Being in Love
He had told her that he would not accompany her to the dance this weekend. Now that everyone had moved on, he socialized less and less. He preferred to spend his time on the ranch he had started with Teaspoon. Working with horses was much easier than going into town.
Rachel stood at the top of the porch, with her hands on her hips, giving him her most aggravated smile.
He braced himself for what he knew was coming, again and again, the woman was relentless.
"Buck Cross," Rachel called out, "Don't you want to be in love?"
He looked at her with a wry smile on his face and weighed his words. More than anything, he wanted to get her to stop, to stop pushing him, to stop asking him questions he didn't know how to answer, to stop reminding him that he did not share his life with anyone, no matter what his heart longed for.
"Being in love, Rachel? Whatever makes you think that I haven't been in love? "
Surprise registered on Rachel's face as Buck shared such an intimate personal detail. She had worked for years to get him to open up to her and he resisted her at every turn. She knew he looked on her attempts as those of a pesky older sister, but she was out of ideas on that front. So his forthcoming words knocked her several steps back.
"I've been in love plenty. I was in love with a young girl once, a girl who was to be my wife. But fate intervened and Little Bird and I were not meant to be. You know as well as I do, that Camille is happily married to Bill Barlow."
His heart still twisted at the thought of Billy Barlow. He knew he wasn't really in love with Camille, that his feelings were more those of a beloved brother. After all, they were merely children when they were promised. But the jealousy he felt at what she shared with someone else was there all the same. Buck had promised to love and protect Little Bird, he would always care for her, do anything in his power to protect her. He proved that once, just a few years ago. He would do it again, if ever called upon.
"I was in love again after that, I met a beautiful young woman whose smile enticed me to forget myself, forget my place. I would have done anything for her."
Buck paused as his thoughts raced back to Kathleen Devlin. Her beauty, her smile, and her willingness to look past his heritage had reeled him in like Teaspoon reeled in trout from the stream. He had shared with her his most sacred self. And she had played him for a fool. He would never forget the deep shame that his time with her caused him to feel, even now after so much time.
"I killed a man for her. And you know what my being in love got me, Rachel? It got me the heartache of watching her turn her back on me to pledge her devotion to her Daddy."
He looked at Rachel, tears stinging the back of his eyes as he noted that she had the good grace to be looking down as if she couldn't face him. This was one of the most difficult conversations of his life.
He continued, "And let's not forget that I even had the gall to fall in love with Bill Tompkin's daughter, and that is something I don't think any of the others would have dared, not even Cody. We only knew each other a short time, but I was in love with Jenny. She left because she could not live with her father."
"It's a little funny, one girl chose her father over her feelings for me and the other chose to leave her father over her feelings for me. "
There was a hitch in his voice as he continued. "I've been in love plenty, what's missing, is somebody being in love with me."
Buck's voice broke, his pain raw, "I know, I know, I'm crazy to want a woman who would put me before her father. What am I thinking to want a woman who is beautiful, intelligent and well-read? A woman who is strong enough to handle whatever insults polite society throws at her for being with me. Well, no matter what longing I may have in my heart, I will never voice it again. I can't do that to myself."
As Rachel listened to Buck speak, her heart shattered into a million tiny fragments for him. She knew he held deep sorrow within him. What little he shared about Kathleen and Jenny only hinted at the darkness his heart suffered by extending his soul out to another. Rachel knew Buck was capable of deep joy as well. Getting him to accept joy in his life was never going to be an easy task, but she was determined to try.
Rachel lifted her face with her eyes sparkling and gazed into his and said, "So there is someone you're interested in, isn't there Buck?"
The laugh burst forth before he could stop it.
"Don't you ever give up?"
"Not on you, I will never give up. I can't do that." She whispered as she fell further into Buck's bottomless dark eyes,
"Why not? If I can give up on the hope of someone special loving me, then you can too."
Rachel gave her head a small shake before continuing with a sad smile.
"Buck, have you ever wondered why I ask you to go with me to the dances, why I ask you to take me into town, to go riding once in awhile, to go on a picnic?"
"You seem to think I do it to make you crazy. If all I wanted was to do those things, I could ask Teaspoon. Hell, I could ask Bill Tompkins. Have you never once looked at me as I am, a woman? Do you think I exist to wash and mend your clothes, fix your meals and provide you with a little conversation once in awhile?"
She continued. "Have you ever once considered what I might need or want? I know I'm older than you, but I am not that much older. I am still young enough to…"
She choked back a sob. The meaning of her words was clear to them both.
Tears began to cascade down her cheeks as she went on. "I know exactly what you mean, Buck, when you talk about being in love. Love that only flows one way is a miserable existence. And no one knows that better than me. I was hoping that when I asked if there was someone, you would actually say it was me. Well, there's no fool like an old fool. I promise you, I will not bring…"
Rachel's words were cut short as Buck strode up the bunkhouse steps and wrapped his arms tight around her waist and pulled her into his embrace. He looked down, almost losing himself in the green depths of her eyes, his own flashing strong with powerful emotions and kindling desire. Buck arched his eyebrow and gave her that half grin that made her weak in the knees.
"Shut up, Rachel. It's you; it's been you for a long, long time."
She looked at him and one random thought crossed her mind, looking into his eyes was like drowning in chocolate!
He lowered his lips to hers and claimed them in a kiss.
After several long moments he pulled away and leaned his forehead upon hers, searching her face eagerly. He captured a lock of her golden hair, twined it about his long finger then tenderly tucked it back behind her ear as he softly whispered, "Being in love again, might not be so bad after all."
Inspired By:
Being in Love
The Music Man
Music & Lyrics by Meredith Wilson
Many thanks to SeGate and Sunnybrook who made this story so much more than it would have been otherwise. Leah, I especially owe you so much for your help, you really should get co-author recognition! And to the ladies at The Plus, I would never have braved this without you...