Love to Love You by The Corrs
xxx
I met you on a sunny Autumn day
You instantly attracted me when asking for the way
God if I had known the pain I'd make you feel
I would have stopped this thought of us, and turned upon my heel
xxx
"So, you willing to put your money where your mouth is?" he asked, leaning in close and giving her a decidedly provocative smile.
She shook her head and smiled. "Sorry, haven't got any money."
He stepped closer - till he was right in her personal space, causing goosebumps to rise all over her body.
"I'm sure you can find something to wager." His eyebrows raised mockingly and the smile that was wreaking havoc with her tender heart turned up a few notches.
She gave him her trademark 'Starbuck' smirk, the one usually reserved for Lee, and accepted his challenge.
"The winner gets to do whatever he or she wants to the other."
His smile grew even wider and his blue eyes gleamed in anticipation.
"I like those stakes," he said, voice becoming slightly husky.
"I knew you would."
He put on a surprised face. "You haven't known me that long, how could you know me so well already?"
She stepped forward till they were nearly touching. "Just a lucky guess I suppose."
"Let's cut the chatter shall we, and get to the game." He bounced the pyramid ball off the wall and caught it neatly.
"Let the games begin," Kara said, throwing her inhibitions to the wind. She needed this - needed him - someone who didn't know her, past or present. Someone she could have a clean slate with. She was ready to break with everything and everyone else and take a chance.
After all, flying by the seat of her pants was what she did best.
xxx
Though you should leave me
Time make it be alright
Though you must leave me
Time will help you see the light
You don't need me
Time make it be alright
Though you must leave me
Believe me when I tell you
xxx
"I'm coming back. I said it, I meant it."
She knew she was going to live to regret those words. She'd said them in a weak moment of passion but there was little chance she was going to be able to follow through on them. The Old Man was going to be furious with her when she returned - if she returned - and wasn't likely to grant her request, even if it had been reasonable, which it wasn't. Send a rescue party all the way back to Caprica for fifty plus people? Waste of resources and lives, likely as not. And even if he was willing, wouldn't that mean they would have to search the whole planet for survivors? And the other eleven colonies as well? Fair was fair after all. Capricans couldn't be placed above anyone else in importance, no matter what feelings Anders had stirred in her.
And if she wasn't going to be allowed to return, she'd have to attempt a rescue all on her own. Which, while foolish, was definitely the sort of thing she was known for doing. Which is also why it would never work. She'd already escaped from under their noses once, it wasn't likely she'd be allowed to do that again. More than likely she'd end up in the brig once she got back anyway ... somewhere she could do nothing but rot and think of her soon-to-be broken promise to Sam.
xxx
I would love to love you like you do me
I'd love to love you like you do me
There's a pillar in my way you see
I'd love to love you like you do me
xxx
"You're my friend, I love you, and if you need to get something off your chest, I'm here for you."
How those words poked a thorn into her heart. Words she'd have died to hear ... before Samuel T. Anders came into her life. Now? She wasn't sure what to do with them. Take him at face value - he loved her - and jump him? She would be betraying the promise she'd made to Sam such a short while earlier, and though there were some who swore she had no morals, she had her own code and that was something that was unacceptable to her.
If only Lee had said those words instead of the nasty, hurtful ones he'd said to drive her away, which pretty much were the same thing anyway, just phrased somewhat differently. It was too late now though - she'd decided to move on and leave whatever they might have had behind.
But she felt a vague sense of regret though, as though something important was slipping away for ever.
xxx
You recognised my barrier to love
I know there's nothing worse than unrequited love
So I prayed to God that I could give the love you gave to me
But something's lying in my way, preventing it to be
xxx
She lay beside him, one warm arm draped over her possessively, fighting tears. What is wrong with me? she wondered. I've got a great guy - one who loves me unconditionally and will always be here for me yet it's still not enough.
The make-up sex had been amazing but it was the fight they'd had earlier that was sticking in her mind and causing her stomach to churn.
"Do you love me Kara?" he asked point blank.
"Of course I do," she responded, slightly irked that he even had to ask.
"Then why aren't you honest with me?"
She flushed. "What do you mean?"
"I ran into your friend Lee at the market today."
The world began to swim. What if he'd told Sam about them?
"He seemed very curious about how our marriage is doing," he said bluntly, "almost as if he wished it was falling apart."
"I ... I don't know what he would have been thinking," she said faintly.
"We spent a fair bit of time talking about you and I'm just beginning to realize I hardly know you. There are so many things about you that you've never told me."
She laughed self-consciously. "I just don't like talking about the past. It's all over and done now you know? No use in bringing it up."
"Why does he know so much about you then?" he asked softly. "Obviously you've shared all of that past with him, why can't you share it with me? I'm your husband Kara, the man you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Can't you be honest with me?"
It had taken a lot of convincing and even a few tears to show him that the ghosts of her past and the skeletons in her closet were best left undisturbed. He'd seemed to understand and had done his best to make it up to her with the best sex they'd ever had.
Still, even though she'd gotten her way with him there was an empty space inside - the space that should have been filled by someone she could open up to and share her hurts with.
That someone wasn't Sam.
xxx
Though you should leave me
Time make it be alright
Though you must leave me
Believe me when I tell you
I would love to love you like you do to me
I'd love to love you like you do to me
But there's a pillar in my way you see
Love to love you like you do to me
xxx
"We have to do something," he murmured between feverish kisses.
"Okay," she said slowly, wondering what he might have in mind.
"Divorce."
The word almost sent chills up her spine. Not that it was something taboo or even something she wouldn't consider under different circumstances, but now? No way. Divorce was admitting you were wrong, that you'd made a mistake. That you're a screw-up, her subconscious whispered. Not like everyone doesn't know that already, she thought, heart sinking. It was true though - she was a screw-up. She could never manage to do anything right when it came to relationships. Even when she tried to do what was best - denying herself the thing she wanted most in the world - she ended up hurting people.
So she'd vowed to stick with Sam no matter what. It may be difficult times now for them but she wasn't going to admit she'd been wrong in marrying him. This way she could have them both on her terms. But though it was making her happy it was obviously driving Lee to distraction. He could barely keep his hands off her in front of everyone and now he wanted them both to admit their marriages were a mistake and be together freely.
No, she would have none of that. She might not be willing to work it out with Sam, but she wasn't willing to call it quits either. Her pride wouldn't allow that. But Lee wouldn't understand, so she gave him a reason he would - or at least respect, even if he didn't believe it himself - her religious beliefs wouldn't allow it.
"So where does that leave us?" she asked sadly, knowing the truth before it was ever uttered - the same place they'd always been ...
"Trapped."
xxx
Break those pillars down
Break those pillars down
Take those pillars down, down, down
Oh, take those pillars down
xxx
"Can you ever forgive me?" she asked humbly, eyes full of tears. Those who knew her might have thought she was acting - having never seen Starbuck in tears - but she was deadly serious. The look of hurt on Sam's face when she confessed her affair with Lee was enough to break her heart into pieces. She did love him - she really did, and though she'd always loved Lee more, she regretted hurting Sam the way she had. He was a good man, he hadn't deserved to be put through so much pain on her account.
He walked forward and took her in his arms, tears gathering in his eyes. "I love you," he said huskily. "I've never stopped loving you, no matter where you were or what you were doing."
She began to cry full out - one of the only times in her life she allowed anyone to see her cry. "I'm so sorry Sam, I never meant to hurt you."
"I know you didn't," he said, slowly stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. "Just promise me something okay?"
"Anything," she said tearfully, lifting her face to look at his.
"Promise me that I'll be the only one. If you ever decide you want someone else more, tell me and I'll let you go." His lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears again.
She nodded, unable to speak over the lump in her throat.
"I love you Sam, you and only you," she whispered finally, knowing the words were a lie but unable to tell him the truth. She wished she could love him and only him - life would be so much easier that way. But there was a part of her heart that would always belong to Lee ... and if given another opportunity she didn't know if she would have the willpower to resist him.
She'd never had before.
xxx
(Love to love you like you do me)
Break those pillars down
(Love to love you like you do me)
Oh take those pillars down
(Love to love you)
(Love to love you)
(Love to love you)
Take those pillars down
(Love to love you)
xxx
fin