Title: "Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby"
Author: Lila
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing: Bellamy, Raven, Bellamy/Clarke
Spoiler: "The 48"
Length: Part I of III
Summary: In the aftermath of her night with Bellamy, Raven learns what it means to be a family.
Disclaimer: Not mine, just borrowing them for a few paragraphs.
Trigger Warning: There is discussion of abortion in this chapter. I don't think it warrants a different rating but I do want readers to know in advance. Please proceed as you feel comfortable.
Author's Note: So many things: plot bunny that wouldn't go away, a back injury that's put too much time on my hands, a chance to get inside Raven's head, inspiration to write a fic named after one of my absolute most favorite songs, general excitement about season two. My understanding of pregnancy is based on the internet and my even more limited understanding of back injuries directly correlates to the herniated disk that's driving me insane. I mostly think I got it right, but forgive any glaring inaccuracies. Title courtesy of Gillian Welch, Emmylou Harris, and Alison Krauss.
There's a part of Raven, a large, aching part, that isn't the least bit surprised when she saves the day and her reward is a bullet in her spine.
She can smell it in the air, charred meat and crisp metal and the ghosts of the people she cooked real good. She wants to say there's guilt there too, but mostly relief. Outside the drop ship doors she can hear the stomp of booted feet and her people's shocked gasps.
This isn't the Ark. It wasn't a culling.
It will be her salvation.
She wonders, not for the first time, if her life is little more than a sick joke.
There's still a bullet in her spine and she can't feel her legs, but she has the energy to kill an enemy, the heart to spare another. She glares at him across the bloody expanse of the drop ship, wonders how the only constant in her life is the very thing that put her here.
Murphy's words fade in and out, but when she closes her eyes it's his hand on her brow.
Raven's alone when she opens her eyes.
She doesn't know where she is, but she recognizes the metal walls and gloomy light, the faint hint of processed air. Earth has never been her friend, but it's changed her. She can't go back to walls and rules and Finn's easy laugh. She can't live in a place where the rain won't fall in a gentle mist across her face.
She shudders and feels the sharp pain all the way to her toes.
She feels her toes.
She blinks and it's still the familiar metal box, but there's sunlight slanting through the open door and people laughing outside the walls. Birds calling. Finn's voice cutting through the din. She might be in the Ark, but she's also on Earth.
There's a rustle and someone comes through the doorway, pushes aside the parachute and pads to her bedside.
Raven glances up and into Abby's warm eyes. "Welcome home, honey," Abby says.
Raven can do little more than stare, blink back the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. She's surprised by how much they're the words she's longed to hear.
It's a slow recovery.
She can't go to the bathroom by herself let alone leave the med-bay, which means there's a full team of people helping her. It's worse than sitting on the sidelines while Clarke and Jasper executed her plan.
There's little she can do. She can't walk and barely sit up, so she grits her teeth and lets Finn exercise her legs.
She watches him as he flexes her right calf, resists the urge push his hair off his brow. They're in a gray room and he's smiling at her, fingers stroking over her skin. He ducks his head to hide the guilt in his eyes.
Raven turns her head into her pillow, closes her eyes. It's so very hard letting go of the past.
She's in the med-bay six weeks before Abby clears her to leave.
There are still daily physical therapy appointments, but she gets a tent and a stack of firewood. It's not much but it's hers and after so many weeks of being constantly surrounded by people, it's nice to have the peace and quiet. She's still recovering – walking is hard and she tires easily – and Abby wants her left alone. She doesn't argue, not when it means getting back on her feet, getting back to herself.
She's tired of crying over Finn and mourning the life she's lost. There's no longer a bullet in her spine and her brain works just fine. She's ready to put it behind her and move forward.
Life has other plans.
Eight weeks post-op and things are getting back on track. Raven's joined the engineering team and spends most of her time tinkering with radios and trying to build a functioning communication system. It's tedious work, well below her pay-grade, but it keeps her hands busy and gives her something to do. There are few things she hates more than idle time.
She knows she's recovering from major surgery, but she's exhausted all the time. Suddenly, the girl who could sometimes literally run on fumes needs an afternoon nap. She has to use the bathroom all the time too, and while she's happy to go by herself, it involves little more than a rickety shed and a hole in ground. It's a miserable experience all around.
She stops by the med-bay before dinner to consult with Abby. She's tried drinking less water, but it only gives her a headache. There has to be something the medics can do.
Abby listens to her heart and takes her temperature, makes notes on her tablet and wrinkles her brow. Raven's insides freeze just from the look on Abby's face. She can't take more time in that bed.
Abby watches her over the tablet. "I have some more questions. I need you to answer honestly."
"Okay…" Raven keeps her expression blank, but doesn't understand. She's never been anything but honest with Abby.
"Any changes to your diet?"
"Lots of nuts and berries. I know I should eat more meat, but it's not for me."
Abby nods, taps at the tablet. "Any physical changes, other than the symptoms that you already shared?"
Raven crosses her arms over her chest and unexpectedly winces. It's not just her back that's sore. Still, she presses on. "Abby, what are you getting at?"
Abby sighs and puts down the tablet. "Raven, I think you're pregnant."
Raven does little more than blink, although she does drop her arms to her sides. "That's ridiculous." Her voice is flat, even, not a hint of any reaction in her tone.
"All the signs are there. I can't perform a test, but I treated you all through your recovery. You didn't have a menstrual cycle, Raven."
"I had major surgery!"
Abby's smile is gentle. "It's been eight weeks, Raven. Have you missed one before?"
Raven feels her lower lip tremble and she catches it in her teeth, bites down so hard blood beads on her tongue, but it keeps the rest of her from shaking. This can't be happening.
Abby takes Raven's hands, threads their fingers together and squeezes once. "It's going to be okay."
Raven wants to believe her. She knows better.
She waits a few days before confronting it.
She wakes and sleeps, asks Jackson to check her back, and builds more radios. She pushes for grenades and mines too, ignores Kane's pinched expression.
"We're guards, Raven, not soldiers," he tells her. He holds up a cattle prod to demonstrate. "This is our weapon of choice."
She shakes her head. "You don't know what we're up against. They're regrouping, planning a counter attack." She tightens her jaw and glares into his eyes. "You weren't there. You don't know what it was like."
When he speaks, Kane's voice is soft, but no less threatening. "This isn't your call."
She's learned better than to push back. She sees Bellamy on that first day, wrists locked in handcuffs, eyes blazing from a face coated in blood. Instead she schools her expression, keeps the disgust from showing on her face, and storms off towards the communications tent. There are always more radios to fix and tablets to charge.
She doesn't make it. She's half way there when she's struck by sudden nausea, fast and burning, and she barely makes it behind the closest tent before she's puking her guts up. Abby's words flash through her mind as she wipes her mouth.
She catalogues the symptoms: missed period, fatigue, nausea, her boobs have been sore for weeks. It's like her knees go out from beneath her and she sinks to her feet, crouching in the dirt as she tries to catch her breath.
She could let this go, see how it plays out, except it's Finn all over again, how she risked her life to save his and then watched him fall in love with someone else. She can't be that girl again; she has to stop lying to herself.
She stands on shaky legs, folds her arms over her middle and doesn't ignore the small, hard bump that used to be her concave belly.
She knows better than to run from what's coming.
Abby is reviewing charts when Raven finds her in the med-bay. It's between rounds and there's a bowl of lukewarm stew at her elbow, but Raven doesn't feel bad about interrupting lunch. Abby knew what would happen when she dropped that bombshell; Raven's only delivering the fallout.
"How are you feeling?" Abby asks and sets aside her chart. Raven leans against the examination table and stares at her boots.
"Okay. I threw up today."
"Oh?"
Raven nods but keeps examining a scuff mark on her left foot. "I had to talk to Kane. He can have that affect."
Abby chuckles, but Raven knows she's just humoring her. She lifts her gaze from her feet and meets Abby's eyes. They're warm, but lack pity. She mostly looks relieved that Raven is facing the truth. "What's up, Raven?"
"I need your help."
"Of course."
Raven shakes her head, forces herself to keep meeting Abby's gaze. "You don't understand. I can't have this baby. You need to help me end the pregnancy."
Abby just stares at her with stricken eyes. "Raven…" she starts.
"No. You don't get to play high and mighty with me. I know you did it on the Ark. I just need you to do it here."
"I can't." Abby's voice is quiet but laced with frustration. "It's not that I'm morally opposed, but I just can't. There's no medication, no equipment. It's just not possible."
"But there are herbs..."
Abby shakes her head. "Even if I knew where to find them, it's the middle of winter. We'd have to collect them in spring, dry them through the summer...Raven, I'm so sorry."
For the second time in one day, Raven feels her knees give out from beneath her. "I can't do this, Abby." There are tears on her cheeks and she doesn't know what she's crying for, the choice that's no longer hers or the way her head falls to Abby's shoulder as she sinks down at her side.
"Shhh, shhh," Abby says and holds her, wraps her in her arms the way Raven's mama never did. "We'll get through this together."
Raven thinks of the past, the mother who abandoned her and the boy who left her and the people who disappeared under her watch. She leans in closer, tries to lose herself in the hope in Abby's voice.
She knows better than to believe her.
All that's left is telling the father.
She doesn't see much of him, although she gets regular updates from Finn. Her ex has landed on Kane's good side and was instrumental in Bellamy's release a few weeks back. He's trying to get on her good side too and seems to pop up at least once a day, to help her through pt or bring her lunch or do the heavy lifting when she needs her worktable cleared.
Today, she seeks him out instead, pretends to examine a map of Mount Weather while she works up her nerve.
It's still hard talking to Finn. Hard knowing she'll never kiss him again, or run her fingers through his hair, or fall asleep listening to his heartbeat. Mostly, it's hard remembering that once he was her entire world and now he's just another person on Earth. She'll always care about him, but never like it was before.
"Hey," he says, smiles that easy smile that's always slightly tinged with guilt.
She forces a smile of her own. "I'm looking for Bellamy."
Finn's smile falls. "Getting right to the point…"
She sighs, crosses her arms over her chest, gently this time to avoid the wince. From the moment she walked in, Finn's eyes have never left her face. There's anger beneath her grief, but she's not ready for him to know her secret just yet. "Do you know where he is?"
Finn sighs, but gives her the info anyway. Bellamy has made himself scarce since his release, but Raven knows he and Finn spend most of their time searching for their missing people. It's been two months without a trace of half a hundred teenagers. Kane and Co have all but given up, but Bellamy won't let go. "He's by the west wall. He has a supply depot over there."
Raven says her thanks and heads in Bellamy's direction. It's not ideal. She'd rather the privacy of her tent for this kind of conversation, but she doesn't want to wait. So many days Finn didn't tell her the truth and when he did it had already crawled inside her like a festering wound. She drops a hand to her belly. There are some things that can't wait.
She finds him sorting through military-grade gear he and Finn must have pulled from an empty bunker. There's a canteen and knife holster and even woodland fatigues. Everything he needs for a stealth mission to find their people.
"Hey, Shooter," she says. It comes out louder than intended, and the pet name wasn't planned either, but it still feels more normal than saying his actual name. She takes a deep breath, prepares for the most awkward conversation of her life. "I need to talk to you."
He puts down a pocketknife and turns to face her. The makeshift shack is little more pieces of tin held together by thin wire, but there's a table and two chairs and no other people are around. It will do after all. Bellamy takes one chair, gestures that she take the other. "It's been a while, Reyes. What do you want to talk about?" The fingers of his right hand tap a constant beat against the tabletop. It's now or never.
"I'm pregnant."
She says it in a rush of words, lets them fall and waits for the aftermath. The room is silent and Bellamy keeps watching her with an even expression. "Okay."
Her forehead scrunches as she studies his nonchalant reaction. "You're the father."
He just keeps watching her and she feels like a contestant on those old game shows they used to sneak after hours back on Mecha station. She keeps watching him back, catches the moment when his brows knit and her words sink into his brain.
"How is that even possible?"
She can't bring herself to smile, but she feels the tiniest bit more like herself. She has the facts, the information. For the moment, she's in charge of the situation. "Do I need to draw you a diagram?"
"You're supposed to be on birth control!"
Raven sighs, parrots the explanations Abby provided for her. "Nothing is foolproof. It could have been radiation when I came down in the pod. We have better insulation on later models. My injection could have failed. There's a million different reasons."
His face suddenly lights up. "You were fucking Spacewalker. How can you be sure that it was me?"
Raven's eyes drop to the scratched metal of the table. "I was only with Finn once and it was right after he got stabbed. He didn't…you know…" Her cheeks flame red and she wants to kick herself because it's not like she was the one with performance issues.
A knowing smirk curves Bellamy's mouth. "Seal the deal?"
"Ugh, Blake."
He reaches across the table and takes her hand. "You're sure though. I mean, just because Spacewalker couldn't finish doesn't mean – "
"I'm sure," she interrupts, because she truly is. The signs are all there and soon her belly will do all the telling for her. "It's not my fault your super sperm did the trick."
That smug smile widens. "Bellamy Blake and his super sperm. Sounds like a good name for a band."
She rolls her eyes. "This isn't funny. I'm freaking out here, Bellamy."
"Okay," he says. "I get it."
There's still a hint of a grin on his face and Raven really doesn't think he does. She pushes to her feet and unzips her jacket, takes his hand and slides it under the layers of sweater and tank covering her belly. She isn't showing much, but there's a slight bump there, hard and hot under his fingers. "Got it?"
Bellamy swallows hard, eyes widening so his cheeks look like one giant freckle. "This is really happening, isn't it?"
Seeing the fear in his eyes brings out all the terror in her heart, and her chin wobbles in that horrifyingly vulnerable way. "I have no idea what I'm doing."
"Hey, hey," he says, flexes his fingers under hers. "Lucky for you, I do."
"I didn't mean for this to happen."
He shrugs. "There are so many things I didn't mean to have happen, but they did and all we can do is face them." He smiles up at her, reaches with his free hand to cup her cheek. "I got this."
She believes him.
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