Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, or anything else for that matter.
Not quite anything, it feels like a mixture of sadness and emptyness. Yes, that's what it is.
All my life, everything has been set for me, my personality, my clothes, even my destiny.
Is a destiny a thing that can be changed, or is it set from the day of birth? I belive mine was
set, for it was extremely cruel.
Sometimes I wonder these things when I am alone, no one to inturrupt my thoughts. My
thoughts...one of the only things I can rely on anymore. For some reason, my life just doesn't
feel in place anymore, like blocks set up and kicked down by an innocent young child.
Slouching in my chair I sit up, he's in my head again. His messy blonde hair, his calm, deep
blue eyes, and his look of concern for everyone and everything. Everytime I think of him, I get
a deep pain in my chest, my heart aches of being alone too much, too often.
Why do people say love is a beautiful thing? It causes deep emotional scars, pain, and even
death of depression and lonliness. But those are the only feelings I know anyway, life has been
a hell hole for most of my time, noting only suffering and death, loss and pain.
Looking into my mirrior that hangs on the wall, a sad woman glances back at me, tears streaming
down her face, I wish I could tell her just how pethitic she looks - but she wouldn't listen.
Love has given her a fatal wound no one can cure, not even time. Staring at the reflection,
I could tell by her expression, my heart fell and is broken once more - I remembered that I am
her, and am just as pethitic as her.
Quatre has never known that I have ever existed, this is better off anyway... I tell myself. But
he did care! I shout in my mind. He did want to save me, he just couldn't....
Painful memories I recall of the war four years ago came shooting back, stabbing at me like I
heartlessly stabbed him. In the middle of my sadnees, fear and selfpitty, I laugh. I am startled
why.... I deserved this. This is the pain and suffering I brought upon myself, I guess. I asume
now, even after all my efforts, that I can not make up for everything I have done wrong. I can
only move on, hoping for the best.
My spirits fall again; who are you kidding? How can one move on if all options are cut off and
there is no where to move on to?
A knock on my chamber door startles me, shaking me out of my depression for a moment, distracting
me from my pain of a thousand swords stabbing at my body. I quickly start to wipe the tears I
have shed away from my eyes, "Who is it?", I call to the person on the other side of the door.
"Just a well-wisher who would like to come to cheer you up...", the voice responded in a gentle
tone that I recognized immidiatly, it was him.
"Go away", I announce to him, "I do not wish to see anyone!". I could almost feel the hurt he
was feeling from my harshness, I now felt worse, I felt worse than ever.
"But Ms. Dorothy...", he trailed off, then spoke again, "I wish to play something for you on my
violin, and if you won't let me in, I'll play it out here..". Finishing his statement he begain
to play, pouring his soul out through the stings on his violin. The music was so beautiful; so
deeply inspiring it almost hurt listening to it. It seemed to express his pain; his sympathy for
me, his understanding of my feelings, as if he could relate to me.
The notes that he played echoed in my heart and soul, I begain to cry again. "Stop it, stop
it!", I shout, I couldn't take it. I don't understand what he is trying to tell me, I just want
him gone, as if he goes he'll take my pain away with him.
The music suddenly stopped, no more was said. Just the slight noise of his shoes softly padding
on the carpeted floor, getting more and more distant, then disappearing. He was gone. I threw
myself onto my bed and begin to cry harder than I ever have before.
A few weeks later I found out from Ms. Relena what Quatre had wanted; my soul's worst fear - he
wanted to marry me. My fear wasn't that I was afriad to get married, but that something like
this would happen and I'd end up alone. But it was too late now, I've ruined it for both of us
with my selfpitty. As Ms. Relena said, "Quatre is very upset, he has went back to space and has
failed to contact anyone..", the look on her face seemed to tell the truth I didn't want to
belive and the last of my heart sank back down into the hole where it was before, which was a
vast hole of nothingness.
- Veggies..