I was gonna die. I was gonna die and everyone will have a party in my memory and cake and jolly songs, talking about what an asshole I was during my short life. That was all I could think of in the middle of History class, while the room was spinning around me and my head almost cracked open because of the ache. You're not gonna drink in the middle of the week ever again, Kirschtein! I pushed my sunglasses further on my nose and sipped from my coffee, looking at the projection on the wall. I wasn't the smartest guy, that was for sure. I wanted to turn around and slap the shit out of Sasha who kept kicking my chair with the tip of her shoe and Connie who scribbled too damn loud on his notepad. I turned around and threw him an annoyed look, through my glasses and he shrugged his shoulders. Armin was panicked and made me a sign to turn around so I sighed. Bunch of losers. A ball of paper hit my head and I picked it, straightening to find Eren's ugly hand-writing who quoted: The horse can't handle his alcohol? I turned around and showed him my middle finger while holding a book up to mask it and then rested against the uncomfortable chair, trying not to fall asleep right there. It was truly a quest and I wrinkled my nose when I felt the tinge of vomit that was still coming from my pants, even with the superficial washing this morning. Fuck my life. I was dead by the end of the lecture and I blocked the row because I had to tie my shoelaces and I couldn't throw up again. I probably got sworn by a few but honestly, I couldn't give less fucks so I took my time and then got outside, picking up my leather jacket and throwing it on my shoulder. I was still shaking but I lit a cigarette and rested my back against the building, looking around at the loud crowd. There were plenty of exchange students so there were just as many foreign languages and I was glad I spoke French because it was really helpful at times.
I had another course but I decided to go to sleep a little before going to my part-time job. I was working at a record store in my free time because I wanted to be independent and my passion was kind of expensive. I got there in no time and met Ymir who threw me a dirty look.
"You're late" I shrugged my shoulders and went in the back to unwrap the new collection of CD's that came. I began to put them on shelves in the Pop section and stopped when I saw it was all girly music. Britney Spears and shit. I was still doing that when it could be heard all over the shop: "Jean Kirschtein is asked to move his ass to the cash desk" I rolled my eyes and ignored the way people looked at me but did as I was told, taking a big breath because of the effort.
"The fuck, Ymir?" I asked the freckled girl as she tied her hair up, holding pins between her lips.
"I'm going out with Krista for a little bit, you stay here" I rolled my eyes because she was always out with her cute little girlfriend, probably fucking in weird places, while I was blocked there with a killing headache and a lot of customers on my butt. I sighed but didn't comment because it was useless and I was tired of this shit. I sat on the chair and continued the next few hours wrinkling my nose at the sight of the bad taste in music my customers had. But I wasn't supposed to tell them anything so I took my time to play an album I liked in the store and ignored the pink and glittery things I was selling. That until someone handled me a Kesha album and I took the thing with a low growl, typing the code inside the computer by hand because the scanner didn't recognised it. Did people really buy those things?
"What the fuck" I muttered under my breath when I saw the code wasn't working and I looked at the customer to see a tall guy, looking at me nervous with big chocolate eyes, hid behind thick and black glasses. Those nerdy glasses, though, couldn't hide the trail of freckles that was covering his face, forming an especially cute line from one cheek to the other. He ran his hand through his black curls almost nervous and I had to clear my throat, trying to focus. He must've been the prettiest male I have ever seen. No homo.
"I-is there anything wrong?" his voice was the hoarse type, warm and friendly and his fingers began to play with the first button of his jean shirt, showing me he had freckled hands too. He avoided to look in my eyes so I looked at the counter again and nodded.
"It's not reading the code, could you get another copy?" He accepted and left, leaving me with a row of customers that all had shitty taste in music. Not that the freckled dude didn't have - I mean Kesha? Seriously? I puffed while I was scanning another Anti album and after I gave the change to the teenage girl who smiled brightly at me the guy appeared again, holding the same album. I tried to scan it again but the same thing happened. "What the fuck?" I groaned annoyed and he chuckled, filling the room with a nice, ringing sound.
"It's not meant to be" I looked up, not believing what he was saying and I huffed.
"Well, maybe it's better like this cause this is shit" I said pointing to the album and realized I probably sounded like a judging asshole. I looked up and saw his ears were beet red and he was grimacing, making me feel even worse. He wasn't saying anything because he was polite, unlike some douchebags.
"It's for a friend's birthday" he muttered and I felt the need to break the earth open and let it eat me whole.
"Sorry, man, look, just leave the money and take it, I'm gonna figure it out somehow" I said smiling, though I sure as hell didn't know how the fuck I was going to "figure it out". He blinked, surprised and then rubbed his nose with a finger, reminding me of Ron Weasley in the first Harry Potter movie.
"Are you sure this is okay?" I nodded.
"Yea" I took the five dollars he left on the counter and put the thing in the bag, offering it to him. "Have a nice day, visit us again" I smiled fakely.
"Thanks" He left, leaving me with some pre-teen girls who were buying Justin Bieber and as soon as Ymir arrived I took my leave, heading for the student dorm where I crashed on the bed, ignoring the kissing sounds that were coming from the other bed where my roommate was getting the hots with his girlfriend. The thing was very small and honestly, I was saving to move out because I was tired of all this bullshit - having to share the place with some dude I barely saw. His name was Thomas and he was fucking almost non-stop. I placed my headphones on and played some music, trying to fall asleep. A few hours later, when I woke up, Thomas was gone so I opened the window that was next to my one-person bed and lit a cig, looking at the campus that was already catching life. My phone buzzed and lit and I saw it was Sasha calling so I answered it.
"Party! All horses invited at room 303, A2" I rolled my eyes. I didn't have a fucking horse-face!
"Fuck you, Sasha!"
"But you're gonna be here, right?" I had nothing better to do so I decided I should go, putting some alright-clothes on. I picked a black shirt with a pair of black jeans and brushed my hair, looking to see it was the same weird colour. Everyone asked me if I was dying my hair because it was blonde but the undercut was brown and the answer was no - I just had weird as fuck hair. There were black circles under my eyes and when I arrived at the party I wondered what the hell I was looking for there. Sasha and Connie came running to me, Con wearing a pink glittery pullover and I rolled my eyes because they were still hyperactive.
"Jeaaaaaaan!" Sasha yelled and I realized she was drunk as piss. "Have some beer, man" She offered me a bottle that I took, willingly and then pushed me inside. It was one of those fancy dorms where they have more than a room and even a bathroom so I found some guys playing beer-pong while others were almost fucking on the couch. Ymir and Krista were making out in a corner and I could swear Ymir's hand was under Krista's shirt, on her boobs and I spot Jaeger angrily playing video-games while taking shots with Mikasa. She must've been the most beautiful girl in our year but all she could see and follow was Eren so I had no chance at that. I sat down on the couch, looking nowhere in particular and began to drink again until we all began dancing and I found myself grinding against some blonde bimbo that was running her fingers through my hair.
"I love your hair" She grinned and I smiled sarcastic because I hated it. "I'm Helen"
"Jean" I said and a song I loved came along so I started dancing even more vigorously, making her giggle. She was alright, I guess and by the end of the night we were making out in the bathroom, my hand in all the wrong places. She was obviously wanting more but I didn't feel like it so I parted and she looked at me shocked. It was funny cause her hair was all over the place and she had no shirt on.
"What?" She asked and I shrugged my shoulder.
"Maybe another time, babe" I winked and got out, deciding it was the time to leave the party. I found Connie and told him I was off and soon I was walking my way to my dorm, chain-smoking and looking at the cold pave ground so I wouldn't get dizzy. I was gonna be so sick in the morning, I knew that. And tomorrow I had an early shift. I took a short shower and went straight to bed, trying to fall asleep as soon as possible but having my thoughts go in all directions. I dreamt the same thing that was haunting me over and over again - I was a soldier in a world filled with enormous monsters who ate humans. I was defending humanity but at the same time I was scared and heartbroken while doing so. I always woke up with a bitter taste after these dreams and I had a fucking weird deja-vouz. I was gonna look for a better place this weekend and I was unsettled by the whole process because I was going to have a new roommate and I was shit with people, or better said, I was only surrounded by shitty people and that made me feel anxious, especially that I had to face them alone. I mean, sure, I had retarded friends but no one with whom I could really talk my thoughts. The next few days were shitty, that until Friday came and I was almost closing the shop, thinking about my free weekend. And the damn entrance bell rang, making me curse annoyed. Fucking fuckers who came right before closing time. I couldn't stop my frown.
"Umm, is it still open?" I knew that voice so I turned around and saw Freckles - yeah, that's how I was going to call him because it was fitting. Because freckles.
"If you're fast, yes, if you're here to look around, no" I said and he chuckled (it was almost like a giggle), obviously feeling a little awkward.
"Actually, I am not here to buy, I am here to ask you if... umm" he looked away and I frowned. "Well, could I put this poster here?" He offered me a white paper and saw it was one of those posters that was extremely dry - a poster meant to find a roommate. "I guess here are a lot more chances to find someone around my age" I looked at him incredulous and then scanned the poster again. The expenses were alright, I knew exactly what dorm it was about and in addition, it was close to my main building. But it was insane to move with someone I barely knew. But if I was going to hunt another place, it would be the same and Freckles seemed nice, not the psychopath type; maybe he was a womanizer or something but it didn't really matter as long as I was getting away from Thomas and his loud sex. The frown was obvious so he took the paper back. "It's alright if you're not allowed to" He smiled politely and I thought he was going to leave so I spoke.
"Give me your phone number and I will come to see the place" I said and he grasped the paper harder, making it crumple.
"Are you looking for a place?" I checked to see the counter was locked and pointed all my attention towards him. I nodded. "It's like a mini-apartment, there are two rooms but one of them is already taken so I am staying in a double one alone"
"Okay, can I come to see it tomorrow?" He nodded and I got the phone out, offering it to him. The screen was broken but I hoped he could manage to use it. He offered me back with the number and I pressed save. "Umm... your name?" I asked and chuckled, realizing how awkward this was.
"Marco" he said and I typed, thinking it was fitting. I showed him the name and he nodded surprised. "Most people write it with a k - especially at Starbucks"
"Retards" I snorted and he chuckled, coming closer to see the badge on my shirt that was indicating my name.
"Nice to meet you, Jean" He pronounced it in the American way and I sighed because the j was longer and it was totally French.
"Jean" I said and he rose both brows, surprised. "My family is French" I continued and he nodded. "Are you at Trost Uni?"
"Yeah, I major in biology" That shit was complicated so I almost felt bad when I told him my major was photography but he seemed impressed by it. Unlike most people, I was willing to take a risk and bet on my hobby to make a future - something my father was calling irresponsible and most people were calling stupid. Oh, well. He waited for me to close the shop and we walked in silence to the bus station. Outside it was cold and there were clouds coming out of my mouth, amusing me somehow. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lit one, making him look at me a little unsettled. "That's not good for your health" I laughed.
"No shit, Sherlock" He blushed and I stopped in tracks because he was... cute. Cute as fuck. I looked away and continued to smoke until my bus came and I dropped the thing, stepping on it and hurrying towards the monster machine. Before I stepped on I turned around. "I'll message you about tomorrow" He nodded, a little bit startled by my reactions and nodded, waving at me as the doors closed. I sat down and put my headphones on, closing my eyes and trying to rest all the way home. The night passed easily with me playing videogames with Connie, Sasha, Eren and Mikasa and the next day I texted Marco and we decided to meet in the afternoon so I could see the place. I was off on Saturdays so I spent my day lazing around and finishing some projects before I dressed casually and went to meet Marco in front of that building. He was waiting for me on the stairs, dressed in a fluffy hoodie and pajama pants with chickens all over. I burst into laughter when I saw him. "Seriously? Is that the guy I have to live with?"
"You're not accepted, yet" He said sarcastic and I grinned.
"Do I have to fill a paper or something?" He chuckled and shook his head, opening the door. It was on second floor so after we got up the stairs he opened the door and I had to drop my jaw because there were two guys, almost fucking on the hall. They were pressed against the wall, their chest smashed and their lips meeting hungrily while hands were searching for skin. One bulky blonde and a very tall and slim brunette guy that got beet red once he saw us. The blonde didn't look too intimidated, he just buttoned his pants and came to offer me a hand.
"Hi, I'm Reiner, you must be Jean" He said and I shook his hand, unsure what it touched before. Marco face-palmed.
"Guys! I've told you - sex only in your room!" He groaned annoyed and Reiner and I burst into laughter as the other one sneaked inside, not presenting himself.
"Bert is a little shy" Reiner said and then excused himself with an obvious intention. "Hope you'll stay" He offered me a military salute and then left us alone so I turned to watch the boy who looked extremely embarrassed.
"Sorry" He repeated and pointed in the direction we both went. The room we got in was huge compared to my actual, it had two single beds, once next to the window - that one was taken and the other one next to the wall, a big desk, a human-sized mirror and a few drawers next to the nightstands. It was looking good and I couldn't help but stop and stare at the posters with Legend of Zelda on the occupied wall. "We also have a bathroom but there is no tub" That was fine enough for me. I was used to one bath for the entire floor and that was fucking disgusting.
"Only 100 for all this?" I asked and he nodded, hesitant. I sat down on the bed that bounced. "When can I move in?" His face spread into a smile and after a few moments he realized he was asked something.
"Whenever you want. The only thing that might bother you is that Reiner and Bert are very loud at times and they are all over" I chuckled because Ymir and Krista were exactly the same and I told him I will move in at the end of the month because I paid in advance for the other place. "Reiner is the one I bought that album for"
"So he has loud sex and also has shit taste in music" He burst into laughter. "Don't worry, I will bring my collection over so I might be able to cure him. Do you play Legend of Zelda?" He nodded. "Skyrim?" He nodded again. "Dude, let's play together sometimes, you can play with me and my friends if you want"
"S-sure" I had the feeling we were going to get along really well because he wasn't the annoying type of human. I didn't stay long because I had to finish some papers until Monday so once I got home I put my bones to work, trying to get an average grade at least so I could pass. The day flew and in the last Wednesday of the month I was doing the morning shift at the store, placing some keyrings on the shelves properly. They had a Bowie I wanted so I picked it up and almost yelled at Ymir that I was taking it when I saw Marco entering the place with unsure steps. We haven't spoke almost at all ever since which was kinda weird because I was moving in later. "Are you working?" I looked at his face, that was still hidden behind those glasses and turned around to face a pissed Ymir.
"I'm having my break now" I announced and took my coat to dress it. "Wanna have lunch together?" He was taken aback but his dark eyes seemed happy, especially when he accepted so we got out where it was heavy raining and he opened his umbrella. "Shit"
"We can share" He offered and I swear in that moment I could see a halo around his head like he was a kind of weird Freckled Jesus. "Where do you want to eat? There is a bistro on the next street that has good food" Sure, I wasn't going to many places to eat because I was tight on money but once it was alright and it must've been good if he said so. It was a small place, with etno drawings all over and we found a table near a wall covered in photographs so I stood up to look at them better.
"These are good" I said and sat, just in time for the waiter to come and take our order. "By the way, what were you looking for at the shop?"
"I thought you would... err, suggest me some music. You see, I always preferred silence but now I want to try music" I couldn't believe there were many people who were not listening to music because I was obsessed with it - everyday, from morning to night I was listening to music. I gasped and he looked down. "I am a weirdo, I know"
"Nah, I know worse" I said and chuckled, making him smile. "You look like an indie type of guy, though, I could recommend my favorites" I continued more to myself and he looked at me interested and he bit from his burger. "You don't have to buy, I'll let you borrow my albums, I'm bringing them tonight" I said and bit from my cheeseburger, trying to restrain myself from talking with a full mouth.
"Is your hair natural?" I burst into laughter and nodded. "It's weird" I bowed my head so he could see better and surprisingly he ran his fingers through it, making me shiver, feeling a deja vu. What the fuck was wrong with me lately? A weird flash ran before my eyes, the exact same touch, the exact freckled smile but on a field, somewhere on emerald green grass, with an ancient tree above us. Green capes were on our shoulders and we were happy because we were together. I looked up to look at him again and felt something weird inside my tummy.
"Well, you have thousand of freckles on you" He bit his lower lip and I licked mine.
"Is that weird?" I shook my head and sipped from my coke.
"No, it's amazing. I never saw someone with so many" I grinned and he blushed faintly. We small-talked and he was a lot more outgoing that he seemed, once you got behind his shyness you could get real opinions, somewhat objective and down-to-earth. He was real nice too, he didn't have a judgemental bone in his body. I almost forgot about work in the hour we spent together and he offered to help me with the moving so he came in the evening to pick up some of the boxes I had. There wasn't much beside clothing, my camera and my music so it didn't take long - we got to the place I had to call home from now on and I put the things in the place I had. I got my posters out. "Can I put these on the wall?" I asked and Marco came to see what I was talking about. There were some posters with my favorite bands: The Smiths, The Doors and The Script.
"So you basically like anything that starts with a the" He said serious and I burst into laughter, hitting him with my elbow.
"It's not about the, dumbass, it's about the sound" I clarified and then stuck some of my photos on the wall. They were random, of tree houses or places I found pretty and I was surprised when I heard him gasp.
"These are amazing" I frowned. I couldn't say I was amazing or anything near and he was the first to look so taken with them so I felt embarrassed.
"Thanks, dude" I went to take a shower and soon we were playing videogames, each one in our own bed, that until I felt sleepy and turned the light off. I had an early day so this was for the best. The place felt strange, I felt out of context and lonely, not that it was something new. I turned from one side to another until I fell asleep and had the same nightmare, this time feeling even more real. The fright was real so when I saw a beast coming closer to grab me I yelled from the top of my lungs and woke up when something grabbed my shoulder. I opened my eyes confused and saw a worried Marco shaking me hard.
"Jean, wake up" I was covered in cold sweat and I looked around again to make sure it was there. "Are you alright?" Of course I wasn't fucking alright but he seemed good willed so I didn't say anything but gulped dryly. "You were screaming..." He was almost apologetic and I got up, with the intention of drinking some water. When I came back I was still shaken and Marco was in his bed, wide awake.
"Sorry" I muttered and snuggled in between sheets.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No" I checked the phone. 4. A.M. "Fuck, man, I don't want to mess your sleeping schedule too" I whispered and he shook his head.
"Don't worry about this, Jean" A flash came again once I closed my eyes for a second. Marco, dead on the ground, half of his skull missing, his clothes filled with blood. Shit, I was going crazy. "I have nightmares too, all the time" I turned to look at him and he smiled encouraging.
"And what do you do about it?"
"I don't know, nothing much, really" I gulped again. "We should go to sleep" I nodded but neither of us closed our eyes, we kept staring at each other and I found it soothing. He looked a lot different without his glasses, his face very handsome. He had a jawline for the days and his nose was cutely freckled, a long curl falling on it as he was sitting on his left side. He breathed silently and almost calculated and his eyes seemed filled with strange emotions. I wondered how it would be to break inside his skull and see all he was hiding but I chased the thought away and finally closed my eyes.