Disclaimer: This was the result of a writing game I played with a friend of mine. I don't actually own Twilight.
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Once upon a time, there was a man named George who was CURSED to walk upside-down on the ceiling whenever he went indoors. Because of this curse, he was unable to work, sleep, or eat normally. Instead, he had to learn to swoop at the dinner table like a pelican to get food. He also had to hire someone to attach a mattress to his ceiling.
The only job he could really do was clean ceilings. Unfortunately, he could not do his job if it had rained recently, because otherwise he would get wet footprints all over the ceiling, and then the people walking below him would get dripped on for hours! His biggest problem, however, was that he lived in Washington, where rain is very frequent. In addition, he kept running into irritating sparkly vampires who got glitter all over his nice ceilings. For some reason, the vampires of this region loved to take their glittery skin and rub it all over the ceiling right after he cleaned it.
So George the cursed man hatched a devious plot to stop the vampires by tricking them into walking out into the sunlight, which would kill them.
(He didn't realize that these particular Mary-Sue-pires only sparkle in the sun.)
He realized that these sparkly Sue-pires only targeted him and no one else, so he decided to announce that he had changed his job to roof-cleaning. On the first day of his new job, George was pleased to discover that, since he was outside, he could do his job right side-up!
As he finished cleaning half of the roof, he saw a figure hiding in the shadows of the woods. It was Bella-Sue, the Evil and Improbably Beautiful Vampire Queen of the Night. She was soon joined by another pale figure: Eddie-Sue, the Evil and Probably Gay For Jacob King of the Night. (No, I take that back. Eddie-Sue is obviously more a "Queen of the Night" than a "King." Just sayin'.)
A third figure joined them, except this one was not pale at all. This guy was totally ripped and looked like he could take on Bella- and Eddie-Sue single-handedly, if he weren't holding a girl who looked to be about twelve in his strong, muscular arms. The girl was the daughter-Sue, Renesmee. She was also very pale, and she had flowing, raven brown hair. She was the most beautiful girl George (remember George?) had ever seen, even if she was ugly compared to Bella teh Most Beautiful Immortal Vampire Queen of teh Night. George was very confused about this, for he knew that he was not interested in under age girls. But then he remembered that it was just non-romantic attraction he felt for this beautiful child, unlike SOME people YES, JACOB, I'M TALKING TO YOU.
He completed cleaning the roof and climbed down, got to the bottom of the ladder, and turned the corner of the building. Then, once out of sight, he donned his Garlic-y Cloak of Invisible-ness. You know, because vampires, garlic... You get it. He then climbed the fire escape of the building next door to the roof so he could have a clear view of the demise of these "vampires."
Eddie-kins was the first to climb the roof to gloat about destroying George's work. Bella-Sue followed soon after, but what confused George the most is that they didn't spontaneously combust as soon as the sunlight hit them.
"Be careful, Mom, Dad," the beautiful child helpfully added from the ground as the hunky toned guy ascended to the roof in a Single Leap of Sheer Awesomeness.
"Don't worry, dear," Bella-Sue called back with a smile. "We're Sues; we're impossible to kill!"
George cursed under his breath.
Bella and Eddie started the destruction by rolling all over the roof, covering it with glitter. Jacob didn't have any glitter on his incredible abs and pecs and gorgeous rippling muscles - (Stop it, George, you're straight! George reminded himself.), but he made himself useful by pinching Eddie-Sue's butt every so often. Every time he did so, Eddie would let out a squeal so high pitched that it made George's ears ring. Bella-Sue looked a little bit put out, George saw, but he decided she probably didn't REALLY mind, since she had a Crazed-Yaoi-Fangirl look in her eyes. (And no, I wasn't looking in a mirror when trying to describe her expression. Really.)
They rolled on the roof for a good half hour until it was completely covered in glitter. GAH! George thought to himself. Why do they hate me so much? The three of them jumped down from the roof. Jacob and Eddie both landed gracefully, but clumsy Bella landed on her face. Then Eddie-Sue turned to look straight at George, who remembered that the Sue-pire could read minds.
Oh shit! George thought without thinking. (Redundant sentence is redundant.)
"DON'T USE THAT LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER, YOU BASTARD!" yelled Eddie-Sue.
"I- I'm sorry!" George called back (even though it was a bad idea since he was hidden under his invisible garlic cloak).
Eddie-kins looked surprised. "I thought only sniveling, whiney human females like YOU actually apologized for anything," he said to Bella-Sue.
Bella shrugged. "Let's just ignore the human and go home. We don't eat people, remember?"
"Not even EVIL ones who think bad language at MY daughter?" After a moment of silence, Eddie-Sue amended, "Our. Our daughter."
Bella nodded. "He's probably never seen a Sue-pire before. We are rather special, you know."
"Is that why you've been rubbing sparkles on my ceilings?" asked George."Because you're special?"
Eddie smiled amiably at George. "We get bored, too, you know. We're just like you, except we're hot."
Jacob seemed to agree, if the pinch to Eddie's butt was any indication.
Eddie yelped again and Bella's eyes flashed a crazed-yaoi-fangirl look.
Perhaps, thought George, Eddie-Sue is grateful he can't read Bella-Sue's mind in this instance.
"Oh trust me, I am," Eddie replied, reading George's thoughts. "I may be *cough*gay for Jacob*cough*, but I'm not THAT bad."
George, who was sick of the smell of garlic, finally took off his cloak to talk to the Sue-pires like a normal person. Also, he wasn't homophobic or anything, but two guys acting so blatantly interested in each other was making him nervous, and he hoped they would stop if he were visible.
The 12-year-old girl jumped down from Jacob's shoulders, stood right in front of George and stared him straight in the face. "Hey, you," she said, "there's nothing wrong with having three parents, even if one of them is obviously just there to cockblock the other two and be an annoying Mary-Sue that nobody likes, so LEAVE MY DADS ALONE! Also," she added, "you smell funny."
Bella-Sue wrinkled her nose. "Yes, he does. Come, my yaoi slaves and Most Precious Princess Daughter, let's not hang around this...trashy human any longer."
"But mommy, you were a trashy human once too. So were Daddy and Papa."
"But that's different," said Bella-Sue. "WE didn't smell like - *shudder* - garlic."
"But Papa Jacob eats garlic all the time! He let me try some once! I thought it tasted good," Renesmee argued, putting her hands on her hips.
"Hmm, garlic breath is kind of sexy," said Eddie-Sue, who was, of course, so perfect that he wasn't vulnerable to anything as mundane as garlic.
George stared at the Sue-pires. Surely there was SOME way to get them to stop interfering with his job! Holy water probably wouldn't work, but maybe, just maybe... the power of Yaoi Fan Fiction would save him!
Bella looked at Eddie, her eyes hungry to see him do something with Jacob. Eddie didn't notice since he couldn't read her mind, but Renesmee, George, and Jacob - who weren't nearly as unperceptive as Eddie was without his powers - decided that now really wasn't a good time for hot guy-on-guy action. "Mommy, can we go home? I'm hungry," Renesmee started whining.
"Fine," Bella-Sue sighed. "I'll cook, because obviously women belong in the kitchen, and there's no way either of your fathers can actually handle themselves in the kitchen, despite being immortal and having plenty of time to practice. Come on, Eddie-kins, let's take Renesmee home. Jacob, you come too," she cooed, "since it's always a pleasure to have you over for dinner~"
George sighed in relief. Finally, he thought, I'll never have to see them again.
However, before the Sue-pires and hot muscular guy and beautiful mutant demon spawn girl were out of sight, Eddie-Sue turned around and grinned. "Don't count on it."
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A/N: The friend I wrote this with is solonaxdawn, and you can find her on DeviantART.
(Also, this is not meant to offend anyone who is gay. If I have offended anyone with this, I am very sorry.)