He vomited. He continued to vomit. He had vomited for lord-knew-how-long. Even as he clutched his stomach and doubled over, he still didn't feel like it was enough. He could have sworn he had seen blood mix in with the substance since he had run out of food. Eren wouldn't have minded if his intestines fell into the pool of vomit for it would have made his life so much easier. It would have lessened the pain. He knew that much—or thought he knew—he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he had felt betrayed, hurt, cheated; he had felt like a dirty little slut. He felt like all he had done was whore himself out for Rivaille. But that wasn't true, he knew, for they had never slept together and Eren had never demanded sex in the first place. A few tentative kisses did not make a relationship, he also knew, but the pain that entered him so suddenly felt much dirtier than it should have felt. Rivaille had always preferred Irvin, he could remember, so why did he feel the urge to force himself upon the Corporal? He wasn't sure. The Corporal was older than him, his commanding officer, he had an unwelcoming personality, and he abused him in every aspect. Eren had come to know that, yet… why did he still love him after he knew all of these things? It was irritating because he knew he was only hurting himself. But there he was, sobbing uncontrollably and vomiting; asking for death because he couldn't help but want to die. The pain was too much. He imagined a Titan chewing his legs to be less painful than this. 'This' being his own delusions that he had set up for himself in the most pathetic manner; he was only hurting himself. Eren couldn't vomit anymore, he wanted to, yet couldn't despite how much he tried to force it out. It hurt and it felt good. He clenched his fists and sank down to the ground; careful not to land in the puddle of his regurgitation. He then pushed himself against the castle wall and tucked his knees to his chest like a lonely child. His tears would not subside and became the most violent of sobs; shaking his frame with each ragged breath he heaved. The sky was gray; the crystalline canvas had fallen to such a washed color as a storm had been predicted. Eren knew he wouldn't mind if it rained and he caught a cold. He was fine with a lot of things right now. Not all of them good. He was grateful for the fact that Mikasa and Armin weren't here for they would have asked him many questions and prod him for answers out of their concern. He was also grateful for their friendship, but didn't want to speak and didn't know if he ever would again. He also knew he was overreacting but maybe that was just because of how much he had loved the Corporal.
Love… he mulled over the word and tried to decipher what it meant to him. What did it mean? It meant to him that he wanted to be with someone, this person could take his mind off of his pain and could comfort him. The Corporal never comforted him, but in the time they were together; alone, he expressed love for Eren. But was it really love? Was it just some spotty affection he had shown to a subordinate to make them feel better? He huffed slightly at the thought and found it to be likely. He had always called him 'brat' so the notion of this affair being out of pity was fairly likely. But why did he feel like there was more? Was it really just his own pathetic delusions because he just wanted someone? No, it had to be more than just someone simply because he only felt this way about the Corporal. Eren lightly ran his thumb over his cheek; he wasn't sobbing like a child but he was still crying whilst contemplating the nature of his relationship with the older male. It was probably disgusting. But there hadn't been intercourse so surely it hadn't been that bad. Perhaps he only felt it to be disgusting because of their evident rank and age difference. But Eren didn't care about those things. He honestly did like the Corporal. He loved the way he would frown, the way his eyes would glint in battle, the way as to how he could be tired and lean on Eren when they were alone. Eren loved the warmth that radiated from his touch whenever they were alone and how he would place a hand on his head to get him to look at him whenever Eren was feeling nervous. He loved how serious he could be and didn't mind the fact he cleaned obsessively. He noticed the older male's little habits, too, like how he would adjust his cravat whenever moving to speak. How he wouldn't speak as formally as the others and use loose terms that any man on the street would use. He loved how comfortable he could be around the Corporal because of his dialect and nonchalance in his manners. But he also knew the other could speak in more serious tones when required of him.
The Titan-shifter sighed a bit. He had really been a fool for believing that a man such as him would return his feelings. He wanted to stop the tears that ran down his cheeks endlessly but couldn't—that was what annoyed him even more. He wasn't strong. His throat was tight and his knees were shaking. He certainly felt like he was in a sorry state and was grateful for the fact that there was no one around. With a loud snort from his watery nose; he buried his face in his sleeve and wiped his nose. His eyes were closed; his lashes drooped with tears. It was easier to keep his eyes closed yet tears still managed to escape. The cadet didn't look up from his sleeve simply because he didn't want to see or feel anything. He didn't want to hear anything, either, but the voice of the man he had thought he loved rang through his ears. His voice was deep despite his small stature; it rang with a sort of pronounced clearness and commanded respect. It could be spiked with a sharp tone or lessen into something slightly more sympathetic. It could say the most reassuring things to support its soldiers and it made Eren feel appreciated. His voice was something he always wanted to wake up to. He would never say that—he didn't have the courage to and he knew his words wouldn't be accepted. Eren was, to his own knowledge, basically a brat who couldn't get his emotions in control. He was passionate, he had been told, in good and bad ways. At this point, he had assumed them to be bad. They were bad if they had gotten him into this mess. This undesirable mess he had never wanted yet had been branded with. It was his own feelings that were the perpetrator of it all. This mess was his fault and he just wanted for Rivaille to tell him he was a fool and that they would never speak unless it was required of them to do so.
"Jaeger," the voice spoke again. Eren kept his head in his sleeve and shook his head; not wanting to look up.
Rivaille then moved to sit by the other on the wall; eyeing the puddles of regurgitation with disdain. His gaze then flickered to the hunched over cadet; the only thing visible of him being his forehead and ears. He had felt horrible. He hadn't expected Eren to walk in while he and Irvin were osculating. Then again, would he have felt bad if Eren hadn't walked in? He carefully mulled it over, the answer not making itself apparent to his own mind. He and Eren had a brief relationship, he remembered, but he hadn't actually expected the Titan-shifter to be serious about it. Then again, it was his own fault for being vague and not calling it off; he blurred the lines, he knew, and had hurt the cadet more than he should have. There he was, a sobbing mess before him, unwilling to look at him and clearly ashamed of his state. "Eren," he began firmly. "Look at me."
The brunette looked up a bit and wiped his eyes with the palmares of his hands. He let out a small hiccup, suddenly feeling extremely pathetic for sobbing outside of the Scouting Legion castle and having the Corporal find him in such a plight. "You don't have to apologize," he began with a sigh. He then gritted his teeth, as if willing himself to stop crying. "It was my fault for forcing my feelings on you and…" his breath hitched and more tears leaked from his eyes despite his efforts to contain them. "I'm sick of getting hurt by you, anyways, so it's fine," he said earnestly, his voice faltering with each word he spoke.
"Eren… I'm sorry…" Rivaille began slowly. He had never been the sort to apologize and couldn't quite comprehend what was compelling himself to do so to the Titan-shifter. Was it because he had hurt him? No, he had hurt people before. It was different with Eren, he realized, with a slight release of breath. He cared about him too much to hurt him intentionally. Perhaps that was what set him apart from all the people he had ever met in his life.
"You don't have to apologize," the younger male averted his gaze and bit his lower lip as if keeping back a flood of words that wanted to escape his lips and make themselves apparent to the Corporal. "I can see why you like Irvin…" he began slowly as if carefully choosing his words. "I was an idiot for thinking you liked me…" his gaze lowered to the floor and tears slipped from his eyes. He didn't care if he was crying in front of the other. He was just tired. He was tired of being hurt and being uncertain and having his feelings danced upon a merry-go-round of ambiguity. "Don't say words like 'you're sorry' and 'I love you' when you don't mean it!" he said suddenly, his voice rose as he struggled to control himself. Waves of passionate pain and hurt crashed into the pool of his mind and stirred more unpleasant feelings within him. His fingers curled in as he tried to calm himself down no matter how much he wanted to hit the other for playing with his feelings.
"Eren," he said harshly; his gaze soon flickering into the other's with a sharpness the cadet was all too familiar with. "I'm not the sort of person to say things I don't mean!" Rivaille felt like he was being called a liar. He didn't like being called a liar. He thought the other was pretty damn lucky to have him say 'I love you' once or twice. But he found it odd for he then remembered his resolution to draw the line in their relationship to indicate it was over. Yet he couldn't. He didn't know why he couldn't but he simply couldn't and it was the worst feeling he could possibly have. He was confused, he realized, and he certainly didn't like being confused.
"Then why were you kissing Irvin!?" he snapped, not daring to meet his eyes. "Why am I always 'brat', 'dog', 'idiot', and so many more rude nicknames to you? You don't have to say anything to patronize me!" he hissed. "Just treat me like your subordinates again… please…" he begged his voice cracking as he drew to the close of his sentence. "I'm tired of getting hurt."
"Eren, you don't understand. Things got out of hand with Irvin and I'm sorry—"
"If I don't understand then explain it to me!" he interrupted with a sharp word. "Because it looked like you two were both enjoying it thoroughly!" his fists clenched and unclenched as he struggled to restrain his emotions. He had always let them run loose like animals and he knew he certainly couldn't do that for it would do nothing to further him in life.
"I fucking told you things got out of hand. If you hate me, I don't blame you but…" he wasn't sure what the 'but' was yet it added a sort of uncertainty as if he was withholding from important words. Rivaille wasn't sure as to what words they were yet he was definitely holding something back.
"You're always so embarrassed to be around me…" Eren began softly, staring at his hands. His eyes were half-lidded as he spoke. He was tired. He didn't want to speak yet he knew speaking was expected of him.
Just leave… please…
"I only hear you say you love me when we're alone. I don't hate you because you know I just can't. You just hurt… a lot. Being with you hurts, thinking about you hurts, knowing I'm the sort of person who could never have someone like you also hurts…" he continued shakily. "And I keep coming back like a dog. You hurt me physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally. Everything involving you hurts yet I love you so much. But it's hurting me, Rivaille, it's really hurting me…" he finished with a shaky breath.
It did ail, it was like being on a cycle of pain where there would be good parts yet most of it was bad parts. He was still madly in love and he knew he was a fool for allowing this to drag on. What happens once will happen twice, what happens twice will happen thrice, he could remember his mother saying in the kitchen. She would always say it to explain why she grounded him. But this situation was different in its own way; he wasn't short on collecting firewood, he was being hurt by the person he loved and he was too conflicted with love to leave him even if it was slowly rotting him in every way. It couldn't have been healthy, he knew, but he just didn't want to leave. He didn't have the heart to leave because he was too dedicated. It often felt like Rivaille had a leash to tether him by.
"Am… am I really that… horrible?" he suddenly asked.
Eren blinked and looked at the other. He wasn't sure as to what he was thinking but the fact he had asked such a question alarmed him greatly. "I'm horrible for trying to get you to like me when you have no right to. I keep forcing myself on you so it only makes sense that you would like Irvin," he said at last. Irvin was certainly better than him in a lot of way and he knew this, though he struggled to find the courage to let Rivaille go. He couldn't. That was what his problem was. And for that, he was selfish.
Rivaille heaved a deep sigh before gazing ahead blankly, "It was never your fault… none of it was…"
"I forced myself on you and I stress out about you all the time. I cause problems…" Eren replied shakily; his hands twitching. He did cause problems. He always caused problems. He was always the start of problems. He was the medium for such an undesirable thing.
"If it helps," Rivaille closed his eyes. "I can go away. I can lessen our contact to the point where it's only when it's necessary."
"That's the fucking problem!" Eren said, swiftly rising to his feet and jerking the shorter male up. He suddenly pressed him against the smooth, stone wall. His arms were kept at the other's sides as if to prevent him from escaping. Eren was very much aware of the fact that the Corporal could easily hurt him and beat him in a fight even if he had put him in a rather tough position. His voice then rose to match the angry waves of his mind. Rivaille was going to listen. He would make him listen. "I'm too fucking in love with you to let you go! You have no idea how much of an influence you actually have on me!" he growled angrily. "You leaving would never make me the slightest bit of fucking happy! I swear to God I'm basically your bitch at this point because I would do anything and everything for you!" his chest rose and fell in angry breaths as he spoke his mind. The other needed to know how he felt. If he didn't return anything, then that was fine because he was content by just seeing him.
"Eren…" Rivaille looked at the cadet, surprise etched clearly upon his features. He wasn't sure what to say for he had never had someone say such things to him before. It was… odd.
"You want me gone?! Fine. You want to be with Irvin!? That's also fine! Even if you hate me I would be the happiest person on Earth as long as I saw you happy and just passing you in the halls or working with you on a mission!" he shouted; his gaze narrowing passionately. "I can live with you pushing me out of your life but I can't live with not seeing you at all no matter what our relationship is!" his breaths were ragged and he shook; fresh tears built in his turquoise eyes as he sharply met Rivaille's gray gaze.
Nobody had ever said such things to him. Nobody had ever slammed him against the wall and declared their love to him. Nobody had ever looked so serious when speaking to him yet had their eyes blaze with such a subdued passion that grew into a raging flame; consuming all who looked into it. Nobody had ever wanted him so badly in his life. This man—the person he had taunted, hurt, disrespected—was madly in love with him and sent a surge of foreign emotions through him. Eren was the only person who could bring out such feelings in him whether it be passionate annoyance or the sudden urge to hold and never let go. His breath was hitched a bit and he suddenly hugged the Titan-shifter closely to him; his pale hands rubbing his back and stroking his hair reassuringly. His face was opaque for he wasn't sure as to contort it to match the joy he felt. It was all foreign—as if someone had placed something delicate and beautiful onto his lap and he wasn't quite sure what to do with it and how to treat it. That all he knew that it was beautiful and delicate. "It pisses me off that you think I hate you…" he grumbled.
He closed his eyes a bit when Eren returned the embrace just as tightly. "I just thought you were never happy with me and that I was a nuisance…" he admitted.
You are a nuisance… the Corporal thought with a slight huff. But... you're mine—my nuisance.
"I… am happy with you," he said, still finding the words to be foreign to him. It wasn't easy to say such things yet he was saying them. He certainly felt them with every fiber of his being yet knew he was atrocious at expressing them. "I just… I'm not good at expressing it," he finished quickly, wanting to stop speaking. He was not a man of many words when it came to his feelings. He knew that Eren was aware of the fact but he also knew that he needed to reassure him when it came to this complexity.
"You don't have to do it so outwardly…" Eren said at last. "I'd just like to hold your hand without having you glare at me in public. I like your warmth," he said rather bluntly.
"I'll try to be more affectionate them," he replied, a bit surprised he had agreed to it. Was he really that afraid of losing Eren? It certainly seemed likely and that was what bothered him. There was a chance that he could die and Eren could die considering their line of work. Loving something so vulnerable—something that could die—was truly Hell and worrisome.
Eren loosened the embrace a bit to meet his eyes. He then gingerly placed his forehead against his and closed his eyes as if dealing with something precious. "You have no idea how much I love you and how glad I am to hear that…"
Rivaille blushed a bit and sighed. "Don't get emotional on me, Eren," he grumbled; finding the declarations of love touching yet far too lovey-dovey to his own tastes.
"I'll try not to," the Titan-shifter whispered as he nuzzled the smaller male's neck.