Catch!

By inktheory.

Disclaimer: Me no own FMA.

"But why do we have to catch the fangirl?" Ed asked in an annoyed voice. "I have more important things to do, like look for the philosopher's stone and such."

"She's blackening our reputations," Roy said smoothly, retrieving a package from underneath his desk and starting to unwrap it carefully.

"I don't care. I just want to get our bodies back!" Ed insisted.

"So you're saying it's a matter of small importance?" the colonel asked, clearly amused. He threw away several wads of wrapping paper before placing what appeared to be a complicated gadget on the table.

"Yes, it's a small—" Ed started, then dammit colonel. Incoming, Roy thought to himself. Not surprisingly, it crashed like a tide:

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY HE IS NOT WORTHY OF BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY HYSTERICAL OUTERWORLDLY FEMALES?"

"Oh, I assure you they find you worthy of it," the older man replied, "I must say I'm surprised. Of course, they find me a great deal interesting but that's but natural, for I am hot."

"Hot?" Edward asked with disbelief.

"What did you think?" Roy said matter-of-factly. "I'm the flame alchemist."

Words utterly failed Edward Elric. The older man responded to this with a chuckle as he switched on the strange equipment.

"And what the hell is that?" Edward said, but that was only because he felt obligated to retort.

"It's called a computer, and this—"he patted the other piece of equipment, "is a modem. We're going down to the source of this lechery."

"Well, if they think you're hot we should probably get rid of them before they spread the disease..." Edward muttered to himself.

"The fact that I am absolutely spiffing has nothing to do with this," Roy said in his supreme extended arrogant voice. "The disease I'm concerned with is entirely different. It's called RoyEd."

"Roied," Edward repeated tonelessly, as if trying to understand the meaning of it. He's still a child, Roy shook his head. "You don't get it, do you Fullmetal?" he asked in exasperation.

"Roied," Edward said for the second time. With a sigh, Roy sank into his seat, typed a few words, several of which Edward could not understand. "What's yaoi?" he asked in bewilderement. And then, "ACK, IT SAYS ROY-ED!" He blushed furiously.

"It's because—" Roy started, but Edward interrupted, "I don't care if it's because you're hot. They used our first names in the same sentence. They used them in the same word!" And then, if it was possible, he went a brighter shade of scarlet than he already was.

"I was going to say it was because the fangirl is mentally unstable," Roy went on, ignoring the stuttering boy. "and our names are just the beginning. Look at this one."

In a few seconds, Edward was in the farthest corner of the colonel's office, his hands clapped in front of his eyes. "You scarred me for life, you bastard!" he said, shivering. "I didn't even know that stuff could be done using an umbrella..."

"Yes, I agree that the part with the umbrella should be made illegal," Roy offered, "I'll take it up with the Führer, later on. But the more important thing is to clear our names right now, isn't it?"

"I don't even know why it's us written in there with all the horrible stuff!" Edward exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

"I told you, it's because—"

"I mean, why not Kimbley for instance?" Edward pondered, talking more to himself now than the colonel. "Oh, I forgot, he's bonkers."

"What about Archer?" Roy asked, "I always hated the pale motherfucker."

"Nah, they crossed him with a machine gun, don't you remember?" Edward said, waving him off. "Envy?" he offered instead, "I've always hated Envy."

"Envy cross-dresses," Roy pointed out. "Though my resources say he has his own weird cult of ah – fangirls, we're currently the most popular."

"As an item?" Edward asked, scandalized. The horrors. He racked his brains for thought. "Scar," he finally said. "What about him?" Roy asked.

"He's not bad, apart from being thoroughly murderous, and I bet the fangirl would go for his mysterious dark looks..." Edward said thoughtfully.

"What do you know about these mysterious dark looks?" Roy asked suspiciously. "Nothing more than you do, I assure you!" Edward replied hastily.

A/N: I had too much fun with this. It was written like six months ago on a scrap of paper, and I never got around to completing it – perhaps I will, after I've gone a bit further with "I, Edward", but still, it's up for your enjoyment.