She woke up in the middle of the night. Again. God, it's freaking 3 a.m. she thought with a sight when she looked at the clock. For almost two weeks now, it was a routine. Waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweat and hard breathing. She sat up straight in the bed putting the pillow up so it can rest between the headboard of her bed and her back. Sighing deeply in frustration, it has been an entire month she hadn't had a proper night. Full night. She was dreaming awake of it. But she couldn't, not because she didn't wanted to, but it was physically impossible. Her body was responding to all of what her brain had in mind. Her brain was burning of thoughts. She couldn't help herself. The only thought in her head was, I miss her so badly. And once again, like everytime she was thinking about her, that makes her cry. She could only blame herself actually. She was the one who screwed up everything, who ran away. She was the one who ruined everything. The woman of her life - the only person who made her heart beat from real true love, the only person who made her feel loved and cared, the only person who made her feel alive - has been standing up in front of her and telling her that she was "madly in love" with her. And she ran. It was the moment she has been waiting for 7 years. 7 fucking years and when it finally happened, she ran. Because she was scared. She was absolutely terrified of the thought of being happy. For her, it hasn't been a dumb thought. For her all life, she was the bubbly, happy, shiny person she showed the world. But deep down, it wasn't the same. She was lost, and scared and lonely. Her parents left her behind, she was placed in a orphanage at 6 years old and never found a family. She spends her all damn life feeling forsaken. Until that time, she promised herself she would never, ever get attached to someone and feel something. She didn't want to feel something, and being rejected. So every relationship she had, she was in control. She decided to be the one who was not in love. She buried the sadness and loneliness deep down, and shown the world how cheerful and happy she was. Even if it was not true. But when she met her, the walls she built to protect her, everything burned down. She didn't realize it at first, but slowly and surely, she fell incredibly in love with her. So badly. She didn't get why she has that force which push her towards her. For her, the brunette was absolutely perfect. Her blue stormy eyes you want to drown into. Her ability to make her feel loved and cared. The way she has to make her laugh until her stomach hurt. The way she has to, slowly, get closer during the night to "get warmer". The way she has to make her smile only with one look. The way she has to make her heart beat faster with one touch. The way she has to make her heart exploded when she said I love you. Why someone so perfect would want someone like her? The brunette deserved more. She deserved so much more, she thought. That's what makes her ran away. Because she couldn't get attached to her, she couldn't feel it. She knew it. Because, if she didn't, she would die if the women let her down. But it was too late, here she was, alone. Again. She pushed away the only person who could actually love her. And she hated herself for doing that. She hated the way she hurt the brunette. The look on her eyes was devastating. She buried her feelings deep down, and she denied she felt the same way and she apologizes for it. She has been so dumb. So stupid. She was so mad at her right now. And the thought of being away from the woman she loved the most, was awful.