Summary: This story is about…wait a darn minute, Akabane has a long-lost son! Crossover with Gravitation & Rurouni Kenshin
This is my one-shot, which I never really intended to post in This is originally for my friends. Enjoy!
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Ginji tried to understand exactly what was happening at the moment. Strange things had happened to the Get Backers, but this was way too strange. Even for him. For starters, Akabane was sitting opposite of him and Ban in the Honky Tonk, sipping coffee and grinning that evil I-want-to-molest-you smile of his. And Ban was cheerfully entertaining him. Maybe that had to do with the briefcase next to Akabane, which was surprisingly open, brimming with money.
He scratched his head. "A-akabane-san…exactly why are you here again?"
Ban hit him lightly on the head. "Ginji, didn't you hear him? He's here to give us a job!" He rubbed his hands diabolically. "Which means…MONEY!"
"Right." Ginji was still confused.
"Lots and lots of money," Akabane corrected Ban. "I'm willing to offer you half of all the money I own—" Ban's eyes twinkled strangely, like a cat watching his prey, "—and even give up a month of Ginji-stalking if you can finish this mission for me." Ginji shivered at the words Ginji-stalking. He knew there was something going on with all those evil feelings he had lately.
"But I'm still getting paid, right?" Ban butted in. "Even if you're not stalking Ginji?"
Ginji turned to look at him with an incredulous look on his face. "Ban-chan?"
From the counter of the Honky Tonk, Paul rolled his eyes. "Akabane's paying Ban money to allow him to stalk you. And you were stupid enough not to realize it. C'mon, you think Ban would let someone stalk you? This is BAN we're talking about. Unless money is concerned, he won't let go of anything he owns. Including you."
Ginji turned to Ban tearfully. "You were SELLING me, Ban-chan?"
"Not selling YOU, Ginji," Ban reassured him. "Just making money out of my assets."
Ginji was about to start chibifying and erupt in waterfall tears when Akabane cleared his throat. "May we get back to the important point, Get Backers?"
Ban nodded and prodded Ginji to listen. "We're all ears, Akabane-san."
"I hope not, Ban, because I wouldn't enjoy Ginji as much as an ear," Akabane said sexily, and Ginji squeaked and attached himself to Ban's arm. "Anyway, I'm willing to pay you as much money as you want if you can do this for me." He took out a photo and handed it to them. It was a picture of a kid of about seven or eight, with bright pink hair and purple eyes. "I want you to find my long-lost son."
Ban dropped the picture and his mouth dropped open. Needless to say, all the people in Honky Tonk became temporarily speechless. Even Natsumi dropped her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk.
"L-l-long-lost…s-son?" They all exclaimed like a chorus. They even had matching shocked faces. Throw in the confetti and dancing ladies, and we've got a sweepstake winner!
Akabane nodded carelessly. "Yes."
"Who did you do it with?" Ban blurted out. "Oh man, I can't imagine you—" Ban turned green, and Natsumi came to the rescue with her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk. Except this time Ban had his vomit on it.
"That's not the important question," Paul interrupted. "I think where his wife is should be the important question."
"And how the kid survived with Akabane-san as his father," Natsumi added innocently, holding her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk. Cleaning it, currently, because you can't clean the already clean counter of Honky Tonk with Ban's vomit. That's just gross, people.
"Oh, there was no father—or mother—and no sex scenes. Sadly. I just picked him up somewhere," Akabane explained modestly. "I was walking home one day, and this airplane began crashing right in front of me. Needless to say, I made the airplane go BOOM! because it seriously offended me. I mean, crashing in front of me? How careless. Anyway, this little boy fell into my arms. He was so small, and with those alluring purple eyes, I just couldn't cut him up. So I decided to take care of him until he was old enough to be my sex toy—ahem, my successor," he corrected himself, smiling once again that evil I-want-to-molest-you smile of his. Let's just say Akabane-san was never the greatest liar when it came to his sex life.
"You were going to make your son your SEX TOY!" Ginji screamed, attracting the attention of half of the people in Japan.
"I couldn't help myself." Akabane pulled his hat down. "It was very pleasurable seeing him grow up, Ginji-kun…almost as pleasurable as watching your delightful ass when it—"
"And so?" Ban interrupted, not wanting to hear more about Akabane's twisted green-mindedness. "What happened? Where is he?"
"That, I have no idea," Dr. Jackal admitted. "When he was eight, he got kidnapped. I do believe I had too many enemies, which is why it is dangerous to have a weakness, especially a son. Anyhow, the person who kidnapped him made him drink a memory-erasing potion, and took him far, far away to who-knows-where. I have just recently cleaned out my house and saw this picture, and I thought it would be nice to see my sex toy—er, son, again, so I decided to have you look for him."
"And why can't you look for him, Akabane-san?" Paul asked curiously.
"I'm simply too busy for my birthday, which is today," he answered. "Kagami is preparing a special treat for me, and he wants me to do nothing for the entire day. But I want to be with my son for today, so I want you to find him. Today. No more, no less." He chuckled evilly.
Ban and Ginji exchanged looks. "And when was he kidnapped?"
"Oh, about ten or eleven years ago."
Ginji's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "And you only thought of looking for him NOW!"
"I have a lot of work to do," Akabane said defensively. "You can't blame me."
Ban rolled his eyes. "So all we have to do is find your son today, right?"
"Yes."
"All right…we'll get started right away. To begin with…what did you name your son?"
Akabane blinked. "I don't believe I ever got around to naming him. After all, I called him some endearing pet names, which were SOOO much better than giving him some silly name that everyone would call him. My son is special…I alone can call him. That's why naming him will lose that special privilege."
"…Right…"
Akabane stood up. "I'll be leaving now. Please deliver him to this house later." And he hurriedly wrote down something unintelligible in a piece of paper and handed it to Ginji, before snapping his fingers and disappearing in a haze of smoke.
Ginji: 0.o
"Is it me, or did Akabane vanish into thin air!" Ginji screamed, frightened to death.
"It's just you, Ginji," Ban told him, and he stood up. "All right, we've got to get going and look for some pink-haired, purple-eyed guy whose about twenty or more years old!"
"…Like Shuichi of Bad Luck?" Natsumi questioned, pointing at the gigantic poster inside the Honky Tonk featuring three inexplicably gay guys wearing a little over nothing, but basically nothing nonetheless. The one who looked the most like some sort of stripper was the guy in the middle, with pink hair and purple eyes.
"…" Ginji and Ban stared at the picture speechlessly.
"Looks like gayness runs in the family," Paul concluded. "Well, since you've got a lead on who might be Akabane's long-lost son—"
"It has to be him," Ban declared, whipping out the picture Akabane gave him. "See, he has that bright pink hair and enormous teddy-bear eyes that cannot even be real. Yup, that's him. This is going to be so easy, and MONEY will coming rolling in…" Ban started laughing evilly.
Ginji blinked at all the strangeness happening around, and decided to return to the former subject. "So…where do you think we can find him?"
Natsumi shrugged. "You'll find him easily…the pink hair stands out." Natsumi picked up her rag. Yeah, that rag. Her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk. Which she then used to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk. Again.
"All right…let's go!" And Ban and Ginji were off to the sunset. Even though it was morning.
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Shindou Shuichi was walking home innocently, not even knowing of the danger that was about to befall him very, very soon…
As he neared his beloved—and ever sexy, he reminded himself—boyfriend's home, he couldn't help but smile giddily. Ah, yet another night of being with Yuki! He could hardly wait. Especially since Yuki was particularly stressed at the moment making his new book, and his koi was EXTREMELY better at bed when he was stressed. He rubbed his hands diabolically. "Ah, Yuki, you're so yummy," he said dreamily, drooling on the ground. Suddenly he spotted a tall guy wearing white with blond hair near the bookstore where Yuki always hanged out. That just had to be Yuki!
"Yu—!" He stopped himself just in time. Of course! He would surprise Yuki! He would quietly tiptoe, and hug him from behind! And Yuki would be so infuriated, he'd drag him to bed before he could do anything else! Yes!
Shuichi readied himself, like a cat out to get his prey. "Yuki, here I come!" he whispered to himself, and he started running directly toward that person.
However, that person wasn't Yuki.
In fact, that was the farthest person from Yuki POSSIBLE!
But since Shuichi is in dire need of glasses when it comes to detecting his lover, he kept heading toward Kagami anyway.
…
Yeah.
Kagami.
As in, Akabane's bitch.
Who was taking a leisurely walk around town, looking for a nice gift for his darling Kurudo-chan. Or, also known as his Honeybunch. He could hardly wait to see him and bed him tonight—it was K-chan's birthday, after all!
But as of now, Kagami was looking around boredly at the windows of a bookstore. Nothing was catching his eye. Everything was either too plain, too stupid, too useless, too ugly…oooh, that car parked in front of the bookstore looks nice…but Honeybunch couldn't drive—he didn't need to. Ah, well. He sighed dramatically. He didn't know that looking for a gift for his darling would be so hard…
Suddenly, a pink creature came zooming at him, knocking him off his feet. The thing kept screaming, "Yuki! Yuki! Yuki!"
Kagami rolled his eyes. Everybody just wanted to possess him. Well, he was taken already…he looked down to see a pink-haired boy nuzzling him rather comfortably. A lightbulb came out.
"You're perfect!" He decided.
The boy looked up. "Eh?" He looked shocked. "You're not Yuki!"
"No, but you're the perfect gift," Kagami said, smiling evilly. Yeah, the same smile. The I-want-to-molest-you feature. "This saves me all the trouble of having to buy a gift wrapper!" And he proceeded to kidnap Shuichi.
"No!" Shuichi screamed girlishly. "I'm being kidnapped! Yuki! Yuki! Help me!"
Of course, Yuki couldn't come to his rescue. But anyway, it's not like he would go all Superman and save SHUICHI. C'mon, people, this isn't a shoujo manga.
However, two very important people witnessed this event.
Ban and Ginji just happened to stumble into that street, just when Kagami took out an enormous diamond and started using it a la magic carpet style.
Ginji: 0.0
"Is that KAGAMI kidnapping SHUICHI?" He asked incredulously to Ban.
Ban wasn't listening. He was getting all hyped. "Kagami is holding the key to our money! We must get him back at all costs!" He shouted dramatically. "Let's go, Ginji!" And he started running after the flying diamond.
"Uh…sure…" And they took after the flying diamond…which they couldn't reach, since they couldn't fly. Obviously.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sakano and Suguru were obliviously drinking tea when Hiro busted in the room, carrying a piece of paper and looking frantic.
"What's the matter?" Sakano asked worriedly.
"Did something happen?" Suguru added quickly.
"It's horrible!" Hiro cried out.
"What is it?" The two chorused, exchanging glances. Hiro was never the OA type.
"Shuichi…Shuichi…"
"Why! What happened to Shindou-kun?" Sakano started running around frenziedly. "Has he not composed the new song yet?" He started jumping around. "Oh no! It's due in a week!" He kept babbling about senseless things.
Suguru stood up. "Can you please tell us what happened already?" He asked impatiently. "I don't mean to sound callous, but Shindou-kun overreacts about the littlest things."
"Shuichi's been KIDNAPPED!" Hiro screamed.
"Kidnapped!"
"BY A SHEEP, NONETHELESS!"
Suguru sweatdropped as Hiro and Sakano started panicking around like crazed idiots. He was REALLY starting to regret joining Bad Luck. "That's ridiculous," Suguru commented frustratedly. "Why would a SHEEP kidnap Shindou-kun? HOW would a sheep kidnap Shindou-kun? You have to think about these kinds of things before you just spit them out."
"I found this note on the side of my bed!" Hiro declared, handing Suguru a folded up piece of paper. "It's proof!"
He opened it. "Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bwa ha ha ha ha ha." He looked back at Sakano and Hiro. "…What is this?" he asked, kind of annoyed.
"It's the note the sheep left me!" Hiro explained. "Since only sheep make that sort of noise, I naturally deduced it had kidnapped Shuichi!"
"And have you tried calling him?" Suguru was getting really irritated. And here he was, thinking Hiro was sane. THIS proved him wrong. COMPLETELY.
"Of course! And I can't reach him anywhere!" Hiro started crying. "He's been kidnapped!"
Sakano started running laps. "What will we do!"
Suguru threw the paper in frustration as his companions began running around crazily. "I give up."
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"So, have you sent that note Ban and Ginji asked you to send to Shuichi-san's companions so they won't miss him?" HEVN asked Paul and Natsumi as she entered the Honky Tonk.
"Natsumi made it," Paul said absently as he typed something in his handy dandy…LAPTOP! "She wouldn't even let me read it."
"I'm sure they understood it!" Natsumi reassured HEVN cheerfully. "What would you like?"
"Milk latte would be nice," HEVN answered. "Well, I hope they get some money soon…they have an enormous debt they have to pay to me."
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"Ban, he's gone! What do we do now?" Ginji asked worriedly. They lost sight of the flying diamond HOURS ago, but Ban was so into the zone, he could hardly talk to him until now.
Ban stopped panting. "We have to get Shuichi back! I need MONEY! MONEY, Ginji, MONEY!" He started shaking Ginji crazily. "WE MUST FIND HIM!"
At that very moment, Shido and Kazuki came strolling leisurely by them.
"Ginji-kun! Ban! How are you doing today?" Kazuki greeted politely. The two ex-VOLTS kings came toward them.
"Hmph…so how's Spiky doing today?" Shido teased. Ban was too wrapped up in his money rant to care. Shido blinked. "Ginji, what's wrong with your partner today? He's not acting himself."
Ginji nodded sadly. "He's been so obsessed with money…" He started crying on Kazuki. "He loves MONEY more than he loves ME, Kazu-chan!"
Kazuki gave out a melodramatic gasp. "Oh Ginji, that's not true!" And he rushed to comfort the Thunder Emperor.
"Must make money, must make money…" Ban chanted as he started taking out flamethrowers.
Shido: 0.o
"Life is making a soap-operaish turn, isn't it…" Shido shook his head. "Can we please go back to being sane for a minute, people?"
Kazuki nodded, and stopped comforting Ginji, who had stopped crying. Ban also stopped his money rant—unbelievable!—to take a minute to listen.
"So…" Shido shifted uncomfortably. "What's happening? Why are you acting like this?"
Ban answered. "Akabane offered us a LOT of MONEY to find his LONG-LOST SON!"
Shido and Kazuki exchanged incredulous looks. "AKABANE HAS A LONG-LOST SON!"
"Yeah," Ginji said, nodding. "Even I was shocked to learn that!"
"He was willing to pay us half of all his money to find him, so here we are!"
"Just a question," Shido cut in. "WHO is this long-lost son of Akabane?"
Ginji sighed. "That's the most unbelievable thing of ALL. It's…" stop for dramatic pause…
"It's…" Kazuki and Shido led.
"It's…" Ban closed his eyes dramatically…
"Just get on with it!" Shido yelled impatiently.
"Fine, fine. It's…"
"Ginji!"
"It's…Shuichi Shindou!" Ban finally burst out, looking triumphant.
Kazuki gasped. "You're kidding!"
"It's true!" Ginji added.
Shido blinked. "…Who's that?"
Kazuki turned to look at him, a wide-eyed look on him. It was so OBVIOUS he was on something. "Don't you know who he IS? He's my—actually, OUR—gay pop superstar IDOL! He's the coolest thing next to sliced bread! Don't you realize HE is the embodiment of all GAY people!" Kazuki kept on ranting about Shuichi.
"…What the hell is Threadspool smoking?" Ban asked Shido. "He's gotta be on angel dust. No one can talk like that without stopping for air. No one."
Shido shrugged, looking a little disgusted. "Right. I think someone forgot to tell me that Kazuki is gay."
"Didn't you know?" Ginji asked, like it was the most obvious FACT in the world. You know, the world is round, pigs can't fly, Kazuki is gay…
Shido shook his head. He turned to look at his left to see…
Lo and behold!
Makubex and Jubei taking a walk! Outside Infinity City!
"Makubex! Outside Infinity City?" Ginji started rubbing his eyes wildly. "Tell me I'm seeing things!"
"You're not the only one!" Shido chimed in, shocked.
Ban was not very sure why it was such a miracle why Makubex was outside Infinity City, and Kazuki was too wrapped up in babbling about his gay pop superstar idol to care.
"Are you SURE that ice cream parlor is here, Jubei?" Makubex asked worriedly. "We don't seem to be in Infinity City anymore…"
"Nonsense, Makubex!" And Jubei laughed dramatically. "We'll be there in a matter of minutes!"
"I think we're lost, Jubei…"
"Of course not!" Jubei countered indignantly. "I NEVER get lost!"
Shido sweatdropped. "So…who wants to go and correct Jubei?"
Emishi suddenly popped out of the ground. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Blink.
"What?" Ban asked, confused.
Emishi shook his head, then bounded over to Makubex and Jubei. "Makubex! What the hell are you doing out of Infinity City?"
Makubex's eyes widened. "W-we're not in Infinity City anymore?"
"We're at least 30 kilometers west from it," Shido butted in, annoyed.
"Jubei!" Makubex started choking. "Can't…breathe…contaminated…air…"
"Nooooooo! Makubex!" And Jubei dove and shook Makubex frantically. "Don't die on me! I'll never be able to forgive myself! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Ban blinked. "Never trust Jubei with directions."
"Got that right."
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"JUBEI!" Kazuki suddenly screamed, jolting everybody out of their thoughts. "You won't believe what I found out!"
"What, Kazuki my love?" Jubei asked enthusiastically, dropping Makubex carelessly to the ground. He went and took Kazuki's hands.
"Our gay pop superstar IDOL—"
"Shuichi Shindou! The embodiment of all gay people! Our very IDOL!" Jubei nodded. "What is it, my love! Has something happened to him?"
"Shuichi Shindou…he is Akabane's long-lost son!"
"GASP!" Went everybody who had yet to hear the news. Namely, Emishi, Makubex and Jubei.
"…Akabane has a son?" Makubex asked once he fully absorbed the news.
"Yeah!" Ginji answered.
"And it's the GetBackers' job to get him back!"
"We must help!" Jubei decided determinedly. "For the sake of our gay pop superstar idol being reunited with his frighteningly gay assassin father!"
"Exactly!" Kazuki jumped excitedly. "What do you say, Ginji?"
"The more, the merrier!"
"No!" Ban cut in. "The more, the less the money! I refuse to let them join!"
"It's okay even if we get no money!" Kazuki reassured him. "As long as I get Shuichi-san's autograph!"
"…Not for me," Shido said, after a moment's hesitation. "I am NOT going to waste my TIME looking for some idiot gay IDOL."
"Uh…if Shido's out, then so am I," Emishi added. "Besides…How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Everybody ignored him.
Makubex latched himself onto Ginji. "How will I get back to Infinity City, Ginji-kun! I might get lost again!"
"Why don't you join us in our mission?" Ginji suggested.
Makubex shook his head. "I'm not a GetBacker, Ginji-kun."
At that very moment, Yuki went out of his apartment. Yup, they were babbling right in front of Yuki's apartment! What a lovely and strange coincidence!
"GASP!" Kazuki and Jubei cried. "IT'S SHUICHI-SAN'S BOYFRIEND!"
Yuki looked around. He was planning on taking a walk, but…seeing there was a mass of crazy people right in front of his apartment…
Yuki turned to go back inside his apartment, but Kazuki dove untimely on him.
"OH MY GOD! MY GAY POP SUPERSTAR IDOL'S BOYFRIEND!" He screeched. "WILL YOU PLEASE SIGN MY AUTOGRAPH?" And he whipped out a handy dandy…NOTEBOOK!
Yuki tried to struggle away, but Jubei joined in and started waving his own autograph book in front of him, and he had no choice to agree. Just to get rid of these lunatics.
"There! Now can you please go away!" Yuki asked impatiently, once he had hastily scribbled something on the autograph book.
Ban suddenly popped beside him. "Um…Mr. Gay Pop Superstar Idol's Boyfriend—"
"The name's Yuki," He retorted rudely. "Some people have names."
"Right," Ban said, not listening. "So, Yuchi—"
"Yuki."
"Yuri, your boyfriend is Shuichi Shindou, right?"
"Yes, and it's Yuki."
"Hm. And Mr. Yuwi, have you been informed he's been kidnapped?"
"The name is—" Yuki froze. "Shu-chan's been kidnapped!"
"Yes, Mr. Gay Pop Superstar Idol's Boyfriend," Makubex answered ever so helpfully. "By one of my former accomplices from Babylon City."
Yuki was speechless for a moment. He didn't even bother correcting all those annoying name mistakes. He was too shocked.
"Mr. Yuji?" Ban said, waving a hand in front of his face. "Hello? Are you there?"
"Ban-chan, his name's Yuki," Ginji corrected.
"Be quiet Ginji, I'm talking to Mr. Yuzi."
Ginji erupted into waterfall tears and hugged Shido, sobbing about how he was never good enough for Ban. Shido decided to punt Ginji off the nearest cliff. And that he did.
Yuki recovered. "I don't care if he was your damn former accomplice!" He stopped. "In fact, I don't quite care if he gets killed…just that it won't be linked to me in any way."
Jubei gasped. "You don't care about HIM!"
"…No."
Kazuki half-fainted. "But you can't NOT care about HIM! This is SHUICHI-SAN we're talking ABOUT! You can't just leave him alone!"
Yuki made a quick mental decision. If he didn't agree with these nuts, they would never leave him alone. As in, EVER. "How about I pay you to get him back?" He suggested.
Ban's eyes went . "Of course, Mr. Buki!" He purred enthusiastically.
"It's Yuki."
Emishi turned to Shido, puzzled. "But isn't Akabane paying THEM to give Shuichi to HIM?"
Shido shrugged. "When it comes to money, Ban here will do anything."
Ginji suddenly popped out again. "He'd even SELL me!" He wailed, erupting into tears again. Luckily, Shido was too busy to punt him once again off the nearest cliff. Mainly because Yuki had whipped out his wallet and started giving them 100 each. Yuki's rich, and he gets money in dollars, not yen, so he doesn't really care how he wastes his money.
Makubex refused the money. "I can't take the money, Mr. Gay Pop Superstar Idol's Boyfriend!" He declined. "I'm not a GetBacker!"
Yuki forced the money on him, and paid the rest. "Look, just get out of here, okay?" He had a moment's thought. "And…uh…return Shuichi to me…whatever you want to do. Just go away already." And he sped away.
Makubex stared at the money for a long, long, long, long, long, long time.
2 hours later…
"Have you never seen money before, Makubex?" Emishi asked timidly. Everybody was just staring at Makubex, who was staring at the money. Nobody even moved. Did they even breathe? Who knew?
"…No."
"Well, there's a first time for everything!" Ginji said heartily. "Well, we're off to find Shuichi! You can go back to Infinity City now, Makubex. And you and Shido can leave, Emishi."
"No," Shido decided. "If Akabane learns that I helped in the mission, he might pay me too."
"If Shido's in, then so am I!" put in Emishi.
"No!" Ban said angrily. "I want the money to myself! Go away!"
Ban and Shido began a mini-squabble.
Scratch that, they a large version of a fist-fight. But everyone ignored them.
"I must come!" Makubex announced suddenly. "On my honor, I will fulfill my duty, to God and my country, to help other people everyday…and to abide by the law of money!"
Ginji blinked. Makubex had also been tainted by money! NO!
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"Shut up, Emishi," Shido told him. "All right, since it's decided…let's go!"
Everyone agreed (including Ban, for some strange reason…) and off they went to the sunset.
…Even though it was only noon.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Kagami flitted around his beloved little lair. Which was so white, it was practically blinding. The law of reflection and refraction was probably violated with all the whiteness around.
He dropped his Honeybunch's gift on the bed, which so happened to be white (I'm talking about the bed here…), and strapped him on with belts, which was also white.
Then he proceeded to taking a chair, which was white, and started drinking milk (which is white—Kagami doesn't like chocolate milk ) while waiting for his captive to awaken.
He didn't have to wait long.
Shuichi woke up in a place he immediately assumed was the asylum. TOO…MUCH…WHITE!
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! White! Must…get…out!" Shuichi screamed, trying to free from the evil white straps.
"Oh, you won't be able to get out of that very easily," Kagami told him casually. "It's a very strong, unbreakable wire. It also took me several weeks to paint them white and have them dry. So you won't get out easily."
Shuichi squeaked. "You're the evil bad man who kidnapped me!"
"If you want to look at it that way, I suppose it's correct," Kagami replied, looking careless. "But you're my K-chan's gift, and I'm not letting you go any time soon!" Cue evil laughter.
Shuichi: 0.0
DING DONG!
"Ah! That must be my Honeybunch! He's here already!" Kagami said excitedly. And he bounced cheerfully on the sparkling white floor over to the white door. He turned the white knob to see…
GASP!
The pizza delivery boy!
"Hello, this is the ordered Stuffed Crust Pepperoni Pizza of Pizza Hut, delivered in 30 minutes, or the next one is free!" He announced pompously. He handed Kagami the pizza. "Your money, please?"
"…You're not Kurudo-chan," Kagami stated, not listening to the delivery boy.
"Um…no…" A heart-wrenching scream followed. Shuichi squeaked at the thought of what happened to the delivery boy.
Kagami closed the door, looking sad. "And I so wanted that to be my Honeybunch!" He mourned. "No matter, this is an opportunity for me to change into my new white clothing."
Shuichi: 0.o
"Did you kill the pizza delivery boy!" He gasped, shocked.
"He offended me," Kagami explained indifferently. "I don't like those people." And off he went to his enormous closet to change into some new white clothes that all look the same.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"This must be Kagami's lair!" Jubei announced dramatically once they arrived in front of an abnormally white building.
"Uh…Jubei, it says Asylum for the Brain Dead," Ginji commented.
"You know, Ginji's right," Shido commented.
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Jubei started crying. "I was SO sure!"
Kazuki comforted him. "We'll try again next time!" he turned to the others. They all sighed and gave in.
Next stop…
"This MUST be Kagami's lair!" Jubei announced again. They were in front of an extremely white building.
"…It's the Planetarium," Ban said slowly.
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Jubei cried again. "I thought it was HERE for SURE!"
"There's always a next time!" Kazuki reminded him optimistically. He looked pleadingly at the others. "Please?"
Next stop…
"THIS must be Kagami's lair!" Guess who said that.
"It's the Japanese Buddhist University," Makubex corrected him. "And it's not even white."
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Now, guess WHO said that.
Jubei erupted into tears; AGAIN! "I really thought it would be HERE!"
"Don't worry, Jubei, the fourth time's the charm!" Kazuki begged for them to allow Jubei to lead again.
Next, next stop…
"KAGAMI'S LAIR!" Jubei screamed. "I'm sure of it!"
"…This is the Condominium Tower," Shido corrected, annoyed. "Really, Jubei…"
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"Okay, I give up, we are NOT letting Jubei lead us anymore!" Ban declared. "We are wasting time! I only have until TODAY to get Shuichi back to Akabane! I'LL lead the way!"
Jubei collapsed into Kazuki. "Why can't I find it, Kazuki?" he wailed. "WHY?"
"Don't worry, Jubei!" Kazuki consoled him. "Can't we—"
"NO!"
Next stop…
Ban smirked and gestured at an abandoned WHITE house at the edge of the world. "So?"
"THIS is probably Kagami's lair," Shido commented. "I don't mean to offend you, Jubei, but your directional skills are currently out of order."
Jubei started crying again.
"Besides, this is the address that Akabane gave us," Ginji said, waving the piece of paper Akabane gave them awhile ago.
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Shido gave Emishi an annoyed look, which the latter ignored. Shido was getting really irritated with that joke. Nobody else seemed to mind, so he had yet to comment. But it was really pissing him off.
"Well, let's get going!" Makubex said energetically. He turned to open the door, but Ban stopped him. "What?"
"Don't you know we have to make a dramatic entrance first!" Ban told him arrogantly. "Watch this." And he did an earsplitting roundhouse kick on the door, breaking it into pieces. "All right, Kagami—" he stopped.
Kazuki peered in. "…Looks like there's another door."
"Then it looks like we'll have to try again!" Ban announced determinedly. "HIII-YAAAHH!" He punched the door this time. He pointed dramatically, closing his eyes for effect. "Give up the fight—" He opened his eyes and broke off.
"Another door," Makubex commented helpfully.
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Everyone ignored Emishi.
"The third time's the charm!" Ginji encouraged Ban. "Go for it!"
"You're right, Ginji!" Ban said enthusiastically. "Here it goes!" BOOM. "Get ready for—" He looked around and sighed. "Another door."
Shido shook his head. "This is getting stupider by the second."
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
256 trials later…
CRASH!
"…Another DAMN DOOR!" Ban yelled, pounding the ground in anger.
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if—?"
"WILL YOU QUIT THAT?" Everyone screamed at Emishi.
"The first 260 times were funny, but too much is annoying!" Makubex whined.
"Yeah!" The others added.
Emishi huffed. "Fine. Be like that, don't appreciate ME for being the comic relief of this overrated drama fanfiction!"
GLARE.
And suddenly everyone was yelling at the same time.
"And what do you call me?" Jubei screamed. "What about my jokes?"
Shido blinked. "What jokes?" But everyone ignored Shido.
"And what about my unreal obsession with Shuichi, huh?" Kazuki added. "Isn't that funny?"
"Don't forget my money rants! They're the only thing FUNNY in this story!"
Everyone went and pounded Emishi.
And after that little scene, Emishi kept his mouth shut.
If he still had a mouth after that.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I know Yuki will come and save me soon!" Shuichi said to himself, trying to psych himself up. "I'll be safe soon!"
"Don't be silly," Kagami said. "No one even knows where this place IS."
"Well, the Sailor Seishi will come!"
"Hah? You expect those braindead cheerleaders to actually do something? The only productive Seishi was Sailor Saturn!"
"Hey! What about Sailor Pluto?"
Kagami rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, watching over the Gate of Time and Space is sooo important. Whatever!"
"Then what about Sailor Uranus, huh?" Shuichi countered. "She was very useful in fighting!"
"And then Michiru goes off dying and she's all that," Kagami responded sarcastically. "Give it up. Those little Sailor Seishi won't come and save you—especially Sailor Moon! Good God, there's no one stupider than HER!"
"Why you…"
Suddenly, they heard someone clearing their throat dramatically. "For love and justice, I am the pretty sailor-suited soldier Sailor Moon!"
Shuichi's eyes bugged out. "They're here! Ohmigod, they're really here! I'm saved!"
Kagami himself was panicking. What if the Sailor Seishi was able to get his Honeybunch's gift! It would be too late to get a new one now!
There wasn't any time to react, because the door was kicked open, and several silhouettes came out. The one in the front announced, "In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"
The light eventually faded away to fall upon…
The GetBackers and company!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ginji had come up with a crazy idea right before their 297th try. How about they barge in with the Sailor Moon battle chant? Ban had argued it would be relatively silly to begin his dramatic entrance with that, but Shido had scoffed that it probably won't be the door which would lead to Kagami and Shuichi, and they could just do this for the kicks.
After much persuasion from everyone in the group, Ban gave in. Reluctantly. Just to make everyone happy.
And so his entrance started with the lame chant from Sailor Moon.
You should have seen the look on his face when he realized this was THE door. As in, the DOOR. And coming in with such a terrible entrance scarred Ban's life…FOREVER!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He wailed. "My wonderful chance at having a wonderful ENTRANCE! Ruined! RUINED!"
"Ban, I'm so sorry!" Ginji immediately apologized, running over to Ban. "I shouldn't have insisted for that stupid thing! Please forgive me!"
Ban was still in shock.
Kazuki and Jubei had forgotten all about Ban and had gone straight for Shuichi. They immediately freed him.
"Thank you!" Shuichi cried out. "Though you're not the Sailor Seishi, you're good enough!"
Kazuki&Jubei:
"By the way, our gay pop superstar IDOL, can we have your autograph!" They both chorused, whipping out their handy dandy…NOTEBOOKS!
Shuichi nodded eagerly and took out a pen, and hurriedly signed their autograph books. "I wish I could repay you more!" he added regretfully.
"No, this is enough!" Jubei assured him.
"This is worth more than our lives!" Kazuki added, and the three hugged each other like crazed nutzos.
Makubex ran straight for Shuichi and hugged him. "Thank God you're safe!" He said. "Now I can say I truly earned my money!"
"By the way, how come there are 297 doors before we actually reach the REAL room?" Shido asked curiously. "I mean, I was just wondering…"
Kagami smiled deviously. "Ah, well, it represents me and my loved one's favorite number! I'm unhealthily obsessed with the number seven, and he has a strange affection for number two! And since we didn't want nine doors, or five doors, or seven, or two, or any number that can be taken from seven and two…we decided to add two and seven, which is nine, and make it two hundred ninety seven!"
"…Too…much…math…" Everyone squeaked, their brains just having been fried by the evil evil thing called…MATH!
"It's Akabane's favorite subject," Kagami explained cheerily. "He always wanted to be a math teacher if he didn't have a job as of the moment! But when he retires, he wants us to start a math school! In fact, if an alternate universe existed and you were our students, K-chan would be a math teacher!"
"…I don't even want to think about how horrible that would be," Ginji said after a moment's silence.
"Ditto," everyone chimed in, except for Emishi was currently mouthless, so he was unavailable for comment.
"Hey, let's do the chicken dance!" A random person yelled, and suddenly Jubei, Makubex, Kazuki and Shuichi were chicken-dancing for some random reason. Ginji and Ban were still in a bit of shock, Ginji from math, Ban from his HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE entrance. And Emishi was still mouthless, as you all know.
Being the only person with a fully working brain, Shido decided that everybody around him was crazy. "I give up," he announced. "I'm going to go now." As he turned to leave, the door magically disappeared.
Shido: 0.0
Kagami stood up, blocking his way. "You can't!" Kagami interrupted. "Since you've foiled my evil plan to give this adorable young sex toy to my beloved Honeybunch, we must now have a long battle scene ensue where it is impossible to know the winner! And only then will the door reappear!"
Ban recovered. "Sounds good to me!" He yelled. "If I do this properly, I'll get my honor back!" and he pumped up his hands for his snake bite. Ginji started to electrify himself, Kazuki took out his strings, Jubei took out his needles, Shido placed his fingers on his mouth to whistle for his animals, Emishi took out that whip thingy of his and Makubex…well, he just stood there and pushed Shuichi to his back to keep him from getting hurt. We've never seen Makubex fight, and we never will. Sadly.
And just before everyone could start their battle cries and dive at one another…
DING DONG!
"Honeybunch!" Kagami yelled, battle stance forgotten. "He's here! Everybody, hide! I'm going to close the lights!" He closed the lights, and everybody crouched down. He snapped his fingers, and the door magically reappeared. "When I say three, everybody jump up and say, 'Happy birthday, Akabane!' "
Everyone blinked, but they didn't have time to react because the door opened and Akabane entered the room.
"…Kagami?" he called out mildly.
"One, two…" Kagami jumped up. "THREE!" And the lights flooded back into the room, and everybody yelled, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AKABANE!" even though that wasn't the original plan. Yup, the long battle scene was temporarily postponed!
"Oh." Akabane blinked. "Was this the surprise, Kagami darling?"
"Of course, Honeybunch!" Kagami replied cheerfully. "Do you like it?"
Akabane eyed the GetBackers. "I loved it. You even hired the GetBackers to be the welcoming committee?"
"Change of plans," Kagami answered evasively. "And…here's your BIRTHDAY PRESENT!" And he grabbed Shuichi and showed him to Akabane.
Dr. Jackal turned to mass of people who WEREN'T supposed to be there. "So…you found him."
"Yup! All of us," Shido added. "Which means you have to pay us too."
"Does not!" Ban yelled.
"Does so."
"NOT!"
"SO!"
"NOT!"
"SO!"
"NOT!"
"NOT!"
"SO!"
"Aha!" Shido cried out triumphantly. "Now Akabane will have to pay us!"
"NO!" Ban started throwing a tantrum. "That's unfair!"
"IS NOT."
"IS SO!"
"NOT!"
"SO!"
"NOT!"
"SO!"
"NOT!"
"…This is getting stupid," Emishi said. Well, since his mouth was gone, he couldn't very well say it, so only muffled sounds came out that nobody understood except for himself!
"Worry not, I'll pay you all quite well," Akabane interrupted, smiling evilly. "It was so nice of you to grant my birthday wish. And I haven't blown the candles yet. This is possibly the best birthday ever, thanks to my darling Kagami and the Get Backers. Now I am reunited with my son."
Shuichi: 0.o
"S-son?"
"Of course, my puppet," Akabane said, smiling kindly (if that was even possible) at him. "You were my son, but you were brainwashed and taken away from me eleven years ago."
"And you only looked for me now!" Shuichi retorted indignantly.
"I was BUSY," Akabane explained, as if it was a COMPLETELY valid reason.
"You don't even have proof!" Shuichi countered.
"Well…what do you say to this?" And Akabane snapped his fingers and a red-haired guy with a distinguishing cross scar on his face appeared, carrying a catfish.
"ORO?" Kenshin (if you had yet to recognize him) squeaked, puzzled.
"…Oni-chan!" Shuichi squealed, running to hug him.
"Shuichi!" And they had a very touching hug. "I haven't seen you in years!"
"Neither have I!"
"I missed you so much!"
"So did I!"
Kenshin blinked. "How did I get here?"
"Our supposed father made you reappear here!"
"Ah!" Kenshin nodded stupidly. "And I was cooking catfish at that time! The food will burn if I don't get back soon!" He blinked again. "…And is this guy really our father?"
Akabane nodded convincingly. "Of course!"
Of course, Kenshin wasn't the brightest lightbulb around, so he fell for it!
Everybody had different thoughts as of now. Just for kicks, we'll let you into their minds!
Ginji was thinking "Ban-chan loves money more than he loves me!" and "Thank God Emishi's quiet now" and "Since when could Akabane use magic!"
Ban was thinking "When will I get my money?" and "How will I make more money?" and "Will Kagami also pay me money for greeting Akabane happy birthday?"
Kazuki was thinking "This is such a wonderful day, I met my gay pop superstar IDOL!" and "This is such a wonderful day, I got to spend time with my beloved, Jubei!" and "This is such a wonderful day, I took my angel dust more than once the entire day!"
Jubei was thinking "Am I funny? Of course I am!" and "Am I directionally-challenged? Of course I'm not!" and "I am sooooooooo much better than Toshiki!" As you can see, Jubei is in obvious denial. Let's leave him to his thoughts, shall we?
Emishi was thinking "I'm the comic relief! How dare they take away my mouth!" and "They're SOOO jealous of my great tactics, unlike Jubei, who is such a DRAMA QUEEN" and "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Makubex was thinking "What's the summation of the cosine of X when it's derived from the real number vector space at infinity?" and "An Aeon shard is a special psyche amplifier specific to chroma children, in the form of a blue jewel and the jewel is mounted in the center of the chroma child's forehead, and sampling tendrils bore through the chroma child's skull and cranium and imbed themselves into the brain tissue!" and "…I want more money. More MONEY!"
Kagami was thinking "I'm so happy Honeybunch is here!" and "Now our entire family is together!" and "Do I still have to pay the GetBackers for greeting K-chan happy birthday?"
Akabane was thinking "I want to molest my darling son!" evil smile "I want to molest Ginji-kun too…" evil, evil smile and "I definitely want to bed Kagami tonight!" really evil, really scary smile This proves sex is the only thing in Akabane's mind. Wink, wink
Shuichi was thinking "Yay! I'm with Oni-chan again!" and "Is this guy seriously my father?" and "I want to see Yuki again!"
Kenshin was thinking "Oro?" and "Oro!" and "ORO!" He's still disoriented, sadly.
Shido was thinking "This is getting really stupid" and "Why the hell am I still here?" and "Everybody around me is crazy" Poor Shido. He's the only sane guy left.
Kagami suddenly took out a camera, jolting everyone out of their thoughts. "Can you take a picture of us?" He asked Makubex. Makubex was only happy to oblige.
"I was planning on a picture of me and you, Honeybunch, but a family picture will do just as well," Kagami said cheerfully to his lover. Akabane nodded. The four of them posed in front of the camera, and Makubex took the picture.
"Thank you," Akabane said. "You'll be receiving your pay tomorrow. All of you."
They all nodded, and turned to leave Kagami's very white lair. Once they were out, they took the bus that went from the edge of the world to Honky Tonk. Imagine that! They all went in the bus and took a seat, and sang 100 Bottles of Marijuana on the Wall. They couldn't say beer, because Makubex was still underage, while marijuana has no age limit! It doesn't even have an age start, because it's technically illegal! Eventually, they stopped at Honky Tonk and entered, where Himiko, Natsumi, Madoka and HEVN were cheerfully having girl talk.
"Looks like the guys are here," Himiko commented.
"How was your mission?" Natsumi asked them.
"It was a tiring day!" Makubex commented, plopping down to sit.
"Very crazy, too," added Shido shaking his head.
Emishi was still mouthless.
"Well, it's over," Kazuki said, smiling cheerfully. "What do you say we go to my apartment and have a good night's sleep, Jubei?"
"Sounds good to me, my love!" Jubei answered enthusiastically, and they both went off to the sunset. For the first time, it WAS already SUNSET.
"Wait!" Makubex interjected, but they were gone. "Oh no! Who's going to help me get back to Infinity City!"
Emishi raised his hand. He still can't talk, so he's doing sign language!
"Me and Emishi will help," Himiko volunteered, understanding Emishi. She's going to take over Anne Sullivan's job soon! "It's on my way, anyway."
"All right!" Makubex turned and hug Ginji. "Ginji-kun, I've enjoyed this day very much! I hope we can do it again sometime!"
"So did I! I hope to see you again, Makubex!" Ginji said, and they had a touching hug. And after that, Ginji fan-danced for everyone!
And off the three of them went. To the sunset, as usual.
Shido turned to Madoka. "Shall I bring you home, Madoka?" Shido's such a great guy!
Madoka smiled. "You're so gentlemanly, Shido!" And they left the Honky Tonk hand-in-hand. How sweet!
HEVN stood up. "Well, since it looks like you haven't received your money yet, I'll be going now," she announced, and left the bar.
Ginji sighed happily and latched into Ban. "It was a great day today, ne, Ban-chan?"
Ban nodded, rubbing his hands together with the money he received from Yuki. "You're right, Ginji!" He agreed. "It was a wonderful money opportunity!" And Ban went off to the sunset with his money.
And Ginji was left all alone to cry and wail about 'he'll never be good enough for Ban!' laments.
And Paul, who was typing in his handy dandy…LAPTOP, ignored him! And Natsumi. And her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk, also ignored him.
And thus the story of Akabane's long lost son ends.