Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or its characters.
Man was, by far, God's greatest creation. To make such a creature to be so intelligent, to have feelings and make towering skyscrapers and conquer the lands and make a living off of it, who wouldn't agree?
Castiel loved humans, of course- one particular one most of all. The human that taught him how to feel emotions. The human that he often fought side-by-side with to keep great evil at bay. The human who searched for him through a horrible place, even though he could've left any time. The human that he died for multiple times. The human that has become his best friend. The human he fell in love with when he gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. The human who thought of him as family, and as family only.
Dean Winchester. Castiel watched as the eldest Winchester chatted with his lover- Lisa Braedon- as he flipped the burgers on the grill. The angel supposed that he should feel happy for him. This was, after all, what he wanted- a normal, peaceful life with the person who he loved. This was the man who taught him how to feel emotions, the man who'd done so much for him. He deserved this life.
However, Castiel wasn't sure if learning how to feel was a good thing. He felt hurt. Confused. Sad. And, of course, this made him feel like a bad person. As long as Dean was happy, he should be, too. He watched as Dean grabbed Lisa and kissed her sweetly on the lips and felt yet another twinge of jealousy and hurt.
He knew that Dean will never kiss him like that. He knew that Dean would never hold his hand. He knew that he'd never spend lazy mornings full of cuddling and sweet kisses with the Winchester. Not ever. He knew that the man only thought of him as a brother and nothing more.
He supposed he should feel grateful that the Winchester was at least close with him. But wouldn't that just make it even more painful? Knowing that the man he'd fallen for will never return his feelings because he thought of him only as a best friend? Was this his punishment for all of the sins he has committed for this man?
Castiel gave a small sigh as he heard Sam praying for him. He turned away from the couple- from Dean, who was mercilessly tickling a laughing Lisa- and flew off to accompany the younger Winchester. He'd been foolish to even fantasize about being with Dean, in a happy relationship. Because Castiel knew that would never happen.
Not ever.
...
"Where's Dean?" Cas asked Sam. He said he was getting groceries nearly 13 minutes ago, so why wasn't he back already? Perhaps something had happened to him. Though it was unlikely, with the eldest Winchester being armed and skilled in fighting, it was still a possibility.
And if it was, he was willing to fight to get his human back. At this point, Castiel would've probably jump into the Cage itself if Dean was in there, in trouble, with no hesitation. They did share, after all, a profound bond. Sam looked up from his book.
"Dean came in her a few minutes ago then said he was headed to the bar, probably to hook up with someone." He shrugged after that, and Castiel deflated, just a bit. It was normal for Dean to go out and pick up women for one night stands. Yet Castiel felt a bit bothered, if not annoyed, by this.
Constantly having sex with women like that couldn't be healthy, both for Dean and the lady. Jumping from woman to woman most likely wouldn't look well in a relationship. Castiel believed that Dean did this as a way to forget about the negative emotions he had bottled up- all the hurt, the confusion, self-loathing.
As for the woman, waking up in the morning and realizing that you weren't really loved by the man who'd charmed you and that he'd dumped you must hurt. And then there's the unprotection. Sam and Dean have educated him further in this matter. What if the woman got pregnant and was forced to raise a fatherless baby?
Castiel knew, however, that it weren't these reasons that bothered him most. It was because whenever Dean had one night stands, he felt a small, small pang of hurt. It led him to believe that the eldest Winchester was incapable of holding a stable, healthy, actual relationship. That it would be a habit that would be hard to break. The rational side of him knew that this wasn't true- he'd seen it with Lisa. But, then again, look at how well that turned out.
Castiel decided not to dwell on it. It'd make everything easier. "I see," He ended up saying to Sam. He turned to walk away, but heard the closing of a book and a chair sliding back.
"Cas- wait." Sam said, and Cas turned around. Sam put his book down.
"Yes?" The angel asked. Sam pursed his lips.
"You have a thing for Dean, don't you?" He asked, and a for a moment, a tremor of fear came to him. If Sam knew about it, then it must be obvious, so then maybe Dean knew about it and that'd ruin their friendship. Castiel didn't want that- anything but that. If he couldn't have Dean's love, then he at least wanted his friendship.
"What?" Castiel said, dumbly. Perhaps pretending that he didn't have feelings for Dean would make things better. Castiel knew that this wasn't true, but it was worth a shot anyways. Unfortunately for him, Sam didn't buy it; little did anyone know, but Sam secretly really wanted them to be together, much like the few people who actually read Supernatural. He even wrote a few fanfictions. His most popular one, by far, was called Twist and Shout.Although he wrote it, he gave it to a couple of girls who gladly published and edited it for him. (Obviously, this isn't real. We all know that Sammy can't write smut between our cute little angel and his brother.)
"C'mon, Cas, I see the way you look at him, and the way he looks at you. You might actually have a shot, you know-"
"Sam." Castiel interrupted. "Dean is straight, is he not?" Sam paused, then looked at Castiel closely. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he didn't look him in the eye. In fact, his gaze seemed to wander anywhere but Sam.Jackpot, Sam thought, somewhat giddy.
"Dean's...I'm pretty sure he's gay for you, Cas. Which I suppose would mean that he's bi, since he definitely likes you. As in he likes both men and women," He elaborated upon the angel's confused head tilt, "but dude, you do like him!" Sam was positive that he sounded like a highschool girl, but didn't really care at the moment. The angel was quiet for a minute.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell Dean about this," He said, softly. Sam's face broke out in a grin.
"You should tell him. He feels the same way, I'm sure. I've never seen him act the way he does around you, so you probably have a shot-"
"No." Castiel said, automatically. "Dean thinks of me as family and nothing more." This statement was confident, although the speaker deflated just a bit. Sam looked at the angel sympathetically- was this what he really thought? It was obvious to everyone that Dean wanted a piece of that ass.
"Cas, we all know that isn't true." Sam tried. "Dean just...he likes you, okay? I know that. I firmly believe that you two have a chance." Cas shook his head.
"Sam. He ages; I don't. He's only alive for the smallest fraction of my life. When he's an old man- when he's passed away- I'll still be here." Sam opened his mouth, but no words came out; Cas did have a point.
"But we can make it work," Sam finally said. "Somehow.
"Sam."
"And maybe after you patch things up with the other angels-"
"Sam."
"-you can visit Dean-"
"Sam!" Cas said, not quite yelling but definitely not talking at a normal voice level. "It just won't work. "
"Just give it a try, Cas." Sam pleaded.
Castiel sighed softly, then turned and began to walk away to continue his Netflix binge. He stopped. "I appreciate your efforts, Sam, I do. I really do." He turned around. "But I just know that if even he did feel the same way I feel about him, we can never have a healthy, functional relationship." He left a slightly saddened, yet even more determined Sam behind before he once again stopped before disappearing around the corner. He didn't look back at him.
"Not ever."
...
"I'm sorry, Dean," The angel muttered, the familiar feeling of guilt settling in his gut as he watched the eldest Winchester slip on a black shirt, wincing. Dean gave him a confused look.
"Bout what, Cas?" He asked. Castiel's eyes flickered to Dean's bicep, where a gauze was tightly wrapped around it, then to his side were a long gash lay hidden under the shirt. Dean noticed where his eyes had wandered off to and scoffed. "Oh, come on, man. That wasn't your fault and you know it." Cas looked down- he was sure that Dean was only saying that to be polite.
"But it was," Cas replied quietly. "If only I had been quicker, you wouldn't have needed to save me." It was true, after all. If he had better reflexes, then he would've at least avoided being tackled to the ground by the creature they were hunting. Then Dean wouldn't have had to come to his rescue. Which meant that Dean wouldn't have gotten hurt. Dean sighed.
"Cas, buddy..." Dean said. "I mean, sure, you're not yet an expert at this stuff, but that's because you're just starting out. You're only a rookie for now, which means that you won't be a pro at hunting, but you'll get there. And getting hurt is part of the job, which you and I signed up for. It's nobody's fault." Cas nodded, the guilt in his stomach feeling a little lighter. After a minute of comfortable silence, Castiel decided to ask a question that he'd been wanting to ask for so long, but didn't ask because of how afraid he was of the answer.
"Dean..." Castiel said, turning to face him, a serious look on his face. Dean raised his eyebrows.
"Yeah?"
"Why do you keep me around?" The words had just tumbled out of his mouth without thought, and the words kept on tumbling out like a waterfall, out of Castiel's control. "I've nearly lost all my powers. I'm almost human, now, although I still cannot age. I'm a burden to you- extra baggage. I have no use. Yet you still give me a roof over my head and food to eat." Stunned silence filled the room. Dean was the first to speak.
"I-I'm sorry, but did you seriously just ask why we keep you around?" Dean asked, a baffled expression on his face. Cas nodded uncertainly, and Dean sighed.
"Dammit Cas," He said. "You're our friend. You aren't a toolused only for information and shit like that. We don't leave our friends in the cold rain while we have a comfy house to live in. Actually, no." Dean said, staring at Castiel with those impossibly green eyes of his. They seemed to pierce through his soul and analyze his face. He put his hand on his shoulder.
"You're more than a friend." Castiel's heart skipped a beat. He's read plenty of romance novels to know where this was going. Did Dean really return his feelings? The thought, if he'd been thinking straight, would've sounded preposterous to him, but he was high on the feeling of hope. Although he knew that Dean would age and eventually die and he would forever stay immortal, it was a pain that Castiel was ready to take on. Because whenever he was with Dean, he usually felt this happy, giddy feeling that he never experienced before. And he liked it. It was a feeling that Castiel would cherish and would want to keep, even if it was for the smallest fraction of his life.
"You're family." Dean finally said, immediately making Cas's heart stop its excited beating and return to a slow, steady rate. "And family doesn't get left behind." Cas didn't know why he felt the slight ache in his chest. He should've known better. He should've known that Dean would never love him the way he loved Lisa. Dean would only love him as a brother.
The corners of Castiel's mouth twitched upward. It was the closest to a smile he could get to. "Thank you, Dean." He said, even though he was hurting inside. After a minute of brief conversation, Cas excused himself and headed to his room. The first thing that he did was flop down onto the bed, facefirst, and curl into a small ball, wrapping the covers around him.
How he could've been so stupid, he didn't know. To believe that Dean Winchester, the straightest man in existence, might actually return his romantic feelings for him was foolish. Dean liked girls. Cas's vessel was a male, although Jimmy has left long ago when he was killed for the first time by an archangel. Which meant that this wasn't a vessel anymore- it was Cas. Castiel was a male in love with a man who loved females and thought of him as family only.
For a minute, Castiel believed that maybe everything would be okay. Because whenever he was with Dean, everything was okay, no matter how horrible the situation was. He believed that maybe, just maybe, that he would become truly happy with the man he loved.
At first, Castiel thought that the worst punishment was torture, or even abandonment. At first, Castiel also thought that Dean Winchester was a blessing. But he was wrong about both. Because Dean Winchester was his punishment. A reminder that he could never have the man that he wanted, and that the man he loved would never, ever love him back. It was painful. But it was also worth it. Because even if Dean wouldn't ever return his love, having his friendship was the next best thing. He was always happy to bleed for the Winchesters.
He often imagined himself in a relationship with Dean. It would be nice. Sweet. Castiel and Dean would cuddle with each other on cold, winter mornings in bed and share short, and lazy kisses between sweet words like 'I love you'. But Castiel wasn't ignorant. He wasn't blind. And he certainly wasn't foolish. Because he knew that it was all exactly what it was- a dream. And he knew that he could never have that with Dean.
Not ever.
Hello, everyone :) Thank you for reading, by the way, it means a lot. Feedback is greatly appreciated! I'd also like to announce that this is not the end yet. I couldn't decide on the endings for this story, so I decided to make some short endings that I would've used. There will be four. Each one will have its own chapter, so there's four more chapters left :) Make sure to favorite/follow if you enjoyed and wish to read the alternate endings.