The room was extraordinary loud so he could barely finish all the forms he had to write until noon. He was halfway done when someone spilled some coffee over them and he almost lost his mind and wanted to threat he was going to let them in Hanje's hands when he took a big breath and decided he wouldn't. He was a rational human being that would never do something like that, he wouldn't threat so he sat down and took a gulp of water from his cup. When someone screamed he decided he wouldn't sit around anymore and as he was writing he yelled loud enough for everyone to hear.
"I will finish these in my office. Petra, coffee!" His order cut the air in the room and at it's tremble everyone shut up and he looked around to see where he was. His new team was looking anywhere else but at him, not knowing how they should react. Only Krista was looking at him with hurt eyes and for a moment he thought he could see tears there. The taste in his mouth became bitter when he realised what he just said. Of course, they were all dead. She was dead too. "Stop acting like you're dealing with a hurt puppy" he growled and Jean got up to take the papers and help him back to his office. Levi dismissed him with the wave of a hand and sat down at his desk, trying to concentrate on his work only. He was almost done again when the door opened and inside came Hanje that had a concerned look instead of the usual jolly one. It was clear she wasn't there to annoy him, she did that less in the past weeks because she wanted to respect some boundaries. She couldn't comprehend how hurt one must feel once he loses his entire squad, she couldn't even imagine that and she has been together with her squad for as long as Levi had been with his.
"Hello" she said quietly and he nodded, still not looking at her. He was looking like shit, that was her first thought.
"What do you want, shitty glasses?" She came closer, biting her lips and put her glasses better on her nose, trying to find a way in which she could tell this without upsetting him.
"You know, I don't want to push you, I understand why you are like this but the new squad is living worse than in training and you have a few spare rooms in the castle" He dropped the pen and looked up at her, knowing she meant the chambers that once belonged to Petra, Oluo, Erd and Gunther. "The families still haven't received all their belongings" Seeing he didn't say a thing she tried again. "I can do that for you, you don't need to gather them" Hanje was beginning to feel uneasiness everywhere so she began to babble agitated when Levi frowned.
"Tch. I'll do it" He got up and gave her all the papers. "You send Erwin these" She nodded, still feeling bad but didn't stop him once he was out the room.
He decided to begin with Erd and Gunther's double room that was in the same wing as his. He opened the door to find inside a closed air - he hasn't allowed anyone to enter those places - so he rushed to the window that he opened, frowning. If they would have been here he would have kicked the shit out of them. The place was horrible, it was hell. There were clothes all over the room and even underwear on the ground. He always thought Erd was the neat type but it seemed he was wrong, either that or Gunther threw everything everywhere. He smiled at the thought and realized the last theory might be true; Gunther was all over the place at times, that's why he would get along so well with Petra. They were usually handwrestling and as big as Gunther was, Petra would sometimes win and receive his dessert. Beside being teased by the boys he always got his dessert back because she wasn't the type to eat someone else's food. He began to gather all those things with a curse at every step, thinking about how he would have never imagined himself cleaning after his soldiers.
"I hope they are having fucking fun" he muttered without realizing and sat down on the bed. He was feeling as they were outside training or riding horses but they were not and he couldn't really accept that. It was not that he was not realizing what happened, he was just amazed how people that stood by him side for more than five years were now all gone. After he finished with the boys' clothes he looked around for other things and opened the few drawers that were by the wall. Gunther wasn't educated so there were no letters of his, there were only a few pictures. He looked at them and found a picture of an old couple, probably his parents and some friends. He was looking at them disinterested when he saw the last picture which was the first one they took together. They were sitting in front of the HQ, they were all newbies and just came back from the first expedition together. He was looking his usual self, with a big frown on his face while on each side of him he could see Petra and Oluo smiling. Behind them stood Erd grinning and Gunther that was mocking Oluo by putting two fingers behind his head. Petra even had long hair - that was a long long time ago. He closed his eyes and put the picture away from the others, deciding he could keep at least this much.
The second drawer was obviously Erd's because he found there a photo of his fiancee, Rachel, that had flowers in her hair and that was beyond happy. It must have been hard for her to realize her childhood love was gone and was never coming back. He also found some letters destined for his parents and some other soldiers he didn't know. Like expected, his things were cleaner than Gunther's and they were less. He found some loop of rubbers that he was usually using for putting his blonde hair up and even some books, manuals of a sort that were so old that you couldn't read from them anymore. Some cigarettes and that was all. He placed the things carefully in boxes and while he did that a distant memory came back to him. It was the second expedition they had and how much as he tried to guard them, he was faulted by a titan and his foot was bleeding. He could barely walk but he didn't say anything to anyone, his head too full of the things he needed to do in order to stay alive. He was trying to reach Erwin when someone approached him and he felt an arm around him, pushing him slightly up.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he asked Erd that had a hurt arm falling next to his body and that smiled brightly at him.
"Helping you out, sir" he said and for a moment he wondered how did he see that he was hurt? He wasn't looking like a vulnerable man. "Oi, Gunther!" He yelled and soon the other man came and helped him out. He was tiny between these two but he felt relief once his foot left the ground.
"One corporal Ackerman for you" Gunther said jokingly and Levi threw him a deadly glare.
"Did I ask for help?" He growled and they both chuckled.
"There is no need for you to be so stubborn, sir" Gunther said.
"There is no shame in needing help" Erd continued and he shut it, trying to chase the embarrassment away. Damn brats.
The things were soon in boxes and he closed them with a heavy heart, putting them on the hall so he could go in Oluo's room next. If Erd was sharp and Gunther was kind, there was one word that could be assigned to Oluo: loud. He never thought he could tolerate someone as loud as this man but as the years passed and he proved to be a spotless soldier, he grew fond of him and looked at him with admiration for keeping the optimism up. Unlike the other two pigs, he was a smaller piglet so it didn't take long until he got the clothes prepared. He checked the drawers and inside found only a notebook that looked like a journal. He studied it, wondering if it was proper to read it or not and opened it as a matter a fact, looking at the careful handwriting. They were small notes of expeditions, some of his thoughts and on the last page he found a picture of Petra grinning. The corner of his lips curled upwards without a second thought and he took the image in between his fingers, studying it further. She was somewhere on the field, with her uniform and gear on, she was even dirty and still her grin was bright and he eyes serene. He put the picture next to the other one he took from the previous room and put the journal on top of the clothes.
Yes, the undying love that Oluo had for Petra. He realized the man was interested in her from the first day when he said without a doubt that she was "his kind of woman". Even if he was jealous at times, it was amusing to hear how they would tease each other and fight and push around. They were like small children but no matter how many times they would fight, they would make up before the next day would come. They were quite a pair, he always thought that and he wondered how it would have turned out if Petra would have accepted his feelings for behind Oluo's annoying appearance, he was a kind man. Whenever Levi was feeling unsure he was going to see the stars from the HQ's roof and not just once Oluo followed him there. Before the 57th expedition Levi was sitting on the roof, watching the stars when he heard steps and saw Oluo was coming to him, smiling, while holding two cups of cold tea. He sat down without a proper salute and offered him one.
"Petra's tea" he said as a recommendation and Levi nodded, knowing that by the time he sipped. "I don't know why you are so worried, sir, but I am sure everything will turn out alright" he said and Levi looked at him wondering how could he be so sure.
"Why are you so optimistic?"
"I trust you" the man said simply and for a moment, the corporal felt like he could feel his heart bleeding. He wanted to tell him what was worrying him but he didn't because he couldn't find his words so he kept gazing at the sky, hearing the man's sips. "I can't wait for this expedition to end. We must go out and drink again and sir, you will get drunk this time" Oluo laughed, making Levi smile and he nodded, agreeing to the plan.
But he never came back. None of them did. He got out and put the boxes next to the others and headed to the women's quarter where there was only one room left. He opened the mahony door that was so familiar and his nostrils were filled with cinnamon, making him dizzy. Stepping inside this room he felt like she was there like always, waiting for him to come and ask for tea or for help. She would wait for him smiling, no matter how tired she was and she would never say no, not even after he explained to her that he had nothing to offer her. He was a man broken by war, he had no possibilities, sometimes he wanted to shove her out the door and ask her to be anything else but a soldier and still she would smile like these were all small things and promis she wanted nothing in return. He felt sick in the stomach. He began to take the clothes out of the drawer and was surprised to find so many things - he only knew a few dresses and the uniform but beside those were scarfs and shirts and trousers that he never imagined on her but that were at the same time exactly her style.
After he finished with the clothes he took a pause to clear his head before he searched for the letters he knew he would find. There were many from her father and when he found a small note with her writing he couldn't contain himself from unfolding it and reading it, his heart beating faster with each word.
"Dear father,
as you know tomorrow the 57th expedition will begin and for some reason or another I believe this will be far more dangerous than the previous ones. Why? Because corporal Levi is acting a bit stranger than usual (we even skipped cleaning day for training). Either way I cannot tell you any detail for they are dangerous for anyone knowing them but that is not the reason for which I am writing. I promised myself I would not tell anyone until I come back but I cannot keep it a secret anymore. I am carrying a child inside me, father, and I know this might come as a shock for you but I can assure you I was shocked too. I was shocked and thrilled all the same. I will not tell you who the father is because it might cause him problems but please know this, I love this child and I want to keep it. I haven't told anyone yet because I don't want to be excluded from this expedition, I want to fight for humanity but once all this is over I will probably come to visit you for a while. Please take care of yourself and pray for all of us.
Love, Petra"
After he finished reading he felt he was going to throw up so he sat down on the soft bed and left his head fall on his hands, trembling from head to toe. He couldn't remember what happened but when Hanje was by his side he was already a mess, pale and shaking. He almost jumped scared when he felt her arms around his head but he didn't stop her from pulling him closer, he just stood still.
"It's okay to hurt, Levi. It's human" She said and at that he began to sob harder than he ever did, making the woman tear too. It was heartbreaking to see someone as strong as Levi lose it but she promised him she will not tell anyone about this.
"She was..." he tried but couldn't pronounce that word. "She..."
"I know" Hanje said soothingly and furrowed her brows. "She came to me to check her and after she told me how she felt I realised what was happening." His silent cries were terrifying but she didn't complain, she just held him for a while until he suddenly stopped. He got out of her embrace and used his handkerchief to clean his face. He took the letter and placed it in his pocket, knowing her father shouldn't suffer more and then headed for the door. Hanje looked at him, worried and he turned around with a stern face, his eyes still burning.
"No one will move in this room. Ever" he said simply and closed the door behind him.