The Broken Man
Author's note: While I was excited as a Hellhound on the hunt to see Cas back, and whooped like a maniac when he came back human, I was a little disturbed by his statements to Dean on the phone. While I personally don't believe that Cas only cares about Dean as long as Dean is useful, it strikes me that it might have come across that way to Dean. He is Mr. Emotional Insecurity, after all. So here's my take on how some of that might play out. This scene is set after Team Free Will chooses the groupings for its two-strike mission but before we see Cas talking to Bobby about being useless without his mojo. Enjoy, and please review to let me know what you think.
"I am coming with you to Chicago."
Dean sighed. Here we go again, he thought. Shutting the trunk of the Impala, he turned to face his former angel buddy. "Cas, we've been over this. You're going with Sam and Bobby to stop the vaccine. We need as many people as possible on the Croatoan mission. We can't let that crap get out on the street."
"Bobby and Sam can handle it. I am coming with you," he said firmly.
"Bobby can't walk, and Sam needs some back up with functional legs," Dean said, equally firm. "You're going with them."
"Sam can handle it."
"No, Cas. No one could handle that mission by themselves."
"You do not want me with you?" the de-powered angel demanded. "You'd rather go alone? Face Death alone?"
"I won't be alone. I'll have Crowley with me."
"A demon," Castiel spat. "You will trust a demon to watch your back?"
"Not as far as I can throw him, but he's not lying about the self-interest thing. It's his ass on the line, too. So, you go with Sam and Bobby. I'll be fine." Dean turned back to the car, trying desperately to focus on his preparations, but Castiel wasn't making that easy. Clamping a hand onto Dean's arm, he pulled him around to face him again.
"It is because I am human now," he said accusingly. "You no longer trust me to watch your back. You would rather trust a crossroad demon."
"No! Damn it, Cas. That isn't what this is about. You being human has nothing to do with it. I like humans, remember?"
"Did you make some sort of deal with Crowley?" Castiel demanded anxiously.
"What? Dude, Bobby's the one who sold his soul this time, not me!"
"Then why do you turn to him for help? He misled you about the Colt, and yet you are trusting him once again."
"He made a mistake. He thought the Colt would work. So did I. So did you."
"And yet he was conveniently not there when the Colt did not work! I was the one who pulled you and Sam out of Carthage. You needed me then. You need me now. My place in this is with you," he insisted, giving Dean a small shake.
"Why?" Dean asked softly. "Because you had the bad luck to be the one who pulled me out of Hell? Move on, Cas. It's not like you owe something. If anything, it should be the other way around. You know I can't ever repay you for that."
"You do not owe me anything. My place is with you because you are my friend."
"Am I? Somehow, I don't think so."
"Dean!"
Reaching up, Dean gently loosed Castiel's hold on his coat, but the defunct angel didn't step back. If anything, he moved closer. Dean rolled his eyes huffed tiredly. "Admit it, Cas. You never thought of me as a friend. I was the poor stupid son-of-a-bitch you had to pull out of The Pit. Then I was the Righteous Man you had to mold into a weapon again Lucifer. Then I became the guy who got you kicked out of Heaven. In no way does any of that equate to friend? I called you a hammer once, but you said you weren't one, and you were right. I'm the hammer. I'm a weapon and a tool and a pretty fucked up one at that, but I'm all you've had to work with, so you've made the best of it. I get it."
"Dean you are not just a weapon to me. You are my friend."
"Let it go, Cas," Dean all but growled as he moved to walk around the other man.
"You are angry with me?"
"I said, let it go."
"But Dean – "
"Damn it, Cas! What do you want from me?" Dean whirled back to face him. "I didn't say yes to Michael. I did what you and Sam and Bobby all wanted from me, just like I've always done. What more do you want from this broken, burnt out shell of a man?"
Castiel's eyes widened, and this time he did take a step back. "You are angry with me."
"I'm not angry," Dean said tiredly. "I'm… it doesn't fucking matter, Cas."
"Dean, I was wrong about you. I apologized. I don't know what more I can do to. This distance I feel between us, I don't know how to fix it."
"There's nothing to fix."
"You do not feel – "
"Oh, I feel it all right. I just don't see any point in trying to fix it. This is how it's always been for me. I only matter to people when I'm good enough, when I'm strong enough. In my family, being weak was the only unforgivable sin. I'm used to it. My father was never real big on the unquestioning support. You either met his standards and expectations in everything or you caught hell for it. It just took me a while to realize that you think of me the same way that he did, so no biggie."
"But I was wrong!"
"No, you weren't," Dean said, shaking his head. "I didn't say yes to Michael because I couldn't bear to let Sam down. I'd already let you down, and you'd gone off and gotten yourself killed because of it as far as I knew. Disappointing Sam and Bobby on top of that was more than I could handle. It wasn't about being strong, Cas. It was about being weak. If I were strong, I would have done what I knew was right and ended all of this. Getting to kill Zachariah was awesome, but it didn't change anything. We're all still fucked, and if the world ends it will be because of me. I am broken, and I am tired, and I am burned out. I'm everything you feared and nothing you wanted. You weren't wrong, so don't tell me we're friends. We're allies, and I'll see this through. I'm sorry I got you kicked out of the angel club, and I'll do whatever I can to help you if either of us actually manage to survive this bloody Apocalypse, but please stop pretending that you care about me as anything other than a way to flip Heaven the bird." Dean turned back to the car, placing his hands flat on the hood. He didn't need this. He freakin' didn't need this. Why couldn't –
"No, Dean, it is you who are wrong. I am your friend. I may no longer be an angel, but I am your friend and I will find a way to restore your faith in me." Dean didn't turn back around, but he heard footsteps moving away across the gravel of the yard. Great, he thought, a practically newborn human with the instincts of an angel and no mojo to back it up, and now he's on a mission. Freakin' fantastic. Yet some cold place inside the hunter was warmed by Castiel's promise. Maybe he wasn't just a hammer to Cas after all. Maybe they could work all this out… if Death didn't kill him first.
Weird life, man.