Meredith and Christina: Rebirthed and Revitalized
By: Meghana Aghi
Chapter 1: Mother's False Words
When I was a little girl, my mother told me nightmares didn't exist. She would yell at me when I cried, insisting that they were just a figment of imagination, a sliver of hidden consciousness, and a way to trouble an already troubled mind. For 30 years, I believed her. After every nightmare, I would sit up in bed and count to ten, repeatedly telling myself that my mind was an open field, where my thoughts had the ability to run free. I would laugh at Meredith when she would get night terrors, telling her to calm down and roll my eyes as I heard Zola's daily 4 am cries, begging for the silence that my ears craved. I lived my life with the idea of ignoring all aspects of bullshit, forcing myself to live with the same cold, still mind my mother had.
On April 24th, 2015, it had come to my attention that my mother was 100% utterly and completely wrong. Nightmares weren't a figment of my imagination, or a piece of my dark, troubled conscience. Nightmares were the moments in life where reality takes its metaphorical hand and slaps you across the face, where time is paralyzed and the only sound you struggle to hear is the constant beating of your heart. Nightmares are the points in life where the shock of what you experience silences your body and the numbness begins to inhibit your blood.
The morning Meredith called started as an ordinary one. I began my day by rocking Cecilia back to sleep, singing the same Irish lullaby that Owen's grandmother sang to him, and then gently laying her back in her pink, glittered crib for another two hours of sleep. The morning Meredith called, I had made my coffee in the same black, silk robe as I did everyday, putting two pieces of multi-grain bread in the toaster and tapping my half- manicured nails against the kitchen counter as I waited. But even in the midst of normality, the cold, April morning in Zurich seemed plagued by an eternal darkness. The silence in the air seemed to be mournful as I waited for Meredith.
Her weekly phone calls were my personal drug, the exact dose of stimulants I needed to get through my week in the hospital. When I found out about Cecilia, my first instinct was to run back to Seattle, back to my person and a life of comfort. But I had stayed and Meredith never found out. I owed it to her to keep my life a secret, informing her of only the special cases in the hospital or of weekly Friday night dinners with Preston Burke. I didn't want Meredith to leave her family and fly to Switzerland when she found out. Cecilia Hunt-Yang was unknown in Seattle. A secret that was forever to remain hidden in the best interest of everyone that held any value in my life.
The phone rang four times before I hastily picked it up. I wanted to tell Meredith about the new 3D printer my hospital had invested in, fascinating her with the latest Swiss technological advances in the medical field and how I planned to implant an artificial heart into a four month old baby that suffered from Ischemic disease. When I picked up the phone, I expected to hear Meredith coo my name into the phone as she usually did, the sign of exhaustion after an 18 hour shift at Grey-Sloan Memorial. However, she remained completely silent. Meredith Grey showed no signs of emotion.
"Meredith?", I asked hesitantly when I didn't hear her voice. "Meredith, what's wrong?".
"Christina, he's gone", she replied with a complete monotone voice. "He's gone and now I'm alone. He was supposed to come home so we could work on things but he never made it home, Christina. He never made it home".
Meredith Grey never had to finish her story that dull, spring morning. In the midst of an onset paralysis to my mind and body, I had somehow managed to pack my suitcase, wake Cecilia, and book a flight to Seattle-Tacoma. I had never felt an ache in stomach as big as I did now. The taste of vomit threatened the back of my throat, but my body was shutting down, leaving me with no energy to move.
Derek Shepherd was a man of many talents in and out of bed. To Meredith, he was the type of person that could charm you with a single smile, leaving your heart to swoon as you drank in every sip of Mr. McDreamy. To me, Shepperd was the simply the attending that I had to impress so I could spend my afternoons in the operating room. Grey-Sloan Memorial was an arena, a competition that I had to fight my way through to get to where I was today. Without Derek Shepherd, I was nothing. Without Derek Shepherd, Meredith was nothing. Grey-Sloan Memorial was a hospital that housed some of the finest medical staff on the West Coast. On the morning of April 24th, 2015, Derek Shepherd no longer belonged to Grey-Sloan Memorial. His presence existed past the clouds, watching down on us, surrounded by some of the hospital's most memorable and missed members.
Chapter 2: The Unexpectancy of Love
"Mama", Cecilia cried out as I put her in the trolley to reach for my suitcase. The poor 19 month baby had no sense of direction. She was thrown into an airplane in a span of three hours and forced to sleep for the next eight. I had no time to process how to I was going to introduce Cecilia to everyone. In the 28 months that I had been gone, Seattle never aged. Its beauty seemed to stand still even as time passed. Everything was different now. Meredith with two kids, Owen with Amelia, and even Alex had managed to find a girl to love him. In the 28 months that I had been gone, there were more than several moments where I wanted to be back in Seattle, to experience the known thrill of being in the same OR, and to go home at the end of the day with one of the sole reasons for my happiness, Owen. But with Cecilia and Burke in my life, my return from Switzerland seemed impossible.
"Meredith, it's me. Meredith, I'm in Seattle, where are you?" I barked into the phone while trying to hail a taxi.
"Mercy-West", Meredith softly replied back, not fazed by the fact that I had flown over 3,000 miles to see her. There was still minimal emotion in her voice. My heart sank lower into the ground, fearing what I was to face when I arrived at the hospital.
"I'm coming", I said, before getting into the taxi and driving off into Seattle's rain-kissed streets.
Mercy-West Hospital was approximately 3.7 miles from Grey-Sloan Memorial. A rival medical institution, the hospital was ranked amongst some of the nation's best. The building had a colloquial look to it, a smart deception that hid the grief that lived within the hospital walls. As I stood outside the hospital entrance, I stared up at the building, bouncing Cecilia on my hip and thinking about all the families that silently waited for a sliver of hope as their loved ones played soldier in the most important battle of all-the battle of life. Behind the doors, my best friend sat perched against a wall in the ER waiting room, staring at a black mark on a wall opposite her. Her arms were wrapped around her knees and she slowly rocked herself back and forth. On her, she wore Derek's favorite red and purple flannel shirt, while her feet were covered in mud stained sneakers. Meredith looked like absolute hell. My heart began to crumble at the sight of her, the thought of imagining the kind of pain she was going through made me sick. But I had to hold on, if not for her, for Derek.
"Meredith", I stood in front of her as Cecilia hiccuped into my shoulder. Meredith was unresponsive to the sound of my voice, but looked up as she heard the tiny echo of Cecilia's giggle. My best friend looked between me and Cecilia as if we were strangers, unable to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. Her eyes locked on mine and without saying anything, Meredith reached her arms out for the baby. She rocked Cecilia back and forth, closing her eyes to draw in the smell of fresh, innocent life.
"Baby girl", Meredith whispered into Cecilia's ear. "Your mother thought that she could hide this from her best friend. That she could keep you locked away in her Swiss cave, taking away my right to meet you and watch you grow up. I bet your Daddy has no idea that you exist. My kids don't have a Daddy anymore. They're a special thing, you know".
"Meredith, please", I begged her to stop for her own sake.
"Derek was a special man", Meredith said as she searched my eyes for Cecilia's name.
"Cecilia", I said as I shamefully looked down to my shoes.
"Cecilia, your daddy Owen would love you with all his heart the way Derek loved Bailey and Zola. Owen would sing you to sleep the way Derek would when Zola had her nightmares. Owen would feed you, change you, and cry when he met you. Just the way Derek did when he met little Bailey", Meredith said as her eyes fought back every ounce of emotion that was shelved inside her.
I had to look away for my best friend's sake. I clamped my mouth tight and shut my eyes so the tears wouldn't roll down my cheeks. I couldn't look anymore.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for Meredith Grey", a nurse interrupted.
"Everybody seems to be looking for me", Meredith replied sarcastically.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but the doctor needs you to sign the papers so that we can get on with the procedure".
"Meredith, what's going on", I quickly asked.
Meredith turned to me with Cecilia in her arms and looked me straight in the eyes. "Derek was in a car accident. They neurosurgeon couldn't get to him on time and now he's a vegetable. He's minimally conscious and has no brain activity. Derek is never going to wake up, Christina. He promised me he would come back and he didn't. We had plans, Christina. We had plans to have another baby, to watch our kids grow up, to grow old together. He's gone now and I have to watch him die. I have to watch my own husband take his last breath because the doctor needs the space for another patient".
"Leave and get me a doctor now", I shouted at the nurse. She looked at me with fear, nodded her head and scurried away. In a matter of seconds, a familiar middle aged man who looked like he hadn't slept in days walked up to me with no expression on his face.
"Dr. Yang, what a pleasure to see you. How are things in Switzerland?", he asked, trying to make small talk while ignoring the state of my best friend in the corner.
"Cut the bullshit, Pierce", I snarled. "With over 200 licensed doctors in this building, you couldn't find one neurosurgeon in the ER?".
"Dr. Yang, Dr. Shepherd is a very respected man in our field. What happened to him, it's extremely unfortunate. But please understand that our staff tried to save Dr. Shepherd with all of our best efforts. As a doctor, you know that the chance for Derek to wake up is extremely low to impossible. Take your time, talk to your friend. But Dr. Shepherd isn't going to be waking up anytime soon", Dr. Pierce said with assumed sorrow in his eyes.
Before I could say anything, Meredith spoke, "Let me have 5 minutes with him please, and then you can do it".
"Meredith, you don't have to do this. She doesn't have to do this Pierce, there are ways.", I cried out.
"He's gone, Christina. He's gone and isn't coming back. I can't watch him suffer. I promised him I would take care of him. I have to do this, Christina", Meredith said.
Chapter 3: Love's Eternal Kiss
With that, she handed me back a sleeping Cecilia and followed Dr. Pierce into Room 110. My chest was heaving now, and I felt like I was going to be violently sick. The frightened nurse seemed to notice as she extended her arms for Cecilia, nodding her head towards the door. Behind the window, I could see Meredith signing a yellow piece of paper. Her hand moved, but her eyes were glued to a semi-lifeless body in front of her. She looked up and turned her head towards me, mouthing "I need my person". I opened the door to the room and was greeted by the sound of a machine that voiced a slow, steady heart beat. I had never seen someone so exposed and vulnerable as much as Derek was that afternoon. There were scars and bruises that kissed his forehead, his eyes were swollen shut, and his chest didn't seem to rise up or fall down. I couldn't look him anymore so I sat in the corner with my head between my legs.
"Just let me say bye", Meredith quietly said to the nurse. She sat down next to Derek's bed and stroked his head while looking at him with eyes of nothing but utmost admiration.
"Derek", she whispered as she began to list every special moment they had in their lives. She hit them all: their first night together after the bar, the first time he told her he loved her outside his trailer, when he asked her to marry him, the moment they went home with Zola, and the night before he left, where he told her that he would always love her. With every word she said, I cried harder and harder silently in the corner.
"Derek", Meredith said she she stroked his face. "It's okay, Derek you can go. We'll be fine. You go".
The room went silent as Meredith looked at Derek for the last time, engulfing the freckles on the sides of his cheeks, the mole on the side of his lip, and the way one strand of his hair turned to the left while the rest sat on the right. Meredith looked at Derek like she was meeting him for the very first time. Her eyes were soft, she had the faint whispers of a smile, and she watched him as if he were watching her back. She was completely and undoubtedly in love with her husband.
"Are you ready?", the nurse solemnly asked.
"No, but you can go ahead", replied Meredith.
Meredith held onto Derek's hand and never lost eye contact with him as the nurse removed the breathing tube from his mouth.
"Derek", Meredith cooed as the nurse stripped off the final piece of tape. Her hand clung to his chest and she watched it rise for the very last time and then fall. The only sound that could be heard in the room was a static beep, a noise that marked the end of a life.
Chapter 4: An Ode to Christina and Meredith
Meredith Grey held her lifeless love for four hours after his last breath. She talked to him, telling him about Cecilia and how the Swiss weather had straightened out the curls in my hair. She interlocked her fingers with his, and smiled down as she stroked her thumb over his cold, limp hands. She put her head in the crook of his neck and shoulder, occasionally kissing his neck. My best friend had entered a state of denial.
The doctor walked in after four hours, asking for the fourth time that day if Meredith was ready to let the body be taken away. For the first three times, Meredith looked at me with eyes of despair that screamed for help. When the doctor walked in for the fourth time, I stood up and walked over to the bed. I gazed at Derek, fighting back tears that stung my eyes, kissed his cheek and began to pull Meredith away. She didn't resist and simply kissed Derek's hand and smiled at him for the very last time. I led her out to the waiting room and sat her down in the chair, while kneeling in front of her. I looked into her eyes and searched them as I watched her eyes birth the tears that were due hours before. I calmly nodded my head, letting her know that it was okay. It was okay for her to cry, for her to scream bloody murder, for her to grieve over her loss. In a matter of seconds, Meredith Grey was lying in my lap, her body heaving up and down from the heaviness of her tears. The waiting room echoed with her sobs and the quiet whimpers that followed. Half of her soul was sucked out of my best friend that afternoon, where her heart was broken to the point that the pieces lay in counts of billions and trillions. There was no point in trying to piece them back together. She was too far gone. As twilight began to taint the Seattle sky, two best friends sat huddled around each other on the 5th floor of the Mercy- West Hospital, where they remained paralyzed and lifeless, waiting to be born again.