Author's Note: Okay, so before you read, I have to tell you that I don't know what came over me when I was writing this. Truth be told, this is not how I'd want things to end. Things won't end this way. But after listening to songs like "Melancholy Blue" and "When You're Gone" too many times, they take a toll on you I suppose. The songs bear no resemblance to this fic though, because neither fit to the picture I wanted to share.
In this, well..I'll let the piece speak for itself. But please, leave a review. Even if it's to tell me that I'm horrible and I made you cry or whatever. Leaving reviews will make you feel better, trust me. Anyway...
Disclaimer: I don't own Bones. Nope, not a chance. But Christmas is coming, and a girl can dream, can't she?
Gray clouds circled overhead as she made her way down the row. Wrapping her coat tight due to the chill that hung in the air, she felt a breath hitch in her chest as she knelt down. She knew why she was there, she knew what she had come to do, but somehow seeing it made it that much more real.
"I'm not really sure what I should say to you." Temperance heard the words, but felt as if she hadn't been the one who had said them. Tilting her head, she let a hand come to rest on top of the cold stone marker. "I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner."
Temperance closed her eyes, pleading with the memories that threatened to flow. She'd somehow managed to plunge herself back into work after it happened, but after Angela had all but ordered her, she knew that there was no choice. "You know it's funny, because I know that no matter what I say, you'll never hear me. If by some miraculous change in the world you do, you'll say that I'm not right."
The words brought a wry smile to her face as she felt a solitary tear trace its way down her cheek. "It just doesn't seem real."
A shaky breath invaded her lungs as Temperance glanced at the miniature statue sitting on the grass. She knew who'd brought it, and knew why it was there. While her mind ran through a list of so many reasons why it didn't make sense that he would have brought it, she knew the likely cause. "I saw him the other day, you know." Temperance fell into an awkward kind of comfort as she averted her gaze to the flower that had fallen from her grip. "He was in some play at school, and had Rebecca call me to ask me if I could come. As if I wouldn't. Despite not being biologically linked to him, I can't help but feel that there's some sort of connection with him." We both loved you.
"He played Robin Hood." Temperance said with a faint laugh. "I was never familiar with the character, but Parker...he was able to act out the part very well. Somehow, everything made sense."
She felt a lump form in her throat, and tried hard to swallow it. "I just wish that you were there." She whispered, her words getting lost in the wind. "Logically, talking to a stone that is supposed to represent you doesn't make sense. Knowing that you're here, buried under..." Temperance choked back what sounded like a sob, and found herself finally succumbing to what had been building up for a year. "But it's not you. There are bones, and skin and things that I shouldn't...really shouldn't be thinking about. That isn't how I should remember you." Temperance forced a smile as she tried to convince herself that what she was doing was right. "It was you that had said I talked better with the dead, and at the time it didn't make sense."
Rubbing a hand against her arm, Temperance tried to brace herself against the chill that came over the air. Knowing that it could start raining any second, she could practically hear the voice of Seeley Booth telling her to go home, or at least inside somewhere that she couldn't catch a cold. She felt a strange wave of indifference at the reality that he wouldn't be there to remind her anymore. True, she had gotten used to it. Delving into her writing, and working strictly in the lab had helped numb the pain for a while.
The trouble came when Cullen reassigned another agent to the Jeffersonian. Shutting herself inside her office, she all but refused to talk to whoever it was. The new agent worked mostly with Zach, though whenever he came to the lab, she would at least offer some insight. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd gone out into the field-actually, the more she'd thought about it, Temperance realized that she had.
It was their last case together. A body was found in an abandoned dumpster in an alleyway behind a bar. It should have been easy, just solving the case and getting out of there. She remembered Booth making some joke about the stench smelling like cheese or feet...something that she was sure he deemed funny. It felt like any other case until the details started to unfold.
Frankie DiLuco. Twenty-two, fresh out of college. Apparently, he'd wanted to make a life for himself apart from his father. But with loads of debt from loans, Frankie went to an opposing family asking for a job. He knew his father; knew the likely spots he'd be. A quick job, as Frankie put it. The trouble came when Gino, Frankie's father, got wind of the hit and ended his son's life. The trouble got even worse when Booth started investigating. There had been warnings, guidelines that he struggled to follow. One thing he knew was that he had to keep her-her being 'his' Bones, safe.
He'd gone to speak with Gino DiLuco's sister to perhaps get a little insight on her brother. It had been reported that she wanted nothing to do with him, but what Booth had been interested in was the reason why. Fearing for her own life, Cecilia Freteria made a call that she'd soon regret. Tipping off the FBI would be deemed a mistake in Gino's eyes, and she didn't want to take the risk.
Temperance remembered when she heard the news. It was a rare occurrence to see anyone higher than Booth on the FBI chain anywhere in the Jeffersonian, so the sight of the Deputy Director in her own office was a sight that settled uneasily on her. She'd asked why he was there, to which Cullen replied it was necessary. He knew she'd been busy investigating on the DiLuco case, and he didn't want the sight of Doctor Temperance Brennan being pulled out of the Hoover building to be something that he himself was responsible for. At least not that time.
"I was supposed to go with you." Temperance said, the memories coming in full force. "I wanted to go, wanted to be there to see the look on Cecilia's face. But you refused. You said that there were things at the lab that needed my help."
She wasn't sure how she was supposed to react, but after Cullen told her what happened, something inside of Temperance changed. In the months before that, everyone in the lab saw something different in Doctor Brennan. She was easier to talk to, more open to other's input, and if anything had been more open with those she worked with. No one in the lab needed to guess why, because it was all due to a relationship with one Seeley Booth.
Apparently everyone saw it coming, including Booth's boss who had warned them with the stipulation that if the relationship ever interfered with their performance on the job, their partnership would be terminated. Both had agreed, and had started what turned out to be a surprisingly comfortable relationship. It all started after Temperance came back from her trip to Peru. She had barely finished unpacking when Booth came knocking on the door.
He couldn't stop thinking about her, and needed her to know that whatever happened next was up to her. As Booth put it, he was standing on a ledge, and she was free to push him off if she wanted. Temperance argued that he wasn't actually on a ledge, and if he was, he knew her well enough to know she wouldn't push him. Booth laughed at what had been her natural reaction, and the conversation continued. What happened next, they both decided, would happen in due time.
"It was too soon." Temperance muttered, shaking her head. While she understood the science of it-how and why Booth was no longer living, she still struggled to comprehend the reality of it all.
Memories threatened to come full force as she closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall. She couldn't, she was too strong. Temperance Brennan was a strong, dependable woman. Everyone who knew her knew that, including herself. It didn't make sense to suddenly break down a year afterward.
Their first case together. Dancing to "Hot Blooded". Booth rescuing her from Kenton. Staying with him in his hospital room. Booth rescuing her and Hodgins from the makeshift grave from the Gravedigger. Booth arresting her father. Hugging Booth at the altar during Angela's wedding.
Slowly, everything began to piece together like a puzzle in her mind. He looked so offended that she refused to go out in the field with him, how could she have not seen how he felt about her sooner? A particular event crossed her mind as her slender fingers grazed the petals of the flower in her hand; a daisy.
"You knew me." Temperance whispered, finding it harder to speak in a voice any louder. "I don't know how it was possible, but in all likelihood you knew me better than anyone did."
Kissing Booth under the mistletoe. Watching Booth with Parker in the snow as they stood beside what she knew to be "her" Christmas tree. Not knowing how long it would last, Temperance relished in the feeling of having her family around her while the other half stood smiling just outside the fence. How was it possible? How could he have known that she would be there, and that she would interpret his gift the right way?
Temperance shook her head, tears now flowing freely. Her cheeks were a bright red as she brushed her hand against her right eye, trying desperately to stop the flow. "Anthropologically speaking, you're gone. I know that I'll never be able to wake up with the feel of you next to me, or hear you rattling on about some cartoon character with Parker and how he shouldn't be watching it. I know that I'll never hear the words "Bones, we've got a case." in the same sentence again. Despite all of that, I can't help but feel that your'e still here."
She knew the notion was ridiculous. As a scientist, she knew that once a person's brain stopped functioning they were no longer alive. She knew that in every sense of the word, life was over. It was a crazy notion to even suggest that any part of Booth, despite the characteristics exhibited by Parker, existed any longer.
"You never pressured me." Temperance said, feeling at ease as if he were there with her. She stole a glance around the otherwise vacant graveyard and felt a swell of disappointment to not see anyone standing there. "You allowed me to be who I was and not automatically fall into the stereotypes adapted by mainstream America. You didn't pressure me to refer to you as a 'boyfriend', or call me by any other affectionate titles...other than Bones, of course." Temperance felt an odd sadness creeping through her at the realization that she'd never hear him utter the term of endearment again.
A week before, just after Parker's play, he ran up to give her a hug. He thanked her for coming to see him and asked when she'd come over again. "You should come over sometime, Doctor Bones." Parker had said. "Mommy got me a new puzzle. It's one of a dinosaur. Maybe you could help me put it together." Though she felt a tug at her heart at the mere mention of her nickname, Temperance was quick to agree after she received a nod from Rebecca. Through the past year, the two had formed some sort of agreement. Though Rebecca had been familiar with Booth, she knew that no one would be able to talk to him and help to keep his memory alive for Parker other than the one he'd referred to simply as Bones.
So they'd stayed in contact. It was hard at first, and neither she or Parker said much. But somehow just being around the little boy made her feel like maybe she was closer to Booth, though she realized that it wasn't possible.
"According to science, I'll never be able to see you again. Anything that will occur in the future will simply be a product of my imagination." Temperance said as if it were a complete fact. Her voice came out tersely, smooth as the stone that Booth's name had been carved into. She ran her finger over the name and dates, stopping at the nine in '2009'.
"I know that you believed in the afterlife, and such tales of heaven and an everlasting life. You believed that there was somewhere better to go after you left this earth." Her voice choked inside her chest as she knew that he was truly gone. "I don't know if such a place exists, but I know that if there is, you're there. Parker seems to believe so, and I don't have the heart to explain the science of it all to him..."
When she closed her eyes, Temperance could almost hear a 'thank you' in the wind that rustled by. She knew that Booth wouldn't have appreciated her telling Parker that there wasn't such a thing, and in a way not saying anything made the pain hurt a little less.
"I don't know what I believe in." Temperance said, suddenly feeling as if a weight had been pulled from her shoulders. "When I was younger...before my parents left, I used to think that maybe there was something greater somewhere. I was too young to fully comprehend what it was, or to put a name on it, but everything made sense then. But after everything that happened, I couldn't see how God would let all of the horrible things that occurred go on. I turned to science because in a world of foster homes, and of a fast changing world, science was the only thing that made sense. Either something was or it wasn't."
"I turned to science because I knew that it would help people. I couldn't see how believing in some invisible being would further anyone's life." Temperance remembered the conversation with Booth inside of the church, and how it became clear to her just how much Booth really did believe. "But you did. You believed in something that you couldn't see, and I can't help but think that maybe that's a part of what made you who you were." She felt a crackle in her throat as she muttered the last word.
Temperance took in a deep breath as she felt the storm clouds begin to offer a light spray. "To believe that there is no God, that anyone who dies never becomes anything but a corpse lying six feet under the ground would be to acknowledge the fact that you no longer exist." Temperance said slowly, as if she were trying to make herself understand. "However, to believe that there is a God would mean that there is a possibility that you are safe and sound somewhere planes away, no longer faced with the torments that this world brought, tucked safely away. To believe would mean that you are more than a set of remains."
Though her voice grew shakier as she continued, Temperance felt like she had to finish what she came to say. "I don't know what I believe in Booth," She declared, finally finding the strength to utter his name. "but I know that I believe in you."
A light rain mixed with her salty tears as she took a moment to try and compose herself. He was gone. Booth was literally gone, and she was at a loss as to how she was supposed to stop it. The truth was that she couldn't turn back time, she couldn't erase anything that had happened, and that this time he wouldn't be coming back. Somehow though, coming to see him made Temperance feel as if a part of him was still there.
It's okay, I'm right here.
Booth's words from so long ago echoed in her ears, and a sob finally crept free. "I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought was humanly possible. The arguments over who would drive, the protectiveness whenever another alpha male was around...even that stupid smile you used quite effectively." Temperance's eyes were red, but aside from a few tears that still linger, the crying had ceased. "You aren't coming back."
She knew she'd said it more to herself than for anything else, but still managed to feel better than she had before. Taking a deep breath, Temperance lay the flower next to the statue of an angel that Parker had brought. It was then that she caught sight of a small photo that was taped to the back. Her heart swelled at the sight of her, Booth and Parker huddled under a tree, faces beaming at the camera. Angela had taken it when everyone went to a festival one weekend in the park. She flipped the picture over to see a shaky scrawl that she recognized as Parker's: To Daddy. I miss you so much. Love, Parker
It was then that the wheels clicked inside of her head. Parker. She quietly set the statue down next to her flower, and ran a hand back across the grave marker. Though she wasn't sure how she knew, it registered somewhere within her than she'd always have a part of Booth with her, no matter where she was. "I have to go now...I promised Parker that I'd bring dinner. I guess Rebecca has a date, but I really don't mind." Temperance said with a shrug. "We both miss you."
Temperance started to stand, but paused on her knees as her eyes caught sight of the quote underneath his name. 'Devoted father, caring friend'. It sounded like something so generic, because she knew as well as anyone how much more Booth meant to everyone. Her heart played in synch with a fresh duo of tears as they trickled down her cheeks. "I love you, Seeley." Temperance said with an air that felt so natural it surprised even herself.
She stood, taking one last look around. The rain had started to fall slightly harder, and until then she hadn't even noticed. Temperance had been too caught up to even allow it to register. It was something that Booth had always admired about her; she could be so intent and focused on something that it seemed like the rest of the world shut down. Offering a smile that somehow felt refreshing, Temperance felt more content than she had in a year. Knowing it wasn't forever, and that Parker was waiting for her, she knew it was time to go.
The wind picked up again, and though she knew it was imagination, for a split second it was like she could feel his arms around her. Allowing herself to indulge in the feeling just for a second, Temperance breathed the cold air in. "Good-bye."