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Disclaimer: I own nothing sans the plot and my dreams. This is an AU story focused on Clary and Simon. If you don't like please do not hesitate to leave. For all the people who ship Climon with me, I love you all…we are in this together. Please read and review. If you go to my tumblr account this story will be posted along with accompanying music and banner.
Chapter One- Do You Realize?
Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
Do You Realize - that everyone you know
Someday will die -
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
-"Do You Realize?" by The Flaming Lips
It had been four months since Simon Lewis had spoken to his mother when he found out she had committed suicide. The last time they had spoken she had banished him from their home and her life.
"You're not my son. You're not Simon."
Her words burned in his mind as he listened to Rebecca's hysterics over the phone. Three days before, Rebecca had called to tell him that their mother had swallowed thirty pills of Ambien, and had washed it down with a bottle of alcohol for good measure. Rebecca had discovered their mother's body during her weekly visit, during such time she checked on the desolate woman who had been in a deep state of despair after her only son had confided in her the truth about his damnation. During these visits Rebecca had tried to make their mother see reason, see that Simon was still Simon and will always be Simon. She explained to the elder Lewis woman countless times that Simon had a disease, that she would still love him if he had developed cancer.
"That's not my son! That's not your brother! That creature stole my son. Simon's gone. He might as well be dead, it would be better if he was."
After their mother had spoken those words to her, Rebecca had stormed out of the house in a rage. Simon was still Simon whether she chose to believe it or not. Those words echoed through her mind when she had discovered the older woman's body. Her skin was cold and tinged blue despite being under the warm duvet on her bed, clutched in her arms the last family picture that had been taken before their father had died. Rebecca had stood next to the bed and stared at her mother for what seemed like hours until the shock wore off. Her hand flew to her lips to stifle the scream that was fighting its way out of her mouth. The tears came next, in long hot streams down her cheeks. She sat down and took deep breaths, trying desperately to regain the control she had inherited after their father had passed. She had no idea why this was such a shock to her, their mother had barely survived when their father died, there was no way she was going to last after losing Simon too. Though now she would never see him again, for Simon would always belong to this world and she now belonged to the next.
Simon had been watching movies with Clary when he heard his phone ringing. He almost did not answer it; there were multiple people that could be on the other end that he had no wish to communicate with. He had been avoiding calls from Isabelle and Maia for days now, both of whom had been calling repeatedly to yell at him for his despicable ways. He had dated both and had supposedly broken both their hearts, but both Clary and Simon suspected it was more wounded pride then pain over lost love. Either way, they both wanted to make him pay for his actions. He couldn't blame them though, what he did was terrible. He didn't mean for it to get that far with either of them, honestly he was just looking for ways to pass the time. This made it sound even worse, but what else was he supposed to do? He had accepted a long time ago that he would never love anyone other than Clary, however overdramatic and cliché it sounded, it was the truth.
The true surprise though came from the fact that his relationships with the two girls he had minimal interest in had lasted longer than Clary's relationship with Jace. Apparently all flames burn out no matter how bright they burn in the beginning. After they had all returned from Idris, Jace and Clary settled into their once forbidden relationship and Simon passed the time and eased the jealousy by spending his time with Isabelle and Maia. He couldn't choose just one of them, he needed them both, for each one filled a hole which Clary had left when she had chosen Jace. Maia was the down to Earth friend who made him feel like he was still human and Isabelle was the spark that made him feel alive. The whole while he knew the devastating truth; that neither one of them was Clary nor will anyone ever be Clary. He could live forever and never find another person who completed him like she does. When the relationships between Maia and Isabelle finally dissolved he swallowed this truth and let it settle into his entire being.
Clary had ended things with Jace weeks before, settling into a sibling like relationship that they had fought against so desperately when they truly believed they were brother and sister. Soon after arriving back to New York the honeymoon phase had faded and the flaws that one comes to find endearing about another person became more and more unpleasant, eventually tearing them apart. Clary resent Jace's reckless nature. She had naively believed that his demeanor would change once they had returned home, but she had been wrong. She had convinced herself that now that they could be together that it was enough, she was enough. That was not how it was though and she came to despise him for it. Clary had finally come to a realization that changed everything, Jace was determined to live in infamy and to do this he must die a warrior's death. There was no dissuading him, not even the opportunity of living a life with her.
Clary was upset at first, she had invested so much time and energy in the idea of them that their downfall made her feel like a failure. She had risked a lot on them, including her best friend and in the end it was all for nothing. Spending time with Simon eased the pain though, it always had and she came to accept that it always would. Beautiful constant Simon who was always there and always would be. After ending things with Jace she had made a promise to herself to be a better friend to Simon, to be the Clary that deserves his friendship and his constant loyalty.
The happiness of reliving old times together had been enough to cure the heartbreak of her failed relationship and made her realize how much happier she was being just being Clary. Not Jace's Clary, but Clary Fray, her own person and not just an extension of someone else. With Simon she was always just Clary, not just another extension of him or the version he wanted her to be, she was herself and that was more than good enough for him.
Instead of letting Jace continue to train her, she started to rely on her mother for her lessons, something Jocelyn had finally come to terms with. It was Clary's birth right to be a shadow hunter if she wished to be and not even the woman who gave her life could take it away. She had been avoiding Jace and his family since they had broken up, not because of shame or anger, she had just had enough with how they made her feel. The entire shadowhunter community still treated her like an outcast despite all she had done to save them, all she had sacrificed. It did not matter that she had Angel blood coursing through her veins, she was still a trespasser and barely tolerated. She knew if she had decided to turn her back on them they would not make any attempt to change her mind, they still loathed her and only managed to keep it secret on the surface.
I walk the tightrope,
You're my way home,
You're my backbone,
You'll always be here right beside me.
"Saving Grace" by The Maine
Simon and Clary were sitting shoulder to shoulder on Clary's bed as they watched 13 Going on 30, despite her slight tomboy tendencies, Clary really liked this movie. Watching the familiar scenes of Jenna being blinded by beauty and lust, losing the one person who had always truly loved her she wished she had paid special attention to the movie before. After Clary had broken off things with Jace, she tried hard to give Simon his space to date Maia and Isabelle, she worked hard to give him advice out of genuine concern. She really did try not to let her jealousy taint her words of wisdom, but she would feel a familiar pang in her chest when he talked about them, especially Isabelle. Isabelle was everything she was not, tall and beautiful with luscious curves, when she walked by men would stop whatever they were doing and admire her form. She was every man's dream and the complete opposite of Clary, it was difficult for Clary to not feel some sort of malice towards Isabelle. They were at the scene where thirty year old Jenna is crying and holding the dollhouse after Matt left her to get married. This scene never caused any reaction from her, but now it tore her apart despite knowing that it was just a movie and in the end they did get their happily ever after. Unlike Jenna, Clary would never be able to go back in time and choose Simon, they would never get this happy ending and it was entirely Clary's fault. Clary was pulled out of her reflections by the sound of Simon's phone ringing, she turned to face Simon with a look of mock horror. She watched him as he slammed his head back against her headboard and let out a pitiful cry. "Well it was nice knowing you!"
"Excuse me? There's no way I am answering that phone!" He crossed his arms in defiance and jutted his chin up in the air; she tried, but was unsuccessful in her attempts to not laugh at him.
"You're going to have to face the music sometime…better on the phone than having one of them come here. I don't think I could take the both of them to protect you," she slightly joked…she might have a chance against Maia temporarily, but Isabelle would knock her straight out and then walk over her passed out body in her heeled boots to get to Simon.
"Whatever Fray, you win," He grabbed the phone without seeing who it was and answered it, holding it slightly away from his ear as to not get the full force of the screeching girl directly. He was shocked to find that the screeching girl on the other line was neither Isabelle nor Maia, but his sister. Rebecca was hysterical and he was starting to panic, even with his heightened hearing he could barely make out what she was saying. Clary heard the screaming coming over the phone, but could not make out the words the girl on the other line was saying; she did know her voice sounded panicked rather than angry. Coupled that with the sheer look of disbelief that suddenly distorted Simon's facial features and she knew something was terribly wrong. She threaded her hand through his free one, trying to provide whatever comfort she could until he could tell her what was wrong.
Simon had no idea what to say to Rebecca as she hysterically told him that their mother had taken her own life, she didn't say out loud the reason why, but he knew…it was because of him and his damnation.
"Okay….thank you for telling me. Yeah…I can't go obviously, but I will be there afterwards. Love you too, bye." He put the phone down on her bed and stared straight ahead, she was silent as she waited for him to tell her what happened. "My mother killed herself."
Clary choked out a sob at his confession, she had known his mother for over ten years. She had always been kind to her despite having her own trouble since Simon's father died. She knew his mother had a few choice words for Simon about her when she wasn't around, he had told some of them to her once.
"You really want to know what else it was my mom said about you? She said you'd break my heart."
She pushed the memory away as fast as it had come to her, his mother had been right…she had broken Simon's heart…more than once. Not only had she broken Simon's heart she had broken his mother's heart as well, if it hadn't been for her dragging Simon into this chaos he wouldn't have been turned into a vampire. If he was still human Simon, his mother wouldn't have taken her own life, this was entirely her fault.
"I'm so sorry Simon," she cried and through her arms around him. She managed to catch him off guard, but after a few moments he collapsed into her arms.
"It's not your fault Clary," he muttered into her shoulder. She held him tighter and he felt her tears on the back of his neck. He briefly wondered if he should be the one holding her instead.
"It is my fault Simon! If I hadn't dragged you into my mess of a life you would have never been changed into a vampire. If you had never been changed into a vampire your mother would still be alive right now," she confessed.
Simon shot up and placed his hands on the sides of her face, he used his thumb to wipe away some of the tears that flowed down her flushed cheeks. Her breathing was rapid, in short agitated sessions. "Hey…listen to me! This isn't your fault! Don't ever for even a second think that! I do not regret one moment of my life with you."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and he held her while she cried. If anyone had known what was going on in the room, it would have caused them confusion. It was his mother who had died and yet she was the one in unrestrained hysterics over it, but Simon understood. Clary was releasing the emotion for both of them, emotion he would not be able to express because of what he was. He laid down with her and held her until she fell asleep. He watched as she dreamed, could hear the soft deep breaths she inhales and exhaled. He pondered his life, his existence as a whole. For the rest of her life he would have to watch as Clary grew old, every day was precious for him because he knew as long as a human life seemed, they did not have much time together. He would watch her get married, witness the birth of her children, and then finally he would see when death took her from him. The thought filled him with unspeakable horror, yet he knew that it was the way it was supposed to be. You were born, you lived, and you died, simple as that, it was Simon that was the unnatural part of the equation not Clary. It still didn't mean that the thought of living an eternity without her didn't tear him apart. He had realized that he hadn't lost his soul to the vampires that night at the Hotel Dumont, Clary had taken it a long time ago.
This floor is crackling cold, she took my heart, I think she took my soul
With the moon I run far from the carnage of the fiery sun
Driven by the strangle of vein showing no mercy I do it again,
Open up your eye, you keep on crying baby, I'll bleed you dry
Skies they blink at me, I see a storm bubbling up from the sea
And it's coming
And it's coming closer
You shimmy shook my boat leaving me stranded all in love on my own
Do you think of me? Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep?
Feel so good but I'm old, 2000 years of chasing taking its toll
"Closer" by Kings of Leon