Bad Mojo
By: Jason Tandro
Author's Note: This was my entry for the Genesis Awards Summer Fanfic contest. Convinced that I could do nothing serious with the mostly serious prompts, I decided to write a cheap little crack fic just for fun.
And no, it didn't win, LOL.
The prompts were:
"A wonderful day turned tragic: In under 7500 words write an angst-centric piece based on the most beautiful day becoming a nightmare. "
"An accident has turned all the men in Final Fantasy VII into women! How do they react, and who is going to save them now? In under 7500 words explore the sexual deviations of these characters. Can be of any genre. "
"A dream or reality? In under 7500 words write a scenario in which a character cannot tell if what they are experiencing is real or not. This can either be a good thing or a bad thing."
And that became this…
It had been one of those days. The sun was overbearing, there was no wind to speak of, and the hunting party had only returned with enough food for a light dinner. Not that Cosmo Canyon didn't have spare food, but they were reserving it as the dry season was fast approaching.
"Looks like another lean night, boys," Cid sighed as he dug into his yak leg.
Barret was chewing on a turkey bone, and Tifa was sitting beside him, washing down her meal with a cup of mead.
"Thanks for coming to my home for your vacations," Red nodded. "I'm sorry things have been rough."
"Don't worry about it," Yuffie said. "I'm getting sick of Costa De Sol and Gold Saucer. It's like the only place you can go for a vacation is those two places."
Red laughed, a barking chortle.
"Hey, what is this stuff?" Cid asked, observing a strange small pouch with various leaves in it. He seemed to have found it underneath his log.
"That looks like grandfather's medicine pouch," Red said. He walked over to Cid. "Give it here."
Red shrugged and put the pouch in Red's mouth.
"Excuse me!" Cait Sith called as he tripped on the way up the stone stairs to the bonfire. His small plate fell out of his hands and two large shakers of salt and pepper flew into the airs.
Red's eyes began to water and sting fiercely as the salt hit his eyes. He rolled on the ground and spit out the pouch, which landed in the fire. Suddenly the smoke began to smell unusual… then putrid.
"Damn it!" Cloud cursed. "What was in that bag?"
"I'm not sure, but I don't think we should be inhaling it!" Yuffie gasped as she moved away from the fire.
The crowd around the bonfire dispersed quickly and everybody ran inside with their food.
Later that night, the group was getting ready for bed. Spare accommodations for 8 people was unusual for Cosmo Canyon, but they made do.
"My head's all woozy right now," Tifa sighed.
"I'm not feeling so hot either," Barret cursed as he rubbed his eyes. "That smoke smell is still on my clothes."
"Well let's just get some sleep. We'll all feel better in the morning," Cloud said.
And, one by one, they all fell fast asleep.
Yuffie's Dream
Yuffie walked down the streets of Wutai in her kimono and ceremonial garb. She was finally taking control of the city.
"Ahaha!" She laughed. "Citizens of Wutai! Bow before me!"
"Bow before what?" Asked an old woman.
Yuffie looked down at the old woman. "Who are you?"
"I know you, you silly little girl. I used to babysit you. You could barely take care of yourself!" The woman laughed.
"Nana! Not now! I'm trying to give a speech!" Yuffie pleaded.
"You always left your clothes all over the floor. You didn't eat what was put in front of you. How can you run a kingdom when you can't even run your own life?"
With each insult, the woman grew larger and larger and Yuffie grew younger and younger. With the last line she was a five-year old girl with the kimono draped over her like a blanket. She was crying as Nana continued to insult her.
"I eat little girls like you!" Nana said, picking up little Yuffie. "I eat bad little girls!"
Red XIII's Dream
Red ran down the canyon road, trying to find something. Anything. There was nothing in the valley anymore. Everything was dead.
"Hello!" Red shouted, in common tongue first, but then he began to howl for others.
There was nobody to help him. Two vultures perched on the rock face near him, cawing with delight. He would not be their food.
He ran on, paws beating fiercely against the desert sands, praying and hoping that he would find water or food somewhere. His throat was parched, his stomach empty, but still he ran.
Just over the next horizon. Over the next one… the next one… there had to be something.
The vultures cawed louder, and now there were more of them. With each mile he put behind him more of the fierce birds showed up. Soon the sun was blotted out, and the moon appeared in the sky of vulture down.
He looked up and began to howl at the moon, praying to his ancestors for help. And on the rock face in front of him, stood his father. The stone visage that was left of him,
being pecked at by the vultures.
Cid's Dream
"What do you think?" Shera asked.
She was wearing a lovely white dress, but Cid couldn't imagine why she would be.
"Uh… it looks nice," Cid said, not sure what to say.
Shera frowned. She looked down at the dress and fidgeted with a ring on her right hand.
"You said we should get married; but we don't have to," Shera sighed, rubbing her stomach.
"It wouldn't be right. With the kid coming. We have to get married," Cid nodded. "Besides, I have to. Or else they'll kill me."
And with that, two large Sweepers walked into the room and in a blur of motion they dressed Cid in a tuxedo and attached a large ball and chain; the ball in the shape of a pacifier to his leg.
As a slow perversion of the wedding march, which sounded more like a funeral dirge, began to play Cid marched with the two Sweepers behind him down an aisle that seemed to stretch forever….
Vincent's Dream
Ice. A lake surrounded by ice. Except, it was not cold, like ice. Strange crystals that seemed to form out of the rock itself.
And in it, was her.
It was all he had dreamed about in so many years…
Cait Sith's Dream
001000000110010001101111
Barret's Dream
Marlene was all grown up now. She was such a beautiful young woman, just like her mother had been. She had Eleanor's eyes and mouth and even her hair. But she had the same set jaw and rigid facial features of Dyne.
"I don't want you doing this, Marlene," Barret said as Marlene raised a submachinegun and slung it over her back.
"I'm just doing what you did all the time. Don't treat me like I'm a child," She hissed.
"No good can come from this. I've been there. Please you must understand me. I was the same as you. You're right. Even when I was an old man of 40 I was still a kid inside. I was gonna raise hell just like you. But it changes you, Marlene. It destroys who you used to be," Barret pleaded.
"That's your excuse? For always being absent from my life? You were a different person then?" Marlene's words stung. "Just because you failed doesn't mean I'm going to stop."
"Marlene, you've got a child on the way," Barret cried.
"And I want the best world for her, just like you," Marlene nodded. She strapped goggles over her eyes. In an instant she soared down the street on her bike.
Tifa's Dream
"I'm home!" Cloud called. She was in that little black dress that Tifa loved so much.
Of course, Tifa was in no mood to do anything tonight. He had just spent a long day at the rat races and needed a break.
"Evening honey. Did you and Barret have fun at Yoga class?" Tifa asked.
"Barret is so good at it!" Cloud giggled. "She's very delicate, you know!"
"I can't do this anymore!" Tifa cried as he slammed his fist against his briefcase. "Cloud. I'm sorry. I've been having an affair with Vincent."
"Vincent?" Cloud asked.
"That red cape she always wears, it just attracted me so much. I didn't know what to do or say… I just gave into the moment," Tifa sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Oh, don't be silly!" Cloud laughed. "I've been messing around with Yuffie for ages. He likes to tie me up, which you never want to do."
"Yuffie's into bondage?" Tifa asked. "Is her friend Cid into it too?"
"No Cid's into Cosplay. You know… she likes to dress up like an astronaut…"
"Oh really?" Tifa asked, rubbing his chin.
"Attention! Attention!" Came a voice over a loudspeaker. "This dream is officially too ridiculous! Back to your places!"
Cloud's Dream
Later that night, the group was getting ready for bed. Spare accommodations for 8 people was unusual for Cosmo Canyon, but they made do.
"My head's all woozy right now," Tifa sighed.
"I'm not feeling so hot either," Barret cursed as he rubbed his eyes. "That smoke smell is still on my clothes."
"Well let's just get some sleep. We'll all feel better in the morning," Cloud said.
And, one by one, they all fell fast asleep.
Cloud woke with a start. "Tifa!"
Tifa rolled over in the bed beside him. "What is it Cloud?"
"I just had this dream that we all got high of Bugenhagen's medicine bag and started having crazy ass dreams!" Cloud sighed. "It was so weird."
"Okay, well will you keep it down please?" Tifa asked. "Cid and Shera are in the other room. For some reason Cid was wearing his space suit. Oh, Yuffie and Vincent are downstairs… but you don't wanna know what they're doing!"
Suddenly Cait Sith burst into the room.
"ROBOTS DO NOT DREAM. ROBOTS KILL. DESTROY! DESTROY!" Cait Sith shouted.
Yuffie hopped into the room, bound hand and foot with a scarf blocking her mouth. Vincent was chasing after her carrying a large chunk of ice with Lucrecia's head in it. Cloud jumped out of bed and ran downstairs after them. On the stairwell he passed Red who was gasping for breath.
"Water! Water!" He cried.
Two Sweepers ran beside Cloud. Cid was chasing after them, using one of the Sweeper's arms as a shotgun.
"I'll marry!" He fired once. "Who I want!" He fired again. "When I damn-" BANG. "Well-" BANG. "Please!"
The final shot knocked the Sweeper down. The bound Yuffie was now shrinking, sliding out of the ropes and turning into a little girl who was running away from a crazy old woman with a broomstick.
"Clean up this mess! Yuffie!" The woman shouted.
The top of the house exploded, and Marlene came running down the stairs holding another bomb.
"One for each level!" She shouted, firing at Cid.
Cloud grabbed Tifa's hand and dragged her through the house trying to get out, when suddenly-
The next morning everybody awoke with the rooster. Breakfast was plentiful, the chickens in the coop having provided plenty of eggs.
"Jeez," Cloud groaned. "Did anybody else have any weird dreams last night?"
"Nope," Yuffie shook her head.
"Not really," Red seconded.
"No weirder than usual," Vincent added.
"Guys, I have an announcement to make!" Cid said, standing up and raising his glass. "When I get home, I'm marrying Shera!"
Everybody at the table applauded, except for Cloud who shouted. "And I won't be attending!"
Author's Note: In the original version, Cait Sith had a full dream in binary (basically it was just the phrase ROBOTS DO NOT DREAM. ROBOTS KILL. DESTROY DESTROY. in binary, but for some reason it gets cut off in