Summary: Ichigo struggles to cope with what happened many years ago. Can he find comfort in a total stranger on the anniversary of the saddest day in his life? One shot. R&R please.
Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own Bleach or its characters. That right belongs to Tite Kubo, the artist and creator. This is just a fan fiction written for fun. No profit is being made.
Cleansing Rain:
It had been years since that day. The saddest day of his life.
This year, the anniversary fell on a weekday so Ichigo and his sisters took the day off from school to visit their mother's grave. Ichigo followed his usual tradition of not accompanying them. Instead, like every year, he stayed home and crawled into bed with the lights off.
He stared at the ceiling for a while then put the pillow over his face and tried to sleep the day away. He just wanted to get through it. Most of the time, he treated the day as if it was just a nightmare. Something he got through but never really happened. He preferred to think of the day as an illusion. That it wasn't real. The day just didn't exist.
For so long, that was how he got through it. He just acted like there were only 364 day of the year. However, today it just wasn't working.
He couldn't sleep and he couldn't pretend.
Acting like everything stopped today and would start up again the following morning just didn't help this time. Not that it ever really helped in previous years, but it numbed the pain slightly. It was just a way to cope, not forget.
He could never forget.
Since ignoring the day wasn't going to work, he tried to keep himself busy so he wouldn't think about it. That didn't work either. Every time he tried to do something, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He tried to do some homework but just sat at his desk with the book open. He could only stare at the pages and not read. The words didn't look like words to him but long lines of nothing. He tried to make himself some food but he wasn't hungry. He just stood in front of the fridge and stared at the shelves with the door wide open. He tried to take a bath but he just stood in the middle of the room fully clothed and looked at the floor.
He felt empty. He had nothing left. No will to do anything and no strength to do it even if he had the gumption.
Everything seemed to be frozen in time. The house was dark and quiet with his father and sisters gone. The clock ticked but it looked like the hands weren't moving.
This was always the longest day of his life.
He had to do something. He felt so restless. But what could he do with no energy to do it with?
He was lost.
For once, he decided to leave his house and go for a walk.
He had nowhere to go but he just wanted to walk. He had to move. Maybe his legs would make the earth turn quicker. He had to get through this day.
Hours went by and he kept walking. He didn't know or care where he was going. He just kept walking.
A light rain started and Ichigo felt an invisible hand press into his stomach.
It was raining then, too.
As if to run from the rain, Ichigo took a different path. The rain only lasted a few minutes then stopped. He looked at the dark sky and wondered what time it was. Had his family returned? Should he go back?
He stopped and realized he had unconsciously walked to the cemetery. He looked at the concrete path leading up the small hill where all the headstone stood in straight lines.
Maybe his body brought him here for a reason.
He walked up the slanted path and saw the headstones. He walked slowly until he saw the one labeled 'Kurosaki' and stopped.
He knew that name, but it didn't seem real. It was just a stone. Only a stone. No face, no scent, no warm body he could throw his arms around.
It wasn't her, but this was where she lay. This was her resting place.
He stood staring at the stone for a long time.
It still didn't seem real.
It was just a stone.
How could he think it was her when he couldn't see her? When nothing about the stone resembled her? It only had the name. That was the only way he could tell she was there. Knowing this was hers among all the identical stones in this maze of sorrow.
Why did he even come? He wanted to remember her as she was. So warm and loving and full of life. Her kind and caring smile, her sweet scent and warm embrace. Instead he had to look at this cold, unfeeling slab of stone.
It was a grave.
Did he really have to come here and see this? Did he really have to be reminded that she was gone? That he would never see her again? Hear her voice and feel her hugs?
Did he really have to come here and be reminded that it was all his fault?
If he hadn't run off in the rain…
If he could only tell the difference between human and ghost at the time…
If he hadn't made her chase after him…
He bit his lip.
His chest hurt. His eyes stung.
It was his fault.
Why did he come here? Just to confirm that?
Why?
Why did it have to happen?
Why?
Why did their world have to be shattered?
Why them?
Why her?
Ichigo shook, unable to vent his feelings. He wanted to scream. He wanted to throw something. To attack something. There was nothing around but stone and he could never do such a thing. Not to hers. Not to anyone who rested here.
What could he do?
How else could he..?
Something distracted him. He could hear footsteps.
Ichigo looked to his left and saw a woman carrying flowers. She was an old woman but she looked like she still had good mobility.
Her slow-moving steps came to a halt when she saw him.
"Oh. I'm sorry," she told him in a voice full of gentle kindness. "I didn't mean to disturb you."
Ichigo straightened up. "No. It's alright."
The woman looked at the flowers in her hand and started to walk away. "I'll give you some privacy."
"It's alright. I don't mind." He didn't. He welcomed the distraction. "I was just leaving anyway."
The woman smiled, but she didn't move from where she stood.
Ichigo came over to her. "Let me help you with those."
"That's very kind of you, but there's no need. Flowers are one of the few things I can carry these days that don't bother my joints."
"At least let me walk with you."
The woman smiled and accepted his offer.
They walked slowly down the row of headstones and over to the next row. The old woman stopped in front of a headstone and placed the flowers beside the grave. She said a silent prayer while Ichigo stepped aside to give her some privacy. He didn't know whose grave this was but he bowed his head anyway to show his respect.
He glanced at the old woman and wondered if this grave belonged to her husband.
The woman lifted her head and gave the grave a sad look. Then she turned her attention back to Ichigo. "I've never seen you here before. Have you lost someone recently?"
He shook his head. "A while ago, actually."
"I'm so sorry."
"Thank you." He could tell she was being sincere.
"I know the feeling." She looked at the grave in front of her. "This is my son."
Ichigo was a little surprised to hear that, but it was no less sad than his original assumption.
"It was a while before I could bring myself to come here and pay him a visit," she went on. "My husband and I had been trying for a while. I was in my forties when I finally got pregnant. We knew it was our last chance. I was very careful. When our son was born, I was so happy. He was a beautiful, healthy baby boy. We were so proud."
The woman gave a sad sigh.
Ichigo wanted to ask what happened, but he didn't want to pry.
He didn't have to ask. The woman told him without being prompted.
"One evening, I was home cooking while my husband worked late. My son was watching TV at the time. He was ten. He looked away from the screen and told me he wanted a soda to drink. I told him I was in the middle of cooking and couldn't leave to buy him one. The store was on the corner of our street. You could walk there and back in a few minutes. He had done so many times in the past. When he came home from school, he would stop by the store before coming inside to get himself a snack. I told him if he wanted to have a soda, he would have to get it himself. I told him he was getting older now and should start being more responsible. Instead of being dotted upon, he could get things himself. And he had been to that store countless times on his way home from school so I knew I wasn't asking much. I thought it would be alright."
Ichigo saw the old woman start to shiver and approached. When he looked at her face, he could see her fighting back tears.
"My son did not come home that night. When he took longer than half an hour, I knew something was wrong. It only took him ten minutes to get there and back on foot." The woman sniffled and a tear ran down her cheek. "I found out that a man tried to rob the store with a knife. He stabbed my son."
Ichigo put an arm around her shoulder.
"I don't know what happened. I was told that the man didn't want my son to identify him. Someone else told me that my son was just coming into the store when it happened. The robber saw my son blocking the door and stabbed him so he could get by. He could have just shoved my boy aside. He didn't have to kill him. He was only a child. They got the robber, but it didn't bring back my son."
"I'm so sorry," Ichigo whispered.
The woman started crying into her hands. "It's all my fault. If only I hadn't sent him out that night."
Ichigo held the woman's shoulders tightly. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known such a thing would happen."
She sniffled. "I'm his mother. I should have gone to the store myself and gotten him the soda. I could have asked him to watch the pot while I was gone. It's a mother's job to take care of her children. I told him to be more responsible. He was only ten. I should be taking care of him. Dotting on him. If only I have gone instead of him. What was I thinking?"
"Then you might have been killed." Ichigo stood in front of her and gave her a firm but caring look. "What would he have done if he lost his mother? He needed you."
Without a mother, the boy might have ended up like Ichigo. Feeling what he felt after he lost his mother. He wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Why in the world would this woman think dying in her son's place would have been a good thing? It would have devastated him.
The old woman raised her head and blinked the tears from her eyes. "But it's a mother's job to protect her child."
Ichigo didn't hear anything the woman said after that. It was as if his body had gone into shock.
Somewhere deep down he knew it was the truth, but he felt as if he was just discovering it for the first time.
His mother died to protect him. She loved him so much, she was willing to die for him.
She could have walked away and concerned herself with her remaining daughters, but instead she chose to stay and look after her son. He needed her in that moment. She wanted to protect him.
It was her choice.
Ichigo looked at the old woman in front of him and realized this could have been her. His mother might have been shattered by what happened to her son. If Ichigo had died, what would have become of his mother?
She was always so happy and smiling. So bright and warm. She truly was the center of their world.
He couldn't bear to have her sad. To see that smile fade away.
If he had died that day instead of her, she might have changed.
Ichigo's death might have shattered her. Especially if she felt it was her fault.
All this time, Ichigo felt it was his fault, but if their places had been reversed, she would have been the one blaming herself.
Ichigo never wanted his mother to be sad. If he had died, she would have been. What about his sisters? What would have become of them? She wouldn't have been the only one affected.
He had been blaming himself for so long, but it wasn't his fault. Part of him knew it never was, but it was hard not to find someone to blame in that kind of situation. The old woman he was talking to now blamed herself for something that wasn't her fault.
It was a bit ironic, actually.
He and the old woman were very similar in that sense. She blamed herself and he blamed himself.
The only positive thing to come of this was that Ichigo was now able to see a glimpse of what could have happened to his mother if she hadn't protected him. If he had died, she might have ended up like this old woman; full of sorrow and blaming herself.
He could never do that to her.
The old woman was right, anyway. It was a mother's job to protect her child.
Ichigo stayed with the old woman until she calmed down. They talked for a bit and Ichigo shared his experience with her in hopes she would find comfort in his words. She seemed to feel better after hearing his point of view. She even gave him a hug and thanked him.
Before she left, she confessed that it was many years before she could forgive herself and realize she was not to blame, but she still felt guilty. After speaking with him, that last shred of guilt was gone. It seemed she had made peace with the past and could move on.
He walked her to the sidewalk and they parted ways.
Ichigo was going to leave, but decided to go back to his mother's grave for a bit.
It was time to give her a proper visit.
Upon his returned, he was able to notice the flowers his family left. The color did look good against the stone. It made things seem brighter.
He crouched in front of her grave and gave the headstone a small smile.
"Hi… Mom." Saying that name again made him choke up a bit. He had to clear his throat before trying again. "It's me. I, uh… I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while. It's just… been hard, you know?"
He knew the headstone wouldn't speak to him, but he knew she was listening.
"I've… I've been blaming myself for what happened back then when I was a kid. I just felt like it was my fault. If I hadn't… You would still be…" He cleared his throat. "But I know you wouldn't want me to be upset or to blame myself. It's just been so hard getting by without you around. But we're doing ok, so you don't have to worry. Yuzu and Karin are fine. They have lots of friends and they're both really kind and caring people. Dad's the same as ever."
Ichigo spoke from the heart. He never gave any thought to what he was about to say next. The words just came pouring out of him.
"I'm… I guess I'm doing ok. I hope I'm making you proud."
He stopped for a moment, seeing the headstone begin to blur.
"I don't want you to worry about me. I thought if I had been stronger back then, you… But I know you would have rushed to protect me no matter what. A mother's job is to protect her kids, right? So even if I could have been able to protect myself, I know you would have tried to protect me anyway. That's what makes you…"
Ichigo took a deep breath.
"I never really, uh… For that day and all the times before that you…"
He gave the headstone a sad smile.
"Thank you. Thank you for being a great mom and for loving me. For loving all of us."
A tear ran down his cheek.
"Even if you're not physically with us, you're still a part of us. You do inspire us. Thank you. I love you, Mom."
His voice broke upon using that name and this time, Ichigo did not hold back. He let himself cry.
He did not feel ashamed. He did not feel any less of a man.
He knew he needed to cry.
He needed to let it out.
As a result, he felt better. A lot better.
It was so cleansing.
He felt something hit the back of his head and realized it had started to rain again. A light rain.
It was almost as if his mother were crying with him.
Unlike before, this rain did not make him feel sad or sick to his stomach. It felt good.
When he was finished crying, Ichigo wiped his tears away on the back of his hand and gave the headstone a smile.
"I did make a lot of new friends," he said. "Orihime, Chad. Even Uryu, but I know he won't admit it without a little prodding. And I met this girl, Rukia. She would have liked you. She's a Soul Reaper. Oh, I should tell you, I became a Soul Reaper, too. I lost my powers, but I got them back a little while ago. I met these people. They turned out to be trouble, but they did help me out. I was kind of in a fix, but the Rukia showed up. Along with a whole bunch of others friends. Our friends. They really helped me out. There's this one guy, Renji. He…"
Ichigo talked for a long time. Longer than he intended. It seemed like he was making up for lost time. He talked and talked until the light rain stopped. Then he left.
He actually left in a better mood than when he arrived.
The rain started up again and followed him home but he didn't mind.
Perhaps next year he would accompany his sisters and father for their annual visit. It really wasn't fair to them, making them go by themselves.
He felt he could handle it now.
It had always been too painful for him to go and visit. Now he knew the pain didn't last. Not forever.
Just like in the past, seeing his mother did brighten his spirits.
She always knew how to make him feel better.
The End.
I thought I'd try something a little different.
I know it's not as amusing as some of my other fictions, but I enjoyed writing this anyway. Just something a little different.
Hope you enjoyed it at least a little (even if it was a little on the sad side). Thank you for reading and please review!