A/N: Be gentle? I wrote this one about two years ago, to satisfy a Loveless craving... Can't remember what exactly prompted the story, but I seem to recall Ritsuka asking Soubi this question at least once during the series somewhere. I might be wrong... Could just be my imagination. Unbetaed, so any mistakes are my own.
Obviously, I don't own Loveless. If I did, Ritsuka wouldn't have fought Soubi off for so long. But that is just me... -shrugs-
Now... On with the story:
I am sitting alone on the floor of my bedroom, working on a painting. Kio was right. I do paint pretty things when I'm upset. I can't help it. I paint pretty things in an attempt to make myself feel better. Well it isn't working this time. I can't seem to rid myself of the sick feeling in my gut. I hurt Ritsuka earlier. He thought I was lying to him. I could see it in his eyes, right before he turned his back on me. I can't decide which hurts worse, the tears I saw in his eyes before he told me to leave or the realization that he didn't believe me.
"I was telling the truth," I whisper harshly into the emptiness of the apartment. "I was telling the truth, and it's not my fault that he didn't believe me."
The words feel like lies, even as they descend from my lips. I know I told Ritsuka the truth. But the truth hurt him so much. I wish I could just take back what I said, wish I could have given him a kind lie instead. Better yet, I wish he had never asked me that question. Then I wouldn't have had to hurt him at all. His soft, beautiful voice still rings in my ears, a little uncertainly, as though he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.
"What were you to Seimei?" he asked me.
Why that question? Any other question I would have readily answered for my beloved little kitten! Any. Other. Question. But my little kitten just had to choose the question that would shatter his pristine picture of his older brother. I could see the look in his eyes in the silence that followed the words. I could read the silent, painful plea in the beautiful liquid pools of chocolate brown that stared up at me. 'Please, tell me something sweet. Tell me something kind.'
But I couldn't. Holding him in my arms, I couldn't muster the strength to find a lie to cushion his pristine portrait of Seimei.
"I was a tool to him, just like everything and everyone else."
The coarseness of my answer surprised even me. I wasn't that coarse about the way Seimei treated me when Seimei was still alive. Was I? I can't remember. I find myself centering my life around my young kitten more and more. I laugh to myself softly, standing up and walking over to the board on the wall above my bed. I remember the afternoon we took these, as I reach out to touch the edge of one of the pictures tacked up there. It's my favorite of all the ones we've taken so far. Ritsuka is facing the camera, but not looking at it. His head is cocked to one side and he is laughing at something. I think he was thinking of Seimei.
I find myself jealous now when I think of the influence Seimei had on my little kitten, the ways Seimei could protect him, that I can't. He is still so protective of that woman. I don't understand it. But I suppose she is his mother, the only mother he's ever known. I suppose he doesn't know any other way for her to be, so he loves her in hopes that one day, she'll wake up and love him back. Well if I have my way, I'll have my beloved little kitten out of that house soon. I hate every day that goes by that he is in danger in that woman's house. I hate it!
Suddenly the door bangs open and Ritsuka is standing there. He is crying and screaming at me and as I run to him and hit my knees, wrapping my arms around his thin waist, his slim arms wrapping around my shoulders, his words reach my ears…
"Names don't matter! The past doesn't matter! All that matters is you and me! All that matters is that we are together! No one can separate us! It doesn't matter if Seimei is alive, it doesn't matter what you were to him! All that matters is that you are here with me and that I love you and I won't let anything come between us!"
My heart swells at these words, and I hug him tighter, wishing there was some way to get us even closer. One of his small hands tangles in my hair and the other cups my cheek as he lowers his head, at the same time bringing mine up toward his. Our lips meet and my heart soars. He kisses me so sweetly, awkwardly, tender, fleeting kisses, and then buries his face in my neck. He is whispering something, repeating himself over and over again into my neck. I cup his chin in my hand and lift his beautiful face to kiss the tears off his cheeks, and as I do so, I realize what he is saying.
"I'm sorry, Soubi, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry…," repeating himself over and over again.
Those words, that heartrending apology for what he didn't do, break my heart. As I stand up, picking him up with me, and carry him over to my bed, he sees the tears falling down my own cheeks.
"Soubi, stop crying, what's wrong?" he asks, sniffling and wiping away his tears. He begins kissing my tears away, trying to make me stop crying.
"Ritsuka," I finally whisper softly, "You did nothing wrong. Don't apologize. Hearing you apologizing for my mistakes breaks my heart."
He looks up at me and smiles a little. "Then you can't apologize either, Soubi. Promise?"
I look at my little kitten, startled for a moment, then nod. Leaning up, I seal the promise with a kiss that I, for one, will remember for a lifetime. My little kitten smiles, then pushes me backwards and curls up in my arms. He kisses me one more time, and then buries his face in my chest. I wrap my arms around his thin, beautiful frame and watch him sleep till my own eyes grow heavy. Just before sleep over takes me, I press a chaste kiss upon my gentle little beloved's forehead and murmur a promise, perhaps to him, perhaps to myself.
"Soon. Soon, we will be one."