Where Was My Fault (In Loving You With My Whole Heart)

Dedicated to Cris. Thank you for your unwavering support and amazing friendship.

It's a little past 3pm and Santiago has been back into his office for less than an hour after taking a lunch break, when his secretary tells him he has a call on hold.

"Hello, this is Santiago Lopez speaking."

"Good afternoon, Mr. Lopez. I'm speaking from the New York Presbyterian," a woman's cool and professional voice comes through the speakerphone. Santiago feels his stomach knot but he just lets the woman continue. "I was told to call to this number to inform you that Ms. Jessica Roberts is now in labor. I believe you're somehow related to her?"

"No- I mean, yes. Sort of. I'll be on my way there."

Santiago barely processes everything that happens in the thirty minutes that takes him to get out of his office and into the hospital's labor room. He doesn't remember telling his secretary to cancel all his appointments for the afternoon, he never saw the two red lights he drove by in his hurry, he can't recall the standoff-ish way the woman at the Presbyterian reception told him where the woman carrying his daughter is.

He waits impatiently as the numbers inside the elevator go higher and higher. Out of his jacket pocket, he gets his cellphone, quickly dialing the first number on his speed dial. It goes straight to voicemail. Santiago looks incredulously at his phone, "Really?! Now?"

As soon as the doors of the elevator open, he's crossing the hallway in long powerful strides, trying his hardest to stop himself from running. He walks straight to the nurse station, "I was told that Jessica Roberts was in one of the labor rooms in this floor?"

The woman starts looking for the information file in the midst of, what seems like to Santiago anyway, the messiest desk he has ever seen. And if he's already irked by disorganization any other given day, then staring at this woman scurrying through piles and piles of paper on this particular night is testing the limits of his very limited patience.

"Can you please hurry up!? My daughter is about to be born, and I would like to be there, if that seems reasonable enough to you."

That remark gets him a pointed glare but the woman is finally able to point him to the right room, not before she tries stop him with a, "Sir, there's already someone in there!" but he's already yelling an absent minded, "Thank you!" as he actually runs through the hallway this time.

He bursts through the labor room but as soon as he's inside he stops abruptly, overwhelmed by all that's happening inside. He supposes the mother of his child is lying in the bed that's in the middle of the room but he can't see her; she's completely surrounded by nurses and he sees the doctor sitting at the end of the bed, encouraging her to push.

Most importantly, at the left side of the bed, holding Jessica's hand is Brett. Their eyes meet and Brett smiles bashfully at him but Santiago can't help himself, and he doesn't want to either; his joy takes over him completely and he's smiling the widest he ever has, but soon enough smiling isn't enough to hold in all his happiness and he lets out a loud chuckle, bringing everyone's attention to him and allowing him a look at the woman who's giving birth to his daughter.

She looks like a mess, all sweaty and red faced, gritting her teeth as she pushes harder and harder like the doctor orders her to. He walks closer to her, until he's standing on her right side, across from Brett. He doesn't say anything to her, he just takes her hand and lets her basically smash the bones in his hand in what has to be the tightest grip he's ever felt, from a man or woman. They were never really that close anyway, and Santiago starts to feel a little awkward being here, watching this almost stranger in such a vulnerable position. Whenever they'd meet with her to check up on the pregnancy, Brett had always been the one who made friendly talk with her. Not that Santiago isn't eternally grateful to this woman for carrying his and Brett's baby but the fact that they had to involve a third party in the whole thing had always left him feeling bitter towards the whole surrogacy thing.

Santiago lifts up his gaze to find Brett already staring at him. They share a soft smile, their eyes connected as they enter their own world, where they see the future that awaits for them, an entire life together, now with a very special addition to their family. They lose themselves in the warmth of their connection, the deep rooted feeling of loving someone for years and loving them so completely that he can't imagine loving another.

Their almost dream-like state of mind is broken by the cries of a baby, his daughter, and there's a whirlwind of emotions running through him as he looks over to the doctor, who's now handling the baby over to a nurse to be cleaned up. It seems as if everything happens in a blur in the next few moments because he's surprised to see Brett in front of him, right next to a nurse who's smiling warmly at them and asks, "Who wants to hold her first?"

Santiago can't even see her properly, because the nurse's arm is blocking his vision but the overwhelming rush of mixed feelings is making him scared and he looks at Brett for strength, as he always has, because even though Brett is the one with the gentle smiles and kind words, he has always been the strongest of the two. It's with one of Brett's smiles, that he offers to Santiago before he moves to hold his daughter, that he stops feeling lightheaded and dizzy and moves closer to the two most important things in his life.

It's surreal how quickly Santiago falls in love with this tiny human that the only person he thought he'd ever love this wholly holds in his arms. She hasn't even opened her eyes, and she looks so pink he's afraid there's something wrong with her, but then she sighs like she's thinking how silly Santiago's being and she's absolutely perfect. In that moment he feels something break loose inside his chest and he can barely stop himself as he moves his right hand to cup Brett's jaw, who is still watching the baby in a complete daze, and he tilts Brett's head towards him as he leans forward to kiss him. He can feel the surprise in his lips for a moment but right the next instant he's kissing him back. It's not a furious, passionate kiss, even though it takes his breath away. It's not soft or slow even though it's still sweet and caring. It carries a bit of desperation, a little of insecurity but most of all it's pure unadulterated joy. Santiago's sharing his happiness with Brett and Brett's sharing his with Santiago and they are like pieces in a mechanism, where if one of them is missing, the other doesn't work properly.

He breaks the kiss but he keeps close to Brett; his forehead leaning against his temple, his arm wrapped around his waist, his chest against his side. It's warm and comforting and as he looks over his shoulder to the baby he's holding, it feels right.

"What are we naming her, San?" Brett asks in a soft voice, using the back of his index finger to caress the soft cheek of the baby. Santiago is mesmerized.

He tries to reply but his voice fails him. He clears his throat before saying, "I know we never really picked a definite one but- I really like Ella." The baby girl opens her mouth and yawns and Brett seems to take that as her very own approval of the name.

"Hello, Ella."

Santiago and Brett both take a week off work to organize things after Ella's born. She and her mom stay a couple of days at the hospital, and they both spend those days going back and forth between the hospital and their apartment and stores making sure that the mom has everything she needs and that they both have everything they need for when they take Ella home.

She's a healthy baby so they get to take her home after three sleepless nights, where most of the time that Santiago isn't at the hospital at her side, he's lying in bed thinking about her and Brett says "she's already got you wrapped around her little finger."

For once, he doesn't mind showing vulnerability to anyone else that isn't Brett. When he gets to hold Ella in his arms, he lets himself smile as wide as humanly possible, for everyone to see how much he loves her; but most of all, so she sees how much he loves her. And when she's laying in the hospital's bassinet, fast asleep after exhausting herself breastfeeding, he leans so close to her he can feel her soft short breaths hit face, and when he looks up, his vision slightly blurry from the tears in his eyes, he sees Brett smiling proudly at him.

Things at home with Ella have been smooth as possible, considering they're both complete newbies when it comes to newborns. Brett has taken up the role of stay at home dad, since it's easier for him to take a bigger break off of work than it is for Santiago. However, Santiago was surprised when not even a few hours in his first day back at the office, he was already missing Ella and Brett.

Ella doesn't even spend more than an hour awake between feedings but he misses just lying in bed with Brett, their baby girl lying in between them, with the TV on mute in the background as both of them watch her tirelessly, mesmerized by her entire being. He misses seeing Brett handling her so effortlessly, like he's been doing this for years, and it's beautiful how mundane things like him feeding her a bottle or waiting for her to burp became the most captivating of sights. He even misses waking up from a much needed power nap in the afternoon because even though Ella is his little angel, she manages to keep him up almost all night; she's a fussy baby but Santiago has learned her ways already.

Whenever Ella starts crying in the middle of the night and it's Santiago's turn to go and get her, he presses a quick kiss to Brett's shoulder and whispers, "I got her." to which Brett just hums in response before burying his face back into his pillow. It just takes two quick strides over to Ella's bassinet, which is closer to his side of the bed and his heart just breaks at the sight of her distress. First he checks to see if she needs a change. If she doesn't, he lifts her up and holds her so she's resting her head against his bare chest. She's so warm and soft against him and his insides warm up because of her. The small wisps of hair that sit on top of her head tickle his neck and he moves his head to the side so he can press his lips softly to her forehead. She quiets as he hushes her, rocking her slightly in his arms but he can still hear her whimper every now and then and with every tiny whimper, his heart hurts a little bit more.

Sleep only comes to her once again after he starts humming to the tune of an old Spanish lullaby he remembers his mami sang to his little sister, and even though he doesn't know the lyrics to it, it works just perfectly for Ella. He walks around his room, pacing back and forth, humming softly against her forehead, as she falls deeper and deeper asleep and he takes a look at Brett's body sprawled on the bed before he takes Ella back to her bassinet.

Getting his spot back in bed is a bit tricky but he run his hands smoothly up and down Brett's sides and Brett moves to the side, laying on his back now.

"You're the best papi she could ever ask for," Brett whispers, like it's a secret to be kept inside the walls of their room, just for him and Santiago and Ella to know about. He remembers Brett telling him, when he was just 16 and scared, that secrets can be very special things when they're shared with the right people.

Santiago doesn't want his family to be a secret; he's not ashamed or scared. He'll gladly take Brett's hand in public as their daughter plays at the park. He'll be there for every parent-teacher conference. He'll kiss Brett in the middle of the sidewalk because he wants to and because he can. He'll push Ella's stroller as they go shopping and Brett will put his hand on top of his because they love each other and they love Ella and this is the family they've been dreaming of since they were closeted teenagers in small town Lima, Ohio and finding out what love truly is.

He found out that for him love is Brett and Ella.

For the next two weeks after Santiago goes back to work it seems that they are the busiest days he's ever had since he started working at the firm.

He leaves their apartment early, already feeling tired in the morning, and he gets home late, when Brett is usually already in bed after falling asleep watching reruns of Rizzoli & Isles, and Ella is quietly sleeping in her bassinet. He still gets to comfort her in the middle of the night, when she wakes up scared or hungry, but he misses sharing the little things with Brett. It also makes him realize that he and Brett haven't had a moment alone to simply bask in each other's company for over a month now, and worse than that, since Santiago's been back to work, they hadn't had a proper talk.

Even with Ella in their lives now, they'd still been able to lay in bed, cuddled together, sometimes with Santiago as the big spoon but most of them not. They'd just quietly talk about their day, Santiago telling Brett about this new associate who "keeps yelling about getting things done but never actually gets anything done" and in turn, Brett tells him all about little Ella, who Brett thinks has inherited Santiago's feistiness because, "I swear San, she slapped my hand away when I tried to move away her bottle!"

With that he decides that something has to change, and it has to be soon. He lets his secretary know he'll be leaving early today and even though she reminds him that he still has some paperwork to look over, he just dismisses her and shouts back at her, "I need to go be with my family!" before sliding through the closing doors of the floor's elevator.

Going through traffic at 5pm feels close to hell for Santiago and he's so eager to get home that he all but runs inside his apartment building, pressing furiously on the elevator's button as if it's going to make it come any faster.

As soon as he opens the door to his apartment he calls out, "Brett, baby?"

There's no answer.

Santiago frowns because usually when Brett goes out with Ella, he texts him to let Santiago know. "You're like one of those mother hens, except you're like, papi hen," Brett joked one day.

He looks inside the kitchen in case Brett was there and just hadn't heard him but when he walks in the living room, his heart melts at the sight.

Lying in the couch, snoring slightly, is Brett and Ella, wearing her "my dads don't want your opinion" onesie, huddled tightly in her dad's chest.

Santiago lets out a small chuckle under his breath because this is just perfect. Getting to come home to this is even better than any other scenario he had come up with and he takes a seat on the coffee table, just so he can stare at them for a little while.

He wants to take a picture, to keep this moment with him forever, but he realizes he doesn't have to. He's been making memories with Brett since they're 10 years old and he knows he will never forget all the special moments they've shared. He won't forget either all the memories he has yet to make with Brett and Ella.

Reaching forward, he brushes Brett's unruly bangs from his forehead, making Brett stir. He blinks and Santiago finds himself thinking for what's possibly the hundredth time now, that Brett's eyes are always the prettiest shade of blue when he wakes up.

"Hey," Brett says, a lazy smile gracing his lips.

"Hola, mi amor." His smile widens further until it takes over his face completely, both his mouth and eyes smiling up at him.

It's been a thing between them. Whenever Brett greets him, Santiago always greets him back in Spanish; apparently speaking Spanish does a great deal in kicking up Brett's libido, so he never found any reason to do otherwise.

"We were watching Looney Tunes," Brett explains, looking at Ella to make sure she doesn't wake up, "I think her favorite is Sylvester."

Santiago can't help but laugh at that but he stops himself after Ella takes a deep breath, as if warning them that if they keep up the noise she will wake up, and she will cry.

"Want me to take her to bed? I was thinking: just you and I tonight. I'll cook dinner."

Before Santiago can think of elaborating his plans for tonight, Brett's already carefully scooping Ella up to take her to her bassinet. However, before he moves out of Santiago's reach, Santiago stands up and, "You're forgetting something."

His right hand moves to cup Brett's cheek while his left hand wraps around his waist to pull him closer before he leans in to kiss him. Someone lets out a small moan and he's too lost in the moment to worry himself over who did it, because he's kissing the love of his life and he can feel their daughter sleeping between their chests and he's overwhelmed; he feels so much love surrounding him, inside him, consuming him and he feels like he's about to burst with so much feeling.

They part and Brett whispers, "We missed you. I missed you."

Santiago offers him a small reassuring smile before saying, "I know. And I missed you. Both of you. There's not a moment when I'm without you that I'm not thinking of you or wanting to be with you."

The look in Brett's face is always worth every moment of vulnerability. He was the first person Santiago gave his heart to and he has never let him down; there was never a moment he ever regretted giving himself away so completely to someone else.

Brett smiles gently before leaning in to give Santiago a quick kiss. "We'll just have to make sure we make a lot of good memories to keep your mind busy when you're away, won't we?" And he winks before turning around to leave the room, leaving behind a stunned Santiago with a dopey smile on his face.

He really can't wait to start making these memories.