Shattered Faith

A mainly did this because I wanted to. It's basically just a series of oneshots about our favorite nonbelievers, Mothwing and The first chapter's about Cloudtail because he's one of my favorite characters, and I feel kind of like I'm neglecting him. Anyway, yeah, just a basic drabble about how they don't believe in StarClan.

Cloudtail stared up at the night sky. It was the night of his warrior vigil. The night that should have been the happiest night of his entire life. But it wasn't.

The silence of the vigil was meant for the new warrior to review their life so far, and what being a warrior means to them. It was almost like a time of rebirth in the eyes of StarClan, a chance to start over. But for Cloudtail, it was anything but that. He knew that for him, there would be no going back, no second chances. For him, there wasn't even a spiritual rebirth.

Sighing silently, he turned and looked mournfully over at the apprentice's den, where his friends, or rather, ex-friends, were asleep, probably hating him with all their might. He knew it wasn't his fault, nor was there anything he could do about it. He couldn't help it if Bluestar had decided that he should be made a warrior first. He himself had had no say in the matter. But still, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He knew that his friends should be sitting here next to him, all of them with their warrior names to celebrate.

He turned back to StarClan. Or at least what the rest of the cats in the forest believed to be StarClan. To him they were just stars. Tiny pinpricks of light in a vast, endless void of nothingness. Belief in his warrior ancestors had never meant much to him. As far as he was concerned, they did nothing for him or any other cat, and they could take care of themselves. There was no need for StarClan.

But just now, at this moment, Cloudtail almost wished he did believe in his warrior ancestors. He could see, now, why they did. While it had never occured to him before, he just now realized how empty the world was, how empty his own life was. Yes, he had been happy with how his life had played out before now, and had not bothered to question why his own belief in StarClan was nonexistant, when it was practically woven into the very fiber of his Clanmates' beings.

A sharp, almost physical pain struck him deep in his heart as he realized how cynical he was. None of his Clanmates ever quesioned the existence of StarClan, Bluestar herself was waging a war against them, and yet, here he was, the first soldier in her new army. As far as he knew, he was the first cat in all the Clans to ever reject the belief of StarClan, and maybe, if Bluestar's war continued, the first of many.

He remembered when Brightpaw, sweet, beautiful Brightpaw, had one day asked him why he didn't believe in StarClan. He remembered what he had said too:

"Why should I? StarClan are just something the elders made up to keep the rest of us in line. What other purpose would they possibly serve? We can carry on just fine without them. It's not like we need them to hunt for us. Or fight for us either. They're just a kit's tale, and I'm quite capable of living my life just fine without them."

And of course, he remembered exactly what Brightpaw had said in response to that:

"Cloudpaw, StarClan may not be real to you, but they are to the rest of us. You see, Cloudpaw, our belief gives them life. Even if they weren't real, the belief we give to them makes them real. It's hard to explain, and maybe it just takes faith, but, Cloudpaw, think about it: Would any of us really be here if StarClan didn't exist? Without StarClan, there wouldn't be a warrior code, and then we all really would be on our own. Don't you think, even if they don't exist, it's better that we believe they do?"

At the time, Cloudtail hadn't really absorbed what she'd said, but instead had just been rather stung that she'd disagreed with him and not spoken to her until it was forgotten, but now that it came back to him, the full impact of her words hit him. And it hurt. A lot.

He had never before thought about what StarClan meant to the Clans, but now that he did, he couldn't deny that it made sense. The Clans simply couldn't function without their belief in StarClan. Would he even be alive if it weren't for the Clans' belief in StarClan and the warrior code?

He had never believed in StarClan. Maybe, once, when he was a tiny kit in the nursery, suckling on Brindleface beside Ashkit and Fernkit. But that had been a long time ago, and he knew he'd never believe in them again. In fact, he could remember the exact moment when he first stopped believing in them: when Fireheart had told him that he hadn't in fact, been born in ThunderClan.

Cloudtail remembered that moment clear as day, mainly because it had redirected his entire life from that point on. The transition from believing in StarClan to not believing in them hadn't been that hard for him to make, probably because he wasn't Clanborn. Or so he had thought at the time.

But even Fireheart, who, like him, wasn't Clanborn, found belief in StarClan. Maybe there's something wrong with me, he worried, tail twitching nervously. Though nobody really said anything about it, he could tell that the fact that he didn't share their beliefs alienated him from the rest of ThunderClan, and that both scared and fustrated him.

I can't change who I am! he thought angrily, glaring up at the stars. If they're real and so powerful, why can't they show themselves? he wondered defiantly, his light blue eyes narrow slits.

"Cloudtail?"

The voice surprised him, and he whipped around immediately. He was startled to see Brightpaw standing behind him, looking hesitant and slightly confused. He smiled reassuredly and gestured rather lamely with his tail for her to sit beside him, as he couldn't speak.

"I just wanted to say," mewed Brightpaw nervously, "not all of us are mad at you. It's just, you have to understand, we were supposed to be made warriors too." Cloudtail nodded to show that he had heard and understood.

The ginger-and-white she-cat stood and turning to go, meowed, "Well, I guess that's all I really came to say. I just wanted to let you know, I'll always be your friend."

"Wait!" cried out Cloudtail. Despite the age-old restrictions, he felt he couldn't help but burst out.

Brightpaw turned back to him, eyes wide with disbelief. "Cloudtail!" she hissed in a near-whisper, her tail bushing up. "You're not supposed to speak while during the vigil! It's against the rules!"

"Oh loosen up!" exclaimed Cloudtail, a little easier now. "The rules were meant to be broken. Now come on and stay with me. It'll be a little like you having your ceremony as well."

"Really?" asked Brightpaw, seeming to forget that they weren't supposed to be speaking at the moment. "What do you think my warrior name will be?"

"How about 'Brightspot'," asked Cloudtail, grinning, "for the way you can brighten up anybody?"

"You know what, I think I'd like that very much," meowed Brightpaw, leaning in closer to Cloudtail. In return he turned and licked her ear, then the two of them looked up at the sky again.

You know what, thought Cloudtail to himself, even if StarClan does exist, they can't possibly do anything to change what I have right here and now.