Comical Narnia

by Tirlalaith FantasyComedian

The untold and recently discovered manuscript from the catacombs beneath C.S Lewis's home. A script that had been written by Lewis and a teenage boy called Tirlalaith. This manuscript was ACTUALLY destined, by Lewis, to be made into a movie. See here.

Disclaimer: All characters are the creations of Clives Staples Lewis, and any misrepresentation of those characters is here made solely for laughs. All credit is given to C.S. Lewis, whom I hail as one of the greatest writers of all time.

COMICAL NARNIA~ The Pevensie Quest

BY FANTASYCOMEDIAN

(German planes fly over Finchley and bomb are bombing all over the place.)

German pilot 1: Get ready to drob ze bombs.

German co-pilot 1: But sir? The possibilities of dropping a bomb are 3,720 to 1.

German pilot 1: Never tell me the odds. Just drop the bomb you ape.

German co-pilot 1: But Hitler said I was the highest of nature's species.

German pilot 1: Shut up!

(The co-pilot immedaitly obeys and flicks down a a switch. The switch then opens the parashoot hatch. The pilot starts cursing.)

German pilot: Close the stupid door!

(The dumb co-pilot closes it and flicks down the right switch. All the bombs drop and start exploding when they hit the ground. Meanwhile the Pevensie family are having problems of their own. Edmund stares out of the window.)

Helen: Edmund! Get away from there!

(The Pevensie's mom pulls Edmund away from the window. Peter shows up.)

Helen: (*grabs Edmund by the shoulders*) What do you think you're doing? (*looks at Peter*) Get them to the shelter now!

(Peter pulls Edmund along with him to the shelter. Susan gets Lucy. Lucy cries. And Edmund remembers something.)

Edmund: Wait! Dad!

Peter: Come back!

(Peter runs after Edmund who is running back to their house.)

Helen: Peter come back!

Peter: Don't worry. I'll get him. Besides I forgot my twinkies.

(Edmund enters into his home and gets his father's picture while Peter pushes Edmund down.)

Peter: Get down!

Edmund: Oww! Not to hard...

(The windows explode and pieces of glass start falling down on both of them. Peter pulls Edmund along with him again while Edmund grabs his picture.)

Peter: Come on you idiot!

(Peter pulls Edmund into the kitchen and quickly grabs a box of twinkies before running outside. They reach the shelter while Edmund slumps to the ground.)

Peter: You're so selfish! How can you be so selfish? You could have got us killed!

Helen: Stop it!

(Their mom comforts Edmund.)

Peter: Why can't you do as you're told?

Edmund: Easy! That's being selfish!

(Peter doesn't want to here any more of it and closes the door to the shelter.)

(The next day...)

(The Pevensie family are at the train station and Helen their mom is trying to put Lucy's tag on.)

Helen: Are you warm enough dear?

(Lucy nods.)

Helen: Good girl.

(Lucy's tag falls off.)

Helen: Oops.

(Helen puts it back on her but it falls off. She then asks anybody if anybody has any duck-tape. Anybody near that hears her shake their heads. Edmund slightly smiles mischievously.)

Edmund: Here. This will help.

(Edmund pulls out super-glue and puts it all over Lucy's clothes and then sticks the tag on.)

Lucy: Mom!

Peter: Ed!

(Helen turns and sees Lucy's condition and gives Edmund a look of rebuke. But Peter glares at Edmund.)

Helen: Don't do that Edmund!

(Their mom grabs Edmund's super-glue container and throws it in the trashcan. Edmund goes sullen again.)

Edmund: If dad were here he wouldn't make us go!

Peter: If dad were here then that would mean that the war was over and we wouldn't have to eat these.

(Peter holds out a twinkie wrapped in it's package. Edmund smiles.)

Edmund: Thanks!

(Edmund grabs twinkie out of Peter's hand and stuffs it in his mouth.)

Helen: You will listen to your brother won't you Edmund?

Edmund speaks with his mouth full: Oh yes. Don't worry.

(Helen grabs Edmund's head softly and is about to kiss him. Edmund sticks out his lips that are caked with twinkie cream in a kiss form. Instead of kissing him Helen slaps Edmund on the cheek. Edmund's smile quickly goes away and he places his hand on the slaped cheek.)

Helen: Now...off you go.

(The Pevensies get past the ticket line and go on the train. Helen goes towards them and waves.)

Helen: Goodbye dears.

Peter, Susan, & Lucy: Goodbye mom. Will miss you.

(Edmund tries to squeeze his head between them but can't. He then pushes Lucy out of the way and sticks his head out. He only waves and his body flips over the window sill and he almost falls out of the train but Peter pulls him back in. After some long boring hours they reach a tiny station where they expect to meet the "professor". They hear a car coming and run down eagerly but the car passe's them.)

Susan: I'm sure the professor knew we were coming.

Edmund: Perhaps we've been incorrectly labeled.

Peter: Probably not.

Edmund: Or maybe the professor got raptured.

(Peter rolls his eyes.)

(The Pevensie's hear a whip crack and a wagon pull up.)

Edmund: Oh man. I wish that a limo was going to pick us up. Not this...

Peter whispers: Shut up!

(The four look up to see what they guess is Mr. Mecready.)

Peter: Ms. Mecready?

Mecready: I'm afraid so.

Edmund: No your not. You're...

(Susan covers Edmund's mouth. And slightly smiles.)

Mecready: Well is this it then? Haven't you brought anything else?

Peter: No mum. It's just us.

Edmund: And our bags and carcasses.

Peter: Shut up.

(Peter grabs Edmund's ear and then lets go.)

Mecready: Small favors.

Susan: So we ain't worth anything to you?

(Mecready motions for them to get in and they do. They reach the house in good order and enter it.)

Mecready: Professer Kirk is not acustomed to having children.

Edmund mumbles: Tell me about it.

Edmund whispers to Peter: He probably doesn't have a custom to be accustomed to.

(Peter smiles at Edmund's joke.)

Mecready: And as for that, there'll be a few rules to abide by.

(Ms. Mecready turns to them.)

Mecready: There'll be no shouting. Or running. Nor chewing bubble-gum. No improper use of the dumb waiter...

(Susan is about to touch some twisted metal that has paint splattered all over it; which is labeled as "art".)

Mecready: NO! Do not touch any of the historical artifacts!

(Edmund and Peter then laugh silently. Susan sulks a little.)

Mecready: And above all...there'll be no disturbin of me.

(A voice from a closed door omits.)

Digory Kirk: AND ME!

Mecready: Sorry professor. And there'll be no disturbin of the professor.

(The Pevensies are asigned to their rooms and then given dinner. After that the younger Pevensies go to bed early. Peter listens to the radio but Susan later on turns it off.)

Lucy: These sheets feel scratchy.

Susan: Don't worry Lu. Wars don't last forever. We'll be back home before you know it.

Edmund: Yeah. If home's still there.

Susan: Shouldn't you be gettin to bed.

Edmund pretends to think thoughtfully: I don't think so. I think you're the one that should be getting in bed. You're still too young to stay up.

Peter: Ed!

(Peter turns to Lucy.)

Peter: You saw outside. This place is huge. We can do whatever we want here.

(Edmund mouths and mimicks Peter's words in a mocking way.)

Edmund: We can? Great! I'll go sneak some marawana into the professor's…

Peter: Tomorrow is going to be great.

(Lucy sulks.)

Peter: Really.

(The next day...)

(The day is rainy and pouring. And the Pevensie's can't go outside to play. Lucy sits by a window to watch the rain while Peter listens to Susan tell wierd words. Edmund listens while he writes on a chair.)

Susan: .

(Edmund looks up and sighs. He continues writing.)

Susan: Come on Peter. .

Peter: Is it Poppins?

Susan: Yes.

Edmund: Is it Poppins for worst game ever invented?

(Susan glares at Edmund. Lucy then has an idea and comes from the window.)

Lucy: We could play hide-and-seek.

Peter: But we're already having so much fun.

(Susan glares at Peter and slams the book shut. Lucy grabs Peter's arm.)

Lucy: Come on Peter please. Pretty please?

Peter: One, two, three, four...

Edmund: What?

(Susan sighs. The three go scuttle off to find a place to hide. Susan gets a hiding place quick including Edmund. Lucy quickly goes to try and hide in a room and unlatches a door and goes in. Lucy sees before her a big rectangular thing covered in a white covering. She slowly closes the door and slowly walks toward the covered object. She pulls the blanket. And as it falls down; before her is a big refrigerator. 7 foot high by 4 feet wide. Lucy smiles and opens it. Out falls some chili dogs and twinkies. She bothers them and looks behind herself. She then closes the door mostly, knowing that it is very stupid to shut a refrigerator door fully on yourself. She pushes down a switch to the side and light from the inside top of the refrigerator pours in to reveal no shelves but hooks on the top. The hooks hold some clothes-hangers and on the clothes-hangers are rain and radiation jackets. She pushes through thems, while walking backwards and touches something cold. She gasps and then looks behind herself to see a cold, snowy forest. She smiles in surprise and walks through it until she comes to a eletrice lamp stand. She gazes at it in curiosity until she hears a scuttle of wierd noises. She turns around this way and that to see where the noise was coming from. She then turns to see a wierd creature in front of her.)

Lucy: !

Tumnus: !

(Tumnus hits a tree and falls down on his back; throwing the stuff he was carrying in different directions accidentally. he then gets up quickly and goes behind a thick tree. While Lucy "hides" behind a one inch eletrice lampstand. The two hide behind their objects and give quick glances at each other. Lucy plucks up courage and grabs a package wrapped with Birthday Wrapping Paper. Tumnus looks and plucks a little courage.)

Tumnus: Ah. Well...I...

(Lucy holds out a package.)

Lucy: Were you hiding from me?

(Tumnus stutters-talking while he picks up two bottles of Buddumber (not Budweiser. It don't make you wiser) and a whole package of cigarettes that are labeled, "Tashbane's Finest. And then he reaches down and picks up some car keys.)

Tumnus: Why no. Well...I...I just...I just...I just didn't want to scare you.

Lucy: If you don't mind my asking...What are you?

Tumnus: Well I'm...I'm a faun. And what about you? Are you some beardless Urgal that has cut of his horns?

Lucy: What's an urgal?

Tumnus: Sorry. I meant to ask you if...You are some type of beardless dwarf?

Lucy: I'm not a dwarf. I'm a girl. And I'm actually the tallest one in my class.

Tumnus: Your half as short as half of them, and half as
tall as twice of them?

Lucy: What?

Tumnus: Sorry. But you're meaning to tell me you're a daughter of Morn.

Lucy: Well my mother's name is Helen.

Tumnus: Yes. But you're meaning to tell me that you're in fact...human?

Lucy: Yes.

Tumnus: What are you doing here?

Lucy: Well I was hiding in a refrigerator in a spare room...

Tumnus: Spare doom? Is that in Narnia?

Lucy: Narnia? What's that?

Tumnus: Why...why my dear girl you're in it. All the land that lies between the electric lamp stand to Cair Paravel on the eastern shore. Every tree and icicle...is Narnia.

Lucy talks to herself: This is a really big refrigerator.

Tumnus: Refrigerator? Sorry...allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tumnus.

Lucy: Please to meet you Tumnus. I'm Lucy Pevensie.

(Lucy holds out her hand for Tumnus to shake. Tumnus smiles and looks at it.)

Lucy: Oh. You shake it.

Tumnus: Uh...why?

Lucy: Why...I don't know. It's what friends do when they meet each other.

Tumnus: What's a friend?

Lucy: It's somebody who loves another person.

Tumnus: Ah. I see.

(Tumnus pinches her hand and starts waving it to the sides. Then they both start laughing.)

Tumnus: Well Lucy from the shining land of Refriger-ator in the land of Spare Doom...how would it be, if you had tea with me?

Lucy: Excuse me. Do you only speak in rhyme?

Tumnus: Well my rhymes are merely said in fun...okay I'm done.

Lucy: Oh, good. But I think I probably should be getting back.

(Tumnus eagerly goes on.)

Tumnus: Yes. But it's just around the corner. And there will be a handsome fire with twinkies, ding-dongs, lembas, and if we do...we might even break into the whale.

Lucy: Why thank you very much. But I think I should be getting back.

Tumnus: Oh...come on. It's not everyday I get to make a new friend.

Lucy: Well I guess I could stay for a little while. If you have whale.

(Tumnus smiles.)

Tumnus: By the bucket load.

Lucy: Where's Bucket Load?

Tumnus: There's no town called Bucket Load. I was just saying I have whales by the bucket load.

Lucy: Oh.

(The two walk together and go around "the corner" and get to Tumnus's house. They go in while Lucy looks around. Tumnus locks the door while she's not looking and then sees her pick up a picture.)

Tumnus: Ah that...that is my father.

Lucy: He looks like Charles Darwin.

(Tumnus puts the key up on top of his cabinets.)

Tumnus: No. He doesn't look like Charles Darwin at all.

(Lucy then sees the key way up high out of her reach.)

Lucy: Why did you put the key up there?

(Tumnus chuckles nervously.)

Tumnus: To uh...to keep it there safe. Huh.

Lucy: Oh.

Tumnus: Well...fun used to be here. Before this dreadful winter.

Lucy: Winter's not that all bad. There's snowball fights, ice-skating...and oh Halloween.

Tumnus: Halloweener what?

Lucy: I meant Christmas.

Tumnus: Well nope. We haven't had a Christmas for a hundred years.

Lucy: No presents for a hundred years?

Tumnus: It has been a very long winter. But you would have loved Narnia in the summer. We fauns danced with the dryads all night, until we fainted. Oh and rock-and-roll, such rock-and-roll.

(Tumnus hands Lucy some tea and puts lots of cream in it. Lucy starts sipping it.)

Tumnus: Would...would you like to hear some now?

Lucy: Oh yes please.

(Tumnus takes out a electric guitar.)

Tumnus: Now...are you familiar with any Narnian lullabyes?

Lucy: No. Not really.

Tumnus: That's good.

Lucy: Why?

Tumnus: Because that will mean I'll be able to put you to sleep...I mean. Because this will probably won't sound like one.

(Tumnus plays Yankee Doodle Went To Town on his electric guitar.)

Lucy: Oh I know that song.

(Tumnus stops playing.)

Tumnus: Really?

Lucy: That's my class's favorite.

Tumnus whispers to himself: That's bad.

Lucy: What?

Tumnus: Nevermind.

(Tumnus keeps on playing different songs like Entertaining Angels, or Wunderkind, Into The West, but all of these songs Lucy has heard.)

(Lucy falls out of the refrigerator and starts running again. In the distance of the house she can hear Peter still counting.)

Lucy: It's all right. I've come back.

Edmund: Shut up he's coming.

(Peter comes around a corner and sees both of them.)

Peter: I think you two haven't quite got the idea of this game.

Lucy: But weren't you wondering where I was?

Edmund: That's the point. That's why he was seeking you.

(Susan then runs up.)

Susan: Does this mean I win?

Edmund: No.

Peter: I don't think Lucy wants to play anymore.

Lucy: But I've been gone for hours.

(Edmnud scoffs.)

Edmund: Yeah. As if you're Superman himself who flies to London and then stays...

Peter: Shut up.

(The four go to the refrigerator and they feel the back of it. All they feel is plastic. Susan then comes out.)

Susan: Lucy the only freezing place is the back of the refrigerator.

Peter: Two...I mean one game at a time Lu. We don't have all of your imagination.

Edmund: Yeah. Maybe you took a saw and sawed the back of it and then sawed into the other wall. Maybe that's your problem.

(Peter gives Edmund a glaring look which makes him shut up...for a little while.)

Lucy: But I wasn't imagining.

Susan: That's enough Lucy.

Lucy: I wouldn't lie about this!

Edmund: Well I believe you.

Lucy: You do?

Edmund: Yes. Didn't I tell you that Paris was there in the bedroom closets?

Peter: Now would you just stop? You have to make everything worse don't you?

Edmund: It was a joke.

Peter: When are you going to learn to growup?

(Edmund shruggs his shoulders.)

Edmund: I don't know. When I'm 16, 18, you know thirty might be in my...

Peter: SHUT UP!

Edmund: Shut up yourself! You think your dad but your not!

(Edmund tromps out of the room and dissapears.)

Susan: Well that was nicely handled.

(Susan walks off.)

Peter: Where are you going?

(Susan stares at Peter before going out of the room.)

Susan: To throw a temper-tandrum fit myself! Humph!

Lucy: But I wasn't imagining.

Peter: Susan's right Lucy. That's enough.

(Lucy closes the refrigerator door and then goes away.
Later on...Lucy goes into the refrigerator before morning to take a look into it. She then goes into it followed by Edmund secretly.)

Edmund: Lucy? Where are you?

(Edmund goes to the refrigerator and opens the door.)

Edmund: Booh!

(Before Edmund is Mike Wesoski and Sulley Suliven and they see Edmund.)

Mike & Sulley: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Edmund: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mike: Let's go Sulley! We find monster kids instead of sleeping kids!

Sulley: Did we pick the wrong door?

(The refrigerator door closes and Edmund is laying half way on the floor, "stunned". He then gets up after a few minutes past by. He then opens the refrigerator door slowly.)

Edmund saying a weak half-whisper: Lucy? Booh?

(Edmund is then confident that nobody is in the refrigerator and goes in.)

Edmund: Lucy? I hope your not afraid of the dark.

(Edmund shuts refrigerator door.)

Edmund: Lucy? Lucy? Lucy? Lu..?

(Edmund trips over and finds himself in Narnia. He gets up amazed and looks around.)

Edmund: Lucy? Lucy? I think I believe you now. Lucy?

(Edmund takes several looks at the eletrical lampstand and then keeps walking. He then comes to a thin road and here's a gun shot and then some jingling of bells.)

Edmund: Santa?

(The noisy object comes into view which are reindeer and a sleigh and they go past Edmund for a little bit and Edmund falls over. The sleigh stops and out pops Rambo. Rambo runs after Edmund and lashes a whip around his legs and then jumps on top of him.)

Edmund: Leave me alone!

Jadis: What is it now, Ginabrik?

Rambo: I'm not Ginabrik I'm Rambo. You fired Ginabrik a long time ago for mixing your perfume with dwarf oderants.

Jadis: Oh, yes. Well what is it now Rambo?

Rambo to Edmund: How dare do you address the queen of Narnia?

(The White Witch thinks Rambo is talking to her and says,)

Jadis: Impudent fool! You are no queen of Narnia!

Rambo: I was actually talking to this impudent boy your lowness, I mean highness.

Jadis: Oh.

Edmund to Rambo: I don't know. "Your majesty", or "Me lady", or "Madame" possibly?

Rambo: All of those are wrong! Well, you'll know better here after!

(Rambo lifts up his switchblade and is about to kill Edmund.)

Jadis: Wait.

(Edmund sees the White Witch.)

Jadis: What is your name, Son of Adam?

Edmund: My name is Edmund. You can look at it right on this comedy...

Jadis: And how pray did you come, to enter my dominion.

Edmund: It was my sister's fault. She led me into your...

Jadis: You have a sister? How many are you?

Edmund: There are four of us. Peter's the oldest one. He didn't believe her, I didn't either. And so didn't my sister, and my second cousin twice removed…

Jadis: Edmund, you look so cold. Will you come to sit with me?

Edmund: Well you know I should be going...

(Rambo puts the switchblade to Edmund's back. Edmund is forced to move towards the sleigh. The White Witch lifts her fur coat for Edmund to sit and then she flaps it over him.)

Jadis: Now. How bout something hot to drink?

Edmund: Yes please. Me lady.

Jadis: You can call me, "Your majesty".

Edmund: Yes madam. Now, is 'Your majesty" your first name or your middle name?

Jadis: What?

Edmund: Nevermind.

(Jadis takes out a alcohol bottle and tips it slightly over. It then starts make tens upon tens of cups.)

Jadis: Oops. Rambo you can drink all except for one.

Rambo: Thank you my lady.

(Rambo takes one of the cups and hands it to Edmund.)

Edmund: How did you do that?

Rambo: Easy. That's by curling your fingers around the cup and...

Jadis: He wasn't talking to you, Rambo.

Rambo: Sorry my lady.

Jadis: That's all right. I forgive you. Because that's the kind of immortal person I am. Humble, a humble...

Edmund: How did you do this?

(Edmund starts drinking deeply from the cup.)

Jadis: I can make anything you like.

Rambo & Edmund: Can you make me taller?

(Jadis laughs. She doesn't take any notice of Rambo.)

Jadis: Anything you like to eat.

Edmund: Your love...I mean Turkish Twinkies? Your majesty.

(The White Witch tips her alcohol over slightly and then withdraws it. Rambo's smile widens but goes down when he sees only one.)

Rambo: You forgot about me.

Jadis: Oh shut up, and pick it up you ape.

(Rambo thinks that Jadis is talking to Edmund and so he squints his eyes at Edmund.)

Jadis: Pick it up you ape.

(Rambo still stares at Edmund.)

Jadis: Rambo?

Rambo: Oh yes. The food.

(Rambo picks up the metal container and hands it to Jadis. Jadis passes it to Edmund and Edmund opens it.)

Jadis: Edmund, I would very much like to see your family.

Edmund speaks with his mouth full: Why? Their nothing special. Besides, you can steal their ID's if you wanted to.

(Jadis grabs Rambo's army cap.)

Jadis: Well I'm sure they're not as delightful as you are.

Jadis mumbles under her breath: Even though you have twinkie cream on your lips.

(The White Witch wipes Edmund's mouth and then hands it back to Rambo. Rambo glares at Edmund and then brushes his cap.)

Jadis: You know Edmund. I have no children of my own. And I see that you someday becoming manager of Narnia. Maybe even stone...I mean maybe even king.

Edmund: I'll try to bring them.

(The White Witch smiles and hands Rambo the rest of the Turkish Twinkies to him. Rambo takes a bite. She then points to Edmund to some hills.)

Jadis: See those two hills there. My icicle...house is between those two hills.

(Edmund steps off of the sleigh.)

Jadis: You would simply love it there Edmund. There are rooms simply stuffed with Turkish Twinkies.

Edmund: Could I have Little Debbie's Twinkies now?

Jadis: No!

(Jadis then smiles.)

Jadis: I wouldn't want to ruin your appetite. Besides we'll be seeing each other soon. Won't we?

Edmund: I hope so, your majesty.

(Edmund burps.)

Jadis: Until then little one. Mmmm. I'm going to miss you turning you into...I mean I'm going to miss you.

Edmund: Me too. Your majesty.

(Rambo takes his pistol and shoots into the air. Jadis covers her ears.)

Jadis: Not so loud, Rambo! You've been shooting that toy ever since we left my home!

Rambo: Sorry your majesty. What kind of gun would you prefer me to use?

Jadis: I'd prefer you to use the whip.

Rambo: Yes, your majesty.

(Rambo gets the whip and cracks it. The reindeer speed foward and the sleigh dissapears around a corner in the little road.)

Lucy: Edmund?

(Lucy appears and sees Edmund.)

Lucy: Oh Edmund. You got here too. Isn't it wonderful?

Edmund: Yes it is.

(Edmund rolls his eyes.)

Lucy: I was just with Mr. Tumnus. The White Witch hasn't found anything about me being with him.

Edmund: The White Witch who is she? Is she Santa Clause's wife?

Lucy: No silly. Anyway, she calls herself the queen of Narnia but she really isn't.

(Lucy then sees Edmund really pale.)

Lucy: Edmund? Are you alright? Do you have hypothermia? Frostbite? Indigestion?

Edmund: Well what would you expect? I mean it's freezing here. How do we get out of this freezer?

Lucy: We came in by a refrigerator Edmund, not by a freezer. Well anyway just follow me.

Edmund mumbles: Yeah. Let your younger sibling help. That will get things out of an ice-pack.

(A few minutes later...)

(Lucy opens Peter's door and jumps on his bed.)

Lucy: Peter! Peter! Wake up!

Peter: Lucy what do you want?

Lucy: It's Narnia. It's all real. I went in there. And Edmund, he went in there too.

Peter: Who?

Lucy: Edmund.

Peter: Where?

Lucy: Narnia.

Peter: How?

Lucy: By the refrigerator.

Peter: Why?

Lucy: Because we both wanted to.

(Peter sits up and stares at Edmund. Susan does the same thing.)

Peter: You...you saw the faun?

Lucy: Well he actually didn't go there with me. He was... What were you doing Edmund?

Edmund: I was just playing Mario 3.

Lucy: No you weren't. You were...

Edmund: I'm sorry Peter. I shouldn't have encouraged her. But you know little children. They just don't know when to stop pretending.

(Lucy cries and goes out of the room. Peter sighs and pushes Edmund when he walks past. Lucy cries and bumps into the professer. Lucy doesn't care and just cries into the professer's clothes. Peter and Susan arive at the scene just in time to see Mrs. Mcready tieing on her bath robe.)

Mecready: You kids are one shaginhin, mishevious pigs sleeping in the stable...!

(Ms. Mecready sees the professer.)

Mecready: Sorry professer. I told them you were not to be disturbed.

Digory Kirk mumbles: You also said that they were not to disturb you.

Digory Kirk to Mecready: It's all right Ms. Mecready. I'm sure there is an explanation. But first of all I think this one is in need of a little hot hershey chocclate.

(Mecready lays her hands on Lucy and pulls her gently away.)

Mecready: Come along dear.

(*ahem*)

(Digory motions for Peter and Susan to follow him to his study. He then pulls a lid off of a metal apple filled with tobbaco. Laying near it is a picture of starkat taking a picture of the apple.)

Digory Kirk: You seem to disrupt the delicate internal balance of my house keeper.

Peter: Sorry sir. It won't happen again.

Susan: It's our sister sir.

Digory: The weeping girl.

Susan: Yes sir. She's upset.

Digory: Hence the weeping.

Peter: It's nothing. We can handle it.

Digory: Oh I can see that.

Susan: Lucy says she's found a magical land. In the upstairs refrigerator.

(Digory's eyes widen in interest.)

Digory: What did you say?

Peter: The refrigerator sir.

Susan: She says she's found a wood inside.

Digory: What was it like?

Susan: Like talking to a insane, half-witted, jar headed, pea brain, lunatic.

Digory: No not her. The forest.

Peter: You're not saying you believe her.

Digory: You don't?

Susan: Why of course. I mean, logically it's impossible.

Digory: What do they teach in schools these days?

Peter: Many things sir. Why Science, Biology, Chemistry, Math, English...

Susan: Edmund said that he was just playing Mario 3.

Digory: Oh, and so he's the more truthful one?

Peter: No. This would be the first time.

Digory: Playing Mario 3?

Peter: No. I meant that this would be the first time in him telling the truth.

Digory: Well then if she's not mad and he's the lest truthful one then logically he's...she's telling the truth.

Peter: So you're saying we should just believe her.

(Digory takes a cigarette and lights it. He then puts it to his mouth and then withdraws it.)

Digory: She's your sister isn't she? You're a family. Might as well start acting like one.

(The next day...)

(The three Pevensies are playing Cricket while Lucy reads alone.)

Peter: Peter winds up. Poise, takes and gets another wicket.

(Peter hits Edmund on the leg with the Cricket ball)

Edmund: Ow. You broke my leg.

Peter: Oops. Wake up dolly-day, sea-saw dreamer.

Edmund: Why can't we play Mario 3?

Peter: I thought you said it was a kid's game.

Susan: Besides, we can all use a clear brain.

Edmund: It's not as if there's no brains inside.

Peter: Are you ready?

Edmund: Are you?

Peter: Yup. I'm ready.

Edmund: All right. Throw the stupid thing.

(Edmund gets ready to hit the Cricket ball. Peter throws the Cricket ball and Edmund hits it into the professer's study. Lucy smiles as she sees what Edmund has done. The four go inside and look into the professer's study. There his inkbottles and his electric guitar are all broken.)

Peter: Well done Ed.

Edmund: Your the one that bowled it.

Mecready: What is going on up there?

Lucy: The Mecready's!

(The four run down a series of halways and stairs and finally get to the room where the refrigerator is.)

(The four run into the room that Lucy and Edmund had been in before and Edmund opens the refrigerator.)

Edmund: Come on!

Susan: You've got to be joking.

(The four here the steps go quicker and they all go in. Peter looks through the crack to see if anybody will open the door.)

Peter: Get back!

Edmund: Quit shoving!

Peter: You're on my toe!

Edmund: I'm not on your toe!

(Peter and Susan fall onto some snow and they both realize that they are in "Lucy's" magical land. They both look around.)

Peter & Susan: Impossible.

(Lucy thinks that Peter is talking about his toe.)

Lucy to Peter: Don't worry. I think your toe is fine.

Peter: I don't suppose saying sorry would quite cover it.

Lucy: Oh yes. Edmund?

(Lucy looks at Edmund. Edmund lifts an eyebrow in question.)

Peter: What I mean was, saying sorry that you were lieing.

Lucy: No. I don't think that would cover it.

(Lucy throws a snow ball into Peter's face.)

Lucy: But that might!

(Peter sees what she's done and the three start peleting each other with snow balls and finally Susan throws a snow ball at Edmund's shoulder.)

Edmund: Oww! Stop it!

Susan: Oh, it only had a rock in it.

Lucy mumbles: Weakling.

Peter: You little liar.

Edmund: You didn't believe her either.

Peter: Stop rhyming Ed. Now apologize to Lucy. Say your sorry!

Edmund: All right! Sorry!

Lucy: That's all right. Little toddlers just don't know when to stop pretending.

Edmund: Ha, ha very funny.

Susan: Maybe we should go back.

Edmund: Shouldn't we at least take a look around.

Peter: I think, Lucy should decide.

Lucy: I would like all of you to meet Mrs. Hilarry Clinton!

(Peter, Susan, & Edmund go sullen.)

Lucy: I meant Mr. Tumnus.)

Edmund: Or maybe we should visit...

Peter: Shut up! Well then Mr. Tumnus it is.

Susan: We can't go out hiking like this.

(Peter goes in to get radiation jackets and masks.)

Peter: Well I'm sure the professor wouldn't mind us using these. Besides, if you think about it logically, we aren't even taking them out of the refrigerator.

(Peter hands Edmund a big radiation jacket.)

Edmund: But that's for a fat man.

Peter I know.

(The four travel through the forest and then reach Tumnus's house.)

Lucy: There will be lots and lots of crabs, and lots and lots of ding-dongs, and lots and lots of...

(The four see Tumnus's door wrecked. Lucy gasps and runs toward Tumnus's house.)

Peter: Lucy!

(The other three run after Lucy until they come into Tumnus's house. A laptop that shows the company's name "Faun electronics" is smashed on the floor. A electric blender has been scratched and crushed. A 36 inch Plasma-Screen has been broken and ripped of it's wires. Lots of kitchen stuff has been spread all around the house. A electric guitar has been untuned and ripped of it's strings. And a speaker that used to be on a shelf has been stuck into a dead deer's mouth that hangs on the wall. Also tin plates in a special secret room that has been obiviously found, cover the wall and marawana plants grow.)

Edmund: Whoa. It looks like the chap had a party.

Lucy: No. I left him only yesterday.

Edmund: Oh. So fauns like to get loose.

Susan: What a horrible thing.

(Peter looks around and finds a piece of parchment that has something written on it. The font is the font of a typewriter.)

The satyr faun Tumnus, is here by charged with low high loyalty treason against her imperial majesty, Jadis. For fraternizing with pigs & monkeys humans and stealing Turkish Twinkes from the Royal de French vault. Long live the Queen`

Susan: Great! Now we must really go back.

Lucy: But what about Mr. Tumnus?

Susan: If he was arrested for being with a pigs & monkeys...human, then I don't think there's much we can do.

Lucy: You don't get it do you? I'm the monkey! She must have somehow found out about me.

Peter: Don't worry Lu. We'll call the gestapo.

Susan: These are the gestapo.

Peter: Don't worry Lu. We'll find some way to get him out.

Edmund: But why? I mean he's a criminal that steals twinkies.

(*psst*)

Susan: I think that squirrel just pissed us.

Edmund: Really? Is there any of its...

Peter: Don't say it.

(The four go out and see the squirrel chattering and doing *psst* from tree to tree. Until they hear a scuttling. The three besides Edmund huddle in a tight circle when out pops only a beaver.)

Lucy: Why, its a beaver.

(The beaver gets closer.)

Peter: Here boy. (*click, click, click) Here boy, boy.

(Peter holds out his hand to the beaver.)

Mr. Beaver: I aint go to smell those twinkies if that's what you want.

(Lucy giggles.)

Mr. Beaver: Cookie Pevensie.

Lucy: You mean me?

Mr. Beaver: Yes.

(Mr. Beaver holds out a bag of twinkies for Lucy to take. Lucy grabs it then inspects it.)

Lucy: Why these are my twinkies I gave to...

Mr. Beaver: As...Tumnus. I got it just before they took him.

Lucy: Is he alright?

Mr. Beaver: Further in.

(Peter is about to follow when Susan and Edmund stop him.)

Susan: What do you think you're doing?

Peter: Walking and using common sense.

Edmund: She's right. How do we know that we can trust him?

Peter: He said he knew the pommie.

Susan: He's a beaver. He shouldn't be eating or saying anything.

(Mr. Beaver shouts from the other side of the little hill.)

Mr. Beaver: I shouldn't be eating anything eh? Well I do eat twinkies and bark and green...

(The trees stir up and start groaning noisily.)

Mr. Beaver: Sorry Treebeard. But your forest is quite...charming!

Susan: Who's he talking to?

Lucy: He's talking to the trees.

Treebeard: Tree? I am no tree. I'm an ent.

Mr. Beaver: Quite Tree-Mostache. You shouldn't be waking up in Narnia. Now go to sleep, NOW!

(Treebeard goes to sleep.)

Mr. Beaver: Ah. That's better. Now we best leave for safer quarters.

(The four follow Mr. Beaver through a tiny mountain range and reach the other side where at the bottom of the hill is a beaver's house.)

Mr. Beaver: Ah blimey. It looks like the girl has got another kettle on. A nice cup of Rosy'Lee.

Lucy: It looks lovely.

Mr. Beaver: Ah, merely a trifle.

Lucy: You mean, you're not finished making a cup of Rosy'Lee?

Mr. Beaver: I was talking about the dam I made. Haven't quite finished it yet.

(A voice calls from the beaver house.)

Mrs. Beaver: Beaver? Is that you? I've been worried sick. If I find you've been out with Bugsbunny again I'll...

(Mrs. Beaver sees the Pevensie children.)

Mrs. Beaver: Oh my. Those aren't moderators. Well I thought I'd never live to see this day.

(Mrs. Beaver then scolds Mr. Beaver.)

Mrs. Beaver: Look at my fur. You couldn't give me ten minutes warning?

Mr. Beaver: I would have given you a min...year if I thought it would help.

(Mr. Beaver starts laughing including the Pevensies.)

Mrs. Beaver: Well come inside. And let's see if we can set up for some...civilized company.

(Mr. Beaver laughs and points at her. The three Pevensies go in while Edmund takes another glance at the two hills on either side of the witch's house.)

Mr. Beaver: Enjoying the scenery are we?

Edmund: Oh yes.

(Edmund takes out a digital camera and takes a picture of the two hills.)

Mr. Beaver: What did you do that for?

Edmund: To find my way back home.

Mr. Beaver: Huh.

(The two go inside and in an hour all are eating at a table while Edmund sits on some stairs. Mr. Beaver then goes to tell more about Mr. Tumnus.)

Mr. Beaver: I visited him just before they took him to the Witch's house. And you know what they say..."A animal lost, is a animal earned".

Mrs. Beaver: That's uh, "few that go in those gates ever come out of them." Well anyway fish and chips.

Lucy: Oh my. Where did you get the chips?

(Mrs. Beaver laughs nervously.)

Mrs. Beaver: I just got them out of my pantry.

(Lucy bites into the chips and a hard crunchy taste goes to Lucy's tongue.)

Lucy: There...good.

Mrs. Beaver: Really?

(Mrs. Beaver turns to her electric oven and Lucy looks at her chips before dumping them into a trash can. Then Mrs. Beaver stands at the table again.)

Mrs. Beaver: But there is hope dear. Lots of hope.

(Mr. Beaver spits the water that he was drinking back into his cup.)

Mr. Beaver: Oh, yeah. There's a more bit then hope. Rathnier's...I mean Aslan is going pooh...I mean. Let me start over again. Aslan is on the move.

Edmund: Who's As-land?

Mr. Beaver: Who's Aslan? (*laughs*) You cheeky little blighter.

(Mrs. Beaver hits Mr. Beaver's shoulder softly to get his attention.)

Mr. Beaver: What?

(Mrs. Beaver motions to Mr. Beaver that they probably don't know Aslan.)

Mr. Beaver: You don't know him do you?

Peter: Well...we haven't exactly been here very long.

Edmund: Well according to my study...(*he looks at his watch*) we've only been here for 4 hours and twenty minutes.

Mr. Beaver: Well he's "only" the king of the whole, wood. The top pommie...giezer.

Mrs. Beaver: He's been gone for a long time.

Mr. Beaver: But he just got back. And he's waiting for you at the Stone Table.

Susan: He's waiting for me?

Mr. Beaver: Your blooming joking! They don't...

(Mrs. Beaver taps Mr. Beaver.)

Mr. Beaver: Oh. He's not only waiting for you but he's waiting for all of you.

Susan: He's waiting for us?

Mr. Beaver: Your blooming joking! They don't even know about the prophesy!

Mrs. Beaver: Well then...

(Mr. Beaver sighs.)

Mr. Beaver: Look. Aslan's return. Tumnus's arrest. Harry Potter... it's all happening because of you!

Susan: You're blaming us?

Mrs. Beaver: No not blaming. Were blam...thanking you.

Mr. Beaver: There's a prophesy. When Adam's flesh and Adam's bone, sits on Cair Paravel in throne, all there will be is a carcass.

(Mr. Beaver cracks up into laughter. Mrs. Beaver taps him again on the shoulder.)

Susan: You know, that's a really dry joke, and it also doesn't exactly rhyme.

Mr. Beaver: Yeah it doesn't really. But your kind of missin the whole point here.

Mrs. Beaver: The prophesy said that there would be two sons of Adam and two daughters of Christmas Eve, and restore peace to the Narnia Guild...Narnia.

Peter: And you think we're the ones?

Mr. Beaver: Well you better be because Aslan has already fitted out your National Guard.

Susan: Our National Guard?

Mr. Beaver: Uh-huh. Unless you want to hand the National Guard over to...

(Mrs. Beaver slaps Mr. Beaver on the leg.)

Mrs. Beaver: Stop your dry jokes honey.

Susan to Peter: Mom sent us away so that we didn't get caught up in a war.

Peter: I think there must be some mistake. We're not heroe's.

Susan: We're from Finchley.

Susan: We thank you for your hospitality. But we really have to go.

Lucy: You don't understand. We need to help him.

Peter: I think it's time we be getting home. Ed?

(All five look around and don't see Edmund.)

Peter: Ed? I'm going to kill him!

Mr. Beaver: You may not have to. Has Edmund ever been to Narnia before?

(Meanwhile Edmund is trudging up a hill that leads to the White Witch's house. Peter, his sisters, and Mr. Beaver are going their fastest but don't catch up with him. They then reach the top of the hill and see the White Witch's house and a tiny speck going closer to the gates of the house.)

Lucy screams: EDMUND!

Mr. Beaver: Shhhhh! They'll hear you!

(Peter, determined that he won't let his brother be trapped by someone else.)

Mr. Beaver: No!

(Beaver grabs Peter's arm and stops him from running.)

Peter: Get off me!

Mr. Beaver: I'm not on you! Anyway, your playing into her hands!

Lucy: He's our brother!

Susan: We can't just let him go!

Mr. Beaver: The Witch wants all four of ya.

Peter: Why?

Mr. Beaver: To stop the prophesy from coming true. To lapidate you!

Susan: This is all you fault!

Peter: My fault?

Susan: This wouldn't happen if you had just listened to me!

Peter: Me? What about you? I've been trying to free that ugly...smelly faun and have been doing my best to protect all of you! But you didn't think that didn't you? No! Why? Because girls like you don't think things through!

Lucy: Stop it! We girls think things through all the time.

Mr. Beaver: She's right. Only Tashlan...Aslan can save your brother from the masonry room now.

Peter: Then take us to him.

(Meanwhile, Edmund is walking through the courtyard of the White Witch's castle and he stops and is startled for a second to see a Minas Morgul statue bending over him. He then relaxes and continues walking. He stops again when he sees a male stone lion. He sees burned sticks at his feet and picks them up. He then starts marking the face of the lion. The stone male lion comes to life in a cartoonish way to be Scar of the Lion King.)

Scar: Hey! None of that! I may pretend to be stone but I don't want any ash glasses on MY face! You got it?

(Scar then walks out of the White Witch's castle. Edmund smiles and continues walking. Edmund then accidentaly, bangs his foot against a stone stature and leans on another one. The one that Edmund is leaning on falls over while Edmund falls after it. Edmund falls on top of it when he hears heavy breathing. Edmund looks at what he had supposed to be a "stone statue" is actually a live hobbit.)

Hobbit 1: Shhhhhhhhh! Be quiet!

Edmund: How did you?...I thought you were a stone statue.

Hobbit 1: Well I'm not. I've been standing so still all day, just to pretend I'm a stone statue.

Edmund: How did you get in here?

Hobbit 1: Well I was told by this faun called Tumnus that this was the best place to get Ice Cream and Twinkies. And that I could get free stone wear for free!

Edmund: Wow.

Hobbit 1: Now if you'll permit me...(Hobbit 1 gets up) I need to get out of here.

(Hobbit 1 runs past Edmund and out of the gates to the White Witch's castle.)

(Edmund continues walking when a wolf trips him and lands on his stomach.)

Edmund: Owwwwwwww! STOP it...

Maugrim: Lay still stranger! Or you'll never move again! Who are you?

Edmund: I'm the queen's mother...I'm Edmund! I met the queen before!

Maugrim: Huh. My apologies. Fortunate favorite of the queen. Or maybe, not so furtunate.

Edmund: Do you have a luck dice on you?

Maugrim: No.

Edmund: Why's that?

Maugrim: Because when I rolled it last time to see if they would show me as a were-wolf in the movie Narnia by Andrew Adamson...I got the unlucky side.

Edmund: Oh.

(Maugrim walk up some steep stairs with Edmund. They then reach the top and into an icy hall.)

Maugrim: Wait here.

(Edmund waits in the hall for a while but sees the White Witch's throne. Santa Clause comes up and puts his hand near the throne.)

Santa Clause: Like it?

Edmund: Yes! Your majesty?

Santa Clause: I thought you might. (Santa sits on White Witches throne.) Now what do you want for Christmas...wait your on the naughty list. Right?

Edmund: I don't know really.

(The White Witch then comes up and puts her hand near her throne.)

White Witch: Like it?

(Santa Clause gets out of her seat. Edmund looks at her.)

Santa Clause: Yes. Your majesty.

White Witch: I thought you might. Leave us, court jester.

Santa Clause: Yes your majesty.

(Santa Clause leaves.)

White Witch: Tell me Edmund...are your sisters computer geniuses?

Edmund: No.

White Witch: And is your brother...is he...a fat and ugly?

Edmund: Well I think so but mum says...

White Witch: Then how dare do you come alone?

Edmund: Easy. That's by coming to you in the dark...

White Witch: I asked so little of you Edmund.

Edmund: Wait! I forgot my second line...

White Witch: Couldn't even do that.

Edmund: I brought them as far as I could! They are at Disneyla...at the house of the beavers!

White Witch: Well...I guess your not of total loss then.

Edmund: I was wondering...could I have some more of those twinkies?

(White Witch turns her attention to Rambo.)

White Witch: Our guest is hungry.

(Rambo walks up to Edmund.)

Rambo: Right this way. For you yum-tums!

(Rambo pulls out a Kabar knife and sticks it into the back of Edmund.)

White Witch: Maugrim!

(Maugrim the wolf comes and stands before the White Witch's throne.)

White Witch: You know what to do.

Maugrim: I do?

White Witch: Yes.

Maugrim: How do I do it?

White Witch: Your way!

Maugrim: Oh. Thank you your majesty.

(Maugrim then walks down the steps to her throne but stops in thought.)

Maugrim: Which is my way?

White Witch: Go find the human creatures at the beaver's house. Once you find them in the beaver's house KILL ALL AND DESTROY ALL!

(White Witch leaves.)

Maugrim: My way is not very sportsman like. But I guess I'll have to do it her way...not my way.

(Maugrim howls in the air. Maugrim's followers then appear on both sides of the hall and run off and run down the hall. Maugrim keeps in line last and he jumps and finds himself going down a hill. Maugrim starts wimpering all the way down until he slams into a rock in an icy river bed. A bird then runs past him.)

Road-Runner: Beep, Beep!

(Maugrim then looks around.)

Maugrim: Where is Wildy Coyote?

(Maugrim then gets up and runs to catch up with the others.)

(Meanwhile, Lucy, Peter, Susan and Mr. Beaver have been running from the wolves and reach their house. Mr. Beaver bursts through the door.)

Mr. Beaver: Hurry mother! They're...

Mrs. Beaver: I aint your mum.

Mr. Beaver: ...after us!

Mrs. Beaver: Oh. All right!

Peter: What are you doing?

Mrs. Beaver: You'll be thanking me later dear. We have a long journey ahead of us and Beaver get's pretty cranky when he's hungry.

Mr. Beaver: I'm cranky now!

(Outside the Beaver's house Maugrim's followers wait for Maugrim's orders.)

Maugrim: Take them!

(The followers look at each other then head for the Beaver's house. Meanwhile, all are getting food ready inside the Beaver house.)

Susan: Do you think we'll need more jam?

Peter: Only the Witch serves toast! And twinkies.

(The Pevensies and the Beaver couple hear the wolves gather around their house and start sniffing their way in. Eventually, Maugrim and his followers get in but they don't find the humans or the beavers anywhere. Maugrim then claws at a door and opens it. He then finds out that they went down a tunnel. Meanwhile, the Pevensies and the Beaver couple are racing down the dark tunnel.)

Mr. Beaver: Bugs-Bunny and me dug this! It comes right out at his place!

Mrs. Beaver: You told me it led to Hollywood!

(Lucy trips over a root in the tunnel.)

Susan: Lucy!

(Lucy then hears some wolf noises in the tunnel.)

Lucy: They're in the tunnel.

Mr. Beaver: This way!

(The Pevensies and Beavers go to a full run when they come to an end in the tunnel.)

Mrs. Beaver: You should have brought a GPS!

Mr. Beaver: There was no room next to the Jell-O!

(Mr. Beaver then climbs up where an opening is and the Mrs. Beaver and then the Pevensies. Lucy comes out and trips over something. Peter and Mr. Beaver roll a barrel against a hole and then Mr. Beaver notices something. In front of him is what looks like a stone statue but it really isn't. Mr. Beaver recognizes the statue as his friend, Bugsbunny.)

Mr. Beaver: He was my best man.

Mrs. Beaver: I'm sorry dear.

(Susan goes over and walks around it.)

Susan: It's just a cardboard imitation.

(Susan finds Mr. Beaver weeping. But Mr. Beaver then hears what Susan said and pauses in weeping.)

Mr. Beaver: You think so?

Susan: Yes.

Peter: What happened here?

(A fox then steps up.)

Fox 1: This is what happens to those who cross the Witch.

(Mr. Beaver sees the fox and walks up to him but Mrs. Beaver stops him.)

Mr. Beaver: You take one more step traitor...and I'll chew you to saw dust!

Fox 1: Relax. I'm one of the good guys.

Mr. Beaver: You're not a guy! You're a fox!

Fox 1: An unfortunate family resemblance.

Mr. Beaver: What?

Fox 1: We can argue about English later. Right now we got to move!

(Peter then turns his attention to the Fox.)

Peter: What did you have in mind?

Fox 1: Tons of things.

Peter: Well what's your idea right now?

Fox 1: Oh. Climb up that tree.

(Fox 1 motions with his nose for the Beaver couple and the Pevensies to climb up a tree. They all do so just in time when Maugrim and his followers burst out of the tunnel.)

Fox 1: Greetings gents. Lost something have we?

Wolf 2: What do you mean "we"?

Fox 1: Exactly what I meant.

(Maugrim and his followers surround Fox 1. And start circling him.)

Maugrim: Don't patronize me! I know where your allegiance lies.

Fox 1: You do?

Maugrim: Yes. Your in league with Wormmouth.

Fox 1: That's Wormtongue. And no...I'm not in league with him.

Maugrim: Well anyway...we're looking for some humans.

(Fox 1 chuckles nervously.)

Fox 1: Humans? Here in the refrigerator?

Maugrim: Refrigerator?

Fox 1: I meant Narnia.

(Wolf 2 grabs Fox 1 in his jaws.)

Maugrim: It's worth your life. It's not much.

Fox 1: Yes it is. It's worth a...

Maugrim: But still... Where are the fugitives?

Fox 1: What kind of...

Maugrim: Where are they?

Fox 1: They're right ab...they ran north.

Maugrim: Hmmmm. Taste them out!

Wolf 3: How are we going to do that?

Maugrim: SMELL THEM OUT!

Wolf 3: Oh yeah. Right.

(Wolf 2 throws Fox 1 to the side and joins Maugrim's followers to go find the Pevensies.)

(Meanwhile the Pevensies and Beaver couple climb down from the tree and help Fox 1.)

Fox 1: They took him before I got here. Ouch!

(Mrs. Beaver is tending to Fox 1's wounds.)

Lucy: Will you be alright?

Fox 1: I wish I could say that bun was worse then that hot dog. Ouch!

(Fox 1 squirms from the healing ways of Mrs. Beaver.)

Lucy: What?

Mrs. Beaver: Stop squirming!

Lucy: I'm not squirming!

Fox 1: No. She was talking to...

Mrs. Beaver: You're worse then Beaver on bath day!

Lucy: I am? That's shocking! I take a bath everyday!

Mr. Beaver: Worse day of the year.

Lucy: But this is my birthday!

Peter: No Lucy. She was talking about the Fox.

Lucy: Oh.

Fox 1: Thank you for your kindness. But I think that's all the cure I can have.

Mrs. Beaver: Should we call an ambulance? Or get you to St. John's Hospital? Or we could have you see a therapist.

Fox 1: No I don't think I'll need those treatments.

Lucy: You're leaving?

Fox 1: I was sent on a secret mission. Aslan himself has asked me to gather more troops.

Mr. Beaver: Well it ain't very secret now is it?

(Mr. Beaver laughs until Mrs. Beaver has to tap him on the shoulder to get him to his serious senses.)

Peter: What kind of troops? The National Guard? The FBI? The Police Department?

Mrs. Beaver: You've seen Aslan?

Mr. Beaver: Hey honey. Those were my lines.

Peter: What's he like?

Mrs. Beaver: Hey! Those are my lines!

Fox 1 to Peter: Like everything we've ever dreamed. You'll be glad to have Him by your side in the battle with the Witch.

Susan: But we're not planning to fight a war.

Lucy: Oh yes we are. If we're going to rescue Mr. Tum...

(Susan covers Lucy's mouth.)

Fox 1: But surely King Peter. The prophesy.

(Susan looks at Peter.)

Peter: We just want our brother back.

(Meanwhile, deep in the Witch's house sits Edmund trying to eat sourdough bread that is really stale. Edmund coughs a couple times and tries to drink water but it is frozen. He then leaves the bread alone.)

Mr. Tumnus: If your not going to eat that...?

(Edmund sees Mr. Tumnus and crawls over to him and gives him the bread.)

Mr. Tumnus: I would get up...but my legs.

(Edmund looks at Mr. Tumnus's legs that have been rubbed by the cuffs that bind him.)

Edmund: Mr. Tumnus?

Mr. Tumnus: You don't have to ask me my name. Just look up in your comedy script.

Edmund whispering: I'm just doing what the comedy script tells me.

Mr. Tumnus: Mine too.

Edmund: Oh.

Mr. Tumnus: You and your sister have the same nose.

(Edmund notices and sniffs.)

Mr. Tumnus: Is she all right? Is she safe?

(Edmund hears wolf growls.)

Edmund: I don't know.

(The White Witch comes into the dungeon.)

White Witch: My guards...tore that dam apart! Your little family...are no where to be found!

(The White Witch picks up Edmund with one hand.)

White Witch: Where are they?

Edmund: Who?

White Witch: The puppies!

Edmund: What?

White Witch: Then you are no further use to me.

(White Witch throws Edmund to the ground.)

Edmund: Wait! Let me explain!

(White Witch lifts her wand.)

Edmund: Wait! I heard that they were going to meet someone called Aslan.

White Witch: Aslan?

Mr. Tumnus: He's only a human your majesty! He can't be expected to know anything.

Rambo: Oh yes he can. He knows his ABC's. And his matamatics.

Mr. Tumnus: Uh, you spell that mathematics.

Rambo: Are you calling me stupid?

Mr. Tumnus: Uh...no.

White Witch to Edmund: I said...where is Aslan?

Edmund: I left before I heard anymore.

(White Witch then turns her attention to something else.)

White Witch: Guard?

(Arnold Swartzeneggar comes in in his Mr. Freeze suit.)

Mr. Freeze\Arnold Swartzeneggar: Yes your majesty?

White Witch: Release the faun.

Mr. Freeze\Arnold Swartzeneggar: Ahhhhhhhhh.

(Mr. Freeze takes a hammer and breaks Tumnus's chains off his legs. Mr. Tumnus whimpers every hit of the hammer. The White Witch then motions for Mr. Freeze to bring Tumnus over to her.)

White Witch to Tumnus: You know why you're here faun?

Mr. Tumnus: Because I grew marawana plants in my home.

White Witch: Your here because he (*White Witch points her wand at Edmund*) turned you in...for twinkies.

(Mr. Tumnus looks at Edmund with a look of surprise mixed with disappointment.)

White Witch to Mr. Freeze: Take him outside. And ready my sleigh.

(The White Witch then turns her attention to Edmund.)

White Witch: Edmund misses his family.

(White Witch then goes out and closes the dungeon door behind her. Meanwhile the rest of the Pevensies are journeying and are at the Rock Bridge.)

Mr. Beaver pointing across a frozen lake: The Stone Table is just across the frozen lake.

Peter: It's so far.

Mrs. Beaver: It's the world dear. Did you expect it to be small?

Susan: Smaller.

Mr. Beaver: How small.

Susan: Oh not too small. But tiny infinite testable.

Mr. Beaver: Huh?

Susan: Never mind.

(Meanwhile, Edmund has been let out of the Dungeons and is then let outside and escorted by Rambo. While both are walking, Edmund sees the stone statue of Tumnus. They then continue walking but Edmund looks behind himself. The stone statue, Tumnus, breaths out some air that turns into vapor. His eyes then go sideways, in caution in not giving away his pretence to be a stone. Edmund smiles and then turns his attention to the Witch. The White Witch is standing on her sleigh.)

White Witch: When your ready...son of Adam.

Edmund: Okay. That'll be in several hours la...

(Rambo puts a switchblade to Edmund's back and has him sit at the White Witch's feet. The Witch's sleigh then goes from her castle to seek Maugrim and his followers. Meanwhile, the Pevensies are crossing a snowy plain while the Beaver couple stays ahead of them tirelessly.)

Mr. Beaver: Come on humans. While we're still young.

Peter: If he tells us to hurry one more time, I'm going to twist him into a big, fluffy Pretzel.

(Peter picks up Lucy.)

Lucy: He is getting rather bossy.

Mr. Beaver: Look out behind you!

Mrs. Beaver: It's her!

Peter: What? It can't be Shelob! That's a art of Tolkien's world. Is it a diggeredoo?

Mrs. Beaver: No! It's Her!

Peter: Oh. Run!

(Peter puts Lucy on the ground and all start running and head for the line of trees. All five eventually reach the forest and go into a tiny cave in the hill and hide there. There they wait and then hold their breaths when they see a sillouete of a person. The shadow of the person then leaves. Mr. Beaver sniffs the air a little while Mrs. Beaver whimpers quietly.)

Mr. Beaver: Stop whimpering like a dog, honey. It is so pathetic.

(Mrs. Beaver stops whimpering without even noticing she quited.)

Mrs. Beaver: I'm not a dog first of all. And second of all, I'm not bee's food.

Lucy: Maybe she's gone.

Peter: Maybe I should go and take a look around.

(Peter is about to get up, but Mr. Beaver stops him and is going himself.)

Mr. Beaver: No. Your not worth to Narnia dead.

Mrs. Beaver: Well neither are you Beaver. (*murmurs*) Except when you don't take a bath.

Mr. Beaver: Thanks dear.

(Mr. Beaver then goes up and dissapears. Mrs. Beaver starts whimpering again quietly. The intensity grows. And then Mr. Beaver pokes his head from above the cave.)

Mr. Beaver: Hi! I hope you've all been good! Because their's somone here to see yah!

Peter: Who is it? Andrew Adamson? Winston Churchhill? Adolph Hitler?

Mr. Beaver: Even better! Wait. What's an Winton Kirkhill? What's a Adolk Hickler? Is that some kind of vegetable? Flower? Summer Squash?

Peter: No. Nevermind.

(The Pevensies and Mrs. Beave then go out from the tiny cave and come out to see Father Christmas himself.)

Lucy: Merry Christmas, sir.

Father Christmas: And to you Lucy. And to your's and my family. (*murmurs*) Even though I don't have a family.

Peter: We thought you were Her.

Father Christmas: Yes. Sorry. I do tend to look like her and then I have to take an extra week trying to calm people and talking animals down that I'm not her.

Susan: I thought there was no Christmas in the Golden...Narnia.

Father Christmas: Yes. There was, for a very long time. But the hope that you have brought your majesty's, is finally bringing an end to the Witch's power. But I dare say you could do without these.

(Father Christmas lifs a bag off his sleigh and sets it on the ground.)

Lucy: Trick and Treats!

Susan: Even better! Lollipops!

Peter: No. They are presents.

Lucy & Susan: Oh.

(Father Christmas pulls out a bottle of some liqued and holds it in front of Lucy.)

Father Christmas: The liquid of the Buddumber (not Budwiser) can cure any injury. Cuts, Gashes, Bruises, Comas, Amnesia, Cancer, Mathematical Problems, Ethical Dilemmas...

Lucy: Wow! Can I have some now?

Father Christmas: Uh...no.

Lucy: Oh. Shucks.

(Father Christmas then hands Lucy a stilleto.)

Father Christmas: And I hope you won't have to use this.

Lucy: I think I could be brave enough, sir.

Father Christmas: You think. Well that's not enough to make a queenish-warrior.

(Lucy sniffs. Father Christmas then turns to Susan and hands her a megaphone.)

Father Christmas: Speak into this megaphone and help will come to you.

Susan: Really?

Father Christmas: Positive.

(Father Christmas then hands Susan a rifle with a scope attached on the top.)

Father Christmas: Trust in this rifle...especially the scope. And you will not miss.

(Susan smiles. Father Christmas then hands Peter a lightsaber and a Gun-Gung shield.)

Father Christmas: Peter...the time to use these...are nearing.

(Peter smiles big.)

Peter: Am I going to be a Jedi?

Father Christmas: No. Even better!

Peter: And what's that?

Father Christmas: You're going to be a king!

(Peter sighs in disappointment before turning on the lightsaber. (The lightsaber turns on and it's laser blade catches melts several inches of Father Christmas's beard. Father Christmas looks down at his beard and squints at Peter. Father Christmas is not very happy now.)

Peter: Thank you sir!

Father Christmas: Don't thank me. Just give me some mullah for some hair-plugs and I'll be off.

(Father Christmas holds out his hand to receive some money from Peter. Peter takes out some bubble-gum and places it in Father Christmas's hand. Father Christmas grows disgusted and he throws it on the ground. He then looks at the rest with an angry look.)

Father Christmas: Now! I must be off! Things start piling up when you've been gone for a million years! Long live me…Aslan! And a Merry Christmas!

Father Christmas mumbles under his breath: or a sour Christmas.

(Father Christmas snaps the reins angrily and goes off down a road at 60 MPH.)

Lucy to Susan: Told you he was Mr. Grinch.

Susan to Lucy: Lucy, you mustn't say that! What makes you think he is Mr. Grinch?

Lucy: Well I noticed that he had our hair dryer in the back.

(Susan gasps.)

Peter: He said, that Halloween was almost over. You know what that means? No more candy.

Mr. Beaver: I think your mistaking what he said. He said that Easter was almost over. And do you know what that means? No more easter eggs.

Mrs. Beaver: Now stop it me dearies. That's not what he said! He said that WINTER was almost over! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? NO MORE ICE!

(The Beavers and the Pevensies then go to the falls of The Great River. They then see that the ice covering the river below the falls is melting.)

Peter: We have to cross!

Lucy: Can't beavers make dams?

Mr. Beaver: I'm not that fast dearie.

Peter: Come on!

(Peter has everybody go down carefully to the frozen but melting river. But Susan tries to make Peter come to terms with reality.)

Susan: Would you just think about this for a minute!

Peter: We don't have a minute!

Susan: I'm just being realistic!

Peter: No. You're just trying to be a philosopher. As usual!

(The Pevensies then reach down to what's left of the melting ice pack. Peter steps on it first but it breaks. His foot then goes through the ice pack. Beaver doesn't notice that Peter's leg is in the freezing water but says,)

Mr. Beaver: Maybe I should go first.

(Peter tries to get himself out but finds that he can't.)

Peter: Maybe you should and help get my leg out!

Mr. Beaver: Oh, sorry.

(Mr. Beaver gets Peter's leg out and then advances cautiously onto the ice pack. He then slaps his tail twice gets causes a long line of cracking across the ice pack. Mr. Beaver then notices what he did.)

Mr. Beaver: Oooh.

(A icicle from the falls comes down and lands on top of the ice pack that is between Mrs. Beaver and the Pevensies and Mr. Beaver. Cracking forms all around for about several feet before breaking and going down the river. Mr. Beaver then looks at those who are left on shore.)

Mr. Beaver: I'm sorry, Peter.

(While Peter is wondering how to get across the gap that is between Mr. Beaver and them, the company hears wolf howls and see them coming from Mr. Beaver's side. The first wolf leaps off the side of the frozen waterfall and knocks it's head against the ice; that wolf goes unconscious. Maugrim and another wolf go down carefully and confront Mr. Beaver. Mr. Beaver hisses like a snake but the wolf does not hesitate to bring him down. The wolf jumps in the air and comes back down, and he grabs Mr. Beaver before plunging him through the ice and into the water. Peter draws his lightsaber.)

Peter: Get back!

(Peter goes into the gap between Maugrim and him and fins that it is not shallow water. He then swims vigorously to the other side and holds out his lightsaber in front of him. Maugrim then slowly walks towards Peter. While he is walking, Susan, Lucy, & Mrs. Beaver plung into the gap and finally reach the other side with difficulty and stand behind him.)

Maugrim: Put down that sword, son of Adam. Someone's likely to get Medicade.

Susan to Maugrim: It's not a sword! It's a lightsaber!

(Maugrim chuckles.)

Maugrim: Smart girl!

Mr. Beaver: Kill him, Jedi Peter! Kill him! Quarter him and incinerate his guts while you have the chance!

Maugrim: This isn't your hunt! All my queen wants is to take your family and go to her masonry-filled home!

Susan to Peter: Just because some red-man in a suit gives you a lightsaber does not make you a Jedi! Just drop it!

Maugrim: What will it be son of Adam? I won't wait long. And neither will the river!

(Lucy looks at the frozen waterfall.)

Lucy to Peter: Peter!

(Peter looks and sees a little trickle come from the frozen waterfall. He thinks it is going to burst but Mrs. Beaver isn't frightened about it.)

Mrs. Beaver: If we don't do anything and just have a cup of tea with this carnivore of a walking-carpet, we'll be all fine.

Peter: Hold on to me!

(The frozen waterfall doesn't burst. Peter does a really big mistake by stabbing his lightsaber into the ice. Once he stabs, a crack appears from the ice where the lightsaber stabbed into and travels to the frozen waterfall. The waterfall then starts cracking up quickly and bursts. Peter then realizes he has done a big mistake. The water from the now un-frozen waterfall comes down and hits the river below it which creates a wave over the ice pack that the Pevensies are on. After a little while, they come out of the water. Peter is holding onto his lightsaber with Susan and Lucy on either side of him. The lightsaber has melted a lot of the ice pack they are on, so they only have about a foot left. By the time they reach shore, only half a foot is left. They then get on shore and Mr. Beaver comes out of the water.)

Mr. Beaver: Lovely.

(Susan looks at Peter who is carrying Lucy's radiation jacket but no Lucy.)

Susan: What have you done?

Peter: I couldn't help it! I was getting cold myself in that freezing cold water and so I took her radiation jacket and laid it over my back. And I guess she…

(Peter is too horrified to describe of what might happen to Lucy.)

Susan: Lucy? Lucy?

Lucy: Has anybody seen my radiation jacket?

(Susan and Peter turn around to see Lucy, all in one piece. Susan puts one hand on her hip and shows Lucy that Peter has her radiation jacket. Peter then puts it on her.)

Mr. Beaver sarcasticly says: Don't worry dear. Your brother will take good care of you.

Mrs. Beaver: And I don't think you'll need those jackets anymore.

(The company then walk through the forest to see buds on trees blooming again. Meanwhile, the White Witch is examining the destruction of her beautiful waterfall. Rambo doesn't care but examines the weather.)

Rambo: It's so warm out.

(The Witch glares at Rambo.)

Rambo: I'll go and check the sleigh.

Jadis: It's no use checking it. We're stuck and can't go nowhere.

Rambo: Don't worry me lady.

(The Witch looks at Rambo and glares at him again.)

Rambo: Don't worry, your majesty. We have emergency rocket boosters in the back.

(Maugrim then comes out of the bushes with his company. One of the wolves is holding the fox in his mouth.)

Maugrim: Your majesty, we found this traitor, alerting your enemies through the frozen woods.

(The wolf that is carrying the fox in his mouth tosses him on the ground and then starts spitting out the fox's hair that had got into his mouth while carrying him.)

Jadis: Ahh. So nice of you to drop by.

Fox 1: I know, me lady. Thanks to your welcoming committee.

Jadis: Perhaps you can help me now.

Fox 1: Help you with what?

(Jadis points with her wand at the waterfall that used to be frozen. Fox 1 chuckles nervously.)

Jadis: That.

Fox 1: Forgive me your majesty.

Edmund: Oh don't waste my time with flattering.

Fox 1: Not seeming to be rude, but I wasn't talking to you.

(Edmund looks at the Witch and then grabs her wand from her hand and points the handle towards Fox 1.)

Edmund: Where is my family?

(Fox 1 doesn't answer. Edmund's hand slides accidentally down to the point of the wand. He then turns into stone. Fox 1, who is near the edge of the gulf that overlooks the river shouts,)

Fox 1: No!

(The White Witch looks at Fox 1 and slaps him. Her slap hits Fox 1 off the edge of the gulf. Fox 1 shouts "Ahhhhhhhhhh" until he hits the bottom of the gulf. White Witch then looks at Edmund who is bent and is stone ; but she thinks he's still alive.)

Jadis: Edmund, think of who's side your on. Mine…

(Jadis grabs Edmund's stone cheek and turns him (who's a stone statue) around to the gulf.)

Jadis: Or their's.

(Jadis then sees that Edmund is a stone statue.)

Jadis: Edmund?

(Jadis then motions for Rambo to put Edmund the stone statue into the back of her sleigh. She then turns her attention to the wolves.)

Jadis: Go on. Gather the faithful. If it's a war Aslan wants…

(Jadis takes out a fly swatter out of her pocket and hits a fly off her sleigh and down to the ground.)

Jadis: It's a war he shall get.

(Meanwhile, the Beaver couple and the Pevensie children (besides Edmund) have reached the camp of Aslan. There, Narnians are inspecting or making their weapons and others are drinking soda and just hanging about. A faun is selling hot dogs and buns in a little metal cart. A 2 foot tall speaker is put next to each Narnian's tent. PA system then speaks through the speakers by the mouth of a centaur.)

PA system (centaur): Narnia camp. It looks like we have three court jesters here to see Aslan. Please go and follow them and see what Aslan does to them. Thank You.

(As the Pevensies walk pass the Narnians the Narnians follow them behind.)

Susan: Why are they all staring at us?

Lucy: Maybe because they think, you look funny.

(Mrs. Beaver is cleaning her fur and just isn't satisfied with it.)

Mr. Beaver: Oh come on. Quite your fussing. You look ugly.

(Mrs. Beaver slaps Mr. Beaver on the shoulder.)

Mrs. Beaver: Beaver!

Mr. Beaver: What? I just stated my opinion. The more you keep on trying to clean and rearrange your fur, you look lovely.

(By this time, the Beaver couple and the Pevensies have reached a tent huger then any of the Narnian's. Peter looks to see a centaur that looks like he's in command. He then draws out his lightsaber and turns it on.)

Peter: We have come to see Obi-Wan.

Orius: You won't find any Obi-Wan here. I guess the PA system was right. You are court jesters.

(The Narnians that are behind them laugh while the Beaver couple shrugs to each other and Susan looks at Peter in question of what to do.)

Mr. Beaver to Peter: Well, since that idea never worked, how about asking for Aslan.

(Peter nods and holds up his lightsaber again.)

Peter: We have come to see Aslan.

Orius: Aslan is not in the mood, nor is he willing to see such interesting court jesters.

(A deep-rich voice comes from the tent.)

Aslan: I'M NOT, ORIUS?

(Orius chuckles nervously.)

Orius: My lord. I didn't know you were awake.

(Aslan then comes out. The great lion. Emperor of everything, king of the underworld….well, he's emperor of everything and I (the author of this comedy) will not lay it out in such royal titles. Aslan then looks at the Pevensies and the Narnian crowd behind them.)

Aslan: Bow down….to me.

(All the Narnians seem to then remember to bow down and they do. The Beaver couple bow down also including the Pevensies. When Peter bows down he sticks his lightsaber into the ground. The lightsaber goes all the way into the ground and up to the handle.)

Aslan: Welcome, Peter son of Adam, and welcome Susan and Lucy, you have my thanks.

Susan: Why are you thanking us, sir?

Aslan: I'm thanking you for pestering your older brother all the way here during your perilous journey. Pestering him will make a man out of him.

(Lucy coughs; but not in sickness.)

Mr. Beaver: Uh, sire…I thought my wife and I got thanks also.

(Mr. Beaver chuckles nervously.)

Aslan: Oh I'm very sorry to hear that. Thank you He-Beaver and She-Beaver, you have my lion-litter to sleep on.

(Mr. and Mrs. Beaver grow disappointed.)

Mr. Beaver whispers to Mrs. Beaver: I like the Narnia movie better then the Narnia book.

Mrs. Beaver whispers: Yeah. I agree.

Aslan to the Pevensies: But where is the fourth?

Peter: That's why we've come sir. We've made a terrible mistake.

(Peter turns off his lightsaber and puts the handle on his belt.)

Faun 1 whispers to Centaur 8: Have they made a terrible mistake coming here? Have they lost directions to highway something?

Centaur 8 whispers to Faun 1: They've probably made a mistake about something else.

Faun 1: Oh.

Mr. Beaver hesitatingly: He…took some twinkies from them and given it to the White Witch, your majesty.

Orius indignantly: Then he has taken all of our twinkies!

Aslan growls: Peace, Orius. I'm sure there is a explanation to this.

Peter: I'm sorry. I forced him to come with us into Narnia.

Susan: We all forced him.

Mr. Beaver mumbles: Except me and my wife.

Lucy: Please sir, he's our brother-in-arms.

Aslan: I know little one. But this may be more easy then you think.

(Peter then dresses up in Narnian attire and looks from a hill top at a building that is shining like sun on gold.)

Aslan: That is Cair Cavelier. The mighty city where you, your brother, and your sisters will sit on its four thrones. Is there something wrong?

Peter: Yes. There are many things wrong. My brother has stolen my twinkies, Father Christmas has stolen my sister's hair dryer, my…

Aslan: Father Christmas has stolen it?

Peter: Yes.

Aslan mumbles to himself: I'll turn him into a chammelion the next time I see him. He'll steal other things with his tongue and not his hand.

Peter: Aslan, I'm not who you think I am.

Aslan: Peter, citizen of Finchley, and court jester and heir to the throne of Narnia…you doubt the prophecy?

Peter: Yes.

Aslan: WHAT?

(Aslan then calms himself down.)

Aslan: Well, at least you've brought your family this far.

Peter: Not far enough and not all of them.

Aslan: Peter, I'll do everything I can to give your family a HMMV and get your brother, Edmund, back. I too want to see my family safe.

Peter: How many are in your family?

Aslan thinking: Well let's see…I have a nephew named Scar, and another nephew named Simba, and…oh…there's Tweetie.

Peter: You have a niece named, Tweetie?

Aslan: Well, she's not exactly my niece…I adopted her.

(Meanwhile, Lucy and Susan are looking at their dresses that they are wearing and that they have.)

Susan: These dresses are very beautiful.

Lucy: We should bring mum some. A whole eighteen-wheeler full!

Susan: If we ever see mum again. I'm sorry Lucy. We used to have fun together!

Lucy: Yeah. Until you got boring.

Susan: Oh really.

(Susan then splashes water at Lucy and Lucy splashes back at Susan. They then go up to go get towels. Susan goes into a tent and find Maugrim and his men munching and tearing up the towels.)

Maugrim to Susan: Sorry. We're hungry. And we've come a long way. So we just prefer to eat these towels and kill you quickly.

(Susan looks for something to alert Peter and sees her horn hanging from a hunting party seat. She then grabs a handful of leaves and blinds Maugrim. She then blows her horn. Peter hears it.)

Peter: Susan!

(Peter then runs to the direction of the noise. Lucy and Susan are in a tree and there legs are dangling down. Superman then comes flying out from space and comes to the "rescue". Maugrim and his friends (which are about four of them) turn their attention to Superman.)

Maugrim to Superman: Come on! We've been through this before! I…think.

Superman: I'm Superman. And I'm invincible.

Maugrim to Superman: Well then, your going to die!

Superman to Susan: Aren't you going to tell me to, "Watch out"?

Maugrim to Superman: Like a dog!

(Maugrim jumps past Superman and rips his cape down. Maurgim starts tearing it up and eating it while his friends watch him. Superman looks at what Maugrim has done.)

Superman: You…imbecile!

(Peter then arrives on the scene.)

Peter: Get back!

(Peter turns on his lightsaber and does a Jedi move. Maugrim stops eating what's left of Superman's cape and he and his friends start circling around Superman and Peter.)

Maugrim: Come on! We've been through this before! But we know you haven't got it in you!

Peter to Maugrim: We've never been through this before. I've never come to rescue Superman's cape.

(Superman sniffs and a tear comes from his face.)

Superman mumbles: And I thought you were my friend.

Susan to Peter: Watch out!

(Superman thinks that Susan is talking to him.)

Superman to Susan: Why thank you for your warning!

Peter to Superman: She was talking to me you weakling!

Superman: Shucks.

(While Maugrim is keeping Peter distracted, two of Maugrim's wolf friends get pushed down to the ground by Aslan's two front paws. Aslan then sees that there are two more and starts dragging the two wolves that are under his paws with him. He then gets in the way where Maugrim's two other friends are circling and pushes them down with his back feet. Orius and other talking animals arrive on the scene.)

Aslan groaning: Wait. This is Peter's battle.

Orius to Aslan: Is something wrong my lord?

Aslan: I'm just groaning because it's hard to hold down four wolves under four feet.

Maugrim to Peter: Now everybody knows that your going to die…

(Orius sees what Maugrim is about to do and rides up behind Peter.)

Maugrim to Peter: Like a dog!

(Maugrim jumps at Peter but accidentally misses him and goes over his head. Orius's eyes widen and he holds out his sword in front of him. Maugrim lands on the sword and stays there. Orius then rides this way and that, trying to balance a heavy wolf on one sword. He then lays it on top of Peter, just when he was about to get up from his fright. When Peter pushes it off, he thinks he killed it. Aslan then lets go of two wolves.)

Aslan to Orius: Follow them. They will lead you to Edmund.

(Orius nods and a score of talking animals with him go off into the woods to find Edmund.)

Aslan to Peter: Peter…

Peter to Aslan: Just a moment sir. I didn't get a hug from my two sisters yet.

(Susan and Lucy are already down from the tree and go over to Peter and start hugging him, crying over him and whimpering, clipping his nails, combing his hair, and Aslan starts to get impatient.)

Aslan to Peter: Peter…clean your lightsaber.

(Peter turns off his lightsaber and then turns it back on. And he then kneels in front of Aslan. Aslan puts his paw on his shoulder (which weighs Peter down heavily and nearly breaks his shoulder) and then takes it off.)

Aslan thinking of a good title: Rise…Sir Peter…Beaglesbane. Knight of Narnia.

Peter to Aslan: But those weren't beagles sir.

Aslan: I know. But since you're a court jester from Finchley, I just thought that I'd give you a court jestery title.

(When Aslan leaves to go rest in his tent, Susan and Lucy stand around him and ask if he's all right and cuddle under his arms.)

Peter: Why did Orius and some of the talking animals go into the forest?

Lucy: Because Aslan said so.

Peter: I wonder why he did it.

Lucy: So that you would get the glory of killing Maugrim and not Orius.

Peter: What would Orius have to do with me killing Maugrim.

Susan hesitatingly: Orius…well he…killed Maugrim and laid the carcass on you.

Peter screams: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Meanwhile, about 20 miles from Aslan's camp, is the White Witch's camp. Edmund (who's stone right now) has been tied to a tree, just to make sure he doesn't escape and Rambo has nothing else to do and so he circles around Edmund.)

Rambo: Is the stone prince comfortable? Does he need his tie tightened? Special treatment for the special boy!

(Rambo then remembers that Edmund is a stone statue. He then gets tired of talking to a stone statue and goes to talk with some of the minotaurs. A quarter of a mile away, Otmin, general of the White Witch's army and personal bodyguard for her, is talking about how they will attack the Narnians.)

Otmin: The minotaurs will take the left flank. The giants will be held in reserve.

White Witch: Tell me. Why must the minotaurs take the left flank?

(Otmin wonders why the White Witch asks him that question.)

Otmin: Because…it would work better for us.

White Witch: Have every single creature run by itself. No standard position. All creatures mixed.

(Otmin nods. Maugrim's two friends come into the camp. And at the same time, Orius and his men come in. They slaughter several hundred men while Orius and some of the fauns look for Edmund. They see a hooded figure crouching near a fire with some minotaurs that seem to be guarding the figure. The fauns attack them while Orius throws a sack over the hooded figure's head and ties it and then puts the figure on his back and rides off to Aslan's camp with the rest of the Narnians. Otmin and the White Witch hear the cries of their men.)

Otmin: The prisoner!

(Otmin and the White Witch go to investigate and find Rambo tied to a tree with his camouflage cap stuck with his bowie knife. The White Witch looks on Rambo with disgust and pulls out his bowie knife. The cap falls on Rambo's head. The White Witch then slices the ropes that bind Rambo's body and then drops the knife.)

Rambo to White Witch: You're not going to kill me. Are you?

White Witch thinking: Hmmmm. Not yet.

(White Witch then turns around face to face with Otmin. She then waves her hand in front of her face with a look of disgust.)

White Witch: Phooey! Man. When's the last time you took a shower?

(Otmin grunts.)

Otmin: When I was half your size.

(White Witch narrows her eyes at Otmin.)

White Witch: We have work to do.

Otmin: What kind of work?

White Witch: Math!

Otmin: Oooooh. My favorite.

White Witch: I didn't mean that.

(Meanwhile, the next morning, Peter, Lucy & Susan walk out of a pavilion in Aslan's camp and see Aslan talking with a goblin. Lucy looks at Peter.)

Lucy: Where is Edmund?

Peter: I'm afraid, Aslan found the wrong person.

(The goblin looks to see Peter, Lucy & Susan. Aslan and the goblin then go down the hill that they are talking on and get to the valley floor.)

Aslan: What's done is done. There is no need for anyone to talk about the past.

Peter: But this isn't Edmund.

(Aslan goes cross eyed.)

Aslan: What?

Peter: I'm sure that you can see we are not related to goblins.

(Aslan growls.)

Aslan: I never said you were. Orius!

(Orius comes riding up.)

Orius: Yes, Aslan?

(Aslan steps on Orius's hoof. Orius groans and grits his teeth from the pain.)

Aslan: You are supposed to say, "Yes your majesty?" not by my name.

Orius continues groaning: I get it.

Aslan: Now go find Edmund.

(Aslan gets his paw off of Orius's hoof. Orius points to the goblin.)

Orius: Isn't that Edmund?

Aslan: Of course not! I don't want a stinky-smelly odorant snorting goblin sitting in Cair Cavalier. Now go find Edmund!

Orius whimpers: All by myself?

Aslan: Well it is your problem. You got the wrong person.

(The goblin makes a break for it and runs into the woods.)

Aslan: After him! He'll lead you to Edmund!

(Orius is about to ride away, when Aslan bites on his tail which keeps Orius from riding anywhere.)

Orius: What did you do that for?

(Aslan lets go of his tail.)

Aslan: Listen to me! Look out and get the right person whose name is Edmund! He has been turn to stone from what I can smell.

Orius: How could you know that?

Aslan: I can smell 107 pounds of extra stone in Narnia. And I'm guessing that is Edmund.

Lucy cries: Oh Edmund.

(Orius is about to ride away but Aslan stops him from riding by biting on his tail.)

Orius: Oww! What did you do that for?

Aslan: Listen to me!

Orius mumbles: I am already doing that. Would you please stop biting my tail?

Aslan: Look after Edmund while he is still stone. For if I find a crack on his body, it will be the worst for you!

Orius: Well who ever heard of me treating my own enemy…friends I mean, with a wild and destructive spirit? Why I'd treat him like my own dear children.

Aslan: That's likely enough to be true.

(Orius then leaves and the next morning, Edmund is with Aslan who has just turned from stone to a living being. Aslan talks with Edmund for a while and then takes him to his brother and sisters. Aslan's eyes are blood shot.)

Aslan growls: What's done is done. Now lets get on with our business! There is no reason or excuse to talk to Edmund about the present. You can blame him for the past or future!

(Aslan leaves Edmund alone with his brother and sisters.)

Edmund to Peter: What's up?

(Aslan turns his head around.)

Aslan: Edmund! Didn't I tell you to not use that street talk?

Edmund: No. You said I wasn't supposed to use White Witch language or anything like that.

(Aslan growls quietly and leaves. Lucy hugs Edmund and so does Susan.)

Peter to Edmund: You should go get some rest. And I need to talk with you for a while.

(Edmund nods and goes over with Peter to one of the pavilions. They walk inside and then Peter lets out all his anger and frustration against Edmund.)

Peter: You slack-jawed, beef and cheese eating, and mouth breathing imbecile! I should have put marawana in your chocolate milk, months ago. Give me one reason, why I shouldn't dispose of you right now?

Edmund thinking: Well, I got this.

(Edmund holds up the Witch's wand. Peter forgets his anger.)

Peter: How did you get that?

Edmund: I got it when I touched the Witch's Wand. I did that on purpose so that the wand stuck to me and it wouldn't come out unless Aslan turned me back from stone.

(Peter calms himself.)

Peter: Well then, I forgive you. Because that's the kind of person I am. Humble, a humble King.

Edmund: You're just like the Witch when she said that to Rambo. You're not noble like any King.

(Edmund then goes to bed.)

(Hours later, Edmund is dressed in Narnian clothes and is seated at a table with his brother and sisters; eating toast and eggs. Edmund then stops eating.)

Edmund: I should stop eating. There needs to be enough for all to get back to the refrigerator. I guess I should save.

Peter: Save for what?

Edmund: For the journey home.

(Lucy smiles.)

Lucy: Don't worry Ed. Narnia's not going to run out of toast.

Peter: Then I'll guess they'll have something packed up for the journey.

Susan to Peter: We're leaving?

Peter: You are. Mum told me to watch over you. But that doesn't mean I can't stay behind and help.

Lucy: They need us.

Peter: Lucy, it's too dangerous. You almost drowned. Ed was almost killed.

Edmund: That's why we must stay. I've seen what the White Witch can do. And I've helped her do it. But we can't leave them to fight her alone.

(Susan sighs.)

Susan: Well then…I guess that's it.

(Susan gets up.)

Peter to Susan: Where are you going?

(Susan grabs her bow and quiver.)

Susan: To get some practice.

Edmund: I've never heard of a weapon or food called "practice".

(Susan and Lucy head over to the archery field. There, for targets, are six bulls. Not talking bulls of course. Susan shoots an arrow but misses the bull by half an inch. Lucy gasps and then pulls out her stiletto. She throws it and it hits the bull right between the eyes but doesn't go through it's skull. The bull starts pawing the ground and gets angry. But before it charges, Peter and Edmund come riding along and slice the bull on both sides of the neck. The bull falls down dead and Edmund and Peter continue fighting.)

Peter: Come on Ed. Sword point, up. Like Orius showed us.

Edmund: Hung guard!

(Peter stops fighting and gasps.)

Peter: What guard?

Edmund: I didn't tell you to hang any guard!

(Edmund's horse then rears up.)

Edmund: Whoa, horsey!

Philip the Horse: My name, is Philip.

Edmund: Oh, sorry.

(Mr. Beaver comes running towards Edmund and Peter)

Mr. Beaver turns to Peter and bows: Your highness. (*Beaver turns to Edmund*) Your lowness.

Edmund: Hey, that's not fair.

Mr. Beaver: The witch has summoned Aslan to a council.

Edmund: Well you won't find her hear if I can't help it.

Peter: Really?

Edmund: Yes. (turns to Beaver) Where?

Peter: When?

Mr. Beaver: Yes. At Aslan's Camp. It's going to be held at 3:00.

(The four Pevensies and Mr. Beaver come to Aslan's camp and find Rambo shouting at the top of his lungs,)

Rambo: Jadis. The Queen of Charn and Narn. Empress of the Lone Islands, Archenland, Calormen, Ramandu's Island, Goldwater Island, Burnt Island, the Seven Isles, Ettinsmore, Harfang, Shallowland, Bism, and everything that is in this stupid world.

(The witch comes into Aslan's camp riding a quad with ogres riding motorcycles around her. She stops her quad and gets off and looks at Edmund and then stares at Aslan. Aslan smiles cheerfully.)

Aslan: How was the ride?

Jadis: It was rough.

Aslan: Well, my creation was not against you.

Jadis pointing to her brain: Have you forgotten how big your I.Q is?

Aslan: Let's say, I have forgotten it.

(All the Narnians gasp.)

Aslan: Tell us about this I.Q of mine.

(Jadis screams.)

Jadis: Do not tell me how to tell you on how big your I.Q is! I was there when it was written!

Aslan: Don't you dare scream with me! Or else I will sing so high that the sky will fall on you.

Jadis: You got that wrong Aslan. If you scream the world will perish in fire and water.

Edmund to Mr. Beaver: Why are they arguing with each other?

Mr. Beaver: It's a battle of wits they are doing. Seeing who is the smartest.

(Jadis points to Edmund but Beaver thinks she is pointing at him.)

Jadis: That animal will die on the stone table! As is tradition!

Mr. Beaver: I'm too innocent to die. I'd rather die on my damn then on a cold stone table.

Edmund mumbles: I think she was talking to me. She must have read the Origin of Peek-Peeks.

Aslan: Enough. I will talk to the witch alone.

(Ogre draws his sword.)

Ogre 9: Try and talk to her here then.

(Orius draws his swords.)

Aslan to Ogre 9: Do you think that mere force will deny me my right, little thing.

(Ogre growls. Jadis then holds her head high and walks with Aslan into his tent. The Narnians wait for a while and hear smackings and roars and screams and fire coming out of the tent. After a moment of silence, Jadis comes out of the tent with her hair all puffed up and slightly scorched and her skirt melted into a solid crisp. Aslan follows her with all his hair gone and leaving only pink skin. Aslan thinks for a while.)

Aslan: She has renounced her sue case for her dress on the son of Adam.

(The Narnians start cheering and joy starts spreading through the ranks. The witch gets on her quad.)

Jadis: How will I know when this promise will be kept?

Aslan: I'll send it to you be email.

Jadis: And who is going to repair my dress?

Aslan growls: When I repair mine.

Jadis: But you don't have a dress.

Aslan: My skin you idiot!

Jadis coolly: Oh. I'm sorry.

(Aslan roars and Jadis becomes afraid and starts riding away on her four wheeler while the Ogres follow her on their motorcycles. The Narnians start cheering again. But Lucy notices that Aslan is sad. But since I don't want to mention or make fun of the gruesome death of Aslan, I will skip to the eve of battle. Peter comes out of Aslan's tent solemnly and meets with Orius and Edmund who are standing around a map.)

Peter: She's right. He's raptured.

Edmund: Then you'll have to lead us.

(Peter looks at Edmund.)

Edmund: Peter, there's a tribulation coming. And it's going to follow you.

Peter: But it won't.

Edmund: Aslan believed it would. So do I.

Orius to Peter: The Witch's army is nearing sire. What are your orders?

(Several hours later, a griffin is flying over a battlefield toward the Narnian lines. It lands next to Peter and says,)

Griffin 1: They come your highness. In weapons and technology far greater then our own.

Orius: Technology does not win a battle.

Peter: No. But I bet it helps.

(Peter and Orius gaze off into the distance. The animals start growling and snarling. They then see Otmin come over the hill. He roars and lifts his axe. The Narnians then see a whole host of the White Witch's creatures. Dwarves carry MP5's with scopes on them. Minotaurs carry maces or brass knuckles. The rest carry "fair combat" weapons. But among these creatures, is a line of tanks. These stop at the outcropping. The Witch is ridding in one of the tanks with Rambo. Peter then draws his sword and the Narnians start shouting in war-like manner.)

Jadis to Otmin: I have no interest in POW's. Kill them all.

(Otmin then rallies his army and they start moving in. The creatures start running, while the tanks start rolling. Peter then gives the signal and the griffins start flying through the air, carrying Gun-gun electric balls, and they drop it on the Witch's army. Many die and all the tanks (besides the one the Witch is riding in) get destroyed but the dwarves get into action and start shooting the griffins out of the air. Griffin 1 calls off attack.)

Peter to Orius: Are you with me?

Orius: I always am. Even unto death.

(Peter then turns on his lightsaber.)

Peter: For Narnia! And for Aslan!

(Peter rears his horse and falls off. Orius doesn't notice and rides on, leading the army past Peter. Peter gets on his horse and catches up with Orius. Otmin moves his troops forward still. The lines eventually meet and crash into each other. Centaurs start killing minotaurs, and minotaurs kill the centaurs. They continue fighting and then the Witch moves the other half of her army forward. Edmund then gives the signal. A centaur turns on the ignition and pipes full of propane that are hidden under the ground, light and create a wall of fire. The Narnians start cheering. But the wall of fire is soon extinguished. They see that minotaurs brought up machines full of nitrogen and extinguished the flames. Peter then sees the Witch come on.)

Peter: Fall back! Fall back to the rocks!

(The army falls back to the rocks and then the centaurs start firing machine guns. Many minotaurs and other creatures fall dead. As Peter is riding by one of the ledges, Rambo fires a pistol and kills his horse which throws Peter off. Orius and a rhinoceros see that Peter is down. They then see the Witch's tank. They both charge at it.)

Peter to Orius: Stop!

(But they continue onward. The Rhino brings down many creatures, but gets his tendon sliced when three ankle slicers run past him. Orius jumps over the Rhino and kills Mr. Freeze. Otmin charges at him but his axe gets knocked out of his hand. Otmin starts riding on Orius.)

Otmin to Orius: Are you ready?

Orius: Yeah.

(Both charge at the Witch. Jadis then sees that her best general has betrayed her. She then starts waving her sword and wand and she kills Otmin and turns Orius into stone and throws him through the air and through a ledge which knocks off loose dirt and stone onto the Narnians. Peter then turns to Edmund.)

Peter: Edmund! There's too many of them! This is no place for a hobbit!

Edmund: Hey, I'm not a hobbit!

Peter: Get the girls! Get out of here! And get them home!

(Peter continues fighting. Beaver pulls him away from the battle.)

Mr. Beaver: You heard him! Let's go!

(The Witch gets out of her tank and heads for Peter. Edmund draws out a double lightsaber.)

Mr. Beaver: Peter said get out of here!

Edmund: I'm not "lowness" anymore.

(The Witch then meets up with Peter. Peter turns around and sees the Witch. He tries to use the Force on her but it doesn't work. She pulls out a wooden wand, stolen from Harry Potter himself, and turns Peter into stone.)

Edmund: Peter!

(Edmund pushes Beaver away and charges down the hill. The witch continues turning Narnians into stone. He yells and jumps down and misses in cutting her wand. She then tries to turn Edmund into stone. Edmund dodges and cuts her wand. Everything goes dark for the world of Harry Potter, but in Narnia, a golden light seeps into the world before disappearing. The Witch then starts playing with Edmund. Edmund uses his double lightsaber, but he cannot get the Witch down.)

Edmund to Jadis: How come my lightsaber does not cut your sword in half?

Jadis: Mine is made out of a special magic that no Star War weapon can hurt it.

(Edmund becomes angry and continues fighting with her. They both pause when they hear a roar. They see Aslan half a mile away. He has his hair back, Lucy and Susan are there, and the army of the dead is behind him. Some minotaurs stop fighting and only see Lucy and Susan there. They become happy and start charging at them.)

Lucy: There's plenty for the both of us! May the best sis, win!

(The Dead then appear and start charging down on the Witch's army and start obliterating it. The Witch furiously starts attacking Edmund. She then grabs Edmund's double lightsaber and pierces it though his shoulder. Pinned down, Edmund tries to dodge her weapon, but she then pins him down with a spear. She then is about to kill him, but Aslan jumps on her and, alas, bites her head off. Aslan then turns to Edmund solemnly and says,)

Aslan: She tasted horrible.

(Susan and Lucy then meet up with Edmund.)

Susan: Where's Peter?

(They then see that Peter has been turned to stone, and that Rambo hasn't even noticed that they have been defeated. He is putting a price tag on Peter to sell in Calormen. But as he is doing so, he turns and Susan shoots him. He cries out and falls down dead. They then turn to Peter. Lucy opens her bottle and pours one drop of Buddumber between the gaping stone lips of Peter. They then hear his heart pumping. Aslan then comes along and breathes on him. Peter turns from stone to a living being and he then sees it is Aslan. Aslan then moves to another stone statue and breathes on it. It turns back into a living Narnian. Aslan then sees the Pevensie children hugging each other.)

Aslan: Lucy, there are others to care for.

Lucy whining: I know. Wait a minute.

Aslan mumbles to himself: I like the movie better then this complaining from a future queen of Narnia.

(Several weeks later, and the Pevensie children are in Cair Cavalier with all Narnia assembled there. They walk up to their thrones and stand in front of them.)

Aslan: To the great eastern sea, I give you Queen Lucy the Valiant.

Mr. Beaver: I've got a bid.

(Mrs. Beaver steps on her husbands toe.)

Mrs. Beaver: Beaver!

Mr. Beaver: What?

Aslan: To the Western Woods, I give you King Edmund the Just.

Mr. Beaver: They've got a statue in his honor in New York.

Mrs. Beaver: That's the statue of Liberty. And that statue is a She!

Aslan: To the Prince Rabadash in Tashban, I give you Queen Susan the Gentle.

Mr. Beaver: I wouldn't want to marry anyone in a city called Trashcan.

Mrs. Beaver: That's Tashban, Beaver!

Mr. Beaver: Would you stop correcting me?

Aslan: And to the great Northern Sky, I give you King Peter the Magnificent. May your graces live until everybody cries, "The sky is falling."

All the Narnians cry: The sky is falling!

Aslan growls: Not yet!

Mr. Beaver complaining: But I don't want them to reign forever. I'll get tired and old.

Aslan and the Narnians: Long live Father Christmas! Long live King Peter! Long live King Edmund! Long live Queen Susan! Long live Queen Lucy!

Aslan: And long live me.

All the Narnians: And long live me.

Aslan growls: Not you!

(Hours later. Lucy comes to the balcony and sees Aslan walking away on the beach. Tumnus comes up and sees her worried.)

Tumnus: Don't worry. He'll be back.

Lucy: When?

Tumnus: In time. One minute he's there, the next minute he's raptured. But that musn't distress you. After all, he is more powerful then the anti-aslan.

Lucy: No. But he is good.

Tumnus: Here. (*Tumnus pulls out a handkerchief.) You need this more than I do.

(Lucy takes the handkerchief and looks out on the beach. But she only finds a pile of fur and lion's mane. She gasps and looks at Tumnus. Tumnus chuckles nervously and leaves her.)

(20 or more years later. The four Pevensie children are riding after a boy who is carrying a lamp; though the woods of Lantern Waste. Edmund slows down his horse and looks at him.)

Edmund: Are you alright, Philip?

Philip the Horse: Not as young as I once was.

(Lucy, Susan, and Peter ride up.)

Lucy: Come on, Ed. Why are you not riding after Aladdin?

Edmund: Because I'd much rather lazy around and watch him on the cartoons.

Lucy: What did he say Susan when we left the castle?

Susan imitating Edmund's voice: You girls stay her at the castle. I'll go after Aladdin myself.

(The Pevensies chuckle. Peter then looks and sees an electric lamp that is covered in Poison Ivy. They get off their horses and look at it.)

Peter: What is this? It looks familiar.

Lucy: Like a dream. Or a dream within a dream. Spare Doom.

(Lucy starts heading into the brush.)

Peter: Lucy!

Susan: Not again!

Lucy: Come on!

Susan: You've got to be joking.

Edmund: Hey! That used to be something I said a long time ago.

(They then start coming into thicker brush.)

Peter groaning: These isn't Poison Ivy.

Susan: It's Poison Oak.

Peter: Ugh! Susan we'd better get out of here.

Lucy: These aren't branches.

Edmund: They're radiation jackets.

Peter: Edmund that was my line!

Edmund: I wish you would stop criticizing me!

Susan: I want to go home!

Lucy: It's too crowded.

(The four Pevensie's then stumble right through the refrigerator and into the room. Professor Kirk, or Digory, then opens the door with a cricket ball in his hand.)

Digory: Ah. There you are. What were you all doing in the refrigerator?

Peter: You wouldn't believe us if we told you so.

(Digory throws the cricket ball to Peter.)

Digory: Try me!