A.N – Just a short stupid thing really. Set on Starbug. Series 7. Rimmer
has left to be Ace Rimmer.
* * *
'Swirly thing alert! Swirly thing alert!'
'Shut up Cat!' Lister threw a pillow across the room.
'Oh…' Cat woke up, startled. 'Was I sleep-talking again?'
'Yes.' Lister mumbled. 'Shut up.'
* * * * * * * *
'Morning.' Kochanski opened the fridge.
'Good morning Miss Kochanski ma'am. Can I get you anything?' Kryten hoped she wasn't going to complain about the salad cream yet again.
'No, I'm fine Krytes. What's this doing here?' She picked up the salad cream and put it in the cupboard.
'Hi.' Lister walked in. 'Cat's been sleep-talking again. Every night. It's getting better though. Last night he had a really bad nightmare. He woke up screaming.'
'Was he alright?' Kryten started making pancakes.
'Yeh, he thought I'd got curry on his trousers. You know, his favourite ones.'
Kochanski sat down. 'Any cottage cheese Kryten?'
'No ma'am.'
'Oh…I was hoping we'd have some by tomorrow.'
'Why tomorrow?' Lister recognised the tone of voice women often used when they wanted to tell you something – but didn't.
'Oh, nothing.' Kochanski got up and went through to the cockpit.
* * * * * *
Lister started thinking – was something happening tomorrow? An anniversary? National 'eat cottage cheese' day? Unless…a birthday! That was it. She had been feeling pretty low lately. And it made sense that she would want cottage cheese on her birthday. And Lister was going to make sure that she got some.
* * * * * * * *
'Okay, just follow me, we're nearly there.' Lister had blindfolded Kochanski and was leading her along the corridor.
'What's all this for?' Kochanski was really annoyed, first Lister had forgotten her birthday – then he was doing something stupid like this.
'You'll see.' They reached the A.R suite. 'Okay…surprise!' Lister took away the blindfold and Kochanski saw Kryten and Cat standing by the A.R machine.
'Oh. What's going on?' Kochanski was a tiny bit scared, Cat was grinning like a maniac, and Lister was looking at her expectantly.
'It's for your birthday! Happy Birthday!'
'Oh…you remembered! Why are we all here though?'
'Well…' Lister motioned for her to sit down, and did the same. 'We found all these games, and Kryten sort of…altered them. We're gonna have a real big night out.'
'Oh Okay! Lets go!'
* * * * * * *
The first stop was a disco. And not just a disco. The disco. The most famous night-club on Io. And Cat, Kryten, Lister and Kochanski were all on the guestlist.
They all found themselves in trendy clothes, with wads of cash.
Kochanski looked around. Hundreds of fit men!! She felt like she was 15 again.
'Thanks Dave! This is the best present ever! Okay, I'm off. Will you get me a drink?'
'Alright, Cat – what do you want to drink?' But Cat was gone. Lister could see him by the bar. He had 5 girls round him. Kryten had pulled out a cloth and was cleaning the bar.
*******
They danced, they got drunk, and Cat had sex with someone. They had a great time – but they weren't stopping there.
'Dave, that was so much fun. It's the best birthday I've had in a long time.'
'Yeah, but we aren't stopping there! We've only just got started! Right Kryten, on to the next place.'
And they found themselves sitting at a table, in a restaurant.
Kochanski looked around. 'What do they serve here?'
One of the waiters appeared from nowhere. 'Anything you want madam.'
Kochanski smiled, 'Anything?'
200 family size tubs of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in later, Kochanski had just finished her meal. 'Okay! I'm happy. What do you guys want?'
Lister shook his head. 'I don't eat on a night out until I'm really, really pissed. That reminds me. Kryten, at some point during this night, you have to say 'Who fancies a kebab? Right?'
'Alright sir…'
'Don't you want anything Cat?'
'And ruin my waistline? No way…'
Kochanski looked at Lister. 'So where are we going now?'
********
'The theatre! Oh Dave, I love you!'
'You mean that?'
'No.'
'Well…I just thought that if we were going to go to a dead classy place – we had to do it when you weren't too drunk to enjoy it, and we were drunk enough to not mind it.'
They were all wearing posh clothes. Lister offered his arm to Kochanski. 'Come on then, let's get this over with.'
They found their seats (the best seats in the house) and sat down. The lights went down, the curtain went up – and Andrew Lloyd Webber came onto the stage. Kochanski nearly had a heart attack.
'Is that really him!!!'
He started to speak. 'Tonight we are celebrating a very special occasion. Kristine Kochanski's birthday! And because we are so honoured to have her sitting here in the theatre…she can choose the show.'
Kochanski nearly fainted. 'Me? Choose what show…tonight?'
'And it doesn't even have to be one of my musicals!'
Kochanski chose 'Phantom of the opera' and was crying by the end of it.
They went outside, but not before Kochanski had got Andrew's phone number, autograph, photo, and the promise that he would write a song about her. (she was quite drunk by now.)
They stumbled down the street…singing. 'The phaaaaantom of the opera is heeeeeere!'
Then Kryten spoke up. 'Anyone fancy a kebab?'
'OH YEAH!!!!'
*********
10 lagers, 9 stupid jokes, 8 kebabs, 7 lagers, 6 policemen, 5 more lagers, 4 traffic cones nicked, 3 piles of sick, 2 more clubs, and 1 seriously pished birthday girl later…
'I feel like shiiiiiit…' Kochanski took another headache tablet.
Kryten was replacing his head. 'But we had fun.'
Lister didn't say anything…he was too busy throwing up.
Cat grinned. 'You know how many times I had sex? 14 TIMES!!!!!!'
'Smeg off Cat…' Kochanski held her head in her hands. 'Ohhhh…at least we're not doing that again till next year.'
Kryten then said the stupidest thing ever said by anyone since the word 'go.'
'So ma'am, exactly how old are you?'
A.N – Okay, probably not that good – but it was fun to write. Please review. (and I don't own any of the Red Dwarf characters, Andrew Lloyd Webber or 'Phantom of the opera.' If I did I would be rich…*evil laugh*!)
* * *
'Swirly thing alert! Swirly thing alert!'
'Shut up Cat!' Lister threw a pillow across the room.
'Oh…' Cat woke up, startled. 'Was I sleep-talking again?'
'Yes.' Lister mumbled. 'Shut up.'
* * * * * * * *
'Morning.' Kochanski opened the fridge.
'Good morning Miss Kochanski ma'am. Can I get you anything?' Kryten hoped she wasn't going to complain about the salad cream yet again.
'No, I'm fine Krytes. What's this doing here?' She picked up the salad cream and put it in the cupboard.
'Hi.' Lister walked in. 'Cat's been sleep-talking again. Every night. It's getting better though. Last night he had a really bad nightmare. He woke up screaming.'
'Was he alright?' Kryten started making pancakes.
'Yeh, he thought I'd got curry on his trousers. You know, his favourite ones.'
Kochanski sat down. 'Any cottage cheese Kryten?'
'No ma'am.'
'Oh…I was hoping we'd have some by tomorrow.'
'Why tomorrow?' Lister recognised the tone of voice women often used when they wanted to tell you something – but didn't.
'Oh, nothing.' Kochanski got up and went through to the cockpit.
* * * * * *
Lister started thinking – was something happening tomorrow? An anniversary? National 'eat cottage cheese' day? Unless…a birthday! That was it. She had been feeling pretty low lately. And it made sense that she would want cottage cheese on her birthday. And Lister was going to make sure that she got some.
* * * * * * * *
'Okay, just follow me, we're nearly there.' Lister had blindfolded Kochanski and was leading her along the corridor.
'What's all this for?' Kochanski was really annoyed, first Lister had forgotten her birthday – then he was doing something stupid like this.
'You'll see.' They reached the A.R suite. 'Okay…surprise!' Lister took away the blindfold and Kochanski saw Kryten and Cat standing by the A.R machine.
'Oh. What's going on?' Kochanski was a tiny bit scared, Cat was grinning like a maniac, and Lister was looking at her expectantly.
'It's for your birthday! Happy Birthday!'
'Oh…you remembered! Why are we all here though?'
'Well…' Lister motioned for her to sit down, and did the same. 'We found all these games, and Kryten sort of…altered them. We're gonna have a real big night out.'
'Oh Okay! Lets go!'
* * * * * * *
The first stop was a disco. And not just a disco. The disco. The most famous night-club on Io. And Cat, Kryten, Lister and Kochanski were all on the guestlist.
They all found themselves in trendy clothes, with wads of cash.
Kochanski looked around. Hundreds of fit men!! She felt like she was 15 again.
'Thanks Dave! This is the best present ever! Okay, I'm off. Will you get me a drink?'
'Alright, Cat – what do you want to drink?' But Cat was gone. Lister could see him by the bar. He had 5 girls round him. Kryten had pulled out a cloth and was cleaning the bar.
*******
They danced, they got drunk, and Cat had sex with someone. They had a great time – but they weren't stopping there.
'Dave, that was so much fun. It's the best birthday I've had in a long time.'
'Yeah, but we aren't stopping there! We've only just got started! Right Kryten, on to the next place.'
And they found themselves sitting at a table, in a restaurant.
Kochanski looked around. 'What do they serve here?'
One of the waiters appeared from nowhere. 'Anything you want madam.'
Kochanski smiled, 'Anything?'
200 family size tubs of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in later, Kochanski had just finished her meal. 'Okay! I'm happy. What do you guys want?'
Lister shook his head. 'I don't eat on a night out until I'm really, really pissed. That reminds me. Kryten, at some point during this night, you have to say 'Who fancies a kebab? Right?'
'Alright sir…'
'Don't you want anything Cat?'
'And ruin my waistline? No way…'
Kochanski looked at Lister. 'So where are we going now?'
********
'The theatre! Oh Dave, I love you!'
'You mean that?'
'No.'
'Well…I just thought that if we were going to go to a dead classy place – we had to do it when you weren't too drunk to enjoy it, and we were drunk enough to not mind it.'
They were all wearing posh clothes. Lister offered his arm to Kochanski. 'Come on then, let's get this over with.'
They found their seats (the best seats in the house) and sat down. The lights went down, the curtain went up – and Andrew Lloyd Webber came onto the stage. Kochanski nearly had a heart attack.
'Is that really him!!!'
He started to speak. 'Tonight we are celebrating a very special occasion. Kristine Kochanski's birthday! And because we are so honoured to have her sitting here in the theatre…she can choose the show.'
Kochanski nearly fainted. 'Me? Choose what show…tonight?'
'And it doesn't even have to be one of my musicals!'
Kochanski chose 'Phantom of the opera' and was crying by the end of it.
They went outside, but not before Kochanski had got Andrew's phone number, autograph, photo, and the promise that he would write a song about her. (she was quite drunk by now.)
They stumbled down the street…singing. 'The phaaaaantom of the opera is heeeeeere!'
Then Kryten spoke up. 'Anyone fancy a kebab?'
'OH YEAH!!!!'
*********
10 lagers, 9 stupid jokes, 8 kebabs, 7 lagers, 6 policemen, 5 more lagers, 4 traffic cones nicked, 3 piles of sick, 2 more clubs, and 1 seriously pished birthday girl later…
'I feel like shiiiiiit…' Kochanski took another headache tablet.
Kryten was replacing his head. 'But we had fun.'
Lister didn't say anything…he was too busy throwing up.
Cat grinned. 'You know how many times I had sex? 14 TIMES!!!!!!'
'Smeg off Cat…' Kochanski held her head in her hands. 'Ohhhh…at least we're not doing that again till next year.'
Kryten then said the stupidest thing ever said by anyone since the word 'go.'
'So ma'am, exactly how old are you?'
A.N – Okay, probably not that good – but it was fun to write. Please review. (and I don't own any of the Red Dwarf characters, Andrew Lloyd Webber or 'Phantom of the opera.' If I did I would be rich…*evil laugh*!)