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I hate keeping things from you, James, but I guess I have been anyway. For a long time. Maybe that's why I'm always feeling so terrible inside, so irritable. It's so hard to imagine you not knowing how I feel., but then again, how can I bring myself to tell you all the things I'm feeling? I'm not sure what's worse--keeping it inside or letting it out.
If only you could hear my thoughts, James, as you lie in your bed, sleeping peacefully. All this has been inside me so long it's hard to sleep now. But you don't know, I'm sure you don't understand. And still, here I am, all these thoughts pulling at my mind for me to say them, but I can't. I would feel terrible if you didn't feel the same way.
There's always a chance that you do feel like I do, but I guess I always assumed you could tell me. I thought you must be stronger than me, and you would just speak your mind when you needed to really say what was in your heart. But you never have. Maybe I'm just hoping...
I can't help but walk slowly, silently to your side. I can't stop my eyes from studying your face, every part of it, so sweet and cute. Somehow, though, you seem a bit troubled...your eyes shut so tight, your mouth almost frowning, but I know it's something else, in your dreams or anything distant. I bite my lip as I think about you in pain, but then I feel worse remembering all the pain I ever caused you.
I love you, James.
My mind screams it, my heart urges it, but I guess I'm too scared to say it. Won't you tell me if you feel it, too? My eyes try to force tears out, but I harden my heart and walk away, trying to forget how I feel, about how much I care about you...
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I can hear your foot steps. Just the thought of you makes me nervous, and I close my eyes tightly to keep from opening them. You must think I'm asleep, though I couldn't sleep if I wanted to.
My mind races as I remember all the times I wanted to comfort you. Through all we've done, I wanted to be there for you, to at least say failure didn't matter so much, but you always seemed to take it seriously anyway. The reason I keep going is because of you, Jessie.
If only I wasn't so shy about how I feel. I would tell you everything. But somehow, you seem not to understand that, you look like you don't want to hear it. Your always so angry, and at me especially. I'm sure you don't feel the same way. I guess I should play it safe and save us both the embarrassment. I always hope that if you feel it too, you'll just say it. Your so strong, I know you would. But I'm not that brave.
You walk toward my bed, and stop by my side. I'm more nervous now, wondering what you could be thinking. But I'll just pretend I don't notice you, that I'm asleep. But what I'm really hoping is that you'll just lean down, and say something...say what I feel so I know you do too. Or to kiss me softly on the cheek. Then I'd know. Then I wouldn't be afraid like this anymore.
I feel your breath, a soft wisp on my face, but nothing more. You walk away, your footsteps seeming to stab my heart with disappointment. Oh, I hoped so much that you felt this way.
Nothing else ever really mattered, but I guess I pretended it did. I pretend too much. But every day I wish I could build up enough strength to just say those four words...I love you, Jessie.
I feel so alone now, though I know your not gone. I sigh, breathing out slowly, still hoping that things will change. I pray that they will, someday.