A/N: This is yet another fic for the NFA Nepal Charity auction. This time, the request was for a Tiva story. I've only ventured into this area once before and so it was a little bit of a struggle. Special thanks to Shywriter for her help with setting this up right, but if you hate it, it's entirely my fault. :) The setting is about halfway through season 13 (which hasn't been done yet); so it's a bit into the future.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or its characters and I'm not making money from this story.
Getting Closer
by Enthusiastic Fish
And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
"Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon
It was cold. Ziva didn't think she'd ever really adjust to the cold. No matter how many years she'd been in DC, when the cold finally came, she felt it all the way to her bones. It was like it sank in and made her cold from the inside out, not the outside in. Since she'd been back, she'd taken a lot of time to walk around the Metro area.
Why am I here?
That was the question she asked herself over and over again. It was something she hadn't yet figured out...or at least, she hadn't figured out all the reasons why. There was one reason she knew of, but that one reason wasn't everything.
That was why no one knew she was here. That was why she hadn't spoken to anyone in the weeks she'd been here. She just walked the city, making sure to stay away from any place where she might run into her former coworkers.
After all this time spent trying to figure herself out, she still hadn't managed it, and now, she was back in the U.S., back in DC, the last place she'd ever thought she'd want to be again. Her feelings when she'd left the last time had been such that she'd felt only relief in leaving it all behind.
However, the longer she had been gone, the more she had thought about it.
And now, she was back. Sort of.
Back and walking alone on the streets. The last couple of years had been hard and yet easier than what she was doing now.
She stopped and looked at a building. She was a little embarrassed to realize that she was walking by Tony's place, yet again. In almost all her nightly wanderings, she ended up here. Not every single night, but most of them. For a moment, she looked up where his apartment was. There was a light on there. He must be home. She stared at that light and thought about what it represented to her.
Ziva could still remember the way Tony had looked at her when she had refused to go with him, refused to come back here. Over her years at NCIS, she'd had relationship after relationship. Some really hadn't even lasted long enough to be called relationships, and every time it hadn't worked out (because none of them had), she had turned back to Tony, almost as a replacement for the man she'd lost, but never with enough confidence to stick with it long enough to create a real relationship. She had always resisted taking that step and now, she couldn't even think why she had. What had been the point? Was she just trying to use him to make herself feel better? Had she not cared about what he wanted at all?
Maybe a little bit. She had to admit it. There was a degree of selfishness in her behavior. Part of her time away had been to get at who she was, and if she was going to pursue that, she had to be honest with herself. She had been selfish and thoughtless when it came to Tony. She just took it for granted that he would always be there if she needed him...but when he tried, she had usually pushed him away.
Still, she couldn't forget the look in Tony's eyes the last time she had seen him. That was why she kept ending up here. Part of her wanted to see that look in his eyes again, now that she was at a place where she could accept it.
But at this point, there was no reason to expect that she would see it again. Why would Tony even be thinking about her after two years of silence?
She saw a figure in the window and she turned away to continue her walk. She wasn't worried. It was late. It was dark, and Tony wouldn't be thinking he'd see her. She was bundled up against the cold. Since she'd never told anyone she was coming, had never talked to anyone about it, she was in no rush to walk away. Tony wouldn't even notice her out here...whether she wanted him to or not.
I do not want him to see me. I am not ready for that yet.
And yet, here she was, walking slowly away from his building...for the umpteenth time since she'd been back.
No, she was leaving without being seen. That was the right thing to do.
It was a cold night, but she'd been prepared for that, and she pulled the coat more tightly around her. She had no schedule, no calls on her time. As she had been for the last two years, she was moving like a ghost through the world around her, touching and being touched by no one.
The only person she'd actually interacted with was Shmiel, and even at that, it had only been as necessary. She wasn't ready for that to change.
And so, Ziva walked away from Tony's building, deciding to go back to the small apartment she'd rented. It was a one-bedroom, furnished place. Nothing fancy, nothing permanent. It wasn't home, but it sufficed. It was all she needed.
All I need...
"Ziva?"
She stopped in her tracks. She hadn't expected to hear anyone, let alone someone saying her name.
"Ziva, is that you?" The tone was a mix of incredulity and, perhaps, something more. What more, she didn't even dare to think about.
She took a breath and turned around.
"Hello, Tony."
It was him. He looked very much the same as she remembered him, although it wasn't as she'd seen him last. It was Tony in his element, doing the job he loved, secure in his position. There was no desperation. Actually, he looked much better than he had at the airport. However, there was surprise.
"What are you doing here?"
"Walking."
"Why are you walking outside my building?"
Ziva was ready to say it, to tell him what she had been thinking, but now that the moment was here... Tony was there, looking at her, she was afraid. She couldn't admit to her feelings.
"I have been taking a lot of walks. This just was one of them."
"A lot? You mean... you've been here?"
"Not right in this spot," she said with a little bit of a smile.
"In DC?"
"Yes."
Tony was silent for a second or two.
"For how long?"
"A few weeks."
Then, she caught it, just for a second before it was gone.
Hurt.
Tony was hurt that she hadn't told him she was here.
"Why are you here?"
Ziva shrugged.
"How are you doing, Tony?" she asked.
Tony raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm fine. Why are you here, Ziva? It's been two years. Unless everyone's been keeping the mother of all secrets from me, you haven't spoken to anyone in years."
"No one knows that I am here."
"Why are you here?"
"I had not planned on seeing you...or anyone."
"Why are you here?" Tony asked, refusing to be distracted. He seemed strangely intense.
She turned away from him to hide her own inner turmoil, but it was time to speak. Maybe that was why she had come to Tony's neighborhood so many times. She knew that she needed to speak, to talk about what she had learned.
"It is part of what I needed."
"To come here and stay away from...everyone?"
Ziva caught the hesitation on the last word.
"Yes. I have not really talked to anyone since I saw you last, not anywhere I have been. It was not other people I needed to understand. It was myself. I had lost myself in what other people thought I was." Ziva took a deep breath and looked around. "I was happier here than I have been anywhere else in the world. ...but it was also harder here than anywhere in the world."
"Why?"
"Because I could always leave anywhere else and no one would care." She turned back to him. "People cared here...whether I wanted you to or not."
"Did you want us to care?"
"Yes...but I did not want the responsibility that came along with that. When I first came here, I never thought I would stay so long. I had my orders. I thought it would be a good way to get away from the confusion. But then, I stayed. And stayed. Even when I left, it was like leaving home...but still, I did not want the responsibility, and I know that I hurt you in avoiding it."
"What responsibility?"
Ziva hesitated. What would she do if Tony refused her gesture? Could she continue her confession if he turned away?
But the gesture was so natural that she couldn't hold it back, and it was the best way to explain.
She reached out her hand toward Tony, not touching him, just holding her hand open if he wanted to reciprocate.
"This," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
She wanted to back away when he didn't make any move toward her. No instant response, and she was afraid of rejection.
At least, he has not turned away.
She kept her hand out.
"I wanted the effort to be made by you, never by me. It meant that I could ignore it or reject it if it got hard. I made no attempt to meet you in the middle. I stood in place and made you come to me, and when you came, I moved further away and made you come again. It was wrong, and I cannot justify it, but I see what I did to you, Tony. To everyone, but to you most of all."
"Then, why are you here?" Tony asked again, but now, the question took on a different meaning. It was softer. She was looking at him, but not really meeting his eyes. She was afraid of what she might be seeing.
"I have never forgotten how you looked at me in Israel. I have never forgotten your eyes as I pushed you away again. Not only pushed you away, but ran away myself, as far as I could. I still think I needed to do it. I think it was necessary, but I did not make it easy for you."
"You never did," Tony said, but the statement didn't have the accusation it might have. He even smiled a little.
"No, I did not," Ziva agreed with a hesitant smile of her own. That was a hopeful sign. Tony wouldn't joke so gently if he hated her. His jokes got mean when he was angry, even if the expression didn't change.
"Why come to my street, my building? Why, Ziva? You can't pretend that you didn't know where I live. It's late enough that you should have expected me to be home. Were you waiting for me to see you?"
"I came because...I suppose there is a part of me that wishes I had not said no. That last night when you left, when I made you leave me. A part of me wishes that I had not stayed behind."
"Only a part?" he asked, his voice soft.
Her hand was still extended. Empty and open. He still hadn't turned away.
"As I said, I think I needed to leave everyone and everything behind for a time, but I did not do it right."
"So...what are you expecting, now?" Tony asked.
Ziva chanced looking at him more directly. He was more open than he had been, but still holding back. She had to be honest.
"Nothing," she said, earnestly. "I am expecting nothing. I know that, after all that has happened, all the time that has gone by, all the hurt I gave you, I know that I can expect nothing. I deserve nothing, but I can hope for what I do not deserve."
"...and what are you hoping for?"
"I am hoping for a chance. I would not have come to you to ask for it, not now. I would have waited. I truly did not expect you to see me tonight, but I came here more than once...because it was you that I wanted to see."
Tony's expression was unreadable, but Ziva expected that. Tony was careful about showing what he felt to anyone, and Ziva knew that she had exploited him too many times for him to trust her with his feelings, but still that openness was there. There was a chance that he would say what she longed to hear.
"If it is too late for more, I will hope only for forgiveness." She lifted her hand higher. "But I cannot lie that I am hoping for more."
Tony looked down at her hand.
"You know...I thought about this kind of thing happening." He laughed a little, not expressing humor, still that little bit of incredulity. "Back when you first left, I thought about it a lot. I kept imagining that you'd show up and we'd go on like nothing had happened, like you never had left, like that empty desk wasn't staring me in the face every time I came to work. I kept expecting someone to push the reset button and put things back the way they should have been. Put you back where you should have been."
Ziva shook her head. "Most of my life has been spent pushing that button, Tony. It is not a good thing to stay the same with no changes, no growth, no real understanding."
"It's easier, though. It doesn't take any thought to keep things the same. It's a lot harder to deal with the changes."
"Yes, it is, but that is something you have all done much better than I have. I have tried to remain the same even when life was changing me. I have changed, now. I do not know if I have changed enough, but I am trying. That is why I am here. I am not here to demand. I am not here to push that button. I am here to...ask."
Tony looked at her with that same intense glint in his eyes.
"And what's the question, Miss David?" His voice was daring her to answer, to be honest. He thought he was ready to hear whatever she had to say.
There was no avoiding it, now. She knew she had to say the words.
"Can you still love me, Tony? And can you give me a chance to love you?"
There was a long silence. Ziva supposed that anyone hearing this conversation might think it rather dull. There was no weeping, no shouting, no great expression of emotion or passionate kiss. It was very quiet and the only move she had made was to extend her hand and wait to see if he would accept her attempt.
Finally, Tony moved.
He took her hand in both of his hands. For another long moment, he just held her hand. He didn't look at her. His grip wasn't tight. It was very gentle. He was cupping her hand in his much larger hands, almost like it was fine china and he was afraid to drop it. The feeling was more than Ziva had expected. It was a physical connection she hadn't allowed herself to make, but the potential was still there.
Then, he looked up. "I'm not making any guarantees, you know."
"I know."
"Just so we're clear."
"Yes."
The eyebrow went up again. "Are you sure you haven't been replaced by a pod person? You're being way too agreeable."
She caught the brief twinkle in his eye, even if she didn't quite understand the reference.
"I am not a pod."
Tony laughed, and Ziva found that she had really missed it. Even when she'd been here before, she had heard that laughter far too little...mostly because of her own actions.
"No, I guess you aren't, but this really isn't like you, Ziva."
"I am trying, Tony. I cannot guarantee I will always agree with you, but you are right. This time."
There was a subtle relaxing and Tony eased into something more like they'd had. "Ah, that sounds better. There's still some Israeli spunk in you."
"Of course. I could not lose that much."
Then, his grip on her hand tightened. "Well, while I've got you here..."
He stepped closer to her and kissed her. Ziva had to admit it. She was taken completely by surprise. Of all the things that could have happened when she eventually came face-to-face with Tony, his deciding to kiss her wasn't even on the list. Not so soon.
At first, she was stiff because of her shock, but after a few seconds, she relaxed, but too soon, the kiss was over and he stepped back with a faintly evaluating expression.
She looked at him, questioningly.
For a long time, he just looked at her. Then, he got that slightly mischievous expression that she knew so well.
"Yes?" she asked.
"Much better," he said.
"Better than what?"
"Than last time. At the airport. That was just a good-bye. I'm never going to see you again. We don't have a snowball's chance of succeeding. So what have I got to lose? That was last time," he said.
He was still holding her hand.
"And what was this time?" she asked, hoping.
"This was a hello. It was seeing if there was anything there. Are you really serious or is this just another way of playing around?"
"Will there be a next time?" she asked, almost holding her breath to hear how he would respond.
The grip on her hand loosened, but he still didn't let go.
"That depends. Are you going to up and disappear again if it gets hard or are you going to stay? Because this isn't going to be easy, Ziva. There's no way this will be easy, and I have to know if you're willing to fight for it or if it's all me...because it can't be all me again. I can't do it."
Ziva hesitated. Saying she would stay meant opening herself up to something she hadn't planned on yet.
His hands tightened again.
"I'm not going to commit to something if you can't," Tony said, seriously. "I've learned my lesson, Ziva. I'm not going to lie and say I don't care." He stopped and looked down at their hands for a moment. "I do...but I'm not fighting on my own anymore."
Ziva nodded. "I understand."
"You said you knew that what you were doing before was wrong. Here's your chance to do something right."
"I cannot guarantee that I will do everything right."
Tony shrugged. "So? I can't, either. Why would you think that was required?"
"I am still learning."
Now, Tony smiled. One of his hands moved up and brushed a stray hair from her cheek. "Good. I'm a great teacher."
Her free hand moved up and covered his. "I want to stay, Tony."
The smile didn't leave, but it softened.
"Okay." His hand dropped down to his side and he straightened. "Then, first things first. It's freezing out here, and I'm starving. Let's have dinner."
The shift was so sudden that Ziva wasn't ready for it. She knew that this was how Tony was, but that softness had vanished and was replaced by normal Tony. It was both a relief and a cause for anxiety. For a moment, she thought that maybe she had misunderstood.
"What?"
"Aren't you hungry? I'm starving. Gibbs made me rewrite my report three times today before I could leave."
She was afraid that the moment had passed too quickly, but then, she noticed that he was still holding her hand.
He tightened his grip and started to pull her down the sidewalk, back to his place. Ziva resisted, just slightly.
"Maybe this is not the right time," she said. "I had not planned on..."
"Oh, come on, Ziva. You're a super ninja super spy. I'm just a run-of-the-mill federal agent. You knew I'd see you."
"Perhaps you are right, but...it...it is late."
Tony paused and then, there was that soft smile again, albeit accompanied by the same mischievous twinkle that she hadn't seen in so long.
"Ziva, it's just dinner. I'm not proposing. I'm not even propositioning, believe it or not. If you were hoping for that, you're moving way too fast."
Ziva smiled.
"I suppose had forgotten what you were like."
"Unpredictable. That's me."
"And that is...what I want. You."
Tony stopped and, with his hand, he pulled her closer. Just close enough that he could whisper in her ear.
"Well, then, let's see if you get me this time," he said.
She let him drag her back to his apartment and then she sat on his couch, listening while he ordered pizza. How long had it been since she had just sat with someone and eaten a meal?
A long time.
The pizza got there fast and they sat beside each other on the couch, eating. For just a moment, Ziva looked at Tony.
Why would she not want this?
He noticed her glance and raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Thank you, Tony."
He smiled. "You can show your appreciation, later."
She smiled back and took another bite.
It would be hard. Tony had promised it wouldn't be easy, but she was thinking that maybe it was worth it to fight for something rather than against it.
She scooted a little closer to Tony. Close enough that they were touching. She could feel his warmth. He didn't say anything, but he smiled and moved the pizza box over closer to her.
She took another slice.
FINIS!