I was listening to my iPod the other day and this song came on. I was like, "Whoa! I could totally write a RenjiRukia fic from this!" So…dun duh-dun dun! Here we go!
Rated T for some emo-ish-ness.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or the Avril Lavigne song.
Thoughts in italics
"Speaking in quotation marks"
Song lyrics in bold italics
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Something just isn't right
I can feel it inside
The truth isn't far behind me
You can't deny
When I turn the lights out
When I close my eyes
Reality overcomes me
I'm living a lie
I had no idea how long I had been laying there, staring at the ceiling. The night was dark, and I had nothing to do but think. When the darkness started to hurt my eyes, I shut them and intently looked at the inside of my eyelids for a while. It didn't help. I still couldn't sleep.
Through all that thinking, I came to the conclusion that I could no longer convince myself to leave her behind. I knew she was going to die – that much was clear, but why on Earth did I think that I could just forget? After how long we'd been friends? I couldn't do it. I couldn't forget her.
After I became a lieutenant for Byakuya Kuchiki, I thought I could concentrate on just that. Rukia was my captain's sister, and I still could not escape her hold on my heart.
I was only kidding myself to think I could simply forget the friendship we shared in Rukongai. What a joke.
When I'm alone
I feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel…
Together
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we've built a wall
Together
Holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall
There in my isolated bedroom, I felt perfectly fine. I had a normal temperature to my skin and was comfortable enough. But, earlier that day, when I had delivered a message to Rukia in her cell, I had felt an odd heat creep up my neck and onto my face. I had suddenly become uncomfortable in my loose soul reaper clothes. I looked at her blank, emotionless face and felt my heart jump out of my chest. My voice sounded unusual as I told her how many days until her death.
Back in my room, I sighed and thought She's built me up. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be where I am today…still… "I can't let her go," I said aloud.
This has gone on so long
I realize that I need
Something good to rely on
Something for me
Maybe I should stop trying to forget her, and start to…want to remember her. It sure would make it a lot easier to sleep I thought as I rolled over onto my side. I needed to want her, I realized that night. Wanting Rukia would be the only thing holding me together. So I started wanting her, and wanting to save her from her undeserved demise. Or maybe I just wanted to see her…to tell her…before she met that doom.
When I'm alone
I feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel…
Together
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we've built a wall
Together
Holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall
I got up and slipped into my normal outfit. Deciding to leave my Zhanbatou behind, I crept outside into the night. It took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they did I headed in the direction of the building where Rukia's cell was. I was sure she'd be awake at this hour…sure of it.
I entered the building and went straight to her cell. Holding one of the steel bars on the door, the unusual heat found its way up my neck and I could feel my face burning. My heart began to beat faster as I said, "Rukia?"
When only silence answered I asked quieter, "Are you awake?"
"Yes."
I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. Why do I begin to break whenever I'm near her? I wondered.
"Why did you come?" I heard her ask through the black emptiness that stood between us.
My hands tightened around the bar. I had no answer. I had just realized I needed to see her and left – without a thought, without a word of reasoning. "I just…I have something to tell you."
I could tell she was waiting. "Well? What is it, Renji?"
I couldn't bring myself to say it to her. What if she didn't accept me? What if our whole friendship got turned around because of my own selfish desire? I just couldn't say those three forbidding words.
"Renji?" Rukia had emerged from the shadows and I could clearly see her delicate features illuminated by the thin ray of moonlight the tiny window allowed. God, she was beautiful. She lifted her arm and rested her hands on mine on the metal bars. "What are you trying to tell me?"
I gazed into her brilliantly dark eyes and sighed. "Rukia I…"
She brought her face closer to the openings between the bars. "You what? Tell me."
I exhaled deeply and told her, "I think I…love you."
Rukia withdrew her hands and turned her back to me. I felt saddened by the absence of her warm, soft hands on my large, rough ones.
"You choose now to tell me this?!" She sounded angry. "Now as I am condemned to die?" Rukia spun around, and I noticed tears in her eyes and streaming down her lovely cheeks. "Why now?"
My grip on the bars intensified even more as I replied, "What was I supposed to do, Rukia?! I didn't even realize it until just tonight! I knew that was why I was always thinking about you, and I just…need you."
"For what?! To get on my brother's good side, or so I can be your pleasingly pretty plaything?!" she screamed at me.
My hand loosened on the bars and dropped to my side. "N-no…I would never use you like that…"
"Why not?! That's what any other man here would want from me!"
"Then I'm not like them. I want you because you are wonderful. When I'm around you I feel things I didn't even know I could."
Rukia offered no reply, just stared at me. It felt as if she was looking right through me. When the silence became too much to bear, I broke it with, "Why do I start to fall apart whenever you come around?"
She glared at me and spat out, "Just leave. Don't come here again."
I slowly turned around and walked out of the building, a hollow aching in my chest paining me along the way. She was so…cold. Rukia has changed…a lot…
I went back into my lonely house and into the empty bedroom to lie down and try to sleep. Again, I found myself staring into the darkness, thinking of her.
My heart is broken
I'm lying here
My thoughts choking
On you my dear
On you my dear
On you my dear…
What made her like that? She hasn't always been so cold…That's not the Rukia I remember. As I thought of her, another pang in my chest caused me to sit up and clutch the spot. My heart…is it broken? I've been in pain before, but nothing like this.
I got out of bed and wandered into my tiny, cramped kitchen. Grabbing a small knife, I thought I have to find some way to ease this pain…
I pressed the sharp blade against the vulnerable skin on my wrist and watched the flesh tear apart and release a few drops of blood. The crimson liquid trickled down my arm as I set the knife back on the counter, dissatisfied. It hardly numbs the pain…I wonder if anything will. Even though I'm not near her, I'm still falling apart.
When I'm alone
I feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel…
Together
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we've built a wall
Together
Holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall
Together
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we've built a wall
Together
Holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall
The hollow feeling in my chest increased when I gazed out my window. I had a perfect view of the Sixth Division's holding cell, and it only made me think of her more. I'll always love her…even after she's gone. Even if she doesn't want me to, I'll proudly stand beside her in her last moments…maybe then she'll let me love her…and maybe even love me back…
When I'm around you
When I'm around you
I don't feel together
I don't feel together
When I'm around you (Together)
When I'm around you (Together)
I don't feel together, no (Together)
I don't feel together
I pressed my hand against the glass of the window and sighed. Even after you die, Rukia, you'll always be close to me in my heart…and I'll never feel together…