Moving On, Moving Forward

by xxIAmTheSkyxx

Weakness, abandonment, disease. Those misfortunes combined would normally had completely broken me if it hadn't been for my brother, who stayed by my side through all of it. He would stay, despite knowing that neither of us would like the ending. Rated T for language, implied violence, and sensitive subjects. Book 4 of the Brotherhood Chronicles series; prequel to Book 1.

Here it is at last, you guys. For those of you who wanted to learn more about Roxas's (and by extension Ven's) history from Lies Upon Lies, you finally got it. There will be some repeating portions from LUL, given that this is a backstory. Before you read, please know that I don't mean to offend anyone with this piece. Also, you'll probably find quite a few mistakes since this is a pretty long story, and I really can't afford the time to get rid of all of them – not to mention I don't want any potential betas to suffer through this monster, either.

Please enjoy.

Moving On, Moving Forward

The Fight started again.

I didn't know how often this happened, exactly. I just started taking it for granted by the time I was ten years old. The Fights woke me from sleep every morning, and they lulled me to sleep at night. It was perpetual, a never-ending cycle of anger with cursing and shouting, objects being thrown, things breaking. It was a part of my life that I had to learn to get used to because I knew that it'd never stop. Leaving the house was the only way to get away from it, but I didn't do that, because I couldn't.

I was sick all the time. And The Fights were always about that very fact.

I had to sit in the middle of it and take it all whenever they noticed me, bringing me into The Fight, and I hated that. I was born weak. That wasn't my fault, and it wasn't anybody's fault, but they cursed and yelled and screamed at each other like one of them was responsible for my sickliness, since taking care of me kept them from pursuing their own goals. I avoided coming into their sights if I could, just so they wouldn't drag me into The Fight, tower over my small figure and point fingers at me throughout the entire episode like I was some wet puppy one of them had rolled in. And most of those times, I didn't even know what they were arguing about since I was too young to understand the strange words they used. I only understood what the words meant when I got slightly older, but I still didn't understand why they kept saying those horrible words.

The only comfort through all this was that I knew I wasn't alone. I had an older twin brother named Ventus, who I always called Ven, and he never left my side. He was always the one who had stuck up for me and defended me, both in and outside the home. He was the perfect big brother in my eyes – he was better built than me, healthier and stronger, my guardian and protector, the source of all my answers. He loved me unconditionally, because that was what big brothers were supposed to do. He was always there for me, through thick and thin.

At school, other kids would tease me because I was scrawny and unable to do anything that the "big kids" could, resent me because my grades were higher than theirs were, and I was always a target for lunch money theft even though I never had any on me, and they'd harass me anyway because they were hungry and couldn't think of anything else to do to pass the time. I had few friends both in and out of school.

Not that I saw them often, anyway – I was usually sick often enough that I couldn't go to school for weeks at a time. But at home, there were The Fights. No matter where I went, I couldn't get away from all the violence. Since I couldn't defend myself, Ven would be the one to stand between them and me, and he got hurt every time. Every…single…time. I always felt guilty because he was getting hurt trying to protect me from the "big kids" and our parents. He could always tell, though – even when I tried to hide it. And he didn't care.

"Don't worry, Roxas," he would say every time. "I'm your big brother. It's my job to protect you!"

Ven was with me right now, holding me close as we huddled on the king-sized bed we shared, as my parents were yelling outside in the living room about me yet again. I scrunched close against Ven's chest and buried my chest in it, trying to block out the shouting from The Fight. I didn't want to listen to what they had to say about me; I didn't want to think about what they were saying. I wished that once I opened my eyes we would be in a better place, a world where there was no fighting or hatred, where I was healthy like Ven was and I could run and jump and climb with the rest of the kids, where my parents loved both of us and each other more than anything else in the world.

But I knew in my gut that that would never happen. When I opened my eyes I would still be huddled next to Ventus on our bed, a fresh wave of tears leaking from my eyes each time our parents' voices got louder and louder, Ven's arms tightening around me every time, with the knowledge that I'd probably never be able to get away from these Fights. I might get used to it, but that didn't mean it wouldn't scar me any less. As I grew up, every one of The Fights that I had to suffer through would haunt me and plague my nightmares until I died.

A voice suddenly exploded in volume – our father's – causing my heart to clench in fear and Ven's arms to pull me closer to him, as if he were acting as my shield. This time, I couldn't block out the words no matter what I tried.

"I COULDN'T GIVE TWO FUCKS ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK!" he roared, his voice rattling the door to our room. "MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T DRUNK THAT SHIT THEN HE WOULDN'T HAVE TURNED OUT THAT WAY, YOU FUCKING BITCH! WE COULD'VE BEEN OUT THERE ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING!"

Thankfully, my mother's response wasn't as loud so I could block out her response to his rage. At that moment I wanted to bawl until I ran out of tears, but I didn't want to get Ven's shirt wetter than it was already. Also, I couldn't find it in me to let out the crying – I was just too terrified; it couldn't get any worse. The sobs got stuck somewhere between my chest and throat and it hurt like someone was pressing huge bricks against them. Ventus rubbed my back comfortingly as The Fight continued outside our walls.

"It's okay, Roxas," he said through their shouting. "They'll stop soon."

I could barely talk since my throat hurt so much from the pressure, but I managed to reply, "I'm sorry, Ven…th-they always fight because…because I'm sick all the time…I'm sorry…"

"It's okay," he repeated, his voice soothing. "It's not your fault."

"B-but…"

"No, no buts! And besides, I don't mind. I'm your big brother, remember!" Ven patted my head with his other hand, and I could imagine him smiling in spite of what was going on outside. "Don't worry about me. You need to focus on getting better! That way we can finally play together a lot more, and Mom and Dad will finally stop fighting."

My eyes welled up with even more tears now. I felt so bad making him suffer with me through all the abuse, even though he had absolutely nothing to do with it and didn't need to be involved at all. He was the perfect son for my parents – a child prodigy, a child they could count on succeeding and be proud of. There was absolutely no reason for Ven to suffer with me.

But he did anyway. And at times like this, I felt like the luckiest little brother in the world, to have an older sibling that I could rely on for friendship and support when I couldn't find them anywhere else. I wanted to tell him thank you and how much all this meant to me so badly, but I thought that saying it out loud would ruin that intimate feeling. So I kept my thanks in silence.

We sat this way for a really long time. I had no idea how much time had passed, but eventually the yelling stopped – it was so sudden that we were both surprised. We stared at the door fearfully, wondering if one of them was going to suddenly open it and come in. Their arguments had never stopped this abruptly before, and I was afraid of what that could possibly mean.

The door eventually did open, and both of our parents were standing in the doorway. Their skin was shining with sweat and their hair and clothes were messed up. My chest tightened again at their expressions – they both looked really upset about something. But they weren't looking at me – they were staring at Ven.

"Ventus, honey," our mom said flatly. "We need to talk about something. Come here."

Ven tightened his hold around me. "No," he said stubbornly. "I won't!"

"I said, come here," she repeated harshly. Her eyes glinted dangerously. I didn't want to get Ven into any trouble, so I pulled away from him.

"She wants to talk to you, Ven," I said quietly, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. "I'll be okay. Go talk to her."

He looked conflicted, but then he eventually slid off our bed and left through the door at my urging. He and my mom went out of sight first, and my dad closed the door behind them without sparing me a glance, leaving me alone in the dark room.

I felt horribly isolated now. Without Ven here to hold me, I felt completely disconnected from everyone and everything. I wanted to let out the tears, and several managed to escape. I felt the drops tickling my cheeks as they flowed down. But the torrent of anguish that I knew was inside me somewhere refused to come out completely. Silly as it was, I was angry at it. I wanted to cry, but it wouldn't let me release it. Even my own emotions wouldn't listen to me.

I curled myself into a ball against the head of our bed, hugging my legs against my chest and resting my head on my knees as more tears escaped. But the bucket of sorrow and guilt I was holding inside still wouldn't let me empty it. I felt small and vulnerable without Ven's protection, as insignificant as the flies outside our window.

Ven had told me in the past that those bugs were called mayflies, because they only lived for one day as an adult to lay eggs before dying. Ever since then, I read everything I could about them, wanting to know as much about them as possible. Why did they spend so much of their lives as babies? Why were they adults only long enough to lay eggs before they died? It felt like such a waste of life to me, only getting to experience the world as an adult for one day (or even only a few minutes in some cases), and then to simply lay eggs. They couldn't even eat, since they had no mouths. They just died that way; they just mated and died. Why did God create an animal like that? I didn't know.

I looked up and stared at the door. They were taking a really long time. What could they be talking about to keep Ven away from me for so long? Fear trickled down my spine again, and though I knew I really shouldn't and I really didn't want to, I left my bed and walked up to the door. I grasped the doorknob with shaking fingers, and turned it, pulling the door open wide enough to peek at what was going on outside.

"I'm not going with you!" Ven was shouting at our mom. "You can't make me! I don't care what you say; I'm staying with Roxas!"

"Think about what you're saying, young man!" she snapped. "You're just wasting your talent! This is the only chance you'll ever have of succeeding without him dragging you down!"

"I said I don't care!" Ven shot back. "I don't want to succeed for you or Dad! I want to succeed for me and Roxas! You can go if you want, 'cause I'm not abandoning him! There's no way I'm going anywhere with people like you! I'm not calling you my parents anymore. Parents don't leave any of their kids behind to live by themselves and they're supposed to love all of them the same! You obviously don't, so you're not my parents! You're not anybody's parents! Roxas is my only family now!"

I quickly pushed the door closed and stood that way, paralyzed in horror by what I'd just heard. Mom and Dad were planning on leaving me behind? Just leaving me here to fend for myself? And they'd planned to take Ven with them, too? My head spun so violently I thought I was going to be sick. Now I understood the extent of their resentment. They wanted to abandon me. Taking care of me was too much work for them. I really didn't know how to take that – I was too shocked to feel anything else. I was all jumbled up inside at that knowledge.

But even after hearing all that…I'd also heard Ven declare that he wouldn't be going with them if it meant abandoning me. He had a chance to make it big; he definitely had the talent to succeed in whatever he did. And Ven had just tossed that chance away like it was nothing to him because he didn't want to abandon me. I felt guiltier now than I'd ever been before.

More than anything else though…I felt happy. I now knew for sure that there was someone out there who really loved me. I would never be alone. At that moment I didn't care that my parents were insinuating abandonment, because at least Ventus would be with me.

My hand slipped off the doorknob when I heard approaching footsteps, and I backed away so the door wouldn't hit me when it opened. After a moment Ven burst through our door with a defiant expression on his face as he slammed it closed behind him. When he noticed me standing in front of him, the expression melted off his face to reveal the surprise underneath.

"Roxas…" There was unmistakable nervousness in his tone.

I felt a stray tear streak down my face. I couldn't trust myself to say anything.

"Did…" Ven swallowed. "Did you hear all that?"

I still couldn't answer him. I just nodded. He stared down at his feet, guilt burning in his eyes, and I didn't understand why he looked that way. Why did he look like that? Why was he the one who felt guilty? When did the roles suddenly reverse?

Ventus still wouldn't look at me, like he was afraid. "I'm…I'm sorry, Roxas," he muttered. "They're leaving…and they're not gonna come back. I'm sorry…"

I didn't let him finish. Before I realized what I was doing I rushed to him and wrapped my arms around him tightly, as if I'd never let go. It was impossible to tell who was more surprised. But I got over it quickly. I didn't care anymore.

I felt Ven's hands brush my back gently. "R-Roxas?" he stammered. "What…"

I didn't hear the rest. The bucket of tears inside had finally decided to let me have my way with it. I cried long and hard over Ven's shoulder, not wanting to stop until my eyes were emptied of its tears and I couldn't cry anymore. I let out all my fears and insecurities, all my happiness and gratitude, all at once with this torrent of tears. I wasn't going to stop crying for a long time, but that was okay.

Because I knew that I had the best big brother in the world.

---

Seventeen years old.

That was an age that I never thought I'd live to see. On top of being forced to fend for ourselves with no family and constantly having to deal with my poor health, I didn't think for a second that I'd ever make it this far. It was probably one of the happiest events of my life, and it never would have been made possible without Ven's support.

Even as a teenager, I still had to lean on him for support at several points, my health being the primary issue. When it came to school, I couldn't always attend all of my classes, and I had to have Ven pick up any notes or assignments for me whenever I missed one. He really didn't need to go out of his way to do that, since I could always make up the points somehow, but he said that he wanted my education to be as consistent as possible. He was already pushed to the limit by his own classes, but he always managed to find some time to help me catch up. He also forsook his chances of being involved in the community of the school – I could easily see him as the student body president and the leader of more than one of our huge number of clubs – to open up more time for me. He even took care of both of our college and scholarship application processes even though I'd been perfectly capable of doing them myself, mainly because he wanted to get me into a school that would be able to care for me if we so happened to end up in different colleges. Overprotective, maybe, but I really couldn't thank him enough for that.

It went on like that for pretty much most of our school days. And honestly, this stuff couldn't be kept secret in a school like ours. So pretty much everyone in the school knew what was going on with me, even the principal. He'd tried to get me to agree to a more lenient system, but I didn't want to waste the efforts Ven was putting in for me to have a normal education like everyone else so I declined each time. The students at this school were pretty understanding too (Ventus and I hitchhiked all over the place before settling in this area for the time being) so I didn't have to worry too much about bullying issues. We even made a good number of friends here, and I felt pretty comfortable with most of them.

…Now, when I said most, I meant all of them except one. There was one guy I never really felt comfortable around, and I couldn't explain to myself why.

His name was Sora Reyes. He was around our age, and Ven met him in his Chemistry class when he'd suddenly transferred in near the end of sophomore year. And let me get this straight – there was virtually no reason for me to be adverse to his presence. There really wasn't. I've tried to ignore that feeling so many times, thinking I was just imagining things, but I felt the same way each and every time he was around me.

Sora was, in any way you look at it, a normal guy. He wasn't known as a troublemaker (other than his propensity for swearing), his grades were decent, and he was one heck of an athlete – he had the best physical records overall of anyone in the entire school, beating out all the older students in a matter of months. I had no idea how he stayed so fit all the time, since he wasn't exactly the healthiest eater in the world, but that's the way it was. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was absent quite frequently for no good reason – he'd just vanish for a couple days and up to a month on some occasions before reappearing with no explanation to where he'd been. His excuse was always, "I had somewhere to be. Don't sweat the details."

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought that was pretty unusual. Also – and I wasn't sure if it was just me that noticed it or not – but every time he came back to school, he looked more and more haggard. He had a blank stare sometimes, like shell shock – as if he'd just been on the front lines of a battle and watched a bunch of people being mowed down with guns. That kind of thing would stupefy anybody. I had no idea what he was doing to make himself look that way, though.

Not to mention, his apathy – possibly even attraction – to violence was pretty unnerving, too. Whenever we'd watch video clips of battle scenes in our history class where they showed videos of decapitated/amputated soldiers, he'd maintain a completely indifferent expression while the rest of us cringed in disgust.

Though sometimes when he thought no one was looking, that blank stare came back again.

But the genuine fear didn't come until a week after Graduation Day, and it hardly abated the day after that, either.

One time when he, Ven, and I were walking to a park, we passed an alley where we saw two guys were physically accosting each other with bats and beer bottles. I wanted to pass them discreetly so we wouldn't be involved, but not Sora. Do you want to know what he did? Here's what happened:

He pulled us both to a stop right in front of the alley and said, "Hold on."

Ven gave him a weird look that questioned his sanity and hissed, "What, are you crazy? They'll notice us!"

"I want to see who wins this fight." Sora observed them minutely, like he was taking detailed mental notes on every move the two guys made. "Let's watch."

Yes, I kid you not – he wanted to stay there in plain sight of the thugs and watch them beat each other to a bloody pulp as if it were just some interesting tennis match. The thought made me (quite literally) nauseous, and Ven, who'd developed an eye for noticing when I was feeling less than great, disagreed. "Let's not," he said flatly. He pulled me away from the alley and took shelter behind the next building. Sora stayed behind and watched attentively. He looked so serious and focused on the brawl, what with his eyes narrowed and his arms crossed, and I was afraid that he was thinking about actually joining in on the fight.

Which was exactly what proceeded to happen about a minute later. To Sora's credit, he wasn't the one who jumped in. One of the guys had apparently caught his eye, because I heard a gruff voice say, "The fuck're you lookin' at?" from around the corner. There was a dangerous edge to his voice, and we both noticed it. When Sora turned in our direction and Ven motioned at him to get away from there, he simply grinned like, Don't worry; I got this and turned back to the one who had addressed him, completely nonchalant.

"Oh, nothing; really," Sora said easily. "Don't mind me. I was just watching." He unfolded his arms and waved at him to proceed. "Go ahead. I don't want any trouble, so I'll be real quiet. Just pretend I'm not here."

He's out of his mind, I thought wildly. Stop talking to them, Sora; get out of there!

That didn't placate the thug in the slightest. He advanced on Sora and caught him up by the collar. The guy must've been his late twenties at the youngest, and another, slightly younger guy (who I presumed was the one he'd been fighting) also loomed over Sora's thin frame. Thankfully they didn't notice me or Ven, but I was still deathly afraid of what might happen next here – there was no way Sora was going to get away unscathed out of this encounter. No way in hell.

"Oh my God," Ven muttered under his breath in horror. "He's dead. He's so fucking dead."

If Ven was actually resorting to using curse words, I knew it was going to be bad. Ven and I stepped back until we were a safe distance away from the three and continued to watch in horrified fascination.

"Hey, I said that I didn't want any trouble," I heard Sora say, his voice bouncing off the walls surrounding us. "Let me go, please."

Seriously, who did Sora think he was talking to, a couple of five-year-olds? Where did he get the nerve to talk to people like them like that? He didn't sound concerned for himself at all!

"We'll teach you to mock us in our turf, you little smartass," the younger one warned him menacingly, cracking his knuckles. If he was trying to intimidate Sora, it didn't work. Sora just sighed and pushed away his captor's hands, freeing himself. The older one just stared at him in disbelief as if he couldn't believe that Sora had just blown him off.

"Seriously, I said I didn't want any trouble," Sora said in a put-upon tone. "There's enough of that nowadays, anyway. Besides, I wasn't even bothering you."

"Why you son of a –" The big guy wound up a fist to punch Sora in the face, but it didn't connect when he let it fly – Sora had stopped him with his bare hand. What was even more flooring was that he simply looked slightly irritated at that.

"Oh, so that's how you wanna play, huh? Even though I tried playing nice?" His own voice started to take on a threatening cast, and it disturbed me more than anything else I'd witnessed before. "Fine. If that's how you want it, I guess we can change up the game a little. Let me have the honor of leading you…to your fucking maker."

He then grabbed the guy's arm with his other hand without warning, twisted his entire body around, and tossed him back into that alley like he'd weighed nothing more than a rag doll, the man yelling the whole way. I heard a loud thud from the body landing on the ground somewhere behind those walls. The big guy's crony just stood there in utter shock, staring at Sora with what I assumed to be complete horror since I couldn't tell what his expression was from this distance. I saw Sora turn his head in his direction, and Thug Number Two visibly flinched.

"Oh, sorry," Sora apologized in a falsely sympathetic tone. "Are you feeling left out? Let me fix that for you."

Sora proceeded to tackle him into the same alley, completely leaving our view. The noise that followed from the chaos consisting of yells and objects breaking made me want to claw at my ears. My heart was throbbing painfully the whole time – from fear or shock, I didn't know. Ven looked every bit as shocked as I was, though it seemed like it was more out of admiration than fear, which was justified – he was used to fighting people; he was just listening to someone better at that than him at work.

Though I had no idea how he could overlook the fact that Sora had seemed to not take this encounter seriously at all until he'd been provoked– and even then only seemed to regard it as a mild disruption.

After what seemed like an eternity, the noises coming from the alley quieted down. Dread clutching at my heart, I dashed toward it without giving any thought to what I was doing, completely ignoring Ven's protests. When I finally reached the alley, my breath caught at what I laid my eyes on.

The second guy was on the ground, beaten to a bloody pulp and unconscious. His clothes were stained with dirt, gravel, and blood. Sora, a bit dirty and scratched up himself but completely unhurt otherwise, was using his bloody hands to Number One to the wall by the collar, who was also looking really beat up. His left eye was swollen shut and he was bleeding from the mouth.

And Sora was looking at him like he was just finished chastising a naughty child. "See, that's what happens when you don't play by the rules," he said, his voice low and full of reproach. "You get screwed over. You and everyone around you." He then let him go and dropped him to the rough ground.

"Sora…?" I asked hesitantly, almost fearfully.

Sora started and looked up at me at the sound of my voice. His expression at the sight of mine seemed more like embarrassment than guilt or horror, like it should've been. "Oh, hey…sorry about that. Guess I should've listened to you guys from the start, huh?"

I couldn't bring myself to say Yeah, you should have even though I knew he was waiting to hear it. I thought I knew violence before, but this…this just bordered on manslaughter. I didn't want to imply the wrong thing and be on the receiving end of his wrath. So I kept quiet.

"Well, anyway; tell Ven that I won't be going to the park with you guys today," Sora said, staring at his bloodstained clothes. "I got a bit dirty in that scuffle so I need to clean myself up."

That was just a scuffle to him?! I thought incredulously.

"Also…now that you've seen this, I've got to talk to you about something important tomorrow at the Grad party, just you and me. I know you're still upset about the stink bomb thing, but still…try your best to show up. Okay? I just have this feeling…that you should know the truth."

He stared me straight in the eyes. His expression was calm enough, but his eyes were screaming for help. I couldn't figure out why. Even his words sounded subtly desperate and scared. As terrified as I was of him at this point, I couldn't say no to a plea like that. It wouldn't be right. I just nodded wordlessly.

By the time Ven got over his shock and managed to catch up with me, Sora was long gone. He'd scaled the back wall as easily as an acrobat and disappeared from sight.

"Roxas?" Ven asked me in confusion. "What happened? Where'd Sora go?"

"He…" I cleared my throat. "He left. He said he can't make it to the park today. He told me to let you know."

"Oh…" Ven stared at the two unconscious thugs. "Well, I guess after that he'd need to get a bit of R&R. I just hope he can show up for the Grad party tomorrow."

"Y-yeah." I decided to not tell him what Sora had looked like after the fight. I just had the gut feeling that he didn't want Ven to know that either, judging from his countenance earlier. "Me too."

Ven clapped me on the shoulder and pulled me in the direction we came, heading back out to the open streets. "Let's just head back for today then. It's been pretty crazy, huh? You're probably really tired right about now."

You have no idea, I thought to myself.

---

The next day was just as disturbing as the previous one – maybe even more.

The party our school held for the graduates was held in the evening, out on the extremely expansive football field we had on campus. There were food trucks, game trucks, jump houses, custom souvenir booths, and so on. There was something here for everyone to do, but I wouldn't have the opportunity to enjoy any of them. I had an appointment to keep, after all.

Sora and I met at the far end of the field, where we were out of earshot from potential eavesdroppers. I noticed that Sora was dressed for travel – a black and collared leather jacket, khaki cargo pants, and laced-up army boots. Why he'd chosen to don such an outfit today was beyond me. Most of what he did was.

"So…what did you want to talk about?" I asked nervously as he leaned against the wired fence that surrounded the campus, his arms crossed. He didn't normally grant me a private audience so I was understandably uneasy.

Sora ignored my question for a couple heartbeats, staring out at the other graduates on the field enjoying their final get-together. He was wearing a strangely bitter expression as he watched them.

"Those lucky bastards." His words held the same bitterness as his expression.

I blinked. "What?"

"Remember what happened yesterday?" Sora asked me, his eyes hard. "Remember that fight that never had to start in the first place? I'm losing all hope for humanity thanks to moronic bastards like them. Those idiots should be glad I spared their worthless asses."

It took me a minute to process. "Hold on – you were seriously going to –?"

"They didn't deserve anything less!" he snapped, his voice filled with venom as he whipped his head around to face me in anger. "I'm serious. While I was hanging out with you and Ven, I thought that maybe this world wouldn't cave in on itself. There was a small light of hope that I was holding inside, but that retarded fight yesterday killed that light. If you hadn't seen me when you did, I probably would've finished the job."

I couldn't speak. He'd actually been intending to kill those two guys? For what, because they had killed whatever hope he'd left for the world? What kind of reason was that?

Sora exhaled sharply as he flicked his gaze to the ground. "Guess they were right. These people really are beyond saving. Their pathetic souls are all going to burn in the fiery brimstones of Hell eventually." He looked up at me again with an oddly pleading expression. "Do you get what I'm saying here, Roxas? These guys had the freedom to choose what to do with themselves and they chose the wide road to damnation with no hope of redemption." To my astonishment he started tearing up, and as he tightened his fingers around his arms, his next words came out hoarse. "What the fuck is wrong with all these people, Roxas? I'm trapped in a cage trying to break free, and these guys – they're already free to roam the world, but they're basically waltzing through the doors of a jail they'll never be able to escape from. Why do people always throw away these chances like they've got more to spare? Why do they freely sell their souls to the Devil himself when they have the privilege to choose what direction they want to go?" His voice caught briefly. "All these people are stupid and hopeless, every last one of them! Why do we have to live in a world like this?! When I watch them, I just don't want to live on this fucking planet anymore!" He punctuated his last line with a punch against the fence he was leaning on, causing the entire length of it to shake. By this point Sora was sounding breathless, and my fear had escalated into panic.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" I stammered, terrified (though I wasn't sure where it was coming from). "Sora, you're scaring me."

He raised his head to stare out at the field again, though his gaze seemed so much farther away than that. "Every one of the kids out there…they've all got a bright future. It's probably one of the most precious things to ever have, but it's one of those things that most people just take for granted. They have no idea how fortunate they are. I'll never have a future like them…and neither will he…"

"What are you saying?" I protested. "Of course you have a future! And…and whoever 'he' is, I'm sure that he does, too!"

I saw a faint glimmer of hope in Sora's eyes, but it died out so quickly I wasn't sure if I'd actually seen it. He forced a grin, but to me it looked empty.

"Roxas," he began, "you really are different from everyone else. Even your brother. It almost makes me wish I never asked to talk to you. I didn't think that you'd respond this way."

"What way?"

Sora shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. With sympathy, faultlessness, kindness. All other words describing purity in ways I can't begin to understand. You…honestly, out of all the people I've met, I've never hated anyone more than you."

"You…what?" Sora was making less and less sense by the minute, but those unexpected words cut through me like a knife. "You've hated me this whole time? Why? Did I do something wrong in your eyes?"

"No. That's exactly why I hated you. And I guess," he admitted reluctantly, "I still kind of do, sometimes."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted desperately. "You hated – I mean, hate me because…I never did anything wrong?" I shook my head in denial. "Where did you get that idea? There are so many things that I wish I never did."

"Like I said," Sora repeated, staring at the ever-reddening sky as twilight approached, "that's exactly one of the reasons I hate you so much. You know when you do something wrong, and you freely admit it. More than anyone I've ever seen. I can't do even that, because I can't tell the difference."

"But that makes no sense! Everyone has a conscience! Even you!"

"If I do, then it's being guided by something else other than me." He pushed himself off the fence and gave me a pleading yet firm look. "Don't tell anyone about what I just told you. Especially to Ven, because he doesn't deserve to hear any of this…not yet anyway. He…he's a good guy, and I want him to stay that way until the right time. Lie to him if you have to – just keep it from him until then."

I tried to stop him from leaving by spitting out a question, which wasn't hard – my head had never been so full of them before. Sora's words were so cryptic I was getting a headache trying to comprehend it all. "Wait, why do I have to lie to him? And…and why'd you tell me all this instead of him?"

He paused in his tracks. "Because unlike me, you have a free conscience, and you're free to choose according to that conscience. And unlike him, you understand people like it's second-nature to you. So I know you'll make the right decisions for my sake even though I know you hate me, too. It's in your nature." I flinched. He'd noticed my revulsion to him? Since when? "That's my final favor of you."

"Final favor?" I repeated in shock. His tone held a ring of finality to it, and didn't understand. "Sora, hold on– are you planning on leaving again?"

He chuckled without humor. "Something like that. And I'll be gone for a while this time." He started walking again in the direction of the back gate.

"What about Ven?" I blurted out without thinking. "You can't leave without telling him! At least tell him bye before you go!"

Sora waved that aside as he kept walking. "Think I'll pass. I've already got enough goodbyes to deal with. I don't want another one dragging me down. Saying goodbye to him would be pointless anyway." He turned his head enough so that I could see him grinning. "Besides, he's like the older brother that I once had born to someone else. You're probably the luckiest bastard I know."

He faced forward again and raised a hand to say farewell before I could answer. "Goodbye, Rox," he said. "Try spreading your wings and soaring. If I end up going where you're headed and we happen to meet there, let me know what that was like."

He vanished outside the gate before I could ask him what he meant, and that was that. I never saw him again. My last impression of him was of a raven that had been startled into flight. I watched it fly off in the opposite direction as my thoughts took another turn.

After that conversation, I felt as if I'd forged some sort of connection with Sora. I finally understood why I'd felt so uneasy around him. He told me that he was trapped in a cage, unable to escape. I sort of understood that. My debilitating health had certainly felt that way to me at many points. I didn't know what exactly he was going through, but it must've been something I couldn't comprehend, because what could possibly make someone completely indifferent and unfeeling to violence of any sort? What could have caused his twisted view on human life? I certainly didn't know.

The only qualm I had from that encounter was that I would have to lie to Ven about what Sora had just said to me every time he was brought up just to keep all this a secret. I felt bad now that I'd said so many awful things about him a couple days before the alley incident. I would have to say some more unkind things about him to Ven now, and that very thought made my stomach tie in a knot.

I would never get to tell him the truth.

---

The past couple weeks I'd been feeling horrible. I was constantly tired and feverish, and I hardly ever left bed. I was coughing a lot too – a lot more than I usually did. Pains in my chest made it difficult for me to breathe, not to mention it was absolute torture when I coughed (which was, like I said, frequent) and the fevers left my brain feeling like mush since I could barely think with the fiery heat overtaking my senses.

Ven nearly broke his back taking care of me during those weeks. He was concerned that it could be the flu, or pneumonia, or maybe something worse induced by the stress I'd had to deal with in quick succession recently – and he couldn't take me to a doctor to check. He was way too busy with working at part-time summer jobs to support the both of us and consumed with doubt that doctors might misdiagnose me. He was also terrified of moving me around when I could barely stand; that was also a factor. I guessed that he was just too used to taking care of me alone to go looking for help. The medicine he gave me only alleviated the pain temporarily; it didn't purge me of it. It was like living in a daydream, a constant haze. I couldn't even keep track of the days.

Despite Ven's initial refusal to take me to a doctor (which was probably the only sensible thing to do by this point that he didn't do) I eventually got him to do it anyway – just not in the way I'd expected.

It started with the coughing. They had been bad enough already, but one morning I woke up to a coughing fit so bad my chest felt like it was ripping apart from the inside the whole time. I tried to catch my breath, but I felt like I was suffocating – not made any easier by the violent fit of coughing. I couldn't get enough oxygen, and I started to feel dizzy. My surroundings were obscured by spots dancing in my vision, and the fever I was already trying to endure made it practically nauseating for me to try and regain my bearings.

Through all this, I only managed to think, This…can't be good…

Ven came bursting into my room then, probably woken up from my nonstop coughing and choking. Or at least, I thought it was him, because someone grabbed me by the shoulders. My ears were buzzing, so I could barely hear anything else.

"Roxas!" he cried, tightening his grip on my shoulders. His voice sounded so hollow and distant; I couldn't focus on it. "Roxas, stay with me! What's going on?!"

I wanted to answer him so badly, but the coughs wouldn't stop long enough for me to get the chance. His vice-like grip on my shoulders was probably the only thing keeping me conscious, because if it weren't for that I would've been knocked out a long time ago, suffocating on my saliva.

After what seemed like an eternity, my lungs decided to give me a brief window of relief. I lifted my hand away from my mouth, my breathing ragged. My entire palm was bright red. Why was it red? That wasn't the color it was supposed to be.

"Oh my God," I heard Ven say in denial through the buzzing. "Oh my God, no…no this can't be happening! Not now! Not today!" He shook me once. "Roxas, what's wrong? You've got to tell me!" Ven sounded so panicked. I didn't understand why. What was so important about today? I turned my eyes to look at him. He looked so scared, and his face was wet. My thoughts were too murky for me to comprehend what I was seeing, though. He looks scared. His face is wet. I saw it. But I couldn't find the will to attach any thoughts to them.

"Ven…" My throat exploded in pain at saying his name, but I kept going. He wanted to know what was wrong. I had to tell him, even if it meant losing my voice. "…m-my chest…"

"Your chest?"

Right then the agony in my chest returned with a vengeance. I cried out involuntarily and grasped my ribs to try and ease the pain. It didn't work. I doubled over, hugging myself, and my vision became even blurrier than before. I heard Ven shout something in his panic, but I couldn't hear him in that brief haze of agony.

At that point I wanted to die. I wanted to escape this pain in any way I could. I wanted to give up and welcome death with open arms. I wanted relief. I even thought about cutting my life short right then and there so I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore.

That was when I heard Ven's voice again.

"Hold on, Roxas!" he assured me breathlessly. "I'll call for help! Just hang on the best you can! I won't leave you; I won't let you die! I promise!"

He sounded so scared, absolutely terrified. He wasn't supposed to lose his cool like this. He wasn't supposed to let the fear show. But it did. It was exposed, so raw and open, and I finally understood that he was desperate to avoid losing me. I could tell that he would do anything – anything – to save my life. All the worry that he'd been harboring inside, away from my sight so that I couldn't see, was finally showing itself. And it only increased the magnitude of said grief.

So there was no way I could give up now. Not after that.

The following hours were a blur to me – the phone call, the words of reassurance as I was carried out, the rumbling of the vehicle, busy voices and noises. I might have blacked out a couple times in that time frame. I wasn't sure. I couldn't remember too well what happened.

But I did remember the light. There was a blinding light above me, and I heard some voices – voices I couldn't recognize that might've been the doctors. Ven's wasn't among them. Where was he? Didn't he say that he'd never leave me?

Where are you, Ven?

The words of the unfamiliar voices blended together and I couldn't understand them. The voices continued as I suddenly felt something thin and sharp poking my arm. A needle. That brief yet sharp pricking sensation piqued my senses just long enough to hear what the doctors were saying before the blackness closed over me.

"It's cancer."

---

They told Ven the news before I could.

When I woke up again, I was in a different room. The door was a dark shade of beige, and the walls were cream-colored. They were adorned with generic picture frames. I was lying on a lumpy bed, my head resting on a pillow that was only half-stuffed, my body propped up so I was sitting up underneath a blanket with the thickness and texture of a tablecloth. I felt something stiff and sticky at the creases of both my elbows, but I didn't have the strength to lift my head to identify it.

I did feel decidedly better; the pain was almost gone, but my chest still ached considerably and I still felt ridiculously drained. My breaths were short and ragged, but I wasn't coughing, so I was thankful for that.

While I was observing my surroundings, I noticed that there was a low bedside table to my left, a small calendar perched on the edge. The page was turned to July, but I still couldn't figure out what day it was, since there weren't any markings on the dates to indicate the passing of the days. I felt so out of the loop.

But feeling out of the loop reminded me that I'd started feeling that way the day before, and remembering the day before only reminded me of what the doctors had said before they put me to sleep.

I had cancer.

I probably should've been upset about that. I mean, no one wants to know that they have cancer; they wouldn't want to accept it. But I was honestly not surprised. All those times when I'd felt exhausted for no good reason, the times I kept coughing, the times my chest hurt – and even more recently, when I'd started coughing up blood – it couldn't have just been the flu or pneumonia like Ven had assumed. From the way my life had gone up until this point, I'd somehow known with absolute certainty that I wouldn't be getting off with something even moderately curable.

That train of thought left me vaguely wondering what sort of cancer I'd contracted. There were so many different strains that I could have been subject to that I couldn't think of them all. The hospital would probably let me know down the line, but I still couldn't help but wonder.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the doorknob click and the door itself opened. At the door stood Ven.

There was a doctor with him, too, but I barely acknowledged him. I focused on Ven like he was the only other person in the room, and he on me. We stared at each other that way even when the doctor left, without saying a word to each other. Ven had a guilty expression on his face again, just like seven years ago. But now we were older, and I understood why he felt that way.

I decided to start up the conversation this time. "Hey, Ven," I said. My voice sounded quiet and a bit higher-pitched than normal, but I disregarded it. "I'm in the hospital again, aren't I?" I knew that, of course. I just had to start the conversation on some kind of note.

His expression didn't change. "Y-yeah. You had another attack so I brought you here as fast as I could." He choked a bit at the last word. I could see in his eyes that the doctor had told him what was wrong with me. He didn't want me to know that. But…

"I know. They told me everything. You don't need to hold anything in, Ven. You don't deserve any more of the burden. I'll share it with you this time."A small grin tugged at my lips at the lie. This was probably one of the few times that I would ever manage to lie to him without feeling bad. The doctors hadn't told me everything. Heck, they probably thought that I didn't know anything yet. But having Ven feeling guilty all over again, even though I knew where it was coming from…that wouldn't be fair. So this lie was necessary.

That wiped the guilt off his face. In its place was shock. "Th-they told you?" he asked me, his eyes wide.

"Yeah." Though they probably don't realize that they did.

At that, he broke. He covered his face with his hands and moaned, "This is all my fault." He sounded as if he was close to crying again. Again, he was trying to hide it. I really wished that he would stop doing that, since I always noticed anyway. It just made things unnecessarily difficult for him. But just because I noticed it didn't mean I wasn't surprised by it.

"Ven," I began, confused. "How could you say something like that? You're the reason I'm here." He could've just as easily never left my side while I was coughing up blood in my bed until I passed out, but he'd gotten up and called the hospital despite the fact that he was absolutely terrified of leaving me alone. How my being in the hospital thanks to him could be a bad thing, I didn't know.

He still wouldn't take his hands off his face. "Exactly. You're here because of me. I landed you on that death bed."His voice cracked. "I just can't stand it; I –"

Here I interrupted him. I knew what he was about to say, but I wasn't going to let him. How could he possibly think that all those years of helping me had been for naught? He should've known better! I'd seen something like this coming from a mile away; it wasn't his fault at all! I couldn't let him think like that. There was no way.

"Now just hold it right there, Ven," I snapped. I ignored that his hands slipped away to show his startled expression, and plowed on. "Don't talk like that! If it hadn't been for you I wouldn't even be here talking to you right now. But since you brought me here I still have some more time. You were there to help me whenever I needed it, so don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that everything you did for me was a waste just because I happen to have cancer."

He was still staring at me with that same expression. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Roxas," he began to say, but he hesitated for a moment before he went on. "You really…"

"Why wouldn't I? There's no way I'll ever forget. For my entire life, you were the only one who ever cared about me. Not even Mom and Dad cared, did they? They left us!" I shook my head and corrected myself in a bitter voice, "No, they left me – I was too much of a burden to them and their ambitions and all that other crap that kept them so distant from us. They wanted to take you because you would help them along, since you were always so much better at doing technical things than I ever was. But you didn't want to go with them, and you stayed." I raised my gaze to meet Ven's. My eyes began to sting, and I didn't stop to wonder why. "I still remember every word you said to them, and I'll be damned if I don't think about it right before I die. Your deciding that you weren't going to abandon me was all I ever asked for. I didn't care about anything else; I didn't even care that Mom and Dad ran off on us." I switched my gaze to the IV hanging over me. "And I've always wanted to tell you…I felt so guilty because I kept you from living life the way you wanted to just to take care of me. But at the same time, I felt like the luckiest person ever." I swallowed down the lump in my throat before continuing. "I still do. You're the reason I'm still here now, right? I owe everything to you, so…thanks."

I didn't know what Ven's reaction to all that was, because I didn't turn back to look at him. And I was far from done.

"I know I don't have much time left," I said, my tone quieter now, "but I'm not going to waste it on a hospital bed for the next three years. And I don't want you to come up and visit me all the time, either. I'll do my best to get strong enough to take care of myself without your help. So you can go on doing what you want to. We can go to separate schools and you won't have to worry about me. You were accepted at Princeton, right?" Ven had always raved to me about how he'd love to go to that school someday. It had practically been a dream come true for him when the acceptance letter arrived at our address. "I know that's a ways away but you know that you could always call in to check up on me. Besides, I don't want you to be stressed about making sure I'm always in good shape." Here I paused for a split second, finally relieved that I was able to say these next words that I had always been too afraid to utter within his earshot: "You deserve to rest for once in your life, Ven."

Only at this point did I finally turn back to face him. Ven's hands were clenched tightly into fists so that his knuckles were white. For a moment his expression looked as fragile as glass. But almost immediately that glass mask broke and Ven finally let loose. He started crying. His tears were pouring with mirth now, like the dam that had been holding all these tears back for so many years had finally broken.

Only, I didn't realize how much of it he'd been holding in until he actually collapsed against my bed under the weight of all this grief. This was so sudden I almost choked trying to catch my breath. I was completely terrified for a minute. Was he okay?

"V-Ven," I stammered, concerned. "Are you –"

"Goddamn it, Roxas…Goddamn it all!" Ven got out through his sobbing. He gasped between words. "Why do you – have to be so – damn nice about everything – I can't stand it – it isn't fair – you're making me really – hate myself – since I always thought – it was always such – a pain in the ass – to take care of you – I thought that it – was a complete waste of my time – but – you had to go and – say something like that – you bastard – I'll never forgive myself – ever – I don't deserve to be – praised like that –"

Through all this, I could tell that Ven had finally and completely lost his composure. He was sobbing and screaming and shaking; his tears were staining my bed sheets, and he looked like he could barely support himself in all senses of the phrase. Watching him, I felt downright awful – mainly because of the fact that – even though Ven had been harboring all this stress inside without letting me or anyone else see, I was the reason he was so unhinged right now. I mean, stuff like this would drive any normal person insane.

I choked back a sob of my own. I was supposed to be good at reading people. What kind of younger brother was I? How could I have completely missed this? I hadn't been able to read him all this time. Ventus, my own brother! The only person that I felt close to, the only person who I'd spent more time with than anyone else through all these years! What was wrong with me?

I sat up slowly. My arms felt like noodles, and the creases of my elbows throbbed painfully from the needles attached to them, but I managed to get up into an upright position without hurting myself. Even through my grunts of pain and jostling the bed, Ven still didn't look up. Without thinking about what I was doing, I pulled Ven into my arms and held him that way.

He stiffened slightly under my grip – he hadn't been expecting me to pull this kind of move. I honestly couldn't say who was more surprised, but I really couldn't care less – and after a moment, neither did Ven. We stayed that way for a little while before I tried reassuring him.

"C'mon, Ven…" My voice shook, but I tried to hold it together. "I don't want to see you like this; it's not like you to cry."

I pulled away from him then, and got a good glimpse of his face. To put it in simple terms, he looked like a complete mess. His eyes were red and swollen, and tears weren't the only fluids running down his face. It was barely noticeable, though, so it didn't really matter.

"Ven, you gotta be strong for me, all right?" I said quietly. "So stop crying."

Ven hastily wiped his face dry with his sleeves. His nose was a bit pink too, but I decided not to point that out.

"Damn it, Roxas," he muttered, his voice hoarse. "You're way too nice…you could at least smack me or something…"

I wasn't sure why, but I found that funny. I chuckled softly (my chest was still aching pretty badly) as I said, "No, not today. I'll let you off since this was the first time. And okay, maybe I am a bit too nice–but seriously, I don't want to see you crying again…it's so awkward."

That did the trick. Ven managed to crack a smile at my words. He raised his head to look at me and promised, "Okay, I won't cry anymore, just because you'll hurt me otherwise." His grin grew somewhat more pronounced, his eyes glinting mischievously. "You happy?"

"Hey, hold up!" I protested. "I never said I would –"

"I was just kidding, Roxas." He sat up properly and extended his hand to shake. "But seriously, I won't cry if it'll upset you. Brothers till the very end, man."

I stared down at his hand in surprise, not having expected this from him. But I got over it quickly and took it. "You bet," I said with a grin.

We stayed that way for a fraction of a second longer before letting go, after which Ven asked me, "So…are you feeling okay?"

I decided that I wouldn't point out that my chest still hurt like crazy, but I couldn't hide my fatigue anymore. I lay back down as carefully as I could before relaxing every one of my muscles.

"I'm fine," I sighed as I stared at the ceiling. "Just tired as all hell."

Immediately Ven was on guard. "Should I leave?" he asked me nervously. "'Cause if you're tired –"

"No," I cut him off before he could finish, feeling panicky. "No, it's okay. Stay here, Ven. Don't go yet."

"Oh – um, okay," he stuttered in surprise. "Okay, I'll stay."

I smiled in relief. "Thanks. Weren't you the one that said you'd never leave me?"

Ven chuckled weakly. "Okay, okay…you got me there."

I turned my head to look at him again. "Ven, is it okay if I ask you something?"

"What?"

"What day is it today?" I asked. It seemed like a fair question – I wasn't asking about anything important really; I just wanted to get my days straight again. So you could imagine the surprise I felt when Ven gave me a sad smile.

"It's Saturday," he said, his voice hoarse as if he was about to cry again. "The last one this month."

I frowned. The last Saturday…

I turned my head to look at the bedside calendar again. My eyes immediately skipped to the last Saturday of the month. My stomach clenched when I saw the date, and I looked back at Ven in shock.

"H-hold on," I said, my words catching. "Is it seriously –?"

He nodded, biting his lip so the sobs wouldn't come out. I almost couldn't breathe. No, this wasn't fair. This wasn't fair! I'd gotten my death sentence on the worst date possible!

Ven rested his hand on mine, and a single tear managed to escape as he whispered gently, "Happy birthday."

---

Another year flew by.

When you've been given a specific window of life left to live, time goes by so ridiculously quick that it's absurd. Not that I could do much about that, but still. At times like this you're aware of just how much time you have left on earth before having to leave forever. It was no different for me, but it was just made worse since Ven and I had gone our separate ways by this point. He had gone all the way to New Jersey to attend university not too long after my diagnosis, and it was rare that we had an opportunity to even speak with each other.

But thankfully, since it was now summer break, we were going to meet up again to celebrate our birthday proper. Ven was coming back to New York to visit, which made me happy – we hadn't seen each other for nearly a year. Not only that, but I was conveniently being released from my third stay at the hospital on the same day Ven would arrive, which I was very much looking forward to – hospital life is really dull. They don't let you do anything.

The only problem was that I had to wait until Ven actually arrived before I could leave. Doctors can get really uptight about everything – especially if it's cancer they're dealing with. They wouldn't let me leave my room for anything, so I had to content myself with watching the cars pass below outside my window, hoping to recognize Ven's. I had already changed into my casual clothes and everything; they just said I had to stay put.

I sighed in exasperation. I was itching to get out of this people trap they called a hospital. I hoped that Ven would arrive soon. We had had a small gathering planned for when I was picked up, but Ven had heard that I'd ended up in the hospital again (stupid fainting spell...) so he'd called it off at the last minute. Maybe that was what was keeping him. I had no idea who he had invited exactly, but I knew that it'd been a lot of people.

I suddenly heard footsteps outside, and I immediately straightened and turned away from the window. I nervously adjusted my Yankees baseball cap as the doorknob turned. Ever since being diagnosed with cancer I'd been subjected to chemotherapy, so in order to stop my hair from falling out in clumps from the powerful drugs, I had shaved my head and kept a baseball cap on whenever I was out in public to hide my baldness from people.

The door opened, and sure enough Ven was standing in the doorway. He was on his phone talking to someone, so he looked kind of distracted when he came in. He was wearing a black leather jacket and khaki-colored jeans like he'd ridden a motorcycle here. All that was missing from the image was a helmet tucked under his arm and sunglasses resting on his forehead. He had the boots, though.

"...yeah, that's the story," he was saying into the phone as he shut the door behind him. He glanced at me and nodded in greeting before saying, "I know you weren't coming in the first place, but really, I appreciate the thoughts...yeah, I'll give him your best wishes, no problem." He glanced at me again momentarily. "Okay, well, I should go; he's waiting for me. Talk later. Yeah, 'bye."

He hung up and stuck his phone into his pocket. "Hey, Roxas. Long time no see." He walked up to me, and we caught each other in a quick hug. Ven seemed a bit more toned than the year before. I wondered what they were making him do down there.

"How are you feeling?" he continued. "Do you feel all right?"

"Never better," I laughed as I pulled away. "You're looking pretty great yourself. How's New Jersey?"

Ven chuckled. "Well, to put it simply, the people down there are pretty different."

"In a good way?"

Ven grinned playfully, but didn't answer my question. "Depends on how you look at it. So anyway, are you ready for a brothers' day out?"

"Yep. Everything is packed and ready to go."

"Great, we can head off now then!" Ven grinned and snatched up my duffel bag. "I've got a great day planned for the both of us!"

"Please tell me that it doesn't involve being pied," I said. He's had a long history with pastry desserts since middle school. Don't ask. You don't want to know.

Ven looked horrified at the very thought. "Of course not! I'm not a jerk, Roxas; there's no way I'd let you do something that dangerous! What if you suffocate from the cream?"

"The cream is the least of my worries," I muttered, scratching my cap.

Ven pondered this as we headed out of my door to the elevator down the hall. "So I guess you don't mind being creamedby me?"

I palmed my face and groaned. "Ven, let me be honest with you here. You absolutely suck at telling jokes. Don't ever do that again."

"No promises."

---

Ven's idea of a great day needed some work.

Seriously, we were nineteen. And he decided that it was a great idea to spend our day at carnival. Granted, we didn't go on any of the rides ("What if you hurt yourself?") but we did play a bunch of games. Ven ran around like he was some sharpshooter – he won first prize at every single shooting booth.

No, I'm not exaggerating. I didn't know what kind of training he was being made to do down there, but it involved guns, apparently. For some reason, that didn't reassure me.

"You're such a show-off," I muttered after he won first prize yet again at the cork rifle booth.

"Hey, I just want to show that I haven't been slacking off down there," Ven said lightly, toting a garbage bag full of giant stuffed animals.

I scoffed under my breath. If I ever heard that Ven was slacking off anywhere, I'd immediately say that there was some kind of mistake. Ven never slacked off. He wasn't the lazy type, thanks to the type of life we had to lead.

"Well, you proved yourself right. Let's go sit down somewhere, okay? I'm thirsty."

"Sure thing," he agreed immediately. "I'm feeling tired, too. Let's find a shady spot."

Yeah, right, I thought. He didn't look exhausted at all. He was probably only saying that because he was worried about me. You really gotta be careful when dealing with cancer, I knew, but seriously – would it kill him to start worrying about himself a bit more? It was July, for Christ's sake, and he had to be losing some steam, even if he wasn't showing it.

We walked to the edge of the carnival grounds, and managed to grab a spot in the shade of a nearby tent set up for the visitors. I sat at the rickety table to hold down the fort while Ven went to grab some drinks from a nearby stand. As I waited, I stared out over the grounds, watching the families pass by, their kids holding toys, balloons, giant lollipops, and plastic water guns. Watching them brought up a feeling of wistfulness that had never been there before. I found myself again wishing that I hadn't been born so weak. Then we would have been a normal family and a normal life, too.

"Got you some water." Ven's voice interrupted my thoughts. I looked up as he set down a giant plastic cup filled to the brim with ice water.

"Thanks," I said as I pulled the cup closer. It was extremely cold to the touch – the cup had no insulation. "Damn, this thing is huge."

"It's a carnival," Ven replied as if that explained everything, sitting down opposite me. "These things are always unnecessarily huge."

"Like your prizes?" I stared pointedly at the giant mound of plushies next to our table.

"Hey, I did ask for the smaller ones, okay?" He downed some of his drink. "They either didn't listen, or this is just their idea of small."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"Are you calling me a liar?"

I flinched without meaning to at hearing that word. Ven noticed it, which surprised me a little bit. Did he learn to become more observant while training?

"Hey, did I say something wrong?" he asked, sounding nervous. "Roxas?"

I shook my head to clear it. "N-no," I said, drawing in a breath slowly. "It's nothing. I'm fine."

Ven still looked unsure, and I cursed silently to myself for letting that reaction slip. He wasn't going to let this go, not by a long shot. The only way past this was through it.

"Ven," I began, and he leaned in attentively, "can I ask you something?"

He nodded. "Sure. Anything."

"I've been meaning to ask you this earlier, but it sort of slipped my mind," I went on. "Who were you talking to on the phone?"

Ven blinked, as if he'd been expecting a heavier question than that. "That's all?" he asked skeptically.

"Just tell me."

He still looked a bit bewildered, but he answered me anyway. "Sora," he said. "I was talking to Sora. Why'd you want to know?"

I was stunned at his reply. Sora? He was still around? I thought he'd left ages ago! Ven had invited him? I could barely process that. I hadn't seen Sora since the Grad party, but he still kept in contact with Ven? Did that mean that he was he avoiding me?

"You invited him to the party?" I asked with a little more shock than I'd meant. "He's still around?"

"Of course he is." Ven looked at me strangely. "What's going on between you two? You don't talk to each other anymore?"

I swallowed. Just great. This was way out of my comfort zone.

Lie to him if you have to, Sora had said. Just keep it from him.

I didn't answer him. I was too busy feeling relieved. God, if Sora had decided to show up at the party had it not been canceled…I didn't know what I would've done. It would have been awkward beyond belief.

"You seem pretty okay with this," Ven observed suddenly. "It's because you don't have to see Sora, isn't it?"

I flinched again. Damn it, how was he doing that? "No – no it's not –"

"Oh, drop it, Roxas," Ventus sighed, leaning over the table with his forearms. "I already know that you hate Sora. I'm just confused as to why you do. He never did anything to you, did he?"

I almost bit my lip, but I held back at the last minute. No, he hadn't…but by this point, I was kind of wishing he had so I had an excuse for feeling this way. He'd avoided playing pranks on me for some reason (probably by Ven's request), so I had no real argument against Ven – not unless I pulled an example from his list. Sora might not have messed with me all that much, screwing with my mind notwithstanding, but Ven on the other hand…

This was pretty much old hat, but it was all I had. I blurted out, "He dropped a stink bomb on you after graduation!"

Ven blinked a couple times, as if he'd expected me to say something else. Then he put on an expression that said, Seriously? This of all things?

"And why are you the one getting mad about that?" he asked me in a put-upon tone. "You weren't even the one who got stink-bombed."

"I know that!" This was seriously a stupid thing to get worked up over, but it would at least take me to the part of the conversation that I wanted. "But he didn't even apologize! It's been nearly over a year and he still didn't even bother to say he was sorry!" Now was the time to change course. "Not only that – there's just something not right about him. He's always disappeared randomly without warning ever since junior year and never explaining to anyone where he goes off to. I really don't know why you still hang out with him anymore." This wasn't a lie. I honestly didn't. "Seriously. Sora Reyes? He's got absolutely no tact, and…well, he's just weird!"

As soon as I said that, it felt like a huge weight had lifted off my chest. I had finally voiced what I'd thought of Sora this entire time. I hadn't realized how difficult this had been for me until the pressure was gone. Something that ought to have been second-nature for me normally had actually been real torture when it came to Sora – and I had no idea why.

Geez…why did he have to be such a nuisance to me even subconsciously?

Ven's reaction was to cover his face with his hand and say, "And here I thought I was the blunt one" in an irritated voice. I resisted the urge to back away, since I didn't like it when Ven got mad even if it didn't happen all that often, but I knew I had to hold my ground here or else he would see through me. Even though that alone was a challenge.

Thankfully, though, he wasn't mad. Not yet, anyway. "You could be a little more polite, you know," he went on as he lowered his hand to reveal a solemn expression. "I know he acts like an ass sometimes."

I continued to glare at him to get my message across. "Sometimes"? That guy always plays you for a moron!

That wasn't even a lie. Ven was supposed to be a sharp one but Sora always managed to slip under his radar somehow when it came to making him look stupid. I don't even know if that had all been in good fun or not.

"…Okay, okay, most of the time," he amended when he noticed me glowering. "But he doesn't have anyone else. I'm only trying to help him."

I didn't need to pretend to be frustrated here. Ven was always trying to help people – heck, that's why he was training to be a law enforcement agent in the first place. He just didn't know when to draw the line sometimes; that was what irritated me.

"Well, I don't think you should be doing that so directly," I retorted heatedly. "You could tell him to go to a therapist or something. Isn't that the normal thing to do? Besides, it's been almost three years since you knew him but he hasn't changed at all! I know that you of all people can see that."

Yeah, I'll admit one thing – I knew that Sora was strange right from the start. And ever since I'd noticed that, my opinion hadn't changed one bit. Even now what Sora was doing – deliberately avoiding me – made absolutely no sense to me. I think I mentioned this before, too, but I barely knew anything about him, and there was a pretty good chance that Ven didn't really know him, either. Sora obviously had some sort of problem, but he'd never gone into it (though in hindsight that was probably the only normal behavior I'd seen from him). Even though Sora had spoken of his problems at the Grad party – albeit in a very roundabout way – I hadn't understood most of it. As usual.

I noticed Ven wince a little at my words, and that only confirmed my suspicions. Ven had also probably realized that Sora wasn't all that he appeared to be. Or, at the very least, noticed that he was totally weird.

I took this chance to try and hammer it home. "Sora's bad news, Ven; I'll tell you that right now," I continued, unable to keep my anger out of my voice (Goddamnit, Sora; I hate you for making me do this!). "I can almost guarantee that you'll eventually regret staying with that jerk someday, and when that day comes you're going to wish that you'd listened to what I told you!"

"Hey, you shouldn't be going that far," Ven warned me as he shot me his glare. I did my best not to quail under it – that look was enough to silence almost anybody.

And yeah, I knew I shouldn't. I didn't want to. This was Sora's fault; this was all him! And that's the only time I'll ever say that without a bit of remorse. When was this "right time" that you mentioned, Sora? When? Maybe you should've told me sooner so that I wouldn't be feeling like a complete asshole right now!

Way to make me feel like utter crap on my birthday, you jerk.

"I can think what I like about him," I retorted. "I can curse him like the devil's advocate if I want to."

Damn it, the pressure was building up. How much longer could I keep up this façade? I could already tell that this wasn't going to end well. I probably should've taken a sip from my drink before getting into this; I could feel the dehydration getting to me.

"Roxas, you're being completely irrational," Ven said exasperatedly. "What's going on between you two? I know you never liked each other, but for you to –"

"Yeah, I called him a jerk," I cut him off. "And let me be honest, I've always thought that from the start. From the minute I met him, I thought he was completely weird in every way. He constantly messes with people – including you – and he couldn't give a rat's ass about escalating violence. You remember what he did to those thugs back then, don't you? I never had the guts to say this before, but I'll do it now – Sora's a heartless, sadistic, manipulating, and all-out freakish weirdo, and I'm not taking it back!"

That wasn't a lie, either. Well, not completely. Sora had always creeped me out, but I'd always been too afraid of voicing my opinion of him if only to avoid Ven's wrath. Saying all this to Ven's face (not Sora's, since he'd figured all that out somehow) was actually really refreshing, even if I was likely signing my death warrant two years early.

But then again, it probably wasn't Sora's own fault that he acted the way he did. Not unless he had extremely abusive parents or something, which was something neither Ven nor I could really relate to. Our parents may have abandoned us, but they'd never really outright abused us before that.

Also, yelling like that probably hadn't been a very good idea on my part thanks to dehydration and the summer heat (and you know, the whole lung cancer thing), because almost as soon as the last word left my mouth, chest pain kicked in with a vengeance as if to say, Hey, you're not allowed to yell like that no matter how pissed off you are. I'm going to make you rest now. My breaths grew more rapid and short and my vision grew foggy. Damn it…I was passing out again.

"Oh, God," I heard Ven gasp in a panicked tone. "Roxas, don't tell me you're – ah, damn it –"

I could tell through the dimness that he was about to blame himself for this again like he always did, and I wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault I was blacking out. I normally didn't blame anyone for these fainting spells, but this time I actually did have someone to pin the guilt on.

Sora.

---

My eyes snapped open and I woke up with a strangled gasp to a violently aching chest, surprising Ven so much he almost fell off his chair. Normally I would've found that funny, but I wasn't really paying too much attention to his reaction.

"Holy –" he spluttered as he regained his bearings. "What's up with doing that without warning, Roxas? Geez!"

"Wh-what just –" I tried sitting up, but my chest hurt so badly that I decided to give up. "Where –"

"You're in the park's emergency vehicle," he explained to me. "You sort of fainted from all the yelling you did. How are you feeling right now?"

Like complete and utter crap. I decided not to say that out loud. My vision started to clear, and I saw Ven's face hovering above me wearing that same worried expression I'd seen practically my entire life.

That's right, I remembered now. I'd been ranting about how weird I thought Sora was before my lungs decided to protest that exertion by knocking me out. Ven must've then brought me here to the emergency vehicle.

After all that I'd said about his friend, Ven was still by my side. I couldn't take that. Why did he have to be so patient all the time? By now I actually wanted him to get mad – mad at me – but my little outburst had only served to worry him even more. He'd always been slow to anger – a long fuse, but there was a nuclear bomb at the end of it. I'd failed to burn that fuse out, and I'd used up most of my strength in my efforts.

I looked at that expression one last time before turning my head away from him.

A small gasp told me that Ven was shocked by this behavior. "Roxas –"

"Leave," I interrupted quietly. "I want to be alone for a while."

Silence. That shock must've brought him to that – I'd never told him to leave me alone like that before. But I wasn't going to take that back, and I didn't dare turn around to see the expression on his face. I didn't need any more chest pain.

It stayed that way for a minute before Ven regained any sort of bearing. He sounded hurt when he finally said, "Roxas, I –"

"I told you to leave; damn it." I tried to keep my voice from shaking. "Just get out already."

That finally did it. After another second or so of silence, I heard him rise from his seat and say, "…Okay. I'll be right outside if you need me."

I heard footsteps and a door click closed. There was suddenly an empty space in the air that told me that he was gone.

Once I was sure of that, I broke down and silently let the tears flow.

---

What's on your bucket list?

It's probably a weird question to ask, but I'm genuinely curious. I guess it's easier to think of them if you're given a specific window of time to live (mine is fast approaching, so there's that). There can be so many things that you'd regret not doing before your time is up. Wanting to see a certain show, meet a certain somebody, or even just going someplace – you want to take something with you when you go.

I hate to be a sourpuss, but I honestly don't think I really have anything on my bucket list. My life had just been so full of twists and turns that I have no clue what I wanted before I died. Born sick – check. Abandoned by my parents – check. Being forced to live on the run – check. Contract cancer – check. Lose the chance to see the brother that took care of me his entire life by my side as I slipped away –oh Lord; freaking circle and check.

After that somewhat unsatisfying reunion outing with Ven, I got readmitted into the hospital. And I'll confess right now – I was actually kind of glad. That way, I didn't have to deal with the fact that I chased Ven away. Me. I refused all visitors, even him. Seeing him again would only bring in a whole new round of hurt.

But then again, lying in a hospital bed with no one and nothing to distract you isn't all fun and games, either. You're alone, with nothing to do and no one to talk to, and you start having way too much time to think. It was like that for me, only over the course of several months. I did eventually get back to school, though, and I did manage to at least get a degree.

But earning a degree doesn't mean anything when you can't do anything with it once you get it.

That's right. Rushed to the ER literally right after the Graduation ceremony. Definite buzzkill. That's just how it goes with things like cancer.

This time, they'd found a serious malignant tumor in my right lung. They couldn't perform an emergency operation though, because most of the staff was busy with other patients (it was some weird flu strain, I think – I didn't care; I'm just glad I didn't catch it). So they planned on removing it the earliest possible free time – the following day.

And no matter what I could do, I couldn't keep Ven away from me this time. He was right there at my bedside when I came to, and you have no idea how awkward it was for me. I hadn't spoken to or seen him for so many months now, and all of a sudden he showed up right next to me when I woke up. If that wasn't awkward then I don't know what is.

Anyway, this sort of stalemate wasn't sitting well with me, and I knew for sure that – if anything else – Ven was the one who was feeling like he should apologize. I can't tell you how many times I'd wanted to tell him otherwise, but I just never got the chance.

Until today.

I could tell right away from his expression that he wanted to say sorry to me for whatever inconceivable reason he had right now, but I beat him to the punch because it was my fault this time, plus I just wanted to get over this. And this feeling was definitely not unfounded. If you think otherwise, then you haven't been paying any attention.

"Um…" I cleared my throat before going on. "Ven…"

He looked surprised. I didn't blame him; it's been nearly an hour since I'd woken up and said anything.

"Yeah?" Ven had this apprehensive look on his face, like he assumed that I was going to start yelling at him or something. "What's up?"

I almost couldn't get the words out, and I looked down at the pale sheets of the bed I was lying on before I could muster up the courage. "I…I'm sorry." There. I said it. Now all I could do is wait for his reaction.

Ven had that surprised expression again. "You're sorry? What for?"

I knew it; I knew he didn't expect me to apologize. Either that or he didn't know why I was apologizing or what I was actually apologizing for. Probably the latter.

"Well, look at me," I said to change tack at the last minute, gesturing to myself. "I swore that I would take care of myself just fine, but here I am stuck on a hospital bed again. It's total déjà vu."

"So what's your point?" he asks blankly. "It isn't exactly your fault your lungs failed on you."

Damn it; why did he have to make this harder than it needed to be? "I know…but still –"

"Don't sweat it, Roxas," he assured me with a smile. "I'm always doing this kind of thing. It's no problem, honestly."

"And that's the problem," I grumbled. "You've been doing this so often you just write it off like another event in your life without ever really living the way you wanted to."

"Like I said already, it isn't your fault, man. And if you've got something to say," he added with a suspecting glint in his eyes, "then spit it out."

Wait, what? "H-huh?"

"You were never all that good with subtlety," Ven pointed out with a small chuckle. "There's something you want to say, then say it. There's no point in keeping it in, right?"

I tried to not let it show on my face – he got me there. He was clueless when it came to other people, yet spot-on with me. Some things just don't make sense. "It's near impossible to hide things from you," I sighed in an unsatisfied way.

There was a sly twinkle in his eyes. "I wouldn't have made the internship otherwise, you know."

"Ha, ha," I said sardonically. "Let me just tell you then, since there's no point in keeping it to myself."

Ven waved a hand for me to proceed. "Go ahead."

I took a mental deep breath and tried to focus. I'd been thinking about this ever since the day I first woke up in the ER after our birthday, and I just had this nagging feeling – that I needed to tell Ven everything as soon as I could. It was difficult to explain, even to myself, but I just decided to follow my gut. Maybe this was the supposed "right time" that Sora had talked about in what seemed like ages ago.

"Well, what I want to know is," I began, staring up at him imploringly, "when I'm…gone, how are you going to, you know, take care of yourself? You spent way too much time caring for me that I'm seriously concerned." This wasn't a lie; I really was concerned. He spent too much time worrying about me that I wasn't sure if he knew how to take care of himself. Well, I'm sure he did at those times he was off at school, but still. Once I was gone, I was gone. "And I know you're an intern at that police agency, but what if you don't make the cut? You'll have to find another job."

"Don't worry about me," Ventus said in what I could swear was a miffed tone. "It's yourself you should be concerned about. And if I don't make the cut, well then – I guess I could always try again. I'll have to wait for it all to play out before I know for sure."

I nodded, almost subconsciously. "I see…"

Ven raised his eyebrows, like he was confused by my questions (I wouldn't be surprised if that happened to be the case). "Any…particular reason you asked? If you have anything else to say, then you should just tell me right now, since I need to leave soon."

I blanched. Crap. Time was running out; I could almost feel it creeping up on both of us. I had to tell him all I could before I lost the chance, because I felt that I wouldn't have any more after today.

"Okay, then; I'll just tell you straight up," I said quickly, sitting up a little straighter. I could only hope that my hastiness wasn't showing. "I only wanted to tell you one thing. So you don't – you know – since it's a dangerous job and all that – anyway, it's a piece of advice. Just in case you're stuck in a bind."

Ven looked taken aback for a brief second before regaining his bearings. "Um, oh," he said. "Sure. Let's hear it."

I had to go about this advice in a roundabout way so I wouldn't technically be breaking the promise that Sora had practically forced me to make. "Okay," I went on. "Just remember that things aren't always what they appear to be. And don't read into them too much trying to see the truth," I added hurriedly. "You'll be too focused that you won't see the big picture. Sometimes…the answer is right in front of you.

"The answer?" he asked blankly. "To what?"

I could almost hear the advice blowing right over his head. I couldn't deny that I was a little disappointed. I'd expected him to catch on to it a bit sooner than that.

But that was okay. Ven would be able to figure this out eventually; I knew he could. He wasn't called a prodigy for nothing. "I know you, Ven," I told him. I could feel a small grin make itself known on my face. "You'll figure it out soon enough."

Ven crossed his arms while wearing a slightly annoyed expression. "What kind of advice is it when the advisee doesn't understand it?" he shot the question at me, sounding a little exasperated.

"I don't need to be completely straight with you on this one," I said more firmly than I'd ever sounded before. "You'll figure it out. I'm sure of it. Just bear it in mind, okay?"

Ven stared at me for a second then grumbled, "Fine." He unfolded his arms and stood, checking his cell phone. "It's time for me to head off. I'll see you later today. Watch yourself, got it?"

I grinned and gave him a tiny salute. "Yes sir," I said lightly. "I'll say the same thing to you."

"Right," Ven said as he moved to the door, chuckling to himself. "See you later."

I wanted so badly to stop him. I wanted to call out to him and tell him to stay, like I'd done three years ago. I wanted him to be there, to see me go. I didn't want to be alone again while feeling so weak and helpless with nothing there to support me. I'd felt that way all too many times. But I held my tongue.

I'm sorry, Ven…I don't think I'll ever see you again.

That would just be selfish of me. Ven had been stressing out for most of his life, always wondering if I was okay, providing for me whenever I needed it, and barely ever having time for himself. I couldn't force that on him in my last moments. That wasn't fair at all.

So I just lay there, watching my brother leave for the last time, silently saying goodbye.

"Ven…" I breathed into the silence. "Please…don't lose sight of what's there."

So many people say that death is completely unpredictable. And I guess…in a way that's true. You never know when death will come knocking on your door, or just barge in sans knocking. How will you know for sure that you suddenly won't get hit by a car or shot in the head? How will you know for sure whether you'll suffer a stroke or a heart attack? Life shouldn't be taken for granted in that sense, because it's just that fragile – it can end in the bat of an eyelash, or possibly even before that.

But for some people like me…we know exactly when we're going to kick the bucket. Like I mentioned before, a window of time left to stay alive can have that effect. Doctors give us an approximate, and we –the ones actually waiting for the sweet embrace of death – we just know, deep down, when we will meet our maker. We don't have a gauge, yet we still know. It's difficult to explain this at all, if not downright impossible.

My breaths were coming slower and slower each passing second. I knew that my time was running dangerously short – this tumor was doing its job a little too well. All the things that I'd suffered through with Ven by my side, all the good and the bad experiences we'd had together, and each and every one of our friends – yes, even Sora – all of it crowded together in my head and jostled for a chance in the spotlight. It would take more time than I had to sort through it all, so I just thought back to the night Ven had decided to stay by my side and everything that he'd said to my parents, the day I'd found out that I had cancer…and the Grad party. The night Sora and I talked, when he opened up more than I'd ever expected him to, yet not quite enough. How he'd told me to keep this all from Ven until the right time.

I chanced a glance at the clock. It was getting late…I had to go there, where Sora said he'd hope to meet me.

Try spreading your wings and soaring. If I end up going where you're headed and we happen to meet there, let me know what that was like.

I smiled a little, my last tear streaking down my face, and closed my eyes.

Well, Sora…I spread my wings and soared.

And I have to say…it felt pretty good.

---

Oh God; it's finally over! *collapses*

You know, I'm pretty sick of doing death scenes now.*sigh*As of now there is one in Bittersweet Journey, another in Quarry of the Loggerhead, another in Nothing Left To Live For, and about four in That One Side Of You, not including this story...yeesh. Yeah, I'm done with those...for the moment, at least.

Yeah, this took a lot out of me to write. It really hurt, writing some of these scenes (Dammit I love these characters too much… *sniffle*), but I do hope that my work paid off in your eyes. Thanks for reading and following this storyline for so long. :)