Sailor Senshi Deathmatch
Episode 1: Inner Senshi vs. the Teletubbies
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us… well, except for Fire Angel,
who is actually one of the authors of this thing! So don't go trying to sue us because… well,
just don't.
Usagi: Konnichiwa, minna-san, and welcome to the first episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch. I'm
Tsukino Usagi, fighter for love and justice and all that… or for you American buffs, Serena. And
this is my… friend… mister Happy-go-lucky narrator guy. We're your commentators for today.
Narrator: Eh-oh young Teletubsters! The sun has risen over Teletubbie Land and the Teletubbies
came out to play, when they were suddenly challenged to battle by these weirdos with severe
personality disorders… for all you youngsters out there, that's bad evil people who want to bash
up *sniff* our friends, the Teletubbies!
Usagi: As you can tell, the Sailor Senshi's opposing team for today are *disdainful sigh*… the
Teletubbies. But anyway, on with the battle! Introducing Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor
Jupiter and Sailor Venus!
Inner Senshi: Konnichiwa, minna! *Venus winks and makes the peace sign*
Narrator: And to challenge these… *sarcastically* lovely ladies, are the coolest tubbies with
teles on their bellies, the Teletubbies!!
Teletubbies: Eh-oh!!!! *start singing the 'Teletubbies' song*
Usagi: Ooh! Without warning, Sailor Mercury opens up with a surprise attack of… Shabon Spray?!
Ami-chan, what are you doing?
Narrator: That was cheating! It was cheating, right!? I'm sure it was! They can't do that! The
bell didn't ring!! CHEATS!!!
Mercury: *apologetically* Sorry… give me one more chance. Their song was annoying the hell out of
me.
Mars: You can talk, Mister Happy Man! Your precious Stubbies were cheating before we were! That
singing can kill anyone!
Lala: I thought we sounded pretty!
Mercury: Hey! No one told us you could talk!
Venus: Can we get on with this, please? I have an appointment with my manicurist.
Narrator: Well, we better hit the bell then…
!!DING!!
Usagi: Because of Ami-chan's previous… attack… the area is still extremely fogged up. I can't see
anything! *Wails* I wanna see what's happening! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna! *delighted* Hey!
There's a gap in the mist! I can see! Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter are keying up to attack the
Teletubbies, who are… standing there doing nothing.
Narrator: THEIR ATTACKS HIT TINKY-WINKY!! That was nasty, wasn't it kids!? Poor old Tinky-Winky
didn't do anything!
Tinky-Winky: Tinky… Winky…
Usagi: Shut up, dumbass! Oh, what's this? In retaliation, Dipsy is turning on his television
screen. A cooking show. How interesting. *Horrified* No, Mako-chan! What are you doing?! Mako,
don't sit down and watch the cooking show! MAKO!
Jupiter: *dreamily* That looks yummy. I'll have to try that one someday…
Po: Don't swear… Not nice.
Lala: *despairingly* Tinky-Winky!
Narrator: You won't be able to try it if you're in hospital, Sailor Jupiter. Po is sneaking up
behind her and… Hahahaha!!!!!! He hit her over the head with what seems to be a mallet.
Usagi: Makooooooo! I thought those stupid tubbies weren't into violence! Oh, man! Jupiter's going
down, but she still has enough strength to ram Po in the stomach with her head! Ouch, that would
hurt! Go, Mako-chan!
Narrator: Oh no! What's this?! Po's tele has smashed!! NOOOOO!!! Pieces of glass are flying
everywhere. Ha! Look at that! One piece hit Sailor Venus across the face!
Venus: My beautiful face! You bastard! You're going to pay for this! VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY
SHOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Usagi: Aah! Venus does her attack more powerful than ever, in the sake of beauty! And Po is a
goner, exploded remains of him lying all over the arena. That's two down, two to go!!! *mutters
to herself* maybe I should start bribing youmas to scratch Mina-chan across the face from now on…
Narrator: Damn… ummm… … … WE CAN'T LOSE!!! COME ON TELETUBBIES!! FIGHT BACK!!!!
Dipsy: NOOOOOO!!! PO!!! You die for that Sailor Senshi!!!!
Tinky-Winky: *angrily* Tinky… Winky! Tinky-Winky!
Usagi: Great. So much for two down. Oh well, one down, three to go! Come on Senshi, you can do
it!
From audience… some guy from the Waterboy: You can do it! You can do it all night long!
Especially with that Venus chick!
Venus: *Winks and blows a kiss out to the audience* Come see me later and I'll give you my
number… hee hee!
Mars: *mockingly* So Tubs, what's next? You're gonna show us re-runs of Playschool?
Tinky-Winky: No… We shoot you!!! *pulls out a machine gun*
Venus: I don't think so, handsome.
Mercury: My analysis tells me that the machine gun is definitely real.
Mars: Not a problem. He doesn't have to fire it, does he? Akuryo Taisan!
Usagi: Woo-hoo! The anti-evil scroll hits Tinky-Winky and he appears to slow down… but, wait!
What's this? He's moving again!
Narrator: Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can it be you possibly think the Teletubbies are evil?
Usagi: When they whack Mako over the head with mallets and then pull machine guns on us, yes. I
would say they are most certainly evil.
Narrator: Yes… but… *thinks for a second* they bring happiness to children all over the world!
That means that they are good!!
From audience… Irvine Kinneas (think Final Fantasy 8): Yeah, but the Sailor Senshi bring
happiness to all the guys in the world! Except for that one that actually looks like a guy… but
hey, Venus! I just wanna let you know that we belong together!
From audience… Selphie Tilmitt: Oi! *slapping sound, followed by an 'oof' from Irvine*
Irvine: Geez, can't a guy have a bit of a flirt?
Usagi: *looks up as a cackling noise is heard* What the…?!
Jupiter: Here! Use this! *drops an absolutely huge object*
Mars: Jupiter?! Jupiter, what are you doing up on the roof?
Venus: Excellent, it's a rocket launcher!
Mercury: I'm not usually up for violence, but this is going to be fun.
Usagi: Wah-hoo! This is soooooooo cool!
From audience… Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 2): Guys, couldn't you make up your own storyline,
instead of borrowing from ours?
From somewhere in the realms of heaven… Fire Angel: Nup.
Narrator: OK everyone. I think we're getting a little off track. Let's get back to the fight,
shall we?
Venus: *shrugging and picking up the rocket launcher* Okay.
Narrator: No, that's not what I meant… no, that's not fair! Leave the harmless creatures alone!!
Usagi: Harmless? Mako's a ghost, who's quoting off of a survival horror Playstation game.
Harmless. No. Not harmless, mister happy. Not harmless at all.
Venus: *looking up at the commentators' box and shrugging* It's only got two rounds, anyway, so
it isn't gonna be much use. Two rounds… three Teletubbies, there'll still be one left. So which
one do I blow up first? Hmm… Lala, let's start with you. I'm the yellow one around here,
thankyou!
Narrator: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Usagi: And she fires… and she… MISSES?! *sweatdrop* Venus, you ditz! I didn't know you were so
much of an airhead! You absolute fool!
Venus: Umm… sorry. *hands the launcher sheepishly to Mars* There's still one round left… maybe we
can hit two Teletubbies with one stone, so to speak.
Usagi: *looking relieved* It looks like Mars-sama has a plan… she's smirking at Dipsy…
Narrator: What is going on?!
Mars: *smirking* Akuryo… TAISAN!
Usagi: *sweatdrop* Mars! That doesn't work, remember?! Oh… what's this? Oh my gosh, I forgot the
attack slows the tubby-tot down a little!
Mars: Game over, Dipsy.
Leon: Would you quit stealing my lines?! Seriously, man.
Narrator: They're killing the Teletubbies!! Kids! We have to do something!!!!
Usagi: WHAT?! There are kids flocking onto the arena. Isn't that against the rules? It's supposed
to be four against four! Hey, wait! The tub-tubs are running away! That means the Sailor Senshi
win!
Narrator: That is if they survive the onslaught of the children!!
Usagi: That's it! Since when did you start acting so mature anyway? We've won, so we're allowed
to cheat! Moon Eternal, Make Up!
Narrator: Hey!! But I can't do anything like that!! That's not fair!!!!!
Eternal Moon: And you think what you're doing is fair? Using kids to do your dirty work? I think
not! For love and justice, In place of the moon, I will punish you! I am Eternal Sailor Moon!
Mars: Woo-hoo! Go Sailor Moon! Aah! You little brat, stop biting my ankles!
Narrator: Aaahh!!! Mommy….
Eternal Moon: He heh… this is the bit I like best. Silver Moon Crystal Power…
Leon: Hmmph. That sounds like something I said once, too.
Narrator: What?! Silver Moon Crystal Power!? Boy, do you have some issues…
Eternal Moon: KISS!!!!!!!
Irvine: Yes, please! OWWWWW!!!!! Sefie, what was that for?
Selphie: Hmmph.
Mercury: As our current commentators seem to be busy, with Sailor Moon conducting a spell of
awesome magnitude, and that weird guy cowering in absolute horror, I am your new commentator.
Mizuno Ami! As Eternal Sailor Moon casts her attack, every single kid in the area explodes. Yuck.
There's blood everywhere. Sailor Moon, what happened? Usually they turn into dust!
Eternal Moon: Isn't it obvious how pissed off I am? So the attack was more powerful and exploded
the kids. I don't care. I've got blood all over my fuku, because Mister Happy exploded all over
me. Yuck! Is that his heart sitting on top of my odango?? Hey, where are Sailor Mars and Sailor
Venus?
Mars: *walking in with Venus* We just finished off the remaining Uglytubbies. They're dead now,
so suck it, kids!
Venus: *wailing* I got blood all through my hair! And my make-up's all smudged. I don't wanna do
this anymore!!!!
Irvine: Don't cry, babe! *runs down to the blood soaked arena and hugs her*
Venus: *winks and slips him her number*
Selphie: IRVINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jupiter: Geez, do you think you could keep it down a little? I've got a mega headache.
Mercury: Jupiter! You're dead!
Jupiter: No, I'm not. Did you think a mallet was gonna keep me down? If so, I've got news for
you, Mizuno.
Mercury: *blushing* You're right. I should have been able to analyse the situation and work it
out. *everyone gets a huge sweatdrop*
Eternal Moon: Well, minna-san, that's about it. The sailor senshi have rid the world from the
scum known as the Teletubbies. So until next time…
Mars: Hang on a mo, odango. Didn't you know that Tinky-Winky and Lala actually had children not
long ago?
Eternal Moon: *sweatdrop* Aah… no… I didn't realise that… but in that case, it looks like we'd
better keep moving.
Jupiter: Why? Where are we going?
Venus: *still wailing* I need a shower!!!! Waaaaahhhhhh!
Irvine: *dreamy look on his face* Let me know when you're having this shower okay, Venus-sama?
Maybe I'll join you.
Venus: *winks as Selphie slaps him*
Mercury: Where are we going, Sailor Moon?
Eternal Moon: Well… *smiles at Leon and gives the almighty peace sign* It's up to us to take out
the remaining Teletubbies. *heavy rock music starts, sounding suspiciously like the ending theme
to Resident Evil 2's 2nd scenario…*
Leon: GODAMMIT!!!!! You people do not give up! Would you please stop ripping on my game?!
PLEASE?!?!?!?!?!?!
Eternal Moon: *laughing* Well, as you can see, we have some important business to attend to. But
for now, ja mata!
Episode 1: Inner Senshi vs. the Teletubbies
By Fire Angel & Satan's Angel
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this deathmatch belong to us… well, except for Fire Angel,
who is actually one of the authors of this thing! So don't go trying to sue us because… well,
just don't.
Usagi: Konnichiwa, minna-san, and welcome to the first episode of Sailor Senshi Deathmatch. I'm
Tsukino Usagi, fighter for love and justice and all that… or for you American buffs, Serena. And
this is my… friend… mister Happy-go-lucky narrator guy. We're your commentators for today.
Narrator: Eh-oh young Teletubsters! The sun has risen over Teletubbie Land and the Teletubbies
came out to play, when they were suddenly challenged to battle by these weirdos with severe
personality disorders… for all you youngsters out there, that's bad evil people who want to bash
up *sniff* our friends, the Teletubbies!
Usagi: As you can tell, the Sailor Senshi's opposing team for today are *disdainful sigh*… the
Teletubbies. But anyway, on with the battle! Introducing Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor
Jupiter and Sailor Venus!
Inner Senshi: Konnichiwa, minna! *Venus winks and makes the peace sign*
Narrator: And to challenge these… *sarcastically* lovely ladies, are the coolest tubbies with
teles on their bellies, the Teletubbies!!
Teletubbies: Eh-oh!!!! *start singing the 'Teletubbies' song*
Usagi: Ooh! Without warning, Sailor Mercury opens up with a surprise attack of… Shabon Spray?!
Ami-chan, what are you doing?
Narrator: That was cheating! It was cheating, right!? I'm sure it was! They can't do that! The
bell didn't ring!! CHEATS!!!
Mercury: *apologetically* Sorry… give me one more chance. Their song was annoying the hell out of
me.
Mars: You can talk, Mister Happy Man! Your precious Stubbies were cheating before we were! That
singing can kill anyone!
Lala: I thought we sounded pretty!
Mercury: Hey! No one told us you could talk!
Venus: Can we get on with this, please? I have an appointment with my manicurist.
Narrator: Well, we better hit the bell then…
!!DING!!
Usagi: Because of Ami-chan's previous… attack… the area is still extremely fogged up. I can't see
anything! *Wails* I wanna see what's happening! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna! *delighted* Hey!
There's a gap in the mist! I can see! Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter are keying up to attack the
Teletubbies, who are… standing there doing nothing.
Narrator: THEIR ATTACKS HIT TINKY-WINKY!! That was nasty, wasn't it kids!? Poor old Tinky-Winky
didn't do anything!
Tinky-Winky: Tinky… Winky…
Usagi: Shut up, dumbass! Oh, what's this? In retaliation, Dipsy is turning on his television
screen. A cooking show. How interesting. *Horrified* No, Mako-chan! What are you doing?! Mako,
don't sit down and watch the cooking show! MAKO!
Jupiter: *dreamily* That looks yummy. I'll have to try that one someday…
Po: Don't swear… Not nice.
Lala: *despairingly* Tinky-Winky!
Narrator: You won't be able to try it if you're in hospital, Sailor Jupiter. Po is sneaking up
behind her and… Hahahaha!!!!!! He hit her over the head with what seems to be a mallet.
Usagi: Makooooooo! I thought those stupid tubbies weren't into violence! Oh, man! Jupiter's going
down, but she still has enough strength to ram Po in the stomach with her head! Ouch, that would
hurt! Go, Mako-chan!
Narrator: Oh no! What's this?! Po's tele has smashed!! NOOOOO!!! Pieces of glass are flying
everywhere. Ha! Look at that! One piece hit Sailor Venus across the face!
Venus: My beautiful face! You bastard! You're going to pay for this! VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY
SHOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Usagi: Aah! Venus does her attack more powerful than ever, in the sake of beauty! And Po is a
goner, exploded remains of him lying all over the arena. That's two down, two to go!!! *mutters
to herself* maybe I should start bribing youmas to scratch Mina-chan across the face from now on…
Narrator: Damn… ummm… … … WE CAN'T LOSE!!! COME ON TELETUBBIES!! FIGHT BACK!!!!
Dipsy: NOOOOOO!!! PO!!! You die for that Sailor Senshi!!!!
Tinky-Winky: *angrily* Tinky… Winky! Tinky-Winky!
Usagi: Great. So much for two down. Oh well, one down, three to go! Come on Senshi, you can do
it!
From audience… some guy from the Waterboy: You can do it! You can do it all night long!
Especially with that Venus chick!
Venus: *Winks and blows a kiss out to the audience* Come see me later and I'll give you my
number… hee hee!
Mars: *mockingly* So Tubs, what's next? You're gonna show us re-runs of Playschool?
Tinky-Winky: No… We shoot you!!! *pulls out a machine gun*
Venus: I don't think so, handsome.
Mercury: My analysis tells me that the machine gun is definitely real.
Mars: Not a problem. He doesn't have to fire it, does he? Akuryo Taisan!
Usagi: Woo-hoo! The anti-evil scroll hits Tinky-Winky and he appears to slow down… but, wait!
What's this? He's moving again!
Narrator: Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can it be you possibly think the Teletubbies are evil?
Usagi: When they whack Mako over the head with mallets and then pull machine guns on us, yes. I
would say they are most certainly evil.
Narrator: Yes… but… *thinks for a second* they bring happiness to children all over the world!
That means that they are good!!
From audience… Irvine Kinneas (think Final Fantasy 8): Yeah, but the Sailor Senshi bring
happiness to all the guys in the world! Except for that one that actually looks like a guy… but
hey, Venus! I just wanna let you know that we belong together!
From audience… Selphie Tilmitt: Oi! *slapping sound, followed by an 'oof' from Irvine*
Irvine: Geez, can't a guy have a bit of a flirt?
Usagi: *looks up as a cackling noise is heard* What the…?!
Jupiter: Here! Use this! *drops an absolutely huge object*
Mars: Jupiter?! Jupiter, what are you doing up on the roof?
Venus: Excellent, it's a rocket launcher!
Mercury: I'm not usually up for violence, but this is going to be fun.
Usagi: Wah-hoo! This is soooooooo cool!
From audience… Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 2): Guys, couldn't you make up your own storyline,
instead of borrowing from ours?
From somewhere in the realms of heaven… Fire Angel: Nup.
Narrator: OK everyone. I think we're getting a little off track. Let's get back to the fight,
shall we?
Venus: *shrugging and picking up the rocket launcher* Okay.
Narrator: No, that's not what I meant… no, that's not fair! Leave the harmless creatures alone!!
Usagi: Harmless? Mako's a ghost, who's quoting off of a survival horror Playstation game.
Harmless. No. Not harmless, mister happy. Not harmless at all.
Venus: *looking up at the commentators' box and shrugging* It's only got two rounds, anyway, so
it isn't gonna be much use. Two rounds… three Teletubbies, there'll still be one left. So which
one do I blow up first? Hmm… Lala, let's start with you. I'm the yellow one around here,
thankyou!
Narrator: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Usagi: And she fires… and she… MISSES?! *sweatdrop* Venus, you ditz! I didn't know you were so
much of an airhead! You absolute fool!
Venus: Umm… sorry. *hands the launcher sheepishly to Mars* There's still one round left… maybe we
can hit two Teletubbies with one stone, so to speak.
Usagi: *looking relieved* It looks like Mars-sama has a plan… she's smirking at Dipsy…
Narrator: What is going on?!
Mars: *smirking* Akuryo… TAISAN!
Usagi: *sweatdrop* Mars! That doesn't work, remember?! Oh… what's this? Oh my gosh, I forgot the
attack slows the tubby-tot down a little!
Mars: Game over, Dipsy.
Leon: Would you quit stealing my lines?! Seriously, man.
Narrator: They're killing the Teletubbies!! Kids! We have to do something!!!!
Usagi: WHAT?! There are kids flocking onto the arena. Isn't that against the rules? It's supposed
to be four against four! Hey, wait! The tub-tubs are running away! That means the Sailor Senshi
win!
Narrator: That is if they survive the onslaught of the children!!
Usagi: That's it! Since when did you start acting so mature anyway? We've won, so we're allowed
to cheat! Moon Eternal, Make Up!
Narrator: Hey!! But I can't do anything like that!! That's not fair!!!!!
Eternal Moon: And you think what you're doing is fair? Using kids to do your dirty work? I think
not! For love and justice, In place of the moon, I will punish you! I am Eternal Sailor Moon!
Mars: Woo-hoo! Go Sailor Moon! Aah! You little brat, stop biting my ankles!
Narrator: Aaahh!!! Mommy….
Eternal Moon: He heh… this is the bit I like best. Silver Moon Crystal Power…
Leon: Hmmph. That sounds like something I said once, too.
Narrator: What?! Silver Moon Crystal Power!? Boy, do you have some issues…
Eternal Moon: KISS!!!!!!!
Irvine: Yes, please! OWWWWW!!!!! Sefie, what was that for?
Selphie: Hmmph.
Mercury: As our current commentators seem to be busy, with Sailor Moon conducting a spell of
awesome magnitude, and that weird guy cowering in absolute horror, I am your new commentator.
Mizuno Ami! As Eternal Sailor Moon casts her attack, every single kid in the area explodes. Yuck.
There's blood everywhere. Sailor Moon, what happened? Usually they turn into dust!
Eternal Moon: Isn't it obvious how pissed off I am? So the attack was more powerful and exploded
the kids. I don't care. I've got blood all over my fuku, because Mister Happy exploded all over
me. Yuck! Is that his heart sitting on top of my odango?? Hey, where are Sailor Mars and Sailor
Venus?
Mars: *walking in with Venus* We just finished off the remaining Uglytubbies. They're dead now,
so suck it, kids!
Venus: *wailing* I got blood all through my hair! And my make-up's all smudged. I don't wanna do
this anymore!!!!
Irvine: Don't cry, babe! *runs down to the blood soaked arena and hugs her*
Venus: *winks and slips him her number*
Selphie: IRVINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jupiter: Geez, do you think you could keep it down a little? I've got a mega headache.
Mercury: Jupiter! You're dead!
Jupiter: No, I'm not. Did you think a mallet was gonna keep me down? If so, I've got news for
you, Mizuno.
Mercury: *blushing* You're right. I should have been able to analyse the situation and work it
out. *everyone gets a huge sweatdrop*
Eternal Moon: Well, minna-san, that's about it. The sailor senshi have rid the world from the
scum known as the Teletubbies. So until next time…
Mars: Hang on a mo, odango. Didn't you know that Tinky-Winky and Lala actually had children not
long ago?
Eternal Moon: *sweatdrop* Aah… no… I didn't realise that… but in that case, it looks like we'd
better keep moving.
Jupiter: Why? Where are we going?
Venus: *still wailing* I need a shower!!!! Waaaaahhhhhh!
Irvine: *dreamy look on his face* Let me know when you're having this shower okay, Venus-sama?
Maybe I'll join you.
Venus: *winks as Selphie slaps him*
Mercury: Where are we going, Sailor Moon?
Eternal Moon: Well… *smiles at Leon and gives the almighty peace sign* It's up to us to take out
the remaining Teletubbies. *heavy rock music starts, sounding suspiciously like the ending theme
to Resident Evil 2's 2nd scenario…*
Leon: GODAMMIT!!!!! You people do not give up! Would you please stop ripping on my game?!
PLEASE?!?!?!?!?!?!
Eternal Moon: *laughing* Well, as you can see, we have some important business to attend to. But
for now, ja mata!