Goodbye again
Snow fell lightly from the sky, covering the ground in a fresh white blanket. The small flakes lit up brightly as they caught the light from the many lamps that illuminated the surroundings with a pale yellow glow that reflected off the white snow. The wind blew softly kicking up the snow and blowing it in wisps across the path Phoenix was walking along.
Taking a deep breath the cold air caught in his lungs, almost taking his breath away, letting the air out of his mouth he watched as the mist rose into the sky before being melted away by the cold. His boots crunched and squeaked loudly as the frozen rubber of the souls slid along the cold ground. It had only been a few minutes but already snow had started to gather on his shoulders and head contrasting sharply against his black somewhat messy hair.
Looking back he saw the Hazakura temple standing in the distance, its dark wooden frame contrasting with the endless white that surrounded it. Smoke rose out from the buildings filling the sharp air with the smell of burning wood, enticing his body with the promise of a warm fire soon to come.
It had been over two years since Phoenix had stepped foot here, and the memories of this place were just as strong as the day he had left. Looking into the sky he saw the stars shining down on him, resembling small diamonds stuck within a great black rock. This place he figured was where the heavens and the earth melted into one for a brief moment every night, not like the dull smog filled sky of the busy city that always hid the beauty of the night's wonders.
Stepping onto the wooden walkway he carefully made his way along the many sleeping quarters occupied by the young women who were in training to become shrine maidens. His shadow moved along the wall, changing and shifting as he approached the end of the lamp lights reach, and the last door.
Sighing deeply Phoenix looked the simple wooden door over carefully. Its weather worn wood was the only thing separating him now. Slowly lifting up his now cold hand he slid his fingertips along the rough wood. He never imagined that it would be this difficult.
People always say to move on you must leave the past behind you. But for him, it was someone from his past he needed to finally move on.
Looking down he noted a thin line of soft yellow light that spilled out from under the door, indicating that the person inside was not yet asleep. It seemed odd because it was well after one in the morning when he had headed out into the cold frozen darkness of the night.
Tapping lightly on the door he waited patiently, half of him wanting to run, the other wanted to pull the door open himself.
The door slid open a few inches so all he could see was the curious gaze of the resident inside. Even with this limited view Phoenix knew those dark brown eyes anywhere.
"Phoenix? What are you doing here so late?" Iris questioned opening the door enough to reveal her entire face. She was dressed in her white sleeping robe but still looked alert and far from planning on sleeping.
Stepping closer Phoenix looked down at her, "I had to see you before we left," he responded his voice hushed.
"You know men are not allowed in this area of the grounds," Iris replied trying to avoid his eyes.
Lowering his head slightly he nodded in response, "Yes I know."
Before he had a chance to continue his explanation for showing up in the middle of the night he was grabbed by his jacket collar and dragged into the small room.
"If someone sees you I don't know if you will be allowed back, plus its freezing outside," she grabbed his now very red hands trying to warm them with her small ones.
Iris directed him to the small heating stove that burned brightly filling the room with a warm glow. Placing his hands towards the heat he could slowly feel a tingling sensation fill his fingers as the heat melted away the chill from his hands and face.
"I have been trying for the past three days to talk to you, but Bikini always has some excuse as to why I can't see you. I think she is purposely trying to keep me away from you. Maya says I'm just overanalyzing things, while I think Pearl is secretly happy about it," Phoenix commented his eyes focused on the yellow and orange flames as they danced about the hot embers.
"That's because I did tell her to keep you away," Iris muttered back, her voice so soft it was almost lost amongst the howling wind outside.
Turning Phoenix saw she had her back turned to him, her eyes focused on the floor. Stepping closer to her he raised a hand and gently set it on her back. She flinched slightly from his touch but did not pull away.
"Why?" he sounded desperate, his voice a mixture of pain and confusion. She hated having to hear him sound so hurt; it seemed that all she did was cause him pain.
"Because after all that had happened I didn't want to face you again, I couldn't face you again. I thought it was better that way," her voice remained strong but she didn't trust it to say more.
Phoenix guided her so she was again facing him. Her gaze quickly diverted to the corner of the room deciding it would be easier then to look at the hurt in his eyes. But soon enough she found her eyes looking into his blue ones, and just as fast she was lost in them.
"I don't care about all that. I forgave you the second I knew what had happened. And I wish you could do the same for yourself," his voice was soft now and held the tone of the man he had now become, strong and caring.
All she could do was stare back, her voice was gone and words seemed to evade her mind. Her body felt numb and lost, as if all the feeling had vanished. All she felt was the warmth of tears sliding down her cheek.
His heart sank, he hated seeing her like this, and what was worse was he had caused it. Maybe she was right; maybe it would have been better for them to remain apart. To keep the past hidden away.
Wrapping his arms around her protectively he pulled her close, his hands bunching in the thick fabric of her clothing as her head rested against his chest. Looking down he remembered when he could rest his chin on top of her head but he had grown since the last time he had held her like this. Instead he reached up and let his fingers entangle in her silky night-like tresses, enjoying the feel of her soft hair against his hand once again. She relaxed against him and let her face rest on the soft fabric of his coat, he still smelt as wonderful as she remembered. Never would she forget his sent, it was a smell that caused shivers to run along her body in remembered pleasure.
"Things would be so much easier if we had never met and were just strangers" Iris spoke softly, her face now hidden in his jacket so he could not see the tears welling in her eyes.
"Then I would just have to hold you like this until we weren't strangers anymore," Phoenix replied, his hand continuing to stroke her hair his eyes now closed as he tried to block out everything else around him but the feel of her body against his . How he missed the feel of her hair in his hands, the feel of her touch and the sight of her smile.
"Tell me who you see when you look into my eyes," she asked, suddenly pulling away to look up at him. She had to know what he thought of her, good or bad she as ready to face it.
Staring back at her with questioning eyes at the sudden change in mood he took hold of her hands, "I see the girl I fell for all those years ago, and the woman that I still love."
"How can you say that after all I did to you?" she studied his face carefully, he was still that boy she remembered, it was the man in him now that had changed.
Smiling back at her he brushed his hand against her cheek, "I never believed you were a bad person Iris. You just got caught up in a bad situation. I could never hate you for that."
"Is that why you wanted to see me so badly? To tell me that?" she questioned already knowing that he did not risk sneaking out to see her for such a trivial conversation.
"No, I wanted to see if the two of us could start off where it all ended. A second chance," he looked down at her, his face still held that boy-like quality she remembered from long ago, but his eyes gave away the true nature of all he had see in his life.
She let out the breath she didn't even know she was holding. He looked so hopeful right now, his blue eyes shining in the dull light of the dying fire, while shadows danced across his handsome face.
"This place is my home, and I have made a promise to Bikini that I would continue my training. I couldn't just abandon all that I have here, it wouldn't be fair. And as a shrine maiden I am forbidden to marry or even be with a man." She was now looking away, knowing that she had once again hurt him. She wanted to be with him, heedlessly; impossibly she wanted to stand by his side forever. She loved him like that. "Every time we were together all I caused you was trouble and hurt. I can't see that happen once more."
"So its goodbye again," he replied his voice low and devoid of emotion, as if it had been chilled by the cold outside. Deep down he had know that it was way past time to start over, that he was just grabbing at smoke hoping to hold something real in his hands.
"Yes, as much as I wish it wasn't," her voice wavered slightly, "But I can leave you with this to remember me by," she stood up and kissed him gently on the lips.
He responded immediately moving his mouth against hers. It had been years since he had tasted her lips like this but it only took him seconds for memories and feelings of her to rush back into his mind.
Phoenix deepened the kiss running his tongue along her lips; she almost pulled back at his sudden boldness but opened her mouth to allow him to explore her. Her hands slowly wrapped around his neck pulling him closer, just as his warm hand moved under her chin so he had better access to her. It had been nine years since she last felt his touch, never did she think she still craved it like she was right now. Moaning softly into his mouth he took that as a signal to continue, his mind now becoming clouded over with lust.
Kissing a trail down her chin he found that one spot on her neck that always caused her to suck in a sharp breath, leaving goose bumps down her body. As his lips developed to a firmer pressure melting against her skin like wax to a flame her hands dug deeper into his spiky black hair as her eyes fluttered closed. Her inhibitions faltered shakily, as if they had been nothing but fragile leaves in the chill winter breeze as he continued to maraud her neck.
When his hands moved to undo her sleeping robe she made no protest, this was a clear invitation to him and he took it willingly. She knew full well that this sort of behavior was frowned upon by the rules of the temple, but this night the only witness of their actions would be the wind, and the darkness of the night.
As he continued to kiss along her neck and now exposed shoulders her small hands moved to undo the clasps of his coat, pulling it off his body it fell to the floor in a heap, along with her now unwanted sleeping robe. Running hers hands over his chest she could feel his heart beating, drumming wildly against his ribs. Her hands continued to explore his body, delicate fingers trailing up his chest and over his strong shoulders, sending chills down his body and a shuttered breath to leave his mouth.
Laying her down on her sleeping mat Phoenix saw a shiver run down her skin as the cold air rushed past her now exposed body. Running his hand up her leg while the other rested next to her head his body gently weighed hers down into the soft blankets. Both gasped slightly at the wonderful feeling of the others body, and the warmth it brought.
His face now only mere inches away from hers was partially covered in shadows but she could still feel his gaze, his normally calm eyes now filled with desire so strong she could sense it radiating from him. The sound of his heavy breathing filled the space between them, his body fighting to remain in control.
His warm breath ran over her ear as he leaned closer to her, "Are you sure about this?" his voice was soft but held that seductive tone that would be reserved only for her.
"More then anything," she replied kissing him softly when he attempted to speak again.
Running a slender nail down his face and jaw she remembered the last time he had looked at her that way. It was a week before everything had gone wrong. They had made love in his small crowded room, both fumbling to make contact, desperately trying to keep silent as his roommate slept in the room next-door. That was the last time she had been truly happy, falling asleep next to him on his small single bed she managed to forget all that was happening in her life.
His hot mouth moved down her chest, making sure to explore every part of her body before slowly kissing a trail back to her face. His pace was deliciously slow; by the time he again reached her mouth she could already taste him before his lips had even touched hers. As she lay there biting her lower lip to remain silent she thought how ironic it was that they were almost in the same situation as the last time they had made love.
His mouth and hands moved over her body with a confidence that he had lacked when they were younger, causing her to gasp in surprise and pleasure. Despite the now cold air that filled the room a fine sheen of sweat covered both their bodies as they moved together, each selfishly taking as much as they could from the other, knowing that this was the last time they would be together.
For a time Iris was able to match his pace, she moaned feverishly feeling as if she was on the brink of pure ecstasy, moving together with him in a dance that was older then time. Slowly she could feel her heart and breathing speed up drastically letting her know that her body was near its limit.
Letting him take her completely she closed her eyes her head rolling back against the pillow as Phoenix continued to make love to her, even after all these years apart she trusted him more then anyone in the world. As his pace quickened further she leaned forward; a faint moan trickled off her lips, landing deliciously close to his ear.
Trying to suppress another moan so that she wouldn't wake the others, Iris buried her face into Phoenix's chest. She could feel his heart beating wildly against her cheek; she clasped onto his shoulders her hands slipping slightly due to their sweat covered bodies.
His breathing became uneven as his muscles started to clench up in preparation, arms shook as his hands dug into the sheets in an attempt to suppress the moan he could feel forming in his chest. With one final thrust his body shuddered, moaning his bliss in the shape of her name.
She almost wanted to cry finally hearing her name leave his lips in this moment of passion; so many times she had to listen to the name of her sister being whispered in her ear late at night.
Letting out a breath of air he had been holding in, he slowly let himself sink down onto her chest. His body was shaking with exhaustion as well as for the mountain air now cooling down their bodies. Running her hands down the expanse of his strong shoulders and back she didn't dare speak a word dreading that it would ruin this one perfect moment.
When he shrugged his heavy jacket back on he turned to face her, he wanted to pour out his heart to her, but nothing would be appropriate in this situation, nothing they said or did right now would make things easier. The longer he looked at her a little more of him died inside, knowing it was finally goodbye.
As she wrapped her arms around his neck she thought how fleeting happiness can become, how ruthless time truly was. Leaning down he kissed her gently what seemed like for the last time, and sadly knew it most likely would be. The kiss ended too soon and she found it hard to let go. For a brief second their eyes intertwined, both trying their best to hide the tears that would eventually come. Even standing inches apart it felt as if all the heavens were between them.
She watched as he left, his figure slowly being swallowed up by the cold darkness of the shadows. The snow had stopped falling, but the wind still howled a mournful cry, whipping her sleeping robe about.
When the glow of morning colored the horizon she knew he would be gone, back to his life, and each day would come and go, rise and fall like the leaving of breath, but she knew the memory of this night would forever be remembered.
Saying goodbye is the easy part it's moving on that's hard, and sometimes there is no moving on, loss just becomes apart of you.