Disclaimer: I own nothing.
a/n: Okay well this is like another version of one of my other stories called, "Just someone to love," and what I wanted to do was write something that leaned a little more on the angsty, tragic side then the romantic, fluffy side that I usually write. And, I dedicate this story to anyone that this story can relate to, because heaven knows you need it.
Just Someone To Want
Your lips aren't lush but hard and cold.
Your kisses are hard and full of hate and discrimination against the love I once held for you.
Your heart is black and your love is frozen.
When I look in your beautiful, gold flecked eyes I see your vulnerability that you try so hard to hide, and I feel an unreal amount of pride that even though you act as if you've got nothing to hide, I can see all your terrible, dirty little secrets.
I know that your wacky and crazy life style is all just a front to make people center you around their worlds. You want to be in everybody's mind, the center of attention for forever and always. But it's not going to work anymore, because I know your game.
When you cry, my heart aches for you, and its times like those that I want to return to my old habit of drowning myself in a good ole bottle of Jack Daniels. You want to know why? Because I hate you, and I don't want to love you, and yet I do. And you wanna know something else? Its all your fault.
You laugh and although others may think that it's a beautiful sound of magic, all I can hear is a cackle of evil and gurgled tar.
When you smile, its as if you're face is about to crack, and I smile, one of my own true, genuine smiles, because I know that at least I can smile and make it look real, not like cracked plaster.
When you used to kiss me, and your mouth would trail off to that sensitive spot right within the shell of my ear, and your hot breath would heat my tender skin, I still remember all the sensations, and I tremble now at the thought, because the knowledge that you once used to have such power over me is frightening. I bet you still remember what it is that I like… Funny… Because I remember exactly what it is that you like too.
When my anxiety kicks in and I feel like I'm about to explode, I remember the way that you used to lay me down on your lap, and sift gently through my hair as you calmed me. Tears still come to my eyes at those few, short loving memories, and I find it sad, that it still is you who can ease my nerves, even if all you are now is but a simple memory.
Your what keeps me breathing every day, because I know that as long as you live, then I must live longer. It may seem childish, even foolish mayhap, but you've always been better then me at nearly everything, and a guys gotta win sometime, right?
We walk through the same halls, yet never together, because when I tried to patch up our ruined friendship, make it at least a little better; you turned me away, denying me of my wish of total and complete peace.
You're the only fear in my mind and the only unwanted fantasy in my nightmares.
When my speech messes up and I have problems with talking, and all I want to do is slam my head on a desk till blood pools around my shaggy, dark hair, I remember my goal in life, to out live you, and so I take a deep breath and then just keep going on, living life day to day.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like if I would have had the perfect family and the perfect parents that every person dreams about. I haven't told this wish to you, why would I? Not like you'd listen anyways.
I remember the time we lied in my over sized bed and you read the entry in my 'journal' about the day that you finally made a move, and I remember the look of happiness that crossed your face right before you giggled and then tackled me down to my back, your breathing light and the sigh that escaped your lips that of complete content. That page is now torn, burnt, and but a pile of ash in my woodstove.
I look at you now, your wild hair scattered about on a white pillow case and I feel a stinging behind my eyes, because all I have of you is a few lousy pictures of our nights together. I kiss the frame, allowing only but a few tear drops to fall onto the cold glass frame.
I snuggle down into my burgundy duvet, shivering from the chill night air. It's times like these that I really wish that I didn't want your body, radiating heat onto my cold flesh. And its times like these that I wish that I could stop hugging your pillow close to my chest as I sleep on the uncomfortable side of the bed that you used to sleep on.
I reach silently for your hand under the covers and let out a sob as I realize, once again that it is not there. And that it will never be there ever again.
"What did I do wrong?" I cry out, listening for an answer from my insanely white bedroom walls.
"You just loved." The wind is my answer, and I let out a small, weak smile.
"Ya, I guess I did, didn't I?" And then I drift off to sleep, knowing that although I may dream of you, you will no longer be what consumes my everything.
Fin
a/n: This story has absolutely nothing to do with me in my personal life, its just something that I've been thinking about writing and so I did. Oh! And leave a review if you have the time.