Chapter 1: Scared
I had made up my mind. I knew I had to go to him. He is my best friend after all. Even if we had fallen out lately… okay… so maybe it had been more than just lately. To be honest it had been nearly 8 months since we had any contact of any kind. But I didn't care. He was in trouble and I knew I had to go, so I made my choice, and if you know anything about me at all then you know once I make a choice I stick with you no matter what the consequences.
"Bella?!" I shivered at the sound of my name as Edward spoke it. It drove me crazy that he still had that affect on me. In a good way of course.
"Mmm" I answered absentmindedly, "yeah?"
"I know what you're thinking Bella. I can see it…"
"WHAT!" I gasped, " You can't read my mind… I thought I was…"
"I don't need to read your mind Bella, to know what you are thinking." He interrupted calmly in that all too velvety voice, " I can just look at you and tell you are worried, about him. I know you care for him. I am not blind to that emotion. I love you Bella Swan. I promise you I am going to protect you with my life and as much as I hate to say it… I know he would too. He love's you as much as I do. I can see it. I want to tell you something but I don't want you to get mad. So I need you to promise me that. I think it's important that you know before you go flying out there half cocked," I shook my head, it's all I could manage to do. He had never spoken so openly like this about this subject. Not about Jacob Black. He continued, "He comes here, to be near you. I can hear his thoughts. It made me mad at first, but now I know after I listened to him think about you for a while, that he only wants you to be safe and happy. He is trying to come to terms with your choice. He just wants to be near you Bella but he's afraid that first he will hurt you if he gets angry enough and that second he will hurt you by hurting me or my family," all I could do was stare at him in bewilderment. I didn't know what to think or what to feel.
"We are a lot alike he and I, we both love a woman who would be better off without us," he finished and walked to the window to look out at the rare crystal clear night that had formed over head. The moon was full and bright and the stars were glittering around it. I walked over to him and put my hands around his beautifully icy torso from behind. He gave a shutter at my touch, a completely involuntary and completely human thing to do. I spared a small inner smile at it. He pulled me around to face him and leaned down to kiss my forehead. I glanced up at him through the top of my eyes not lifting my head all the way to look at him directly. He smiled his crooked smile which I loved, and kissed me gently. I, as always, pushed him a little more and a little more each time we kissed. It was very dangerous for me to do that and I knew it, but I wanted to feel him near me so badly. I didn't really care what the repercussions would be.
He pulled away and clenched his jaw until I thought it may break, but instead of pushing me away and pacing up wind of me and my sweet smelling blood he kissed me again and harder. I relished it. I opened my eyes to look at him as he kissed me and I had to pull away. His eyes were turning right there in front of me, from the liquid golden honey to the deep flat black. Had I done it? Had I pushed him too far this time. I thought maybe once I stopped the kiss his eyes may turn back but they didn't he just kept looking at me. And I had a flash back of my first day at Forks High School. It scared me. I backed away slowly and he matched my steps. I had to struggle to keep my heart and pulse under control because that would only make his thirst for me that much harder. As I stepped back I tripped and fell over my rug. I didn't even hit the ground. He caught me and picked me up before I even knew what he was doing. We were out the window of my room and on the ground heading into the woods behind my house. I was so scared that I couldn't speak. All I could do was stare at him and not look around and the blur going past my eyes.
Finally I found my voice and tried to hide the fear in it unsuccessfully, "Edward? Please stop. I am going to be sick if you don't," I lied, but it worked. He stopped and that is what made me convulse with sickness. When I looked up to see if he was ok or if he was still going to kill me, he was gone. I sat there and sobbed for what seemed like an hour or more but it was probably more like a few minutes. I was safe but still scared. I knew he was still there watching me, protecting me. I could feel his eyes on me. I was still afraid he may not be able to stop himself. I wanted him to change me, not to kill me. I stood up and looked around at my surroundings. I may have to get myself out of the forest this time. There would be no one to come and get me this time unless Edward was able to control himself. I wanted him to be able to but the look in his eyes had done some damage. I also knew that if he had really wanted to kill me he would have done it right there in my room and not taken me away. The monster inside him was struggling to come to fruition but he was fighting it. Just like he had the first time he smelled me.
I took another deep breath and started to walk slowly toward the way I thought we had come from. I could not be sure of course as I was not paying attention to that. He stepped out in my path and fell to his knees in front of me with his head in his hands. He was… sobbing… I was confused. I knew he couldn't really cry but here he was sobbing uncontrollably. I wasn't sure at first if I should approach him or not but I went to him nonetheless. As I came within his reach he put his hands out and grabbed hold of me gently and pulled me close to him so his head was buried in me waist. I shivered from the cold and from his touch. It was oddly warm… or was it just my temperature rising again from the enticing thought of actually being with him, fully with him. I put my hands around him and knelt before him. He sagged and lay his head against my chest listening to my heart beat. It was my turn to put my finger under his chin and pull his face to look at me. I had to see his eyes. When he looked at me they were still black but this time they were not the eyes of the thirsty angry monster inside him but him, my Edward.
"I'm so sorry Edward, I should not have…" his finger was on my lips stopping me from finishing my sentence.
"It's not your fault. Don't apologize Bella. I am actually glad that that happened because now… now I know that I can stop myself if I get to that point."
"What point were you at Edward?" I asked tentatively. He gazed at me through his fringe of copper hair. He had changed his hair just a little. Let it grow out some.
He looked deeply into my eyes. And I could tell he was struggling with something, not the urge to hunt but something else. Trying to decide to tell me something.
"Just tell me Edward. Please."
"I was ready to feed Bella. It took me right there in front of you. I could feel myself changing. That love is why you will never see me on the hunt while you are still human. I can not and I will not put you at risk like that," he bit his lip like there was something else he wanted to say. I started to ask what it was but he continued on his own, "Bella I hope you know how badly I want you… and not just your blood but… you. I want to be able to kiss you and to feel you give yourself to me completely. I told you I am a man and I do have those desires and feelings still. That is was I fighting with Bella not the thirst. I saw the fear in your eyes and that is why I brought you hear. To show you something. I have to show you that I can be thirsty and still be around you because there will be a time when I will be so thirsty that you see me want your blood and I may…" he paused again and swallowed as though he were swallowing a lump in his throat. Then he continued again, "I may come at you again Bella but I will never hurt you no matter how thirsty I become," I had to interrupt him here because I had a question that was eating away at me and I needed it answered.
"Edward I saw your eyes change. Not gradually but right there in front of me and you went from the well fed man in front of me to the starving vampire who hadn't eaten in who knows how long and I know you fed yesterday so what happened?" I asked.
He actually cracked a smile here and looked at me a little confused, "Bella, I thought you could tell the difference between when I am thirsty and when I am… well… you know," he looked at me again and this time I could see his eyes clearly and they were back to the way they had been, liquid golden honey. That is when it hit me. My face turned beat red and I suddenly wished for the clouds I had hated so much before. I realized what he meant and I could not hold back the giggle. I shook my head and smiled openly.
"Bella damn it. Its bad enough without you laughing at me," he sounded a little dejected. So I leaned in a kissed the tip of his nose.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't making fun I was just, I don't know a little embarrassed I guess. I love you Edward and weather you realize it or not I didn't want you to stop either I was feeling the same things you were. I want you as much as you want me," I hedged. I needed him to understand that. He reached out and ran his cold finger across my cheek gently.
"I love you too. Bella I want you to know that someday you are going to want that so much that you can't stand it and I don't know if I can do that. I mean I know I can but I just don't know if I can with you because of… the thirst and the desire I feel for blood even still. I don't think that that desire will ever go away until I have it. Especially now that I have tasted it. It was harder for me after that you know. Like during your party I could actually taste it. Like I told you, you taste better than you smell and that is saying something," he licked his lips involuntarily and I shuddered at the thought of those horrific nights in my life.
I looked up at the night sky and was a little surprised to see it starting to lighten ever so slightly. He fallowed my gaze and sighed. He stood up and pulled me up with him. He leaned in and kissed me on the lips softly before lifting me easily to his back for the ride home.
I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I hadn't realized how tired I was. It was not, however, a dreamless sleep. I dreamt of the forest again. I was standing alone in the dark and I could feel someone, or something, watching me. It was different though from when it had been Edward tonight. It was menacing. I was frightened. I knew I could not run because who or what ever it was, was much faster than I. It was just watching me, prowling around, waiting, but for what I didn't know. I swung around looking all around me terrified, not of dying but of not seeing Edward again. Not being able to tell him one last time that I love him and say goodbye to him. I had to survive if only for that reason. I was trying to think of something to do. I saw it. A small little glimpse of white. Pure white, brilliant white. I screamed and felt the burning running through my neck and down to my arms and up into my face. Rushing throughout my body. It was fast. Faster then when James had bitten me. Much faster. It was already to late to save me. The vampire was gone. He had killed me only changed me. I knew who it was and it was not the one I wanted. Not my Edward, but Demetri. I didn't know what to do. I was only slightly aware of my surroundings and moving quickly through the trees. I couldn't tell who was carrying me it didn't feel like Demetri anymore nor was it Edward. This person had a different scent. A distinct earthy scent. I didn't dare let myself hope for it but I knew it was him. It was Jacob. My safe harbor had come back to save me once again. But why were we running where were we going?
The next thing I remember was hearing arguing coming from somewhere near me and fighting to open my eyes. The light was bright coming from my bedroom window. I finally got my eyes pried open and looked around for the disturbance. I was speechless and could only stare at what I was looking at un able to comprehend the scene being played out before me. My father and Edward were yelling or rather my father was yelling at Edward and Edward was standing there between him and me and trying to keep himself calm. I couldn't understand what was going on. Edward never got caught in my room due to his ability to read minds and his heightened senses. But there they were, fighting. I had to focus to understand what they were talking about. I was still a little disoriented from my dream. I listened and heard my father telling Edward to leave and never come back and then I noticed him holding his police pistol toward Edward. I screamed and jumped up and put myself between the two of them. My father instantly lowered his gun and glared at me and Edward was pushing me behind him in an instant. I screamed again to get the attention back.
"STOP IT!" I yelled, "JUST STOP THIS NOW," I was getting angrier as the time slowly ticked by while the two of them glared at each other. I looked up at Edward and I didn't need to say anything all I needed to do was make him look into my eyes. He could not read my mind but he could read my eyes. He stopped and turned and walked over to the rocking chair in the corner and lowered himself stiffly into it. I turned and glared at Charlie.
"Charlie, stop this. Please. Will you tell me what happened?" I demanded.
"I came in to check on you because you were screaming again. But it was a horrible scream like you were being…" he choked on the next words and could not finish. I saw his eyes were glistening as he looked at me and saw him try to fight back the tears. And I realized how scared he must have been to hear me screaming like that and walk in to see Edward standing over my writhing body. I saw the scene flash before my eyes and knew instantly what had happened. I loved this man standing in front of me the father I had tried so hard to push away and protect. He was only trying to protect me and doing it the only way he knew how. To him Edward was someone trying to hurt his daughter again. I put my hands up and around his neck and started to cry.
"Daddy," the word surprised even me I had not meant to call him that I started to say dad but it just came out wrong. I squeezed a little tighter when I heard the small gasp come from him. When I let go Edward was gone.
"Let me get dressed Dad and I'll meet you downstairs I think I need to talk to you about a few things," I looked in his eyes again and he nodded and walked out the door to my bedroom. I turned to see if Edward was going to come back inside or if he had actually left. He didn't come back in so I assumed he had simply gone home to change his own clothes and would return later. I dressed and went down to the kitchen to see my father sitting at the table with his back to the door. In the moment I thought how tired and old he looked. In the nearly two years I had been here he had gone from a youthful middle-aged man with so much life left in him to this withered, dejected looking old man sitting in my kitchen. His shoulders slumped and he looked smaller somehow. I spoke softly so I wouldn't startle him.
"Dad?" he turned and glanced up at me as I made my way in the room and to the counter to get a cup of coffee, "Dad I'm sorry I scared you but I was only having a bad dream. I know you were… are worried about me and Edward and that he is going to hurt me again but I promise you dad that he wont hurt me again. I wanted to wait to tell you this but I think I will tell you know. He asked me to marry him Daddy," there it was again. I don't remember ever using that word not even as a child, I gulped a little before I continued, "I want to be with him forever. I love him and I don't think I would be able to survive another time without him like I had to endure last year," I put my hand up to stop him from speaking because I knew what he was going to say and I didn't want to hear it right now.
"I am aware of what you're thinking and I can assure you that your wrong. He will never leave me again. The last time he left me dad was to protect me. I cant explain that right now but someday I will, I swear it to you. I will explain it all someday. But I can't do that not today," I had no doubt in my mind that I would tell my father someday what Edward was and what I wanted to become but in order to protect him from Volturi I had to wait. I made sure he was looking me directly in the eyes when I told him this so he would see that it was not just to pacify him.
"Bella," he said quietly, "I know you love him and when I saw him up there in your room, which I want to know about in a minute, hovering over you and you screaming I just thought the worst and I panicked. You are my entire life Bells and if anything ever happened to you…" he cut off again and looked out into space for a moment, he cleared his throat and took a sip of his coffee before continuing, "what was he doing up there anyway? I have been very clear that he is not to be here after a sertain hour,"
"Well dad technically you didn't see him in my room after that hour it is morning and it is after the hour you said I was allowed to have him over."
"Bella that is not the point, you were still asleep and I am not as stupid as you are making me out to be young lady. I know he was here all night. I trust you Bells but I can't stand the thought of you having a man in your bedroom while you're sleeping. Do you understand me?" his tone had take a turn to more demanding and I didn't want to push him or threaten him with ultimatums. I dropped my gaze and let my head hang just a little. I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty about anything I was letting him know that I knew I was wrong and I did. He had made rules for me to protect me in his way and I had broken several of them in the last year. I felt bad about it. I hated lying and I hated lying to him especially.
"Okay Dad. I'm sorry I broke the rules. I had him stay last night because I want to be near him but I promise we didn't sleep in the same bed. He stayed in the chair. Nothing happened. I'm not ready for that yet," it was embarrassing talking to Charlie about this but I knew I had to make him understand that Edward was not a threat to me in anyway. We finished our coffee and I went back upstairs to finish getting myself ready for the 'meeting' today. I had to warn Jacob about what was happening and try to get him out of Forks. I would not let anything happen to him.