Just a little addicted.
Dan was sitting in his room in the dark. It wa 3:26 am. He was awake because he was waiting for Phil to come home from clubbing. Dan was a little worried but he shouldn't be.
Phil is a grown man. Hell he's 30.
So stop it, Dan. Stop being so stupid and making up problems that wasn't even there.
Dan was being paranoid. But it was just because he cared about Phil, cared a little to much for his best friend.
Dan always felt more attracted to Phil than a best friend should be. Dan wanted to be more than a simple best friend. Dan wanted to be Phil's lover. Just like fans thought they were.
Dan loved this ship called Phan. He could spend hours on tumblr watching all the fanarts of Phan and reading conversations about it.
There have been times when he had replayed to some. He was amazed at how fans could write fanfictions about Phan. He loved to read them. It was his little dream world he liked to live in.
Doors locking and opening made Dan put his computer and thoughts away. He stood up and went to the living room. He didn't know that it would be a big mistake he had made.
Phil was leaning against the wall with some guy kissing his neck.
Dan saw that Phil was drunk but he saw that Phil wanted this, wanted to do dirty things with this guy he had probably met at the club.
It hurt Dan so much. He wanted to scream and cry. He wanted to be in the guy place. He wanted to be with Phil.
Phils eyes finaly met Dans and he let a little embarresed smile play on his lips, pushing the guy away from his neck.
"Dan! I thought you would be asleep. Greg, this is Dan, my roommate and best friend." Phil said in a cheerfull tone.
"Yeah. I'm a night owl as you know. I was editing a video." Dan said in casual but pissed off tone.
"Oh, well we won't disturb you. We're going to my room." Phil took Greg's hand and led him past Dan to Phils room, closing the door behind them.
Dan was left there broken breaking with unspoken needs.
Dan put his jacket and put his wallet and phone into his pocket. He went outside just because he didn't want to hear how this Greg guy had made Phil moan and hit his climax.
Dan wanted to be the one who did that.
Dan put his earphones on and listened to music, letting it calm him down. But it didn't stop his mind from the image of Phil with that fucking guy.
Dan needed to stop it. He needed some kind of relise.
Dan stoped infront of the dangerous looking man. Dan stood tall so he would look more confident about himself infront of this man.
"What ya want, Pretty boy?" Man asked in a low voice.
"Something that will set my mind off my problems. Something that will make me feel good." Dan said, looking straight into the mans eyes, making his point.
"I can give you that, if your willing to pay for it, Pretty boy." He said, putting his hands in his pockets.
Dan took out enough cash and gave it to the man without thinking.
He looked at it and give gave a little plastic bag with a little shot in it and a couple collorfull pills next to it. Dan took the bag, looking it up.
"Pills as a gift." He said with a smirk on his lips.
"Thanks." Dan said, going away.
He had tried drugs before. He had used them before.
Dan sat down on the park bench. He took out a little shot and rolled up his sleeves. He found his vein, pushing the sharp needle into it without worries.
He closed his eyes, feeling powerfull drugs sliding into his veins. And hell. It felt so fucking good.
How had Dan forgot how good this made him feel ? How was that possible?
Dan tossed the used shot into the trash can near the park bench and pushed his sleeve back down.
Dan looked down at the gifted pills. He put them into his jacket pocket for later.
Dan sat, looking up in the sky and letting the drugs kick in.
After a couple minuets Dan started to feel so good. No more worries. Just fun, joyfull Dan. He loved this side of himself.
Dan went to the first club he could find. He wanted to dance. Wanted to be crazy and just have fun.
He loved the freedom drugs gave him.
Oh, how he missed this feelings. How he loved these feelings this gave him.
Dan felt free! Free from everything. Even from himself.
Dan danced with everyone who wanted to dance with him.
And it was so much fun.
Dan laughed so much. He was happy.
In the morning when the club closed he went to another party with a little group of people he had met in the club.
They partied for more good hours. And Dan didn't care at all. He loved this free feeling he was having in these moments.
Dan went home around midday. He went into his flat, singing along to his music. He even danced around a little.
He didn't see or hear Phil entering the hallway. So he bumped into him, falling off his feet and down on his butt. And that made Dan laugh so hard like crazy.
Because for him it was so fucking funny that he couldn't stop laughing about it.
"Dan, are you alright? " Phil asked in a worried tone, trying to help Dan stand up.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" Dan pushed Phils hands away and stood up, picking his earphones up from the floor.
Dan ignored Phils asking, worried face and went into the kitchen to find that Greg guy, sitting in his chair and eating breakfast.
"What the fuck is he doing here?!" Dan turned to look at Phil.
"Calm down, Dan. We're eating breakfasts. What's gotten into you?" Phil asked becoming a little annoyed and sitting down.
"Are you fucking kidding me?! You didn't just ask me that, did you? Know what Lester? FUCK YOU! And fuck your fuckboy too! I fucking hate you both! " Dan lost it all and went to his room, slamming his bedroom door with such big force that made the walls tremble a little.
Phil sat there in total shock. He had seen Dan having a bad days but this was even worst.
"I'm sorry about what just happened... " Phil said in a worried tone.
He was actually worried about Dan.
"It's okay. I think I should go. I don't want to be between you and your boyfriend drama." Greg said, standing up.
"Boyfriend? Dan isn't my boyfriend! And I am not a cheater!" Phil said in an angry tone, opening the doors for Greg to leave.
"Whatever." Greg said, going away without a goodbye.
Phil shut the door behind him and took a couple deep breaths.
Boyfriend ? Does he and Dan really look like boyfriends?
Phil didn't know what to think. He wanted to be Dans boyfriend but he just couldn't do that.
"Ugh. Why this is so complicated?" Phil asked himself.
Phil went to Dans room and gently knocked on the door but didn't get any answer.
Dan heard Phil knocking. He just didn't want to open these damn doors to him.
Dan was laying in his bed looking at the ceiling, listening.
Phil slowly opened and closed the doors to Dans room and step inside.
He felt worried about Dan and his reaction about Phils one night stand.
Phil usually didn't do one night stands. This time he just needed someone to take his mind off Dan. It took him so much to actually do it.
Phil got drunk but he couldn't stop himself from imagining Dan insted of Greg. And it was so hard not to moan Dans name when he come.
"Dan..." Phil took a step toward Dan, ready for any kind of reaction.
"What do you want Lester?" Dan asked without looking at Phil.
"What just happened? Why did you say things like that?" Phil sat down next to Dan and looked at his face, waiting for any answer.
"Do i need to replay all I said?" Dan snapped at Phil.
"No. I just wanna know what is happening with you, Dan. Please talk to me. "Phil begged.
Dan looked at him and he just couldn't keep being mad at Phil. Phils blue eyes looked so sad, searching answers in Dans brown ones.
"And what will happen, if I tell you the reasons why?" Dan asked, sitting up.
"Than we will talk about it." Phil said, looking with hope in Dans eyes.
"Did he touch you after you took a shower?" Dan asked in a really serious tone.
"No." Phil shook his head.
"Good." Dan said, making his choice in his head.
Phil looked a little confused.
Dan grabbed his face in his hands and pushed his cold lips against Phils warm ones.
Phils eyes snapped wide open in shock about what was happening.
He closed his eyes and answered Dans kiss, putting one hand into his curly hair.
Dan pushed Phil down and got on top of him, continuing the kiss.
The kiss got hotter and hotter with every move.
And Phil loved it. He felt like in heaven.
And Dan enjoed that Phil didn't push him away. He loved being able to feel Phils lips against his own.
Phils free hand slid under Dans shirt.
Dan suddenly pushed Phil away and sat on the other side of bed.
"W... what...?" Phil asked, panting.
"I won't fuck you right after that dickhead did." Dan snapped.
"What?" Phil was in shock about all that was happening right now with him.
"I won't fuck you right after someone else have fucked you! You heard that." Dan said, crossing his arms on his chest.
"Dan... I.."
- Yes? What are you waiting for? Go! – Dan snapped in a rude tone.
Oh, if Phil just knew that it was to protect Dans feelings.
Phil was so taken a back. He just sat there, looking in Dans eyes and feeling his heart shatter into a milion peices.
Phils eyes started to water when he got up.
That broke Dans heart. He wanted to pull him inside his arms and just kiss him and tell him that everything will be okay.
But he couldn't do that. He just couldn't be that selfish.
Hot tears made it's way down Phils left cheek right before Phil got out of Dans room, slamming the door behind him.
Dan sat there, feeling how every peice of him was breaking apart. And he just screamed into his pillow.
Why the hell was he such a burden!? Why did he always have to ruin every good moment?
Dan screamed and threw his pillow aside.
He felt so fucking bad. He wanted to run after Phil. Tell him that he loved him.
But no. He can't do that. He just can't.
Dan sat down and took out the plastic bag he had in his jacket pocket.
He counted the little pills in his hand.
5... 5 little collorfull pills.
Strong.
And Dan didn't think twice. He put them all into his mouth and swallowed them.
He knew that he could overdosed because the shot had not run out of his body yet.
But he didn't care if he lived or died.
Dan just sat next to his bed, closing his eyes and waiting.
Waiting for the drugs to kick in and take over his stupid useless body.
And when they did he start to forget everything.
Every why he had.
Every doubt he had.
Every reason he had.
He forget it all and finally he breathed freely.
He was free.
Free from himself and his mistakes.
Free from everything.
And he let it be that way.
He didn't want to change anything in it at all.
He let himself disapear.
Forever.