All
characters copyright their owners.
((Scene
one: A girl of about 13 with short brown hair and blue/green/gray eyes has
Tamahome, Miaka, Chiriko, Mitsukake, Hotohori, Nuriko, Tasuki, and Chichiri
lined up against a wall. All but the
female brunette look absolutely confused and a bit scared.))
Girl:
Welcome to my world, everyone!
Nuriko:
Who are you?
Girl:
Me? I'm Lanen, the author, of course…!
Tamahome:
Not another author…
Lanen:
Yup! Another one.
Tasuki:
(shudder) Why da f*ck do we have to be involved?!
Lanen:
Shut up if you don't want me to hurt you… I can control if you live or die… so don't
do anything stupid.
Chiriko:
(looking at Miaka) Too late…
Miaka:
(eating whatever she had in that little backpack of her's, and being completely
oblivious to what's going on around her. [Like usual]) (muffled) What did you
say?
Lanen:
(to Chiriko) That's an exception. It's
not her fault she can't control herself.
Plus, she'd one of my favorites!
Err...off topic…but you boys know better. Don't even think of trying anything,
got it? Unless ordered by an author!
Tasuki:
Favorites… (cussing like crazy) Damnit! I hate f*cking girls! This sucks!
Lanen:
Tsk, tsk, tsk, Tasuki! Trying to get off on the wrong foot?
Tasuki:
?!
Lanen:
A little ahead of your time… sorry!
What I'm saying is that if ya keep that up, you're gonna be tortured by
loving fans like me… ALL GIRLS… where you will be chained to a wall and
helpless… go ahead… keep complainin'!
Everyone:
(sweatdrop)
Chichiri:
Why did you bring us here, no da?
Hotohori:
To stare at my beautiful face?
Lanen:
Not… exactly. Actually, you are here to
aid me on my mission. Raid WalMart,
torture its employees, torture its consumers, and have a lot of fun doing it!
Tasuki:
You are one of the first authors that brought us here for fun…
Tamahome:
This is some trick isn't it..?
Lanen:
Hmm… you're unusually sharp today… but, well, yes, yes I am here for your fun!
Mitsukake:
(glares, unsure of what to think of this author)
Lanen:
SOOOOO Everyone, come here and I'll give you your posts and directions!
Everyone:
(reluctantly) Ok…
Lanen:
Hmm…. Wait a second! I gotta get some
peoples to complete this… (grins and her friend Kiyara pops out of thin
air. Followed by the Seiryuu twins,
Amiboshi and Suboshi)
Kiyara:
HEY! I get to be here!
Twins:
What…?!
Suzaku
seishi: What is this!? You said you'd
be nice!
Lanen:
Don't worry, I brought them here to assist in a couple of the festivities… They
won't hurt you… or else, of course…
Both
Amiboshi and Suboshi: (looking at each other in horror) (then looking at the
Suzaku in even more horror) (Amiboshi passed out at the sight of another
author)
Suboshi:
Uhmm… Amiboshi?
Kiyara:
So Lanen, you have them on a leash, don'tcha?
Lanen:
Sure do! Now let's go have some fun…
*One
hour and several sets of normal clothing later*
Tasuki:
(looks over his outfit of a white tee-shirt, jeans and a leather jacket) (decides its not too bad)
Lanen:
Group huddle everyone!!!!
*fifteen
minutes later*
((Scene
two: Tamahome is in the clock section of the store with a mischievous grin
plastered to his face. He seems to be
setting the clocks.))
Tamahome:
So the author wants me to set the clocks to go off at 10 minutes intervals
throughout the day… hmm… (has set half
the clocks)
Customer:
Excuse me, but what're you doing???
Tamahome:
Uhmm… uhh… checking if all of the alarms work, of course…
Customer:
(sweatdrop) Oh… Okay… (leaves)
Tamahome:
Che… this is really stupid.
Lanen:
(walks by) Did you say something, Tamahome?
Tamahome:
(nervously) N-no… not a word…
Lanen:
I'm watching you… (goes to another department)
Tamahome:
(sighs) (alarm clock goes off) (jumps another 3 feet) Alright, alright…
(continues to set the clocks)
((Scene
three: Hotohori is cussing under his breath as he wears the WalMart
costume. He has just finished putting
every M&M bag in the store in the warehouse.))
Customer:
(approaching Hotohori) (looks at tag)
Excuse me, uhmm, Bill.
Hotohori:
(thinking: Bill?!) Yes?
Customer:
I was curious as to where you would have any M&Ms… Even though it is a
stupid question…
Hotohori:
(mumbling) You don't know the half…
Customer:
Hmm?
Hotohori:
They're on layaway.
Customer:
M&Ms?! On LAYAWAY!?
Hotohori:
(nodding)
Customer:
What is the world coming to? (walks away just a tad bit freaked out about the
chocolates)
Hotohori:
You'd never guess…
((Scene
four: Chiriko is walking to the electronics section of WalMart, searching for
an employee.))
Chiriko:
(spots one) Excuse me, sir?
Employee:
Yes?
Chiriko:
(in serious tone) I think we have a Code 3 in House Wares…
Employee:
Oh dear! (runs of to the other side of the store)
Chiriko:
(shaking his head and sighing) Poor delusional fool…
((Scene
five: Mitsukake is towering over the customers in the stores. He walks toward the radios.)
Mitsukake:
(silently) (turns two radios onto the Polka Station)
Customers:
(looking up and around, curiously)
Mitsukake:
(continues) (then blasts them and
leaves quietly, leaving the entire Electronic department in a ruckus)
Lanen:
(giving Mitsukake a high-five) Let's watch the reaction…
((Various
customers are staring at each other.
The employees are trying to find the culprit, calm down the customers,
and turn of the music off all at once.
Two people are actually dancing… they knock down a display. The entire area has turned into a war zone. Police have been called in.))
Lanen:
We should leave…
((Scene
six: Nuriko is standing in the gift-wrap aisle. He is holding a tube of metallic silver gift wrap in his right
hand. A woman of maybe 20 walks past
him.))
Nuriko:
Engarde!
Woman:
…
Nuriko:
(holds out tube of gift wrap) (woman
takes it)
Woman:
(smacks Nuriko over the head with it)
Nuriko:
(eyes are all swirly and little phoenixes fly around his head.) Ow…
((Scene
seven: Tasuki is holding a jug of orange juice, and standing a few yards
outside of the restrooms. He doesn't look too happy…))
Tasuki:
I got stuck with the most f*cking stupid job of them all… (pours the orange
juice all the way to the nearest urinal all over the nicely tiled floor)
Customers:
(peering at the orange juice and looking disgusted) The nerve of some people!
Tasuki:
(comes out of the bathroom and ducks behind a clothing rack)
Lanen:
Hiii Tasuki! (glomps Tasuki)
Tasuki:
(prying Lanen off of him) Get the f*ck off of me!
Lanen:
Shh… do you want everyone to hear you?
Let's just chill man… look at the faces on them! Hahah…
Tasuki:
(glaring)
Lanen:
I could've sworn I heard you complaining before…
Tasuki:
(alarmed) No! No swearin'!
Lanen:
Alright, then…
((Scene
eight: Chichiri is carrying a bright yellow "Caution: Wet Floor" sign under his
arm. He darts to the nearest clothing
section: Lingerie. Blushing furiously,
he puts the sign down.))
Chichiri:
(red) (takes out a bottle of water that has been dyed yellow) He pours it all
over the area surrounding the sign.)
Women:
(shrieking) EWWWWWWWWW
Woman:
(spots Chichiri) PERVERT!!!!!!!!
Chichiri:
(runs away, getting pelted with various items…) ITAI, NO DA!?
((Scene
nine: Miaka and Tamahome are in the Camping Department of WalMart. They have set up a tent.))
Miaka:
OOH! This is so romantic!!!
Tamahome:
(sweatdrop)
Camping
Department Manager: Excuse me, but you have to leave…
Miaka:
You can only come in if you have --- what was it again??
Tamahome:
You have to have pillows from Bed and Bath!
Manager:
… I am going to have to call Security…
Lanen:
(suddenly walking by) Excuse me, would you be able to help me with this… (walks
with Manager to other end of department so Tamahome and Miaka are out of
trouble for the time being.)
Tamahome:
I just don't get her…
Miaka:
What'd you say Tamahome?
Tamahome:
Nothing, Miaka, nothing…
((Scene
ten: Suboshi is looking around the candy aisle as if it was his first day on
earth… well… technically… it is… but… you get the point…))
Employee:
Can I help you?
Suboshi:
(crying) Why don't you people leave me alone?! (runs off)
Employee:
Okay, then… (sweatdrop)
((Scene
eleven: Hotohori is standing in the Toiletries aisle. He is holding a case of floss.))
Hotohori:
(turns to Lanen) Must I do this??
Lanen:
Uh-huh.
Hotohori:
(takes out the floss) (he looks into the security camera and gives a toss of
his hair.)
Lanen:
(snickers)
Hotohori:
(flosses his teeth for all of Security to see)
((Meanwhile,
in Security…))
Man:
(shudders) Why did I choose this job?!
((Scene
twelve: Amiboshi and Suboshi are in the Toy aisle. Boxes are littered in strategic positioning…))
Amiboshi:
Hmm… GI Joes verses X-Men…
Child:
(runs down the hallway and knocks over some things)
Suboshi:
Noo! (picks it up)
Adult:
(tramples through the mess)
Suboshi:
My war! My well thought our war! Gone!
Adult:
…
Amiboshi:
All of that work… gone… all gone… She'll kill me… (referring to Lanen)
Adult:
Kids… you have some issues…
((Scene
thirteen: Mitsukake is going down the halls, and has stopped ever person he's
seen.))
Mitsukake:
(uncomfortably) Do you have any Grey Poupon?
Person:
No…
Mitsukake:
Do you have any Grey Poupon?
Woman:
I don't think soo…
Mitsukake:
(glowers) (turns to another person) Do you have any Grey—
Kiyara:
NANI?! What the hell are you talking
about?!
Mitsukake:
…
Kiyara:
Oh! Did Lanen set you up to this (evil
grin)?
Mitsukake:
How'd you ever guess…?
Kiyara:
Cuz I do the same kind of stuff to the Slayers peoples!
Mitsukake:
(sweatdrops) Dear Suzaku…
Kiyara:
Hey, let's play a joke on her!
Mitsukake:
…She'll kill me…
Kiyara:
Nah, she's obsessed with you guys…
Mitsukake:
?!
((Scene
fourteen: Miaka is standing in a stall in the bathroom, a bit embarrassed.))
Miaka:
(nervously) HEY! ANYONE GOT A TAMPON?!
((Scene
fifteen: Nuriko is darting around from racks of clothing to behind corners in
aisles. People stare at him.))
Nuriko:
Dum-dum-duh-nuh-nuh… Dum-dum-duh-nuh-nuh… (to Mission Impossible theme)
doo-doo-doooo, doo-doo-dooo, doo-doo-doo--- duh-nuh! (darts around with an evil
grin)
Employee:
Excuse me, but what do you think you're doing?
Nuriko:
(looks up in horror) (pushes up sleeve to reveal a watch) Abort mission! I
said, abort! Abort! (into the watch)
Employee:
I'm sorry, but I think I have another call in aisle 7…
((Scene
sixteen: Kiyara and Mitsukake snicker as they've tracked down where Lanen is in
the store. A yellow sticky note is on
the floor in the center of the empty window treatment aisle. Lanen looks down at it curiously.))
Lanen:
(quoting the note) "We have your Dr. Pepper and Mini Muffins. I am also holding your inside joke, the
"sodafish", hostage. You will never see
your older sketchbooks or your pet cockatiel unless you stop immediately. Give it up if you ever want them again!"
(cries) BUT "I RAPE SODAFISH"*! (sniffles)
((Mitsukake
turns an odd shade of green and turned to Kiyara who grinned mischiefly.))
Mitsukake:
(whispering to Kiyara) You're sure this'll work?
Kiyara:
(whispers back) Positive…
Lanen:
(still whimpering) MY SUGAR! MY CAFFIENE! ALL RIGHT! I call it off… I'll call
them all back… (cries) I didn't want to hurt anyone… I just hoped we could all
have fun running a muck at WalMart. No
harm. I surrender myself. I'm sorry. (screams) ALL SEISHI (and
Miko) REPORT TO AISLE 2! Please… please… my bird… my baby birdie… my
sketches… my life…
((By
now, Kiyara's face is turning red from all of the laughter she's
containing. Mitsukake frowns, knowing
it was wrong.))
Lanen:
(wipes tears from eyes as all 10 assemble before her) I'm sorry everyone, but
you're going to have to go back. I'll
send the tape of whatever was recorded here to you. Miaka'll show you it before you return to the other world. You'd like it. But unfortunately, I have to stop. I was only trying to have fun, but someone took it too seriously. Sorry.
Tasuki:
What the fuck are you talking about?
Lanen:
I have a ransom note. I have to
stop.
Tasuki:
I meant about fun. That was s'posed to
be fuckin' fun!?
Lanen:
But weren't the reactions humorous…? You'd see in the video…
((Suddenly
giggles are erupting from behind the blinds in this aisle. Lanen raises an eyebrow as Kiyara stumbles
out.))
Lanen:
What's so funny, baka?
Kiyara:
(in between laughter) I….. (laugh) made (giggles) the ransom note! (continues
laughing)
Lanen:
I could kill you… KIYARA! (attempts gagging her) (fails and sighs hopelessly)
And it's too late because I ended the fic…
Kiyara:
Hahaha…
Lanen:
Let's go to Electronics and pop in into a VCR. (takes out the recorded tape of
the happenings)
((Scene
seventeen: All are in the electronic department, watching the video and
laughing.)
Lanen:
Toldja it was funny!
*Biggest
misinterpretation of the century. I was
with my friends Kiyara and Liave and I said, "Let's go downstairs!" Kiyara thought I said, "I rape sodafish"…
Liave broke out in giggles…
Things to do at WalMart
By: Lanen