A/N: So they really shouldn't let me loose on tag scenes and / or oneshots. Because stuff like this happens. No idea what this is. Just something angsty and nebulous that wouldn't leave me alone after the Dead!Sammy scene in All Hell Breaks Loose Part 2... So spoilers for that, then. On the plus side, it's short.
Disclaimer: Some day Kripke will realise what he's missing...
TWENTY QUESTIONS
You started asking questions when you were five.
You've been asking them ever since.
"Why don't we have a mommy, Dean?"
Looking up at me with those puppy dog eyes of yours, expecting me to have all the answers. Like that's what big brothers are for.
When we were kids, sometimes I thought I did.
"Because she's an angel in Heaven, Sammy," I'd tell you. Didn't matter if I believed it. Just mattered you believed it.
And then I'd look at Dad, cleaning guns, reading dusty old books, bruised and battered inside and out and I wondered why Mom being an angel in Heaven had sent Dad to Hell.
"Why do we have to keep moving around, Dean?"
"Because Dad has to save people, Sammy. So we have to go wherever people need saving."
But why doesn't someone save him? Why doesn't someone save my dad? Isn't he worth saving? Doesn't he deserve that?
"Where's Dad? What does he do while he's gone?"
Please don't ask me that, Sammy... You don't want to know. I don't want you to know.
I just wanted you to be a kid.
I just wanted you to have Normal.
I just wanted you to have what I didn't any more.
Because people talk about the End of the World like it hasn't already happened.
I can tell you the exact date the world ended: November 2nd, 1983.
That's when the world ended.
That's when my world ended.
And it ended so quickly. Just a few seconds and everything was... different. Gone.
Our house was gone.
Our Mom was gone.
Our Dad was gone.
Just like that.
In the blink of an eye.
No more baking cookies in the kitchen; no more building forts in the living room; no more playing catch in the back yard.
No more kisses goodnight and angels watching over us.
Just monsters in the closet and demons under the bed.
And you.
You, Sammy.
The only thing the world let me keep.
"When's Dad coming back?"
So many times you asked. So many. And always the same answer.
"Soon, Sammy. He'll be back soon."
Looking out of the window. Waiting. Wondering. He'll be back. I knew it. I was so sure of it. Or I told myself I was. He wouldn't leave us. He wouldn't. He wouldn't leave us alone.
"What if he doesn't come back?"
"I'll take care of you."
"But who's going to take care of you, Dean?"
That was the question I never dared ask. Because I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to know.
Who takes care of us when Dad doesn't come back?
But you just kept on asking.
The older you got, the more you asked and the less I could answer.
"Why can't I go to soccer practice?"
"Why can't I be in the school play?"
"Why do we have to move again? All my friends are here."
"Why can't I go to college like everyone else?"
"Why won't you come with me?"
"Why Jessica?"
"What's happening to me?"
"Why can't we hunt the Demon with Dad?"
"Did he say anything to you? About anything?"
Who takes care of us when Dad doesn't come back?
Who's going to take care of us now, Sammy?
"You promise me – if it comes down to it – you'll kill me. You promise me, Dean?"
You keep asking me questions I can't answer.
"Did I die, Dean?"
Please don't ask me that, Sammy.
"Where do you think Dad is now?"
And you still look at me like you expect me to have the answer. Even now.
"I don't know, Sammy."
I don't know anything any more.
Maybe we don't have to keep looking out the window, always waiting, always wondering.
Maybe he's home.
"Did you make a Deal? To save me?"
Please don't ask me that, Sammy.
"I'll save you. I'm going to save you. Because you're my big brother. And you're always going to be here for me. Right?"
Maybe I'll never be able to answer all your questions, Sammy.
But that one right there? That's the question you'll never have to ask me.
Because you already know the answer.
So. Um. Yeah. If you're still awake, feel free to review!