Practical Parenting
by Shamenka
Ares, the much hated God of War, lay back, lifting the baby onto his chest, skin to skin contact, enjoying the sensation of simply holding the child, his child. Just hours old, and perfect. Slowly, Ares became aware that he was drifting off to sleep; reluctantly therefor he lifted the baby off his chest, and placed him in his crib. The baby snuggled down on the real Golden Fleece, not the fake one Hercules and Jason kept rescuing. That notion made the wicked God smile. He refrained from laughing, he didn't want to wake the child, his beautiful child.
Staggering back to his bed, the War God collapsed into it, asleep instantly.
Peace reigned for only a few hours before an incessant wailing woke Ares. He lifted the baby, snuggling him close, producing a bottle filled with warmed milk, he tried to coax the baby to drink. That didn't work, so he changed the wrappings, leaving the baby clean, dry and still screaming. When that didn't work he moved the baby, and its fleece, onto the bed beside him. The baby screamed just as much, but wriggled and kicked his feet. Much like the action of a frog doing the back stroke.
Ares called Asclepius.
Asclepius looked at the baby, the fast kicking legs and agreed with Ares. Colic, had to be a bad case of colic. They massaged the baby's tummy, gently. The baby continued to scream, and kick. Asclepius produced a linen bag full of warm sand and put it down on the bed, then he rolled the baby over till he was leaning against the warm sand.
The baby was warm, dry, fed, massaged and still screaming.
Asclepius called his father, referring the treatment of the baby to a higher authority.
Apollo arrived in Ares' temple and heard the baby screaming. He tutted, pushed his way between the other two Gods, and lifted the distressed baby onto his lap, face down and he rubbed the child's back gently, in tiny little circles. The baby still screamed, he belched, but he still screamed. So Apollo went onto plan two. He lifted the baby onto his shoulder and patted and sang. Both the song and the pats were gentle, calming, Ares and Asclepius were almost asleep, but the baby still screamed.
It had been a long time since his Asclepius had been a baby, perhaps he was missing something? He called Cupid, seeing as how the Love God had a lot more resent experience with babies.
Cupid arrived and had his ears assailed by the screaming of an obviously distressed baby. Sighing at the sight of three senior Gods fussing over the frightened child, he pushed passed them all and retrieved the baby. He took him into the main room of Ares' temple and produced a rattle. Showing the toy to the baby he achieved ten seconds of silence, then the baby screamed even louder than ever.
Time for plan B! He plucked out one of his feathers and tickled the child. The baby looked at him, square in the eyes, giggled briefly, and grasped the feather from him, sucked it and promptly threw up. All over Cupid's leather bedecked legs. Cupid felt his love of babies flee south for the duration and called for his mother.
Aphrodite arrived, wondering why Cupid was being so rotten to a baby in Ares' temple, of all places. Just as she arrived, Ares and the others came out of the bedroom to see what was going on.
Alarmed at the baby sick all over Cupid's lap Asclepius and Apollo re-acquired the screaming baby and dashed back in to Ares' bedroom, just in case they had missed something. Cupid cleaned his leathers and refreshed the air, which stank of vomit. Aphrodite listened as the baby continued to scream.
"Ar, you have a baby here, and it's screaming." She pointed out.
"Aha." Ares' eyes glassed over, not even attempting to make a cutting remark about her stating the bleeding obvious.
"Like whose is it?" She asked, she was also quite certain that she had not seen Ares pregnant, nor had she seen any Goddesses or mortal women pregnant either. Then she realised, she hadn't seen Ares for several months.
"Mine." Ares told her, dreamily.
There came an even louder wail from his bedroom, a sound that certainly dragged him from his reverie as he ran into the room and retrieved the baby.
Now the child was dressed, wrapped in a light woollen blanket and had a comforter in his mouth. A comforter that the baby managed to scream around anyway. Right before he spat it out, with such a look of disgust.
Aphrodite saw the baby up close. He was beautiful, she cooed at him, nestled in Ares' arms, screaming! She tickled him, which caused him to scream with laughter, which was an appreciable change from just screaming.
"He's a doll!" She squealed, getting her face just too close to those small thrashing limbs.
As the Goddess of Love backed off, nursing a black eye, the baby screamed his delight louder than ever. Aphrodite, however, was contemplating infanticide when Hera arrived, took in the mayhem of all those Gods and Goddess fussing over the baby in Ares' arms. This needed decisive action, which she took.
Hera lifted the baby from Ares' arms, lifted him till she could whisper into his little ear. Which she did.
The baby stopped screaming, giggled up at her and thrashed his little legs and arms wildly, a big smile breaking over his face. Pale blue/grey eyes twinkled beneath a shock of jet black hair, as the baby's face faded from livid red to palest white. She shook her head, slowly and looked up from the baby.
"Ares, I'm surprised at you, that you of all people wouldn't realise such a basic truth!" She turned back to the baby and laughed at her grandson. "Who's Nana's pet then?" She asked, blowing a loud raspberry on the baby's chubby belly.
"What truth?" Ares asked.
"How did you do that?" Aphrodite asked.
"What was wrong with him?" Apollo asked.
"Is he all right then?" Asclepius asked.
"Hey, who pulled my feathers out?" Cupid asked, checking out a sudden bald spot on his left wing tip, then looking at the new baby who clutched a double handful of the soft, white, fun things..
Ares reclaimed his baby from his mother and he clutched the child to him. His eyes glazed over as he held the baby, snuggling the child into his chest, where he could hear Ares' heart beat.
"Ares, if the baby is yours who is the other parent?" Hera asked.
"I..." For the life of him Ares couldn't say.
"Exactly, so you had a baby, all by yourself, with no one to help you? With no one to 'father' the baby?" She asked.
Ares shrugged and nodded, blushing.
"Did he get here then?" A quiet voice asked from the main door way to Ares' temple.
"Who, dear?" Hera asked the newcomer. Eyes twinkling in delight.
"The baby of course!" The newcomer answered, crossing to the group with the baby. "Ah, Ares has him, again." And a finger, clad in black leather, stroked down the chubby belly. "Oh well." And Hades blew a big raspberry at the baby.
"Again?" Ares asked, looking at the baby he couldn't actually remember having.
"Again?" Cupid asked, looking from his father's stunned face to the now giggling and writhing baby.
"You sent Ares a baby?" Apollo asked.
"You made Ares pregnant? Now there's sex I'd like to see!" Aphrodite exclaimed.
"He's healthy enough." Apollo pointed out, Asclepius nodded his agreement.
"Don't mess it up this time!" Hera told the baby. "Or Nana will be cross!" She tweaked a foot, giggling herself.
Ares looked at the baby, he looked at the six senior Gods, standing around him and the baby, in varying stages of undress, just as they had arrived, in a panic, to help with the baby. He looked at his uncle Hades' laughing eyes. His mother's knowing smirk.
"Strife." He whispered to the baby in his arms. "Welcome back, little mischief!"
Then everyone else realised what was happening.
"Strife!" Four laughing Gods cried out in exasperation.
The baby just giggled, waved his stolen feathers in the air, kicked his little legs and listened to that so familiar heartbeat. Finally he went to sleep, and one by one the other Gods bid Ares, and his charge, a good night. As he put the baby back into his crib he whispered a good night wish, and crawled back into his own bed. Relishing all the mischief he had ahead of him, Ares settled down to sleep and dream of things to come.