Hey, I'm back... its been a long hard year but i dont want any explaination now to get in the way with this story. Warning: mature themes. The T rating may only be temporary just to get it out there. It is an AU, but a realistic one, a possible one reflective of what it would be like had the early days of the gang had been different. This story is a must read. I'll get back to you soon. Please review. I'm back
xoxo Jules
LyricalChastity
Chapter 1: If we cannot see
If you look up life in the dictionary there seems to be a never ending inventory of meanings. Its weird to think about words, what they mean, what they don't. One person can call someone a bitch and get slapped in the face but when spoken to another the word could be understood an accolade. I am satisfied to say that there is very little that I am sure of in this word for what little I do know assures me that there are others who know far less. Honestly I find my self all too often regretting what I do know because it seems that none of it is good. The knowledge of this world doesn't let me rest easy at night, it doesn't restore any semblance of faith, and it does even less to instill any modicum of confidence in humanity.
What is it that do I know you ask?
Mental or emotional suffering or torment :
Pain
Pain is what I see when I look into Peytons eyes and know that she is afraid of what little she has getting taken away from her
Pain is what I see in Brooke every time that she strives to satisfy a man just to be justified.
Pain is what Nathan and Jake try to hide from the girls that silently depend on them so much.
Pain is what Haleys wrists visibly represent.
Pain is what I see in Rachels eyes when she looks in the mirror.
What else do I know?
to regard with doubt or suspicion; have no trust in:
distrust
Rachel was then unwanted product of a woman who once had been unwanted herself. To wake up everyday with the knowledge that you were nothing more than a mistake is much for a person to handle… even more for a defenseless little girl. As if the mere knowledge weren't enough she was constantly reminded by the verbal and physical assaults at the hands of her mother and grandmother. She was forced to live the burden of her own existence. Things like that undoubtedly shape you. As much as we don't acknowledge it, (for there is generally no need) we are all driven by our worth. But what happens when you believe that you have none? Do you therefore have no drive, or is the drive that you have directed elsewhere? Is it self destructive? Rachel would give her life for any of us. My hope is that one day she sees in herself what we all see in her. She is gorgeous and she means something. She has worth.
Nathans my brother. My twin. He and I have been through a lot. Nothing is good. Nothing I want to recall. I can still remember my dads hands clutching his neck. I still remember beating my defenseless fists on his back trying to get him to just let go! He wouldn't let go! … Its too much. I'll have to come back to it.
Then there is Peyton and Jake. They are two of a kind. They've stuck it out through thick and thin but now they're at a point where neither of them know what they want. Peyton is mad that Jake deals, Jake is mad that Peyton uses.
She rolls the bill
use peyton use
He stands in the alley
deal jake deal
She wipes her nose and settles into her ecstasy
use peyton use
He ducks out of the light and shoves the bills in his pocket
deal jake deal
they fight
they yell
he deals
she uses
she cries
cry Jenny cry
Jenny. The last thing that holds them together. The reason that they get up in the morning. The reason that the two of them just might make it. When Peyton got pregnant it took us all by surprise. It is disputed if Jenny had been drug exposed, but developmentally she is right on par. Jake is one of my best friends he is a good and honest guy that sincerely wants to make ends meet and do well by his daughter. Peyton is sweet and sensitive and beautiful … and angry… and unpredictable. But either of them without hesitation would give their own lives for that little girl. No questions asked.
Nobody really knows that much about Chris. He's from Maryland. Baltimore to be exact. He likes music. He likes girls. And like Peyton he likes cocaine. Skiing. White girl. Rocks. He likes it.
There was once a little girl who lived in a very big castle. She had servants and maid to tend to her every need. Although she had everything that she ever wanted she was trapped. Locked alone inside of her misery, her torment. Stolen from the childhood innocence of unicorns and fragile paper dolls at night she suffered. He snuck in through the shadows and took what he wanted. Over and over again he had her since her earliest memories. It was what she was good for. If she wouldn't give in she was denied. Denied food, denied company, denied the world. And so it went that the lone princess in the castle stayed blanketed by misery, humiliation, and perversion. Although she escaped if her white knight ever comes to save her he cannot undo what has been done. And so it goes the princess submits herself to degradation at the hands of men for only the glimpse of worth that she gets from a good . hard . fuck . This princess is known as Brooke. Brooke Davis.
Finally there is Haley James. The small girl with the big eyes. She wears scars this one wears wont go away. She wears them everyday everywhere so goes. Some are self inflicted provoked by memories that are too hard to deal with. Other scars, well their origin early in life is what provokes the memories. And thus the vicious cycle continues. She is scarred, but she loves wholly and fully this one. She is something special. She is my best friend.
We all share a small house in a run down part of Nevada right outside of Reno amidst the chaos of one another and a world that has swallowed us whole. I don't know how we all found each other, but I do know that we saved one another.
My name is Lucas Scott and I am eighteen years old. That's about it. I guess if I had lived as another person in another time in another place there would be more to say. I didn't, so now I can only tell you what I know. The truth, my truth may seem surreal, it may seem prompted by a never ending procession or tragedy and a satirical outlook of being that prompts the emergence of despair in my eyes… but at least its real.
So what does life mean? It seems the definitions offered by Webster are vague at first:
the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual
the course of existence or sum of experiences and actions that constitute a person's existence:
But do you know what really surprised me? They go on to define life as
resilience; elasticity
the force that makes or keeps something alive; the vivifying or quickening principle
Reading those words brings me an odd solace. Someone else defines life as we do- overcoming affliction and hopefully we'll pull through. And when we do we will be wiser for it and then hopefully when I can see the good in myself I can begin to see it in that around me.
Thanks for your time. I'm not a dork, i respect art, all kinds... so with that being said this is in the memory of Heath Ledger. Life is short, do what you love. He made me realize that, so yes, i'm back.
its almost like a disease