No, as I've said many times before, I don't own the digimon series ( I'm still workin' on it! These things take time!). If you happen to see baked potatos zipping around or lots of yaoi stuff the next time ya' watch the show, you'll know I finally own it...
Warning! This story has lots of yaoi in it. Daiken, to be exact. That means that it's very, very, very gay. Why? Because I like it *insane grin*. If you don't like it, there's gotta' be tons of stories around this place that you will like.
Additional Warning! This story contains the scariest creatures ever to come into existence. Pigeons! *Raven faints...*
Nefarious Tails, Book Three:
Evil Soul-Sucking Pigeons from Hell!!!
By Raven
Once upon a time, for no reason at all actually, a very sleepy fan-fic author named Raven decided to write a new story. She decided that Daisuke hadn't been in one of her stories lately (*Daisuke holds up a sign that says "I'm in every story she's written lately!"*) so...ya' know...here he is and this time its in *gasp* the 7 and 3/4 octogon of heck! (*Daisuke appears in a firey room with pinapples and flying baked potatos*)
Well now, he stood there for a while just sweating to death (you can do that, right?) and getting smacked in the head by a few wayward potatos before he realized the author had no reason at all for him to be there, it was just her "sense of humor" acting up again. Then suddenly...
*WRVFD!!*( *Raven sweatdrops* Sorry, I got my new sound effect machine at a junk shop...) The real (and dead serious) story (with nothing happy at all) began.
Daisuke found himself in a beautiful forest with cheerful Disney-type music playing in the background. It was a real change from where Raven usually wrote him into, so he was suspicious ( if you know me, you're probably suspicious as well. To that, I say "What, you think I would plan something evil? Damn right!"). He suddenly became aware that his wardrobe had been changed. He was now wearing a dark blue, rather medieval-looking costume (well, the goggles weren't very medieval, but hey, you try to pry those things off his head before you gripe at me!). Well, the previously mentioned costume was complete with pink tights (or whatever you call them. They're not really tights, probably...)!
Turning an incredibly bright shade of red ( that I must say, clashed terribly with the pink tights...), he ran and hid behind Ye Olde Convinient Tree that Hides Embarresed People (copyright 2001 by Raven's friend Bob the Happy Pig).
Well, a lot of times, whining won't get you anywhere. This was not one of those times.
*CRINKLE!!*(*everyone stares at sound-effect machine*) He suddenly had light blue tights.
Though he still wasn't really satisfied, the author told him it was either blue tights or go naked. Knowing full and well that the author (as well as many others) would have no problem with him being naked (whether it was to make fun of him or drool), he promptly burst into a Disney-type song and dance number about how he loved blue tights.
When he finished, he decided to wander aimlessly, knowing that's what the author would have him do anyway. Well, what do ya' know, he soon came across a little house (because when Raven's feeling very sleepy thats about as creative as she gets). Inside the house was an old woman. Asking her (in an unusually polite manner, since this was one of Raven's stories and for all he knew, this might be "the Very Old and Rather Evil Old Bat of the Little House"...) if she knew where he should go next, he became confused when she answered him in a "Whose Line is it Anyway" version of "Canadian" (*Raven nods* ja, da hoser in da icebox. *everyone who read that, say it together now, "What the hell?").
Suddenly, a bunch of real Canadians, angry at always being made fun of, appeared out of nowhere and chased off the weird old woman. They then told the author that if she ever made fun of Canada again, they would kill her (*Daisuke smiles and hopes she does just that*). After politley telling Daisuke that there was a city not too far to the north, they returned to Canada.
The Canadians were right about the city not being too far. After only three steps Northward (...Northernly? Northish?...) a large city fell out of the sky and landed in front of him. Muttering to himself about Raven's impulsiveness and total lack of patience, he entered the city. At first glance, it just looked like your typical "falls-out-of-the-sky-type-city", but upon closer inspection, Daisuke realized the entire place was constructed from hot glue and spandex.
The castle, on the other hand, was made from a quite large Easy-Bake Oven. Standing outside of the castle ( mostly because he had no desire to be easily baked...) was...Ken! Raven felt that he had to suffer the story as well. Seeing each other, they ran to meet. Ken only made it about three steps. He realized what Daisuke was wearing and fell down laughing...
Daisuke glared at him, then looked pleadingly (?) at the author. She was feeling unusualy nice at that moment and took pity on him.
*SMURF!!!*( Raven only shakes her head and regrets ever buying the acursed sound-effect thingy...)
Ken stopped laughing rather abruptly, finding himself suddenly dressed in the frilly pink polka-dotted dress from hell (copyright 2001, by Raven this time, not Bob...)! Thinking he could out-run his fate in this story, he ripped off the dress (much to the delight of all those who saw him...), but in 2 and 11/16 seconds, another dress appeared in its place. After about a billion times of doing this, he finally realized it was the wrong thing to do (duh, really?) and begged the author for mercy. She finally agreed (since he looks so cute when begging...) and he found himself dressed in an costume similar to the one that Raven had given Daisuke, except with more frills and a deep purple colour (black tights!...or whatever they're called...!!).
Disliking the frills but not wanting to push his luck, he turned to Daisuke and asked if he knew what the author wanted them to do. Daisuke shrugged and said that Raven was just being stupid again and was most likely drunk (am not! *hic-up...giggle*). They stood there a while, quite bored...WAIT!!! I know! Suddenly, a mystical voice ( that was in not in the least drunk sounding) came from...nowhere and told them to go to the Very Bad Castle to the North that is Not Good at All and save the magical dingo that was being held captive there.
Of course, they need weapons for such a quest, and since a hot glue gun was not a great fighting...utensil, the author generously supplied them with a graham cracker and a lemon ( the latter is a hint to an upcoming story...). Despite the author's kindness (ha!), they decided to take the hot glue gun anyway, muttering that was a gun, sort of. I don't get it, but hey...
So off they went to the Very Bad Castle That Was Not Good at All. They walked along in a forest o' Disney-type music (seems to be the only kind of forest I can think up lately...), discusing very important topics, such as baby corn, the difference between kinky and perverted ( perverted uses the whole chicken...), why there are only three potato chips in a bag big enough to hold a body, how much they loved each other, and quilting (well, not really on the quilting, just checkin' to see if you're payin' attention).
It was when the conversation turned to the many ways to kill the author that they came to a large sign with a big red arrow that said "Very Bad Castle that is Not Good at All! Only $19.95!". The last part was scribbled out and written over it in very bad handwriting said "thiss wey. gooo now. freee dingo. dont killl raven." They shrugged and went.
*theme from jaws* (*Raven burst into tears of joy* Ah, the sound-effect thing's finest hour)
The castle was quite bad. Bad as only held together with frozen waffles, pinto beans, and an old yogurt container. They both couldn't help but wonder what the hell Raven was thinking (Hey! It was the best I could fix it up! I could only use junk from the kitchen 'cause I have little money. Small amounts, that is, not tiny coins.).
Since the author couldn'd afford guards or traps, Daisuke and Ken simply walked in, immediatly spotting the magical dingo in a cage just a little to small. Well, they set him free, and commented on how boring and stupid Raven was getting *evil grin*. Then...
*CHEESE!!!* (Raven shoots sound-effect machine with handy-dandy gun after that...sound...)
A statue of Jay Leno fell out of the sky in front of them! That could only mean one thing (and that would be...?)! The room was suddenly filled with Evil Soul-Sucking Pigeons from Hell!!! (Honestly, if they had only read the title...)
Agghh!! No!! Well, not really wanting to get their souls sucked (..hehe..sucked...*pervert laugh*) they ran for their lives! But the pigoens were much too fast, just too damn fast! Soon, Daisuke and Ken found themselves cornered ( and just for the record, I didn't put that corner there. Honest.).
Well, as everyone knows, the only way to get rid of a herd of pigeons ( of the soul-sucking variety, that is...) is to...( *Raven pauses, giving them a chance to figure it out on their own.) Daisuke whipped out his flamethrower (which he now brings to all my stories, for some reason), but alas, the pigeons were from hell and could take the heat. Ken, wishing that he'd brought something useful, was struck with an idea (actually, a note tied to a rock hit him on the head *Raven tries to look innocent*). Taking the graham (?) cracker and the lemon, he hot glued them together and threw them with all his might into the gaggle of pigeons.
Needless to say, this had no effect and was simply written to make the author giggle.
All out of ideas, Ken simply stood there looking pretty. The pigeons, seeing how hot he was, melted into happy little puddles. And they all lived happily ever after (what do ya' mean, "You're not done yet, Raven!"? *re-reads story* Oh! You're right, that would be a weird stopping place, even for me...)
Okay...so an old woman in a tiny car (the author's solution to everything) drove up, grabbed the two boys, and drove them to...a very weird place! (*Raven paces the room, trying to think of an interesting place...and all she comes up with is...)
The place was...Jim-Bob's Bondage and Kinky Sex Store/Retirement Center!! "Fun for the whole family"!! Well, not any family they knew, but overcome with curiousity, Daisuke and Ken entered the building.
A woman wearing a name tag (...and nothing else, since the author has no money to spend on minor characters...) greeted them at the door. Both boys shut their eyes, muttered something about this being cheap (in more ways than one) even for Raven, and asked the woman if she knew what the author wanted them to do there.
The woman smiled (not that they could see it with their eyes shut) and said their room was ready. They opened their eyes and glared evily at the author, the eternally INNOCENT and PURE MINDED author who has nothing to do with anything whatsoever.
Well, always make the best of a f****d up situation (Girl Scout motto, don't ya' know). They did go to the room, and, well, f****d (and yes, this story is certainly Daiken. The author is sure of this, even though she missed a lot of the action after passing out from a major pervert nosebleed...).
With the sex scene that all stories require over with, there wasn't much left to do. The author decided it was time for The Big Finish to the Story and Corn Flakes. (suddenly, a set drops down in the room where the boys are resting after...playing.) *A bunch of hot guys in stupid sparkly costumes come dancing onto the set, and music starts up from the band* (What band?*re-reads story* I never mentioned a band! Wow, I'm getting careless!). The guys in costumes all began singing "Never Snowboard Through a Cornfield at 3 a.m." ( Hey! New story idea!). Daisuke and Ken screamed in terror and ran (naked!) from the room.
To another room (naked!).
And they played (naked!) again. And again...and again...
And (can I sa it now?) they lived extremely happily ever after (naked!).
At least until book four...
The End (naked!)
Author's Notes: So, what did ya' think? Am I the only person who finds pigeons really scary? Oh, and if anyone liked this story, I really am working on the fourth installment. And yes, it will probably be called "Never Snowboard Though a Cornfield at 3 a.m.". Either that, or "Book Four". Oh, and comments are very welcome, whether they be good, bad or totally off topic.
My other digimon story (the fantasy-type one with lots of yaoi) is turning out to be longer than I thought it would be, so I'll have to upload it in chapters. Hopefully, I'll have chapter one up in less than a week. Soon after that (very soon, hopefully) I'll finish typing my Gundam Wing fic. See ya' later!