So, I've been thinking about Nick and Jess being together in the new season. "Friends don't let friends do friends"? Seriously, Fox?
Anyways, I thought they would definitely text each other at times... maybe some dirty stuff...
So here goes.
Monday, October 7, 2013
11:30AM
Nick
Hello there, pretty girl!
11:32AM
Jess
Hello yourself, big boy!
11:33AM
Nick
Mmm… I love it when you call me big boy… Whatcha doing?
11:34AM
Jess
Eating lunch. Enjoying silence after two hours of yelling. I mean, I love these kids… but I'm starting to re-think my teaching methods.
11:35AM
Nick
Well, it's really quiet here in the bar. I'm feeling bored. How are you?
11:36AM
Jess
Sleepy…
11:37AM
Nick
Hmm… Rough night?
11:37AM
Jess
Ask big boy.
11:38AM
Nick
Big boy says he's sorry.
11:39AM
Jess
He should be.
11:40AM
Nick
Well, he had his way last night, for sure.
11:41AM
Jess
He should be ashamed of himself. Kept me up all night. Very rude.
11:42AM
Nick
He's a rude shameless bastard.
11:43AM
Jess
He is. But I'm thinking… you both deserve punishment.
11:44AM
Nick
I plead not guilty. I blame you and your pink robe on case of seduction.
11:45AM
Jess
My pink robe and I are outraged by your shocking accusations. We will be taking this case to the court. Fair trial will be conducted in the closed chambers of my bedroom tonight. Punishment will be imposed and enforced.
11:47AM
Nick
I know my rights, woman. I will appeal to the Supreme Court - branch office in my bedroom.
11:48AM
Jess
Ha-ha! I just spilled my milk all over my phone. Seriously though, no way would Supreme Court branch office be in your bedroom. A branch office of Garbage and Waste Department – maybe.
11:50AM
Nick
Ouch!
11:51AM
Jess
Sorry, Nick, but it's true. I'm an honest person, Nick.
11:51AM
Nick
I'm really hurt right now – deeply wounded, woman. Some epic stuff happened in this bedroom!
11:52AM
Jess
Okay, I give you that, Miller. But even Kate Middleton delivering her first born in your bedroom wouldn't turn it into the Supreme Court branch office.
11:52AM
Nick
So, whose room would it be then?
11:53AM
Jess
Are you asking, which room in the loft would go for a branch office of Supreme Court?
11:54AM
Schmidt
Obviously, my room. Why are you asking, Jess?
11:52AM
Jess
Schmidt?
11:53AM
Schmidt
Yes.
11:54AM
Jess
Why are you answering me?
11:54AM
Nick
Jess?
11:56AM
Schmidt
Because you texted me…
11:57AM
Nick
Jess, are you there?
11:58AM
Jess
Schmidt, it was a mistake. It was meant for Nick.
12:00AM
Schmidt
Why are you talking with Nick about Supreme Court? Is he obsessing again about that Google conspiracy thing?
12:01AM
Nick
Jess, have you dropped your phone into your plate with cereal again?
12:01AM
Jess
Never mind, Schmidt! Just forget it, okay?
12:01
Nick
Jess, are you there or do I have to call 911?
12:02
Jess
I'm here, Nick. Was talking to Schmidt.
12:03
Nick
Talking to who?
12:04
Jess
No biggie, just sent my text to Schmidt, instead of you, by mistake.
12:04
Nick
WHAT?
12:05
Jess
Calm down Miller, It's actually funny. He thinks, his bedroom is the best room for Supreme Court brunch office. Haha. Imagine that.
12:06
Nick
Not funny, Jess. NOT FUNNY!
12:07AM
Jess
I mean, just think about those soft silky bed sheets. Cece once told me, they are heavenly.
12:08AM
Nick
NO!
12:08AM
Jess
Do you still want to appeal, Nicholas? Just say the word, and Schmidt's bedroom is at your service.
12:09AM
Schmidt
Jess? Why are you offering my bedroom to Nick Miller? What's going on there?
12:10AM
Jess
Schmidt? Sorry, texted you by mistake again. Ignore it!
12:11AM
...
12:12AM
Schmidt
Nicholas Miller, not a single filthy body part of yours will touch my finest merino wool and a onethousand count Egyptian cotton sheets! Do you understand?
12:12AM
Nick
Schmidt?
12:13AM
Schmidt
I'm not sharing the temple of divine sexual pleasure, otherwise known as my bedroom, with the low peasant commoner like you! No plebeian will interfere with pure feng shui energy and exquisite erotic aura of my bedroom! Only I can unleash my sexual fantasies inside these walls!
12:13AM
Jess
Nick, are you there? Texted Schmidt again, by mistake. I'm so clumsy!
12:14AM
Nick
Jess, are you trying to kill me right now?! Stop texting Schmidt for God's sake!
12:15AM
Jess
Sometimes my phone just does it… Sorry…
12:16AM
Nick
No sorry will make up for what I just experienced. The stuff that I read can't be unread. No sorry will erase the terrifying images I have in my head right now!
12:17AM
Jess
Even if I wear my invisible shirt tonight? Along with my invisible panties?…
12:18AM
…
12:19AM
Nick
Damn, Jess! I just dropped and broke the most expensive bottle of whiskey we have in the bar. Shane is looking at me funny. You are going to get me fired, Jess!
12:20AM
Jess
What did I do?
12:21AM
Nick
Invisible shirt AND invisible panties, Jess? You know how I feel about invisible panties!
12:22AM
Jess
I know, Nicholas. But you were a bad boy. You were a dirty boy. I'm sore everywhere, I can't sit and I can hardly stand. Did you think you would get away with that?
12:24AM
Nick
I didn't hear you complain yesterday, Jess. But you did keep chanting my name and at some point you literally begged me and I quote: "Please, Nick, please don't stop, I'm begging you, don't ever stop…"
12:25AM
Jess
Ugh… I hate you…
12:25AM
Nick
I "hate" you too, Jess. Come home and I will show you just how much I "hate" you. And I mean it. You will have to take a day off after tonight.
12:26AM
Jess
Is that a threat?
12:26AM
Nick
No. It's a promise.
12:27
….
12:28
….
12:29
Jess
I have to go to the classroom right now, but we are not done here, Miller!
12:30AM
Nick
Definitely not done. Me and the big boy will have to take a lengthy bathroom break right now, if you know what I mean…
12:31AM
Jess
Eww, Nick, too much information. I have to teach kids, you know, and now I have a mental image of you, self-completing in the bathroom. Gross.
12:32AM
Nick
Karma is a **. Don't forget to wear your invisible shirt AND panties tonight.
12:33AM
Jess
Hope I can find them. Haha! Get it? Because they are INVISIBLE!
12:33AM
Nick
You funny girl. See you tonight. Miss you.
12:34AM
Jess
Miss you too, big boy.
END