece of glass. She could float on it, as if it was cradling her like a baby. And yet other times, even when it looked so calm, a deep current would pull her under, and leave her gasping for air. Yes, falling into the ocean, was the next closest thing she could think of to falling in love. Or was it lust…she still sometimes confused the two. Funny how she trusted the ocean with her children, given its rich history. But nothing made her happier than to see them jump in and ride the waves. To not be afraid of something ultimately more powerful than yourself, is a confidence every child should learn. It brought her such pleasure to see her own girls not being afraid of risk, or of the unknown. Yes, you could die, or get swept away…but the risk of life is so fun, and the odds are in your favor if you don't lose control, or swim out too far over your head.

Her thoughts brought her back to this night. For tonight, it seemed like smooth sailing ahead. She would let the evening flow, and let life direct her course. He had already taken control of the evening, and she enjoyed being directed, versus deciding all the plans. She had enjoyed his company thoroughly, just as she had the few times they met before. There was a casual flirtation that she had decided to surrender to, and there was something visceral about her time with him that she liked.

The first time she had met him, she recalled it being in Palm Springs. It had been her first time to that city, and everything about the evening was beautiful. She was there for a two or three day conference, and the cocktail party thrown on the first evening had a little magic in the air. Maybe it was working for a new client, and having to be on her game again. She was paid to find new business, and it was a role that had always come easy for her. But this night felt special, as she mingled among the investors and ceo's of the group. Although she was there for business, with a task at hand, she couldn't get over the beauty of the full moon shining on the lit pool. Palm trees were flanked on each side, leading to perfectly manicured lawns. Unusual flowers were blooming everywhere and made the air so sweet on this night. It all seemed to perfect to be real…and she thought that much of this scene must have been transplanted here, just like her. But for what purpose? Majestic mountains were in the background, which was so surreal knowing that she was really in the middle of a desert. It felt like a true oasis. A man made utopia, in the middle of nowhere. Perfectly imperfect in so many good ways.

Everything felt so orchestrated. The venue, the people, the food, the conversation over cocktails. On that first evening, she felt as if she was in a play, and she was playing her part perfectly. Mingling among the guests. Representing her client in a very professional way, making sure to get to know the people that may need her client's services. She always gained so much confidence from these types of events, because she was able to shine in these environments. She loved meeting new interesting people, and being in new places. She was very good at introducing the right people to the other right people, where business deals could ensue.

Being at ease in these sometimes awkward situations is not always easy, but she had a knack for making those she met feel very comfortable, very quickly, like old friends. Her colleagues were always quick to point this out, and expressed gratitude for her being there, and helping them make the right connections. Her new CEO client was especially pleased, as she introduced him to many of the people he had been trying to meet for years. On her first night, only she was invited to the after-parties, her colleagues were not.

She was lucky this way. She always thought herself very fortunate that she could connect with strangers so quickly, and glad certain connections could be turned into monetary gain, when needed. Knowing she could always sell a product or service to make her own money, and never have to depend on a man was satisfying. This is how she was able to put herself thru college, and what gave her the confidence later in life to start her own business. She liked being independent, and her husband liked her independence…it's one of the things he had told her he was most attracted to in her from the start. Yet, at times, she fantasized at being completely dependent on a man. For him to consume all of her, to where she would only want to serve him. But that thought was another fairy tale…that could never play out in real life with any true happiness.

This enchanting event on this night, had come after a very long winter back home. In fact, it was still snowing back East upon her arrival. But here, she felt the warm breeze of the air, and watched the palm trees leaves sway in the wind. Outside on the terrace, she stood among a group of three hundred strangers, on the other side of the country, playing a new role….she was having pure fun, and it showed. She was in her element.

This is when he first saw her, for the first time, there in Palm Springs, on that first beautiful evening. After watching her for a while, he came to introduce himself, but she took no more notice of him, than anyone else really. But as they talked, he seemed like an old friend to her. Somehow he was asking the right questions, opening her up more on a personal level. He used the tricks that she usually used, she thought to herself humorously. They seemed to connect quickly as they joked about the event, and she was happy he was just an analyst and not a CEO, or a potential client. She didn't have to 'sell' anything to him, so this conversation felt like a break after all the other chats she had been having with potential customers.

After a bit of a retreat, where she sat and loosened her heels, with him and his colleague, she decided to go back to work. She excused herself, and thanked them for introducing themselves, as talking to them was a nice break from the crowd. She said she needed to go back to finding potential clients, assuming his friend, worked at his same company. Only later, did she realize his friend, was one of the biggest investors at the party, and was targeted by her client, as the "big fish" and a "must meet."

But for now, she went back to her job, and back to socializing among guests. It was a beautiful evening. She did what she had come there to do, and her colleagues had assured her that the connections she helped facilitate would be worth her while...at least a few hundred thousand in contracts over the next year. Her cut was to be 25%, but she had no interest in that, too much of her own surprise. In fact, when she took this first consulting gig, she knew she wanted to get out of house, but this traveling stuff kind of fell in her lap. Originally, she just wanted to get out about town more, and see how other local start-ups ticked. She had just come off the best business year of her life, so there was no need to stop the momentum, yet she wanted a change of scenery. Maybe a bit of a change of life. She had scary visions of slowly growing old in that solitary home office…a very beautiful home and family, but she just wanted something more…an adventure. And ideally a corporate paid adventure.

It seemed like a dream she thought about on a lazy day by the sea that past summer. Luckily for her, her new client, this young, sharp CEO, quickly saw that she was a natural sales person…a much better use at face to face events, than just over the phone. Her travel calendar filled up quickly. He gave her an Amex card, and list of events she could attend down south, and on the west coast, to represent his firm. He would share the names of the companies he would need her help targeting.

Sometimes he would even forward the pictures and titles of the CEO's or Venture Capitalists, before she flew off to the event, to help her figure out who the best prospects were. She felt like a prayer had been answered that she didn't realize she had been asking for. She would have done this work for free practically, and yet she was feeling most valuable, and felt so blessed. She was looking forward to these new adventures. She could have made the same amount of money, maybe even more, still at home at her desk, with the clientele she had developed over the past decade. Executive recruiting had been a lucrative business, but it was now adventure that she was after. And after that first trip out west, she felt like she hit the jackpot. She was looking forward to more travel, and she was also looking forward to maybe seeing her new friend again.

On the plane ride home from that very first meeting, she recalled the funny banter her and this new acquaintance had. How he first introduced himself to her. How he made his way thru the guests to be in her line of view. She thought it pretty charming and bold of him to have told another stranger at the party that she was his fiancé…basically to make the later hours of the gathering more entertaining. He had actually put her on the spot, having to back up his fabricated story when the stranger was asking how they first met. It was like being on an improv show and having to make up lies…something she hadn't done since being a child. It was fun, and the stranger seemed to buy it. Her new partner in crime, took the story a bit too far, when he took her hand to show off her diamond engagement ring on her left hand. He went on to say that the ring was a little small, but he intended to make it larger later.

He was funny, and charming, and looked at her in a mischievous manner, when speaking of upgrading the ring, the ring that he knew her husband had bought her. She had quickly refuted his comment, while still playing along. She stated that she loved her ring, and it was already sentimental, and did not want, or need a new one. The banter was fun, and they had a good laugh, until their new friend, who was a bit intoxicated said he wanted to make an announcement of the news.

Her new flirtation found such humor in watching her back pedal on his fabricated story to make sure this announcement was not made, as he lifted a glass to make the toast. She had played along, but now it was going a bit far. Upon settling the problem, by saying they wished to keep the news quiet until they told their families back home…she decided to escape the scene with the excuse of needing a drink. Once she got to the bar, she met up with others, and decided not to go back. It wasn't long, before he had found her, and became part of the circle, once again. He joked that she had abandoned him, and she was happy to see that he had chased her back to the bar.

It now felt like cat and mouse, and this part of the game was fun, because although she may have been the mouse….she pictured it being more like Tom and Jerry, than some sexy love romance. She was too clever for him, so he would never catch her, but she was enjoying this new chase. We all routed for Jerry, the mouse after all, and Jerry always got the last laugh because we knew he would never be caught…so all was safe in that world.

But tonight, she was back in his world. Even back in his city. San Francisco. She had been there a couple times for other business, and made a point of not reaching out to him…although she did think about it. They had one lunch together, on her first visit back. She cancelled the first date, when he was running late. But he was persistent. She kept that first lunch on a business tone, although she was aware of his true purpose for asking her out. And she was happy when she left a cocktail party on another occasion, just before he arrived. Sad, because he would have made the evening more fun, but happy she was taking precautions. She was careful around him, which told her that this man could be a problem, as much as she tried to act like her feelings were nothing real.

Considering that she was now sitting in the passenger seat of his shiny black Range Rover, she thought he must be as good at this game as she was. She liked that he continued to chase her. She wished it wasn't a Range Rover, as it seemed so cliché. Although he was supposed to just be some analyst, she was a bit surprised at the nice ride. She hadn't found out exactly what he did. She recalled him talking about being a financial analyst, so maybe although he wasn't a ceo or investor, she gathered he probably did well for himself. Everyone at these types of events did quite well for themselves. She just didn't want him to have any more power over her than he already had. And a man with means would just add another layer to him that she was hoping not to have to face. At least if he was a self- made man.

It wasn't money that could be an aphrodisiac per se, but the power a man would develop when figuring out how to get exactly what he wants in our world. That is what would sometimes grab her attention. The fact that a small percent of our population figured it out. Especially the ones that came from nothing, or those 1st generation entrepreneurs, whose parents came here off a boat… that was always more than intriguing to her. However, she mused to herself that if she were making up the perfect story on a night like tonight, separate from his origins, he would have driven a new Tesla. She had heard Elon Musk speak at that Palm Springs event weeks earlier, and thought she would like to buy a Tesla herself one day.

It was strange to realize that not many hours ago, she was getting off a plane, in a new time zone, in a twilit city, and now, here she was again with him, in his car. But this time she was alone with him, and now back in his own home town, once more. It felt like his own turf, and he had some sort of home court advantage. Why she constantly felt in a game with him, she was unsure. He was driving her to the next get together, where her colleagues would be, but he asked to stop at a favorite spot….just for a minute. They had connected so quickly and easily the times before, so there was a trust she had formed. They had gotten to know each other over the course of several evenings and days while at the Palm Spring conference. And they had that lunch, and she couldn't recall if there was another event where he was again by her side. She always knew that she was good at putting others at ease, but rarely did someone gain her trust so quickly. And he had her trust now, at least the amount that she was willing to ante up in this game. The amount of trust that she was okay risking.

She obliged, with a little hesitation in her voice, and they entered another very cool outdoor scene somewhere in the city. The view of the bay bridge was breathtaking, and as he brought back drinks after bumming a cigarette from a stranger. She realized once again, this was her second mistake. Remember, as women… we are told to never get separated from the pack. If a man has bad intentions for you, the first move is to get you separated from friends….to get you alone. She would one day teach her girls the same lessons. She recalled watching a national geographic show where the herd of lions would separate the baby zebra from the pack before pouncing. Or the predators would find the slower, stupid, or weaker one in the group, to separate from the herd. And when the police would come to schools to teach young children about the dangers of being abducted or kidnapped, they would teach them "never let them take you to the second location." "You may as well die trying to run, because if they get you to a second location, chances are that you're not getting out alive."

She was in a second location, and this wasn't Tom and Jerry any more. Now she felt like that little baby zebra, and her Tom had morphed into a Lion, as she watched him bring her another drink with the newly found cigarette hanging from his mouth. A bummed cigarette, mind you. What did that say about him? She could have made different judgments, but in the end, she found his whole vibe sexy.

Why did she say okay to this? Why is she sipping this third drink? She asked again to move on to the other party, with everyone else. He said they would do that, right after they finished their drinks. The view of the bridge was a must see from this vantage point, and he wanted her to see it. They would not stay long…just one drink. He just wanted a few minutes alone, away from their colleagues and friends.

Was this strike two, or three, she wondered, as she tried to incoherently think of the number of bad choices she had already made this evening? But as her head tried to rationalize it all, the alcohol was taking effect, and the less her brain worked, the more her heart felt at ease, and both enjoyed listening to this man talk. She was really only listening to a small portion of what he was saying. She just liked the ways his eyes squinted a bit when he took a drag from his bummed cigarette…a trait she typically found disgusting. She liked that he had dark eyes and dark thick hair that he let grow out into wavy curls that he left untamed, which was a bit maverick for a corporate type. She recalled he came out late to a meeting one morning wearing very casual clothes when everyone else was in suits. It must have been the morning after one of their fun, corporate nights together. The entire group from the after party hit the casinos together. He flirted with her that evening, but there was safety in numbers. She was pretty sure he was trying to get her drunk that first night, but she wasn't falling for it. She thought the effort cute, and mostly innocent.

There was a sexiness about him, but not the old, classic, handsome, movie star thing. It was more of a casual confidence with the right amount of good looks. His face wasn't chiseled as she typically liked, but his thick hair and dark eyes and over confidence seem to be the right alchemy of characteristics that put her antennae up. He wasn't overly tall, but had a Hugh Grant quality about him, and his accent seemed to be from London, although he swore he had no accent.

She thought it prudent to make sure he was aware that she was happily married, and that he should not have any other intentions with her. Other than to simply share some more stories and fun times in the city, before returning her to her friends and business associates. Did she just up the challenge for this man? Maybe her saying those words and stating his obvious intentions was the wrong move, but it felt honest at the time. She didn't want to fall into one of those scenes where no one is saying what's really going on. This was no longer casual flirtation. He had gotten her alone, and she now felt like a willing victim.

In learning more about him, she learned he was not married. He was single. She wished she had not heard that, because knowing if he was married, would have kept her safer as well. She would never hurt her own family by stupid acts in the moment, nor would she ever hurt some poor innocent wife at home. She would never be that "other woman" as its bad enough for the poor girls who play the "mistress" role, much less a home wrecker. Which was worse, being a mistress, or the unknowing wife at home? They both were bad for different reasons, and she was never going to play either of those roles in this lifetime.

She had seen many married men make advances at other women during business hours, and it always made her feel sorry for them, and their families. She always felt for the woman at home that had no idea. And she had witnessed that scenario many times in her years in corporate. She was always proud to put such men in their place, if they ever attempted such advances on her. Even before the security of marriage, she would never stoop so low. She was direct with men, as she was typically quite confident in who she was and what she believed. And she was so happy to know that she had a man at home that would never do such things. Her husband only made her stronger, for he never saw shades of grey in life. Right and wrong was black and white. There was such a wonderful security in that, and she was so proud of his strength. It was one of the traits she fell most in love with.

Tonight, this man in front of her, had no strings attached, and his morals seemed to be in question. This fact seemed to make the scenario fifty percent easier, and yet harder at the same time. She was unsure of who he was, what he stood for, and why she was still here, with him… alone.

This venue he had taken her to…this second location…was smaller, more intimate. They had a corner table outside, and it was much more personal than other times they had shared, while getting to know one another. This was the second or third time their paths had crossed, and now it was evident his feelings for her. There was once prior, after their lunch date, where he had come to a dinner and drink event for the sole purpose of seeing her, but she left just before he arrived. She tried recounting exactly how many times they met before, as she was feeling way too comfortable around him. It started to feel like she knew him forever.

Was it evident to him that she was attracted to him too? Were these the little signs that makes a woman more aware of her feelings? Or was it the drink he had given her? She was sipping on a very strong drink. When did she move on from wine to hard alcohol? And besides that, what kind of man goes after another man's wife? Doesn't that make him just like the girl in that typical mistress scenario? Why isn't there a word for a male mistress in our language anyway? Sexist. Or does him not being married, make him the innocent party, as he has not made any of the commitments in life that she has made. Maybe she was the predator in this scenario.

All of these thoughts were somewhere in her head, but as the minutes ticked by, the world seemed to turn upside down a bit. You know how you attend a dinner party, and you try to have your own thoughts as you mingle and talk to the guests, but sometimes you get taken so deep into one of their conversations, you feel like you can't escape. It's one thing to get lost in words with someone, but what about when the drinks set in, and then you feel like you're literally in some fairy tale land, where you're falling down a rabbit hole.

It's rare for her to have so many of her own thoughts spinning, as she prided herself for typically being very much in the moment when conversing with others….to really listen. Yet, when a unique moment like this arose, where sensory overload kicked in due to an unexpected attraction, she tried to rely on her intellect in overtime. Yet, as hard as she tried, she was curious, and wanted to continue on the path, even if it took her down some dark, secretive rabbit hole that seemed to be calling her name.