All of this Past

by snarkysweetness

Severus thinks about his life with Marlene McKinnon; their love, her death, and his guilt. Told in series of flashbacks. A very angsty Severus fic.

Title: All of this Past
Author: snarkysweetness
Characters/Pairings: Severus Snape/Marlene McKinnon, with appearances by Alice Longbottom and Albus Dumbledore.
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Swearing, references to violence.
When: It varies, from 1978-81 to 1997.
Summary: Severus thinks about his life with Marlene McKinnon; their love, her death, and his guilt. Told in series of flashbacks. A very angsty Severus fic.
Disclaimer: Jo owns.If I owned, things would have turned out differently for these two.
Author's Note: Reviews, like Severus, are love. *italics denote flashbacks*

Another drink. That was all he needed. It was all that he ever needed. It didn't help, not really. Nothing ever did. He was a hollow shell of a man, weak, a coward. He'd lost everything because he was a foolish coward. He had nothing to live for, he only went on because he wasn't brave enough to die.

He lived his life making others miserable because he could.

Now, he was back. The reason for all of Severus' miseries. The Dark Lord.

This time, he'd make him pay, for everything, even if it meant helping Potter.

He poured another glass, trying to forget. But he couldn't ever forget. Ever day was a reminder as his mind replayed it all.

"I don't understand why you won't just tell me the truth!"

Her voice was loud, she always got this slight screech when she yelled at him and was close to hysterics. It wasn't very often that she got like this, usually, she just got angry. But this time was different. She was on to him.

"I already told you. I'm hiding nothing from you. If anyone is hiding something, it is you. Like where you get off to most nights. Off with Black?"

He ducked as a lamp came his way. She was pissed, wasn't she?

He'd perfected his ability to block her out of her mind ages ago and she had done so with him from the beginning. He knew what she was up to, he didn't need to read her mind. She was a part of Dumbledore's Order. He couldn't say that he was surprised, they had never agreed on the subject of blood purity.

"Out. I want you out. I can't live like this anymore."

And like a coward, he'd let himself walk away.

He hand gripped the glass before taking another drink, trying to forget, but it was impossible. How did one forget all of their mistakes?

"I said I was sorry," he whispered, placing a hand on her arm. "I-I know now, you were right, the entire time. Blood doesn't matter and I just couldn't let myself see it. But I do now."

He was a fool, he knew it now. The Dark Lord had never been the way to go; he should have listened to her long ago, joined up with the Order from the start.

"I-I'm going to spend every day making this up to you, please-" he wrapped his arms around her but she pulled away, angrily. He'd never seen her like this, so silently stewing. She usually just let him have it. Had he really gotten her to this point? Of not even being able to fight anymore?

"You-you didn't do any of this for me. This is all about her. Lily! You didn't see the error of your ways for me. No, it was all because she was in danger. Fuck you, Severus! I am sick of being in second place. You want her so fucking much? Then go be with her. I'm not playing games with you anymore."

This time, he didn't let her leave.

He ran after her, making it to the door just as she reached it, ready to throw him out of their home again, no doubt. He took hold of her, fighting with her as she struggled against him.

"Listen to me, Marlene. You can hate me, I deserve it. I've done everything wrong, I know that, but never think for a moment that I don't love you. Lily means nothing to me, not anymore. A silly childhood crush. And yes, perhaps she has a lot to do with why I realized I was on the wrong side, but it's not why you think.

I asked the Dark Lord to spare her because she was the first real friend that I ever had. Surely, you can appreciate that bond? When I realized he had every intention of killing her, I realized what he would do to you and I couldn't do it anymore. Every since you left me, I've been broken and I can't do it anymore, please, I'm sorry." The last part came out in a whisper, he was close to tears. He needed her back, more than anything.

He hugged her close to his body, feeling as she broke down in his arms.

He'd known then, one more mistake and he would be done for. He'd gotten too many second chances. She'd been out of her mind, to take him back as many times as she had. Dumbledore had told him once that love meant learning forgiveness, but Severus had never been able to believe that he was deserving of that kind of love.

"Are you all right? You look a little pale." He knew she was worried, he was in danger, double crossing the Dark Lord, but she looked sick to her stomach.

He wrapped an arm around her middle and felt her body tense up. She felt…chunkier.

Good Lord…

"Marlene, are you-well-"

"I'm fine, Severus, just a late night on patrol is all," she whispered and he let it drop, like usual. He was too much of a coward to push anything with her.

Even after the night she'd taken him back, he'd made more mistakes, leading to the one he could never forgive himself for.

Her face was covered in tears. She looked so betrayed. She should.

"Marlene, we don't have time, I have to get you out of here before they find you."

The Death Eaters were on their way, with orders to kill her and her family. He was breaking his cover by coming to protect her, but he had to warn her, he couldn't lose her.

Marlene shook her head. "I-I have to go to them, Severus. I can't just let them die!"

She turned away from him, searching for her wand.

"We don't have time, Marlene, we need to go now!" He didn't care about saving her family, he cared about saving her. They didn't have time for this, surely, she could see that?

"I'm not letting them die without trying!"

Her wand was raised to him and he knew that she would use it.

He held his hands up in defeat. "Marlene, please, think about this. They're probably already-there's nothing that you can do."

"That's why we're different, Severus. You give up too easily. I can't do that. I don't care if it's a suicide mission, I'm going."

With one final look, she was gone and he was frozen in place. All he needed to do was take five steps forward and restrained her. She would have fought him, but he could take her, physically, and she would have been safe. Instead, he chose to do nothing, like a bloody coward.

He threw his glass, shattering it against the fireplace before running his hands through his hair. He could never forgive himself. She'd died that night, violently. They had said she hadn't gone down without a fight, just like his girl, to go out in a blaze of glory.

He fell to the floor, burying his face in his knees. It was too painful to think about.

He'd killed the woman he loved by doing nothing to stop it.

He sat, alone, at her funeral. He had no friends left, by all rights he knew everyone hated him for showing up, but he wasn't going to stay away. He'd loved her more than anything and he was selfish enough to want to say goodbye.

Not many were at the funeral. James and Lily were in hiding, along with Alice and Frank. Pettigrew was missing, not surprising, Marlene hadn't been too fond of him. Black was here, along with Lupin.

There were people here that he didn't recognize. From the Ministry perhaps? Other Unspeakables? He didn't really care, they didn't matter.

As people began to leave, he stayed, staring ahead at the fresh patch of dirt that now held his precious Marlene. His precious Marlene and-he didn't want to think it, but he couldn't ignore it any longer, his child. The clues had been there, but he'd ignored them. Now he would never know. Dumbledore refused to tell him and no one else would speak to him, short of stealing the report of her death from the healers, he'd never know, that hurt more than knowing. The uncertainty.

"She was pregnant, you know? Emmeline Vance was her healer. Told me last night. She couldn't make herself come today. It's a bit too much for her."

While the body and voice weren't familiar to him, that sass was all too familiar; Alice Longbottom. Well, it seemed she'd come after all. Polyjuice worked wonders.

He'd been wrong, knowing was more painful than the uncertainty.

"What do you want?" He was seething.

"Nothing, except to make sure that you feel even more pain than you did before. I hope this haunts you for the rest of your life. She didn't have to die. You could have done something about it. I don't care how much Dumbledore wants to sugarcoat it for you, but you caused this. I hope you're happy with yourself."

She'd been right, he had caused her death and he would never forgive himself for it, but he would make up for it, the best that he could, even if no one else would ever know.

"Severus-can you do this?"

He heard the headmaster at the door, he should have known that the old man would come looking for him soon.

He'd given him no answer earlier. Kill a dying old man? Hadn't he sinned enough in his life? But thinking about it…Albus had a point. If he was going to die anyway, they would need someone on the other side. He'd do this, simply to finally see Voldemort fall, once and for all. It was the least that he could do to honor Marlene's memory.

"Yes," he whispered, knowing he was damning himself even more, but he would do what was being asked of him, because it was the least that he could do.