Natasha's thoughts as she dances.
The girl strolled elegantly onto the dance floor, already dressed in her leotard. She threw her bag to the side and stepped into the centre of the hall. Mirrors surround her, a million different views to point out her good and bad moves, except she doesn't make any bad moves or else she be dead by now…With her toes pointed she twirls and she's in a world of her own…
Snow glows white on the highest mountains, not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. My troubled past trailing behind me. It's all I've known since I was 5. I do what I'm taught;
"You're the weapon Natalia" constantly plays through my mind, taunting every moment of my life.
All I know is what Red Room taught me. They taught me to kill, to not let anyone in, not let them see me. I don't stay in the shadows, silently creeping up behind you. I'm the one right beside you, the harmless friend who everyone trusts, and the one who betrays you. I was always the good girl I had to be. I did what I was told, no matter how many innocents it involved; I splattered red on my ledger. They taught me to conceal, not feel. I was void. I am the Black Widow and I'd steal your heart before you ever heard a thing.
She gracefully steps onto one foot and leaps…I have to let it go, all of it. Forget about everything I was taught. I can't hold back anymore. New opportunities are arising around me, I need to catch them before I blink and realise what exactly I've done, and what it's gonna mean to me. Let the storm rage on, I'm ready to let Barton in.
And she falls into the splits, sliding her front leg to her chest… It's funny how some distance can make everything seem alright. I was never afraid to die but I was always terrified of what they would to do me if I screwed up, if I missed a shot. The fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. Be strong, have manners, be silent, conceal, don't feel.
And gracefully bounces back up…Barton doesn't force me to do anything, I do what I want, I think for myself.
No more fake memories implanted into my mind. There is no right, no wrong, and no rules for me to follow. To most I'm free; but the memories will forever taunt me. Red Room made me who I am and I will never change, I may my walls down in front of some people but I will always be the black widow and I will always be a killer.
And twirls and twirls…I let Red Room go the moment I stepped onto US soil. On top of this snowy mountain, I am one with the wind and the sky. The cold never bothered me anyways. You'll never see me cry, crying is only for the weak and I am not weak I am a survivor. But I'll open up to one person, Barton. Red Room taught me that revealing yourself makes you compromised. It could be fatal but I was never afraid to die. Let the storm rage on.
And she falls to her knees, searching for answers. With her head in between her knees she stretches out her legs and looks up and…One thought crystallises in my mind like an icy blast. I'm never going back; the past is in the past. In Red Room I was the best and in shield I will not rise to be the best. That perfect girl is gone. I can now be whoever I want to be.
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