The Diary of Miss Simplicity Battleaxe

Translator's Note

I found the diary of a Miss Simplicity Battleaxe among my sister Sarah's belongings. My sister has collected a variety of unusual items relevant to the Goblin Kingdom, and after her mysterious disappearance twelve years ago, this with other assorted papers and relics came into my possession. Since I have started university I have devoted extensive time and energy to learning more about these objects, and have succeeded in translating the diary of the aforementioned lady from the original Dwarfish into English. The text provides a detailed and vivid portrayal of life in the royal house of the Goblin City, as Miss Battleaxe clearly had a knack for storytelling.

I sincerely hope that you, insightful reader, enjoy these transcripts.

Toby Williams

January 2007

Note for the Second Edition: as of 2010, the manuscript is being revised for errors of spelling and grammar. Inaccurate and misleading translations have been corrected, and it is my sincere wish this results in a happier reading experience. Enjoy.


HANDS AND CLAWS OFF (ESPECIALLY YOU CLARITY!)

1st Jansplur (January)

A new year, and I am embarking on a new life! Today I leave home for the first time, venture beyond the dwarf kingdom, to take on the role of nurse to the youngest child of the Goblin King, Prince Jareth. His parents have apparently had trouble controlling the mite (for he is but four years of age) and have seen off a procession of a no less than a hundred and twenty-seven nurses for the child! It is claimed by gossips that he tormented them mercilessly, shot at them with his toy cannon, pulled at their hair, bit them, and kicked them in the shins. Each woman left claiming him to be the spawn of the devil. Despite all this, I rest assured in the knowledge that they are exaggerating the child's naughtiness. My mother (may the almighty Scrabble preserve her bountiful soul) told me that even the most wicked of children could be tamed by a work hardened Dwarven hand, and I am sure to discipline the child more effectively than my predecessor. I even heard some of them were Elves! Have mercy on the children, dear Lord Scrabble! Elves, imagine it - such feeble minded wantons!

I bring with me little in the form of material possessions; this diary, a few diverting novels, a necklace conferred to me upon the passing of my mother (may the almighty Scrabble preserve her bountiful soul), a Dwarven almanac, a sharp edged belt, undergarments, my best Sunday dress, day clothes and a leather bag in which to hold all of the aforementioned possessions. I hope to purchase more commodities upon arrival; I have been informed the Goblins hold a market every new moon cycle, so there will be many opportunities for spending my wages.

It is a long journey from home to the Goblin City. I have been travelling since the night of Scrabbleday now. Oh happy day! The last time I will be in the company of my dear, aged father and twenty-seven siblings for a long while. I must briefly elaborate on Scrabbleday. It is such a wonderful holiday, we wake at dawn and exchange gifts (berries from the forest, pressed flowers) in the comfort of the parlour, before eating a hearty roast and making merry in the afternoon. I feel immense sadness at having to leave all behind, but trust in Constance and Clarity to take good care of all at home.

We are currently riding alongside the Labyrinth itself - the centrepiece of the kingdom I am here to serve. It is an awesome structure, stretching out for miles. It is formed of a variety of components, a labyrinth of stone, a hedge maze, and several dark, skeletal woods being among them. One can only feel pity for those who have to run its walls; it must be an utterly frightful experience. I shall have to find time in which to write to Clarity and tell her of my journey, her reading is coming along nicely - she is now able to comprehend simple language. Who knows? Maybe when she is fully grown she will be rewarded with a station as illustrious as my own. I do hope so, father would be so grateful for more money.

I am writing here as it is a good practise, for writing encourages sharpness of mind and soul alike. Unfortunately my circumstances do not allow for exemplary calligraphy, as the carriage is exceedingly bumpy and the driver appears to be inebriated. The horses themselves are little better, frail, wheezing sacks of bone. I do hope they stay alive until we reach my destination. Thankfully, I have been informed we will be arriving early in the morrow – only a few hours remain!

Good night, oh precious pages! Tomorrow I shall visit you again!

2nd Jansplur

Today has been gloriously eventful! I arrived in the morn, at around eight, and was informed by the sentry I would need to wait in the throne room, where I would be introduced to the Royal family. It is a most squalid place, an ugly, stone throne hung with decaying cloth is the centrepiece of the room and the floor is strewn with hay, as if it were a lowly barn! Dozens of Goblins crowded the place, chasing chickens and making general mischief - one of the devils tried to creep underneath my skirts (thankfully, I realized his plan and chased him away before he could succeed, the devil!)

After a wait of around an hour, the Royal family began to filter into the room. I will describe each in turn, the king himself is an imposing figure, threatening, with a cold, dispassionate voice and a melancholy disposition. He viewed me with a brief look of intense disinterest, and spent most of the meeting taunting some of his subjects. I doubt we are to be friends. His wife is an entirely different matter; she is somewhat chubby with a pinched but smiling face. She looked exceptionally tired, but which woman would be in full sprits after giving life to fourteen babes? She looks to be a most agreeable mistress, and welcomed me warmly with little suggestion of distance or division. The elder boy, the Crown Prince Lasander, is clearly sickly. I assume he is around fifteen years of age, but he looked so pale and feeble he could have been any age between nine thousand and eleven. He did not speak with me. Lasander was followed into a room by his twelve sisters, pretty girls ranging in age from nineteen to six. I was told their names, but instantly forgot them. All had similar features; blonde curling hair (like their mother's), brilliant blue eyes and pale, delicate faces. Their natural similarities were accentuated by their identical dresses, all blue with white ribbons tied tightly across the middle. The older girls looked slightly distressed by their clothing, and the eldest of them all glared at the bow around her waist with a look of utter disdain. They were a morose band, clearly repulsed by the state of their father's castle and anxious to return to their rooms, no doubt. Jareth himself had entered with his mother, and she clung adamantly to his little hand. In his shyness, he spent most of our first meeting with his head burrowed deep in the folds of his mother's dress. From the few looks I snatched of his face, he is an exceptionally pretty child. He has an abundance of wispy fair hair, lovely elfin features and was even dressed in skirts like a wee girly! His mother clearly dotes on him, and spent most of the introduction with her free hand absently toying with his hair.

I was informed by the Queen that I will inhabit a room adjoining that of the child, so as to be at hand for him at all hours of the night or day (apparently he has a tendency to wake up at odd times throughout the night, complaining of nightmarish visions). It was only when left alone with the child in his chambers that he started to show indications of his true nature. Whilst unpacking my belongings, the child took it upon himself to rifle through my bag the moment my back was turned! He even flipped through the pages of this very diary, addressing me to say "Oi, slave, what strange text be this?" Thankfully, he only knows Goblinian and was unable to make out a single word. Nonetheless he received a clip behind the ear and a good scolding. I take no such insolence, and did not fret over him when he began to whimper and whine. He is not my babe, and he must learn I do not possess the lenience of his mother.

When he eventually realized I was deaf to his cries, his sobs were reduced to silence and he wandered off to play with his toys. The child has no routine, and is hopelessly over indulged. He has a chamber that is full of toys and trinkets! The centrepiece of the room is a vast scale model of the Labyrinth itself, and it was this wonder than he played with upon entering the room. He navigated a tiny, onyx figure through its many twists and turns, staring intently at the maze as he considered where to go next. He is attentive and sharp, understanding the complexities of the structure with a great maturity for one so small. I was pleased by his thoughtfulness, and aptitude for contemplation. Sadly that is only one side to his character, it is more normal for him to descend into mad fits of rage. A sizeable corner of his toy-room was devoted to the remains of destroyed playthings, headless dolls, torn pages of storybooks and cracked statues. It is my duty to ensure that this behaviour is discontinued, and that he becomes a good and pleasant child. It will undoubtedly be hard work, but I am sure there can be no greater satisfaction for a Nurse than seeing an errant charge become a good, considerate prince.

As he contented himself with his trifles, I did some sewing to occupy my hands (Constance desperately needs some new mittens) before taking my supper in the kitchens with the guards – they are a dreadfully ill-mannered bunch, not one of them spoke! I was relieved when it was time to put the little one to sleep, and rest my own head upon fresh, clean linen. Tomorrow the real challenge will begin – it will be time to give Jareth that most dreaded of things, a schedule!

A/N: this chapter was completely revised on the 10/02/10. This story was originally written as a prequel of sorts to another story I started years ago called Life Before Sarah? It is not necessary to read it to understand what's going on here.

Please review, I'd love to know what you think!