[Disclaimer: I don't own Bob's Burgers, this is strictly for my own entertainment.]
Chapter 1: Beholder Muenster
On a hot New Jersey summer day, the Belchers were once again trying to come up with a way to stir up business. Gene stood in the corner alternating between picking his nose and farting against the vinyl fabric of the barstools. "I'm looking for a more ostentatious sound."
"Gene, that's not what it means-"
"YOU DON'T KNOW!"
Meanwhile Tina was restocking napkins, humming an old Boyz4Now tune. Louise had been given the job of 'Please don't steal the knives again, just stand at the register. NO, DO NOT CHANGE THE BURGER OF THE DAY!"
"Linda, don't- no, you're cutting the tomatoes all wrong." Bob stood in front of the grill, his spatula hand limp as he watched his wife julienne the tomatoes.
"Don't be such a pill, Bob." She snapped back at her husband. "You always go on about creativity, how about you let Linda have a go… for once!" She cackled at her own inside joke. Bob sighed and returned to flipping patties.
"We need to figure out how to increase revenue." He plated the patties for the only two customers they had since they opened two hours ago.
"I have an idea." Louise poked her head through the serving hatch.
"No voodoo." Bob stated flatly. Louise frowned.
"Let me finish, father." Her frown slowly turned into a menacing smile. "What if we sold your kidneys on the black market. I have a guy who'd give us a fair price."
"Louise," Linda warned, putting her hands on her hips, "what did we talk about the Black Market?"
"I know, I know," Louise groaned, "no selling mom and dad's body parts unless they're on their deathbeds, but I have a guy! Besides, does dad really need both of his kidneys? Couldn't hurt to shed a couple pounds, am I right, dad?"
"Thank you, Louise. I'll think about it." Bob took the plates and made his way through the swinging door, handing off each plate to its respective customer. On his way back to the kitchen, he fantasized about Louise's idea. He probably didn't need both kidneys. What were kidneys worth anyway? A couple thousand each, right? At least?
Bob shook his head. No, that's crazy talk… god, we really need the money. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, his most faithful customer and "best friend" walked through the door, looking exhausted and dangerously sweaty.
"Afternoon, Teddy. Busy day?"
The rotund, hairy man chuckled, reaching for a napkin to wipe his drenched brow. "Oh boy, Bobby, I tell ya what. If people took care of their homes, I'd be out of a job." He guffawed before plopping into a seat, crumpling the soaked napkin next to him. "No, they're great. Good people, you know, my customers."
"The usual, Teddy?"
"Thanks, Bob." As Bob started on Teddy's usual burger of the day, the Pretty in Pink burger (medium rare cooked burger with thousand island dressing). Within seconds, Teddy turned to Gene to share a very interesting encounter with who he thought was Heather Locklear, but turned out to be regular-sized Rudy's new step-mom.
"How'd his dad manage that one?" Louise inquired in disbelief. Bet Rudy's feel pretty awkward now that his dad has a new lady, she mused.
"Funny story, actually," Teddy started much to Louise's chagrin. Luckily, the bell to the door chimed and in walked Mort. The entire restaurant gaped at the man striding in as if nothing was different. But it was. It was very different.
In place of his usual toupee was a flowing blond wig topped with a lopsided hat that looked as though it hadn't been washed since it's creation. He wore beige tights under a long forest green tunic, and a dark brown cloak around his neck. He plopped onto the free stool beside Teddy before realizing all eyes were fixed on him.
"What?"
Louise was the first to break the silence, naturally. "Oh, Mort, where to start?"
"Is that a new toupee?"
"It's a wig, Tina, thank you very much." Mort snapped indignantly. "But no… it's, ah, not new. Ahem." He started to flush. Even Bob and Linda paused to gawk at him. He looked down at his hands and cleared his throat. "Cheeseburger and side salad, please."
Bob jumped, "Right. Linda, can you prep the salad?" He looked over at his wife, who's eyes were glazed over. "Lin?"
"Huh?" She didn't blink. "Uhh, sure, sure. Side salad." She slowly peeled herself away from the serving hatch to begin Mort's order. Meanwhile, the Belcher children and Teddy were still fixed on getting an explanation from dear Mortimer.
"Are you from a parallel universe? Are you from Middle Earth?!" Gene gasped at the possibilities shooting into his mind. Mort chuckled at his wild imagination.
"No, no. I'm just coming from a themed funeral."
"Oh God, you still do those?" Louise groaned, mildly judging the middle-to-ripe-aged man before them.
"Of course! How do you think I keep business going?"
"I don't get it, Mort." Teddy stared, dumbfounded. "People pay you to dress up and bury their loved ones?" Mort looked up at the ceiling, as though trying to think of the right words for Teddy's understanding.
"A group of gamers lost a friend -"
"You mean, nerds?" Louise interjected, resting her chin on her hand.
"Some might call this particular group that, however their friend wanted to go out with a bang. Or in this case, a live-action roleplay game where he dies heroically."
"Isn't that… murder?" Tina backed away from the counter.
"Oh, no, Tina. He was already dead." Tina started to groan nervously. "My clients had to change their storyline, but they wanted to be as true to his dying wish as possible. I just came back from the cemetery after a battle erupted between the halflings and the elves. Now that I did not expect."
"How much did you charge the nerds?" Louise asked, half-interested as she rolled a piece of chalk between her fingers.
"Eh, about 15 grand." Louise gasped.
"As in 15,000 US dollars?!" Gene exclaimed.
"You got it!" He smiled as Bob walked through the swinging door to give him his plate of food.
"Mort, you charged a group of kids 15,000 for a funeral?" Bob gave the fully-garbed man an uneasy look.
"Kids? Heavens, no! These folks were almost as old as I am. I'm 35." Mort glanced back and forth from Bob to Teddy.
"HA!"
"Louise!" Bob warned. He turned back to his neighbor. "You're telling me adults dress up and..." He looked Mort up and down. "Do this?"
"You betcha!" Mort dug into his food, famished from being in the sun for most of the morning. Bob returned to the kitchen as the kids grilled Mort for more details, fantasizing about how much his organs would go for on the black market.
***A/N: First chapter is a bit short, but there you have it. My next chapter will be up sometime before Mother's Day; that's when one of our main characters comes up with a brilliant plan to increase revenue... hopefully. Reviews are appreciated!***