Title: Last Human on Earth
Author: iantojjackh
Rating: PG
Summary: The world is turned into zombies and Ianto is the world's last hope.
Characters: Ianto with brief appearances by the rest of the team
Warnings: Zombies and pure crack (wrote this while half asleep last night, so it might not make much sense)
Notes: Written for comment-fic prompt "Which science fiction trope are we going to have to save Cardiff from this week?" This might have veered a little off topic, but I hope you enjoy it. Please leave a comment.
Last Human on Earth
It was up to Ianto to save Cardiff on his own and should he fail this mission, the whole world would be turned into zombies. These zombies were not of the brain eating variety at first, but those who became infect fell into a near catatonic state. After six hours of being motionless the people would suddenly turn on one another, growling only one word: COFFEE!
The team was no help and had to be locked in the cells once they were turned into zombies. At first they had been placed together, but Ianto realised his mistake when Owen chewed off Jack's left arm to which Jack began to beat Owen with it. It was time for separate cells for all, even if Ianto found the situation slightly amusing.
Days passed and Ianto was no closer to finding a solution and reports of Coffee Zombies, as dubbed by the media, began to emerge from France, Germany and Norway.
Eventually, news broadcasts ceased entirely and Ianto became the last normal human alive. Body parts littered the streets and the smell was impossible to describe, but if one had to, the smell was a mix of roasted coffee beans, rotting eggs and a loaded dirty nappy.
Eight months in, Ianto lost all hope of finding a cure. This was not a problem he could solve on his own. Where was Jack's precious doctor to save the day when he was needed? Perhaps he was among the zombies too.
There was only one thing left to do and that was free the prisoners he had locked up. Jack was last to be freed from his cell and as he sluggishly left, Jack handed Ianto something.
Before Ianto could examine his present; Gwen, Jack, Owen and Tosh all surround Ianto and linked hands to form a circle. Their next words took Ianto by surprise.
Hail, oh, King of the Coffee Nebula.
Hail, oh, King of the Coffee Nebula.
Hail, oh, King of the Coffee Nebula.
Then all four Zombie!Torchwood members hoisted Ianto over their heads and began to chant in a jibberish language.
"You must drink from the Elixir Horn. It will give you what you desire most."
Ianto did not understand what Jack meant until he looked at what he was holding: Jack's detached cock that was pulsing a neon green colour and a oozing purple liquid that smelt like a double shot of espresso.
Drink it.
Drink it.
"NO!" Ianto shouted as he bolted up in bed, sweat drenching him and the sheets.
When running a high fever, dreams become their most bizarre.
Suddenly, Jack appeared in the doorway, naked and holding two cups of steaming coffee. Ianto checked out the handsome naked form at the door to make sure everything attached and not oozing odd colours.
"Feeling better?" Jack asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"No coffee. No zombies. Get that away," Ianto shook his head refusing the offered cup.
Jack took that as a no and set the cups on the bedside table. "Just get some more rest and I'll check in on you later." Jack did not dare ask about the zombies and left it at that.