I do not own Syfy's Alice.
I do own this story. I mean, like really. I'm owning up to it.
The Mad Hatter's Addiction
It had all started out so simply. As so many things do.
This particular thing had started out with words.
Written words. On a computer screen.
"Hey, Alice, have you ever heard of fanfiction?"
She walked over to her Hatter who was currently sitting at the kitchen counter with the laptop open before him. She wrapped her arms comfortably around his neck and shoulders. He turned his head and they shared a delicious kiss before turning their attention to the glowing screen.
"No," she answered. "What's that?"
Hatter pointed to the screen.
"It's a website where people can write stories about TV shows, or movies, or books that they like. And other people read them and talk about them and stuff."
Alice shrugged.
"Sounds interesting."
He nodded absently.
"Yeah, maybe."
Over the next few days, Hatter become, well, attached to the computer more so than usual. Alice didn't really mind. Everyone should enjoy relaxation. And since it was the dead of winter, they did stay in the apartment more than in warmer weather.
"Hmpf."
Hatter's annoyed sound made Alice look up at him, exasperated. This was the dozenth time in an hour he had made that particular sound.
"What's up?" she asked, curious.
He shook his head. She went back to reading. Well, trying to read.
"Hmpf."
She put down her book.
"Hatter, what?"
He closed the screen, his attractive eyes dark and stormy.
"It's all wrong. I'm not weird! I'm not barmy! None of this is right."
Alice tilted her head, lost in the conversation.
"Hatter, what are you talking about?"
He put his chin in his hand and sulked.
"All these stories for Alice in Wonderland. Why am I always such a weirdo?"
He ran his fingers through his thick, brown hair. And glowered at the wall.
"Of course you're not," Alice offered, not really sure why it was so important.
Hatter did not respond and continued glaring through the wall. Alice went back to her reading.
One minute later, Hatter opened the screen of the laptop again. Three minutes after that . . .
"Oh, for crying out loud . . ." he mumbled, disgusted.
Alice face palmed herself.
"Hatter, if you don't like what you're reading, just write your own story," she suggested.
He looked at her with realization dawning on his face slowly. Then he shook his head in abashment.
"Naw, I couldn't do that. I wouldn't even know where to start."
Alice shrugged, still looking at her book.
"Start at the beginning," she suggested.
She did not see the huge grin that gradually spread over her husband's handsome face. If she had, she might have suspected that she was really in for it.
After that, Hatter became very secretive about the laptop. He stayed at it even more now. And whenever she came close, he would casually lower the lid until she moved away. At first, she really didn't notice much.
Then, he started finding reasons to stay up after she went to bed. Even after they had spent some quality private time together, he would mention something about wanting to check the stove or some such thing. Then he would never come back and she frequently would fall asleep alone.
Once, she even swore she heard the tapping of keys from the closed bathroom door.
Alice loved her Hatter, but she felt a bit of a rift growing between them. And she didn't like the secrecy.
One day as Hatter was brushing his teeth, she edged over to the blue electronic device. Slowly, she raised the lid. It was black and she hesitantly tapped the space bar, refreshing the screen. In the seconds before it lit up, she thought to herself.
Please just don't let it be porn.
When the screen glowed brightly, she looked fearfully at it and then burst into laughter.
A Word Document. Hatter was writing. About Wonderland. Himself. Her. Everything.
She didn't get more than a few sentences read before the bathroom door creaked open. She quickly closed the screen and when Hatter entered the kitchen a few seconds later, Alice's head was stuck deep in the refrigerator.
As any good husband will do, he lightly smacked her on the rear to her delight. Which she of course covered with a hey, don't do that. Then he picked up the laptop protectively and settled himself on their couch.
Alice did not peek at the screen again. She left him to his work, knowing when he was confident enough, he would share it with her.
And finally he did.
"So," he began nervously.
They were out together in the city. Their errands accomplished, they had stopped for a bite of pizza at the local shop near their apartment.
Hatter fiddled with the parmesan dispenser, nearly dumping it on the table.
"I thought about what you said. About the stories."
Alice waited patiently, sipping her soda.
"And I . . . started . . . writing."
Alice smiled at him.
"That's great!"
He looked sideways at her.
"Really? You don't think it's stupid?"
She licked pizza sauce off her fingers and his eyes followed the movements of her mouth intently.
"Of course not. Can I see it?"
Hatter looked pleasantly surprised.
"Really? You want to see it?"
Alice grinned.
"Of course. It's important to you. It's important to me."
Hatter was thrilled and rushed them both right home. Grabbing the laptop, he settled on the couch and pulled up the website. After logging on, he showed her all the ins and outs of his account. His penname One and Only Hatter and his password notsomad especially tickled her.
For close to an hour, Hatter talked about viewers and graphs. Image uploaders and spell checks. Reviews and story categories. Alice was not as enchanted with the information as she was with how excited and animated Hatter was about the whole thing.
As if the computer were providing him with virtual Tea. And he was, indeed, totally addicted.
But he refused to show her his writing.
"Well, um, no. It's not done yet," he insisted sheepishly.
Alice put her hands on her hips.
"But other people are reading it," she pointed out.
Hatter shrugged.
"Yeah, but they don't know me. You do."
Alice got it. She smiled and kissed him.
"Okay then," she said. "When will it be done?"
He looked at her as if this was obvious.
"When it's done."
Alice huffed lightly at him.
"Well, okay. Ready to go out to the movie?"
Hatter unconsciously cut his eyes to the computer.
"Er, give me five minutes?"
He wrote for two hours straight. They took in the late show.
As Alice was loading their tiny dishwasher before an early class. Hatter sat at the counter near her, typing. He seemed a lot more comfortable writing around her now and she was glad he wasn't hiding it anymore.
But he still wouldn't show her the story. Still wasn't done, he said.
It had been a month.
As she placed a few dirty plates in the proper compartments, he slapped the countertop in exasperation, causing her to jump.
"I've got a great chapter all ready and no title!"
Alice looked over her shoulder.
"Well, what's it about?"
"Vampiric sunflowers."
Alice nearly dropped the salsa-spotted plate.
"There are vampiric flowers in Wonderland?"
Hatter nodded seriously.
"Yeah, they look like oval, um, what do you call them . . . sunflowers. Nasty 'lil buggers, too."
Alice grimaced. It sounded gruesome.
"But I've got no title," he complained again. "You've always got to have a great title."
"Sweet Smells Bite Me," Alice suggested.
Hatter blanched.
"Alice! I can't write that!"
He managed to sound offended.
"Sure you can," she winked. "It's perfect!"
He eyeballed her, looking suspicious.
"You're making fun of me," he accused.
She grinned.
"Just a little."
Closing the dishwasher, she turned it on. Kissed her distracted husband and prepared to leave. Opening the door, she called out over her shoulder.
"And don't forget to go to work at nine."
He managed to look annoyed.
"Alice, I'm not a child."
She grinned and closed the door behind her.
At five minutes 'til nine, she sent him a text.
Go to work.
Twenty three seconds later, she received a reply.
Oh, Jaberwock bollocks.
Alice stood before her husband the Hatter. He vaguely noticed her general presence from the corner of his eye but was so focused on the screen before him that he didn't really notice her specific attire.
"Hatter . . ." she said in a singsong voice.
He continued tapping the keys rapidly with his index fingers.
"Hmm . . ."
She put her hands on her hips, swaying her hips slightly.
"Hatter . . . I'm . . . naked."
He did not glance away from the screen at which he was glowering.
"Hmm . . . that's nice."
Alice raised an eyebrow in aggravation.
"Hatter!"
He finally glanced up and his face registered honest shock.
"Huh . . . Oh hey, you're all naked!"
She rolled her eyes and huffed as she turned to walk away.
"Hey . . . Where you going?"
Alice tossed a hand over her head in a vague, dismissive gesture.
"You want to some company?" he asked, trying to sound seductive.
She continued walking and he followed her like a hatted puppy in trouble.
"Not anymore," she said airily.
He pouted at her well-formed backside.
"Aw, what'd I do, Alice? Alice?"
Alice was sitting on the couch, presumably reading a book when he ambled into the room. He looked around casually, glancing in her direction once or twice. She continued staring at the page with no idea what she was looking at on the paper. She staunchly held an innocent expression on her lovely face.
Hatter strolled around, looking here and there, twiddling his fingers as he did so. Alice stifled a smile, locking her jaw muscles resolutely into place.
Finally, Hatter spoke.
"Hey, um, Alice?"
She took a deep breath, willing herself to maintain a straight countenance.
"Yes?" Her voice radiated virtue and blamelessness.
Hatter tried to sound nonchalant.
"Where's the laptop?"
Alice pasted a thoughtful look on her face.
"Oh gee, I don't know."
He looked around a bit more, then meandered out of the room. As soon he was gone, Alice buried her face in her book, snorting with laughter. She choked it down quickly as Hatter reappeared suddenly.
"I thought I left it right here . . ." he began.
Alice interrupted, pointing at the television program she'd cleverly recorded and held just for this moment.
"Oh hey, look what's on the History Channel. The History of Tea."
Hatter glanced over at the screen, mildly interested.
". . . Um . . . well . . ."
He sat down next to her and stayed still. For about twelve seconds. Then he started fidgeting, tapping his index fingers rhythmically. Alice remained innocent and stoic next to him, forcing herself to breathe calmly and evenly. The History of Tea, a completely boring topic to her, had never been funnier.
At the first commercial break, Hatter stood up, looking around.
"I could swear I left it right here."
Alice dissolved into tears and giggles of hilarity. Hatter looked at her suspiciously.
"A-lice?"
He eventually found it under the couch protected from immediate view by her feet.
"Oh, just thought you needed a break," she replied, batting her very innocent blue eyes at him.
It didn't work.
Finally after six, very long weeks, just as Alice was considering looking for a support group for spouses of fanfiction addicts, Hatter announced his story was complete.
He asked her if she wanted to read it. She said she did.
It was wondrously beautiful. It was hilariously funny. It was poignantly sad. It was perfect.
He had indeed started from the beginning. Of him.
She laughed out loud. She wiped away tears. She found herself nodding in agreement with the intelligent insights contained within its many chapters.
She found he had perfectly captured the parts of the adventure they had shared together. From his own special point of view. Not a few tears were shed at the heartbreak she had caused him. And the growing love he had carried for her while she pushed him away over and over.
And each time she read about Charlie, she missed him all over again.
She rubbed at the goosebumps that rose at the description of the torture he had endured at the hands of the Mad Doctors.
The Queen of Hearts. Dormie. Mad March. Ratty. Owl. Duck. Dodo. They were all there. Brilliantly, fantastically written. So real all over again.
And Jack. Poor Jack. Skewered by Hatter in his protection and love of her. She could have punched him for ruthlessly painting Jack in such a sorry light. But when they came to terms in the end, before Hatter had stepped through the Looking Glass in pursuit of her, she forgave them both.
When the story was concluded, Alice shut the screen. Hatter was sitting on the couch, pretending his nerves had not been shot to pieces while she read the opus of his life.
Slowly, she approached him. Sat astride him and looked deeply into his dark eyes. Then, without a word, she kissed him. Fully and lovingly. With that kiss, she showed him that she loved him even more than ever.
The more she kissed him, the more she loved him. And the more she loved him, the more she wanted him.
Finally, leaving their clothes scattered at randomly intervals between the living room and the bedroom, she showed him just how much. And he showed her.
Again.
Later, when she had redressed, she came back into the living area to find him, mussed and rumpled, sitting at the computer once more.
"Hatter?"
Her voice asked the question for her.
He looked up with a grin.
"Got another idea."
Oh boy. Here we go again.
Outrageously silly, I know. But everyone needs some silly sometimes. And I've been writing some really dark stuff lately. So this is my therapy. ;)
I am absolutely sure Hatter would not be offended your guys' writing. But he is Hatter after all and always opinionated, yeah?
Okay, I'm not saying parts of this aren't autobiographical. Not exactly. But I will say that if my husband were reading (which he's not - trust me) he'd be laughing and pointing at me right about now. So, ha.
Thanks to Bubble Wrapped Kitty, joellen818, ChiefPam, SlayGal27, couponmommy83, and ImagineWho for your kind reviews!
Now, so apparently, some mystery guest reader with puppy dog eyes (you must be so cute) has not only reviewed this goofy story positively (thank you SO much, sweetie) but has requested I write the Hatter's story that he wrote. Would you read that? Give me a shout out, PM me, psychic brain signals, something. I'm all ears.
Thanks to ToNEVERgrowinup, CalypsoSoul, Marvel Mistress94, NightAngel92, and cluelessninja65 for adding your support to this tale.
Oh and mystery guest reader with your cute puppy dog eyes - get an account (they're free, sweetie) and let's talk. Hmmm? We can work together. Come on, whaddya say?
Everybody likes feedback. Leave a review if you like.