This is quite the shift. I'm finally writing something with actual angst that goes beyond teen romance (of course it's there too, but still). I'll ramble more after the chapter.

Chapter 1: Pushing Away

A slight giggle. A bat of her eyelids. A warm smile. He had half a mind to ask Karis to take care of it for him: he certainly didn't want to break another girl's heart. And it was clear that Sveta's heart was in his hand, and he very much so despised that fact. But asking Karis to help… how low could he get? He had broken her heart, and yet he had the gall to even consider asking her to break another girl's for him?

He had tried so hard with Karis to make it clear that he wasn't attracted to her. He had been as indifferent as he freaking could: if she had asked to go on a walk, he had claimed that he was tired in the most disinterested, softest drawl possibly. If she had asked how she looked, he had shrugged, maybe throwing out a half-hearted smile. When she had leant up against him… well, what the hell should he have done but embrace her?

Push her away? Yeah, he should have. He wasn't perfect, he'd give himself that. He should have done everything in his power to make it clear to Karis that he just wasn't interested. Oh, how he had cringed when she said those words: "Do you like me as… more than a friend?"

Karis was a strong girl. She had taken it well, and he had tried to, as subtly as possible, direct her towards Tyrell. As it was, though, he couldn't ask Karis to do this for him. He had to confront Sveta about it, and NOW. Besides, if Karis did, what would Sveta think? Most likely that Karis was out for him, and trying to keep her at bay. What a mess that would be.

Matthew really, honestly wondered sometimes if his father had been this damn depressed during his quest. He must have, at some point; Isaac didn't like to talk about it, but Matthew knew from his Mom that his party had more or less murdered two Proxians in order to try to halt the Lighthouses from being lit. Matthew knew his Dad, and he knew he must have taken that badly. Very, very badly.

Matthew almost felt pity on the off-nights he heard his father lightly sobbing. Almost. Maybe if he hadn't been a complete prick and left Jenna, then he could feel some remorse for Isaac. But, in all honesty, he hated the man.

He had a list of reasons. Abandoning Jenna was the biggest one, no doubt, but there were plenty more: treating his only son like more of a weapon than a child, to be trained and honed, the way he acted like he was always right and the way he always WAS right.

Still, he had to give Isaac credit: Matthew did not know how he managed seven other people all at once. Personally, it drove Matthew insane. Of course, Isaac had been able to rely on Uncle Felix, while Matthew was alone. Trapped, surrounded by people who should be his friends, and who he just… despised.

It hadn't started out that way, but after this quest, he was just about fed up with nearly every member of the party.

Tyrell, his best friend, was an obnoxious goon who was dangerously close to being a womanizer. Which made Matthew feel bad about recommending Karis to him.

Karis was an obnoxious know-it-all who kept "unintentionally" questioning and challenging his leadership, which he was already unsure of enough to begin with. And she was always worried about him or trying to figure him out, while he did his absolute best to be as interesting as stone.

Rief was a mini-Kraden, and while that had thankfully gone away for the most part once Kraden himself had joined their party, it was kind of a moot point now that they had the real thing. He was also so self-righteous that it made Matthew consider doing really terrible things in front of him JUST to get an overblown reaction.

Matthew had just given up on pretending he had any positive feelings towards Amiti: with everyone else in the party, Matthew tried his very best to seem cheery, compassionate, and understanding. Amiti just managed to bring out the worst in him; Matthew hadn't wanted to let him join the party in the first place, very nearly dissolving into a swearing fit when the damned Insight Glass had chosen him. He was just so Gods-damned thick about the most basic things in travel, and was even MORE self-righteous than Rief. Having to spend fifteen minutes convincing him they were indeed going to save Eoleo had been a complete waste of his time and he had despised every moment. Seriously.

Eoleo was a really drunk pirate, and Matthew could pretty much respect that. He at least, unlike the others, seemed to acknowledge that Matthew had enough on his mind, and therefore generally left him alone. He also let them use his ship for free. And he made perverse jokes. Eoleo was definitely winning the best-party-member contest.

Himi was a mime.

And then, there was Sveta (the less said about Kraden the better). Sveta was… oh, Matthew couldn't hate her. They had known each other for a short time, but to be honest, she was very nice. She was caring, pretty, pleasant to be around, and for Venus's sake they had shared souls. He had done his best to hide himself from her, and she hadn't brought it up, so he guessed it had worked, but she had been completely open, and he had seen how great a person she was deep down.

To be perfectly honest, maybe he did like her. But, that was the thing… Jenna had told him a long time ago, that in order to love someone, or to be loved, you have to love yourself. And Matthew didn't.

Hell, how could he? He had just spent the last minute going through his head how much he hated all the people he had spent several months with, who he constantly tried to praise and help. People who were his friends. Or, at least, who called him their friend. It wasn't all bull shit, all the nice things he said to them. It's just that the negatives were still there as well.

He wanted to like them all, it wasn't like it was their fault. Sure, their flaws grated on him, but it was what was wrong with him, not what was wrong with them, that was the problem. Case in point, Matthew was a terrible person. A perfectly serviceable leader, but a terrible, empty, person.

He kept this to himself, because he knew that everyone in the party would be quick to object: they would sit him down and talk of how he had led them through thick and thin, how he had saved their collective hides more than a number of times, how he was so steadfast in battle.

Matthew wouldn't deny that. Hell, as much of a mess as the Eclipse had been, he didn't actually blame himself for that. He was only seventeen, and had been forced to make a lot of split-second and morally-questionable decisions. If Isaac had really given a damn about the Roc Feather (not to mention their safety), he would have gone with them or sent Garet, rather than let them set off on their own. Instead, he let them go alone, and Matthew had been forced to deal with situation after situation that he was not prepared for.

So Matthew didn't think the Grave Eclipse was truly his fault: but he would accept the blame. He knew his actions had somewhat led to it, and had no issue bearing responsibility. It didn't matter much to him, if people blamed him for it. He imagined that the other members of the party would be less willing to take the blame, however, so it made sense for him to do it.

Ah, thinking of others. Matthew allowed himself a small, dark chuckle. He had long lamented the fact that the line between viewing his party as people or as tools and assets had been blurred. As Sveta had held her hand out to him, tears streaming down her face, her brother bleeding in torment behind her, light nearly swallowing her, too weak to do what needed to be done, had he truly felt something move within him?

Or was it just the knowledge that the task had needed to be completed, and that neither was strong enough to do it alone? He had looked forward to it; death. He had realized at that moment, surrounded by ethereal light, that his father had been correct, that the life of a hero was no glamour or beauty, just a slog against what seemed like the impossible. He had wanted it to end, to be sure, but at the last moment, had he felt guilty? That she had to be there with him? She hadn't deserved to die, he knew that logically, but did he CARE?

Matthew had viewed Sveta as a simple animal on his worse days, and as an extraordinarily useful tool on his better ones; at least for a good deal of the journey. He had been charming to her, yes, but only because he first needed her to cross the Teppe Ruins, and then when it became clear that her skill set was invaluable. Her value in his eyes was multiplied ten-fold when it was revealed she was the princess of Belinsk, as it offered the party a guaranteed way into Belinsk Castle, and a hundred-fold when they discovered only she could wield the Umbra Gear.

He had gone out of his way many times to make her feel proud, happy, to make her smile. At first, it was just to keep her in the party, to make sure she would stay with them and provide him with her many uses. But, it became so complicated… he started to… feel something when he said these things. His smiles toward her, they became more than just falsehoods. His compliments started to ring true.

Matthew despised himself for falling in love with Sveta. He knew the kind of man he was: the same as his father. A leader, if that was even the word. Using everyone in his party with terse precision and doing whatever was necessary to accomplish the goal presented. While Matthew had done his best to keep the party alive, he had sent each member into very dangerous situations at least once. He was no hero.

Sure, that may be what people called him, but in reality he was a strategist, a cold and cyclical analyzer, continually looking forward and trying to smother any emotion or un-logical thought that poisoned his mind. The people around him were pawns; they may also be his friends, but they were pawns first. Well… no, pawns was the wrong word. They were the greater pieces on the chessboard. He would fight for them, but still, their duty came first.

A girl like Sveta, a nice girl like her, had no need for someone like him. Someone so cold, so bitter. Matthew had been sculpted into a harsh and cold young man by his father, but he had grown further from that. Originally, Isaac had pushed him as hard as humanly possible, and it had taken Matthew only a short time to realize that he was just that: a tool, a weapon. His father needed him to protect the world, not to be his son.

Matthew had tried to resist, to fight the idea that he was less of a child and more of a project. He had failed. As he had set out on the quest, he had slowly began to degenerate into what would make Isaac proud: a leader willing to do just enough to keep the pieces around him alive while pouring everything into accomplishing the task at hand, and not giving a damn about anything else.

He had hid it, and hid it well. Karis, Tyrell, they had at first been concerned as he became more and more introverted, but after Matthew had fed them lies about just needing time to think as the leader of the party, they had left him alone. And he had sunk deeper, and deeper, and deeper. All he was now was an empty shell, less of a man and more of a set of responsibilities.

But he would not drag Sveta down with him. He would not be a fool like Isaac and ruin an innocent heart in return. No, he would break her heart now, but in the end it would be better. With this firmly in his mind, Matthew rose from his seat at the helm of the ship.

He turned, prepared to seek out Sveta, but instead, came face to face with Karis.

ALL DAT ANGST. As the line goes, it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. I've been playing with the idea of either Isaac, Felix, or Matthew being slight sociopaths for a while now, and this is the result. The elder Venus Adept do make an appearance as well.

But seriously, Matthew just sitting alone and seething with all this negative energy is a real possibility: I think, more than anyone in the GS universe, he would be adept at hiding his true thoughts and feelings.

This fic will get into the heart of his issues with what it means to be a son, a leader, and a lover, and how much of each he should be. Isaac and him definitely have issues here, and while Jenna does obviously play a factor, it's a deeper issue than that.

But seriously, I need to do more Spirit Shipping, so that should be nice. Of course, it doesn't come up till a bit later. Still can't write a fic without putting some Dawn Shipping in somewhere. I disgust myself. I'd really like to do something that involves no shipping, but I'm such a hopeless romantic I doubt that's going to happen.

For anyone who thinks Matthew's sounding a bit like an asshole: he's supposed to be as of now (I'm actually not sure if I made him mean enough), and he gets worse before he gets better. This fic gets fairly dark, or at least it should.

I'm pretty sure I said somewhere A Gentler Steam and More Than Just a Third Eye were on my radar in the nearest future, but this came out of nowhere and I figured that if I had it written I may as well post it. No idea when it will be updated.

Worried this one might be a little all over the place, but that's kind of a reflection of where Matthew's head is right now. So, with that, thank you for reading!