Have you guys ever seen Couples Retreat? That movie was hilarious, but the plot could have been better I guess. Oh well. Anyways, I like watching movies and thinking about how the Avengers would react in that setting, and then I told my friends, and they were like "Emily, you have to write this, do it." So I did.
So here is the story of how the Avengers went on a Couples Retreat and Steve and Tony had sex or something and probably Clint and Natasha too and definitely Phil and Maria and there are other people who do stuff. Enjoy.
"So, we're posing as a bunch of tourists going on a retreat because there's some bad guy on the island…?" Clint said after jumping down from the rafters and joining the rest of the team.
Fury rolled his eyes and pushed the mission intel specs towards Barton. "We'll be posing as guests at the Eden Resort. Six of you will be stationed on the west side and three on the east."
"Six and three sounds very unbalanced, Fury. Why is it so important to have six on one side?" Steve asked while looking at the slide show projection of the resort.
Fury smirked at this. "I suppose not everyone has heard of Eden. One side of the island is a constant singles' mixer-"
"WOOHOO!" yelled Tony. "We're going to THAT Eden! I went there for my twenty-third half birthday! That place is crawling with models and dancers!"
"Sorry, Stark," Fury said with a grin, "You'll be staying on the other side. The one for couples."
"What! With who? Hill?" Tony yelled angrily. Hill cringed and made gagging noises.
Fury looked at Stark confused for a moment then continued on. "Actually, you'll be posing as Captain Roger's other half."
Steve and Tony's eyes met from across the table and they both stared at each other in shock.
"Barton and Romanoff and Hill and Coulson will be our other lucky couples, while God of Thunder, Banner, and I will be stationed on the singles side."
"THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR, FURY!" Tony yelled in protest.
"Don't blame me, Stark. Coulson is the one who was in charge of room assignments. I just gave him some suggestions," Fury replied, his one eye crinkling with amusement.
Tony tried to turn his glare on Coulson at this, but Coulson was far too busy having an emotionless stare down with Hill a few seats away from him. Instead, Tony decided to look around the room for supporters of this outrageous set up, but everyone else seemed indifferent.
"It's a mission, Stark. Calm down. No one is asking you to marry Rogers," Natasha said with her signature uncaring look.
"Uhg, fine. When do we ship out?" Tony grumbled.
"Tomorrow morning, 700 hours," Coulson replied coldly.
Tony dragged his hands over his face and grunted. "I hope you all enjoy dragging my unconscious body onto the plane because there's no fucking way I'm getting up that early."
"Really? You're going to complain about getting up early? There is a man on this island who could put hundred of lives in danger, and all you care about is your sleep schedule?" Steve complained.
"Oh, I'm sorry Captain, but not all of us wake up at dawn because the sun is shining out of our asses."
"I am not sure how a large celestial body can fit into the Warrior of America's backside, Man of Iron. I believe you are mistaken. But if his backside doth glow, perhaps he should seek a healer," Thor piped in innocently. Bruce next to him shook his head and patted Thor on the arm.
"It's a figure of speech, buddy. Don't worry," Bruce whispered to him.
"That may be so, Mighty Healer Bruce, but I think you should still examine The Warrior of America's backside when this meeting concludes."
"Whoa, whoa. Hold on. Mighty Healer Bruce? When did this happen?" Tony questioned.
"Thor and I have been working on 21-Century terminology so communication can go smoother between him and the team on missions."
"Sure. But when have you been doing this? We're in the lab pretty much all day and night, Bruce."
"We meet during lunch, Tony. I've told you like eight times."
"Oh. No that's cool. Helping your new friends, that's fine."
Bruce stared at Tony questioningly, but Tony turned back towards Fury and pulled his shades over his eyes. "So, is this meeting over now, or are you going to give us another worthless mission?"
Fury crossed his arms as the projections shut off. "I'm actually done. Everyone is dismissed. Don't bother packing, SHIELD already has luggage packed for your covers."
Everyone quietly filed out of the conference room at this except for Hill and Coulson, who stayed behind to clean up the files scattered all over the conference table.
As soon and the door slid shut and locked behind Fury, the last to leave, Maria plopped down in the nearest chair and relaxed.
"I'm a little surprised you didn't use this as an opportunity to share a room with Captain Rogers and get him to sign all your shirts and comic books, you know," Maria remarked flipping through the room assignment details.
Phil dropped his files in and pile and turned to her. "Maria, please. Captain America may be my hero, but you're my wife," he said seriously.
Maria sat up in her chair and grinned. "You know I'm just kidding."
Phil rolled his eyes and leaned down to kiss. "I know. Besides, he broke into my room and signed pretty much everything I own when everyone thought I died, so there's no point."
Maria rolled her eyes and the two of them went back to cleaning up. Just as she finished stacking her pile, something caught her eye. "Douglas Howser… is the man we're trying to catch…? Phil, is this even a real mission?"
"Well…" Phil replied while fiddling with his tie. "There is suspicious activity on the island, but... I wanted to make up for your last birthday…"
Maria thought back to her last birthday. Of course he would want to make up for it. She got shot in the stomach twice.
"And then Fury saw the pamphlet, and saw that group rates were a lot cheaper, and just decided to sign everyone up so he could quietly slip it into the budget."
Maria smiled. "Well, this is an amazing "I'm sorry we spent your birthday in the hospital getting shrapnel removed from your stomach lining" present. I have no idea how I'm going to top it for your birthday."
"Don't get too excited, Maria. Fury signed us up for the "Couples Revival" package, so there's therapy…"
"Considering Stark and Romanoff are going to go through therapy sessions too, this is still a great present."